Disclaimer: Own not do I, Invader Zim,
For Jhonen Vasquez created him.
Author's note: Okay. I've decided that they (Dib and Zim) were in sixth grade when the series started, and they are now in eighth. Just saying.
WARNING! This chapter mentions several of the world's problems, including some touchy material. If you don't like to see that kind of stuff, then skip this chapter. But know that the problems listed here are only listed once.
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It was Thursday. Zim had spent the last two days researching Earth. And not the usual way (asking Computer to make "educated guesses" about things and asking the teacher stupid and suspicious questions). He was using horrible torture devices known as "text-books". He was also checking out books from the Skool library. This had all been Gaz's idea, after he had told her how he usually researched things. She had slapped him upside the head, handed him a book., and ordered him to start reading.
Zim had been reading during most of his free time in the last 48 hours. And he was disgusted.
"Look at all this!" he exclaimed as he sat at one of the tables outside. Gaz was sitting on the table itself, playing her Game Slave and occasionally watching for Dib. "Crime, disease, mass starvation, homicide, genocide, suicide, global warming, pollution, war, terrorism! This planet has so many problems!"
"Mmhmm," agreed Gaz.
"And almost all of them are caused by humans! How can any one race be this, this... stupid!"
"This coming from an guy whose race's leadership is determined by how tall you are," said Gaz. Zim grunted. "You have a point though," Gaz said. "Humans tend to cause a lot of their own problems."
"How can you say that so casually?" asked Zim. "If my race was that screwed up, I don't know what I'd do!"
"Tallest," said Gaz, continuing to play her game.
"I have yet to find anything positive about this planet or humans in any of these books," said Zim, turning to the next page. He read for a bit longer, finally putting the book down. He rubbed his eyes, which were beginning to hurt after all of the nonstop reading. He looked at Gaz. "How can you play that thing so much?"
"It's fun," said Gaz.
"No," said Zim, "I mean your eyes. How can you stand looking at something that long? Don't your eyes hurt?"
"I built up an immunity," said Gaz.
"... That's unhealthy," said Zim. He rubbed his eyes again and picked up another book. This book had a slightly less negative tone. It was about important figures in history.
"Zim," said Gaz suddenly.
"Huh?"
"Hide." Zim looked up. He saw Gaz looking behind him, and followed her gaze to see Dib. He was about five yards away, and looking around. Zim ran to a nearby tree and climbed up quickly. He looked through the leaves to see Dib making his way over to the table. Zim looked back down to see that he still had his book with him. It was open to 'Napoleon'. Zim began reading.
By the time he looked up, Dib was long gone. Zim climbed back down the tree and went back to the table. "You stayed up in that tree long enough," said Gaz, not even looking up.
"Yeah, well," said Zim. "I found a very interesting human in this book."
"Who?"
"Some guy named Napoleon," said Zim. "He seemed to be an excellent conqueror, much like myself."
"Have you conquered anything?"
"Well no but-"
"Napoleon just about conquered all of Europe," said Gaz. "You haven't conquered anything so far. Napoleon was a lot better than you."
"But didn't he lose?"
"Yeah," said Gaz, "But at least he got that far. If there's one thing you can take as a lesson from him, it's that you shouldn't get over-confident. You do that a lot Zim. Everything is run by politics now anyway, so his style of takeover wouldn't work that well in today's world."
"Hmm," said Zim, "Politics, eh. I think I may be able to use that." But before he could come up with something, the Skool bell rang, and everyone headed back inside.
888
"Doom, doom, doom, doom." Ms. Bitters was giving her usual Doom rant. Due to some sort of strange error, Zim and Dib's 6th grade class had been put in the same room each year and Ms. Bitters had been moved from teaching sixth grade to seventh to eighth. After three years in her class, the kids were starting to get as sick of her as she had been of them the first day she saw them. After a few minutes Zim raised his hand.
"Uh, Ms. Bitters?" asked Zim, "Are we actually going to be learning anything today?"
"Silence!" yelled Ms. Bitters. She Doomed for a few more moments and then started the lesson. They were studying U.S. history. Currently, they were working on a unit about the Constitution. As Ms. Bitters lectured, Dib couldn't help but notice Zim. He seemed to be taking very diligent notes.
'What is he up to?' thought Dib, 'He's never taken notes before.'
"And judging by a lot of your test scores Dib," said Ms. Bitters, "Neither have you."
"Wait, I said that out loud?" The class started laughing at him. Zim breathed a sigh of relief.
'At least now I know he might be on to me,' thought Zim, making sure he wasn't saying anything. 'Still, there's no chance of him stopping me. Not this time.' Ms. Bitters carried on with the lecture. But eventually said that the United States would implode, and that everyone was doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed, doomed... You get the point. About five minutes before Skool ended, it started raining. 'Uh-oh,' thought Zim
'Yes!' thought Dib. 'Another chance to expose Zim!' This time he wasn't speaking out loud. However, Zim saw the particularly evil look on Dib's face and started to worry. The bell rang and Zim ran out of the room. It wasn't easy considering the large amount of books in his backpack (which he wore over his pak).
'I need to get out of here!' thought Zim as he ran through the hall. 'But how?' He looked around hoping a solution would pop out of thin air.
"Hey!" said a voice, "Over here. Quick." Zim saw Gaz standing at the door. She had an umbrella with her.
"Do you always have an umbrella with you?" asked Zim as he walked over to her.
"No," said Gaz, "I pay attention to the weather." They went outside and Gaz let Zim under her umbrella. Kids were now streaming out of the Skool, and began doing their horrible... rain, dance, song thing. Zim and Gaz had just left the Skool grounds when suddenly Dib jumped in front of them.
"Gaz!" he exclaimed, shocked, "What are you doing?"
"Walking."
"No I mean why is Zim with you?"
"I don't know," said Gaz. Suddenly she pointed behind Dib. "Hey look! A sasquatch!"
"Huh?" said Dib, spinning around. "Where?"
"He went down that street!" said Gaz, pointing. Dib forgot about Zim and went to persue the 'sasquatch'.
"Finally" said Dib as he ran off, "Proof! Proof that what I've been saying is true!" Zim and Gaz watched him go.
"Uh," Zim began, "Thanks."
"Whatever," said Gaz as she started walking. Zim made sure to keep up with her. They walked towards her house, it being the closest. Of course when they got there, Zim realized that with her gone he wouldn't be able to protect himself from the damp doom falling from the sky. He was about to panic when Gaz handed him the umbrella. "You can borrow this," she said. "But give it back tomorrow or I will unleash horrors upon you that you couldn't even begin to conceive."
"Yes ma'am!" said Zim, saluting. Of course he was absolutely terrified of what Gaz had said, but he tried hard not to show it
"Whatever," said Gaz as she shut the door. Zim made his way home quickly. He went inside to find GIR watching the Scary Monkey Show.
'That horrible monkey,' thought Zim as he collapsed the umbrella. He saw Mini-Moose and Skoodge in the kitchen.
"Hey Zim," said Skoodge.
"Squeak?" asked Mini-Moose.
"Oh, my day was fine," said Zim. "I'm starting to get a very clear picture of how this planet is run."
"Cool," said Skoodge. He walked into the living-room with a plate of nachos. They all sat down (except for Mini-Moose who just floated there)and started eating. Of course Gir went crazy as usual and started making a huge mess. Zim looked at him with annoyance.
'Oh yeah,' he thought. 'Phase three is definitely this Saturday.'
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Yay! I finally got it done! Sorry if it seems kinda rushy in places. And I didn't realize until it was too late, that I forgot to mention Skoodge in Ch.1. For anyone who doesn't know, Skoodge has been living in Zim's basement since he conquered Blorch (Home of the Slaughtering Rat People), because he said he was bored. And I hope I didn't over-use the word "horrible". I was just trying to keep with the style of the show, which happens to use that word a lot
If anyone would like to see any other ridiculous snack-food besides nachos, let me know.
