Thank you again for the reviews! I am so glad that you seemed to like the last chapter. I have to be honest and say that I really struggled with this one. I had such a clear idea in my mind of where I wanted it to go, but I have been struggling to make sure that I keep the characters behaving 'in character' as it were, which is why it has taken so long. I hope I managed it even though I am beginning to deviate from the events of the film. It will end up the same way I think as that is what I intended when I started. I have nearly finished the next chapter now too so I shouldn't take very long to post it this time. Please do review and tell me your thoughts, good and bad.
I originally posted this yesterday from my ipad but having now been reunited with my laptop, I have now spotted a few errors, which I just couldn't live with! I think I've fixed them all now but please do tell me if there are any which make it difficult to read.
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Finally the meal was over and the children's bedtime drawing ever nearer. Maria shifted uncomfortably, hoping she could make some excuse to leave as soon as possible. Perhaps she could say she was feeling unwell? It certainly wouldn't be a lie, she was feeling awful but for a completely different reason. The Captain had touched her, nearly held her hand and all the while he was engaged to another woman. At that simple touch Maria's world had come crumbling down as she had realised that she could never be a nun. Not now. He had ruined that dream for her unwittingly. How could she pledge her life to God now that she knew that she was in love with this man and she had sinned? She had wanted him. She has coveted another woman's fiancé and she had allowed him to touch her hand. She had even tried to convince herself that touching hands was not a sin; she had held the children's hands numerous times, yet it had not made her feel any better. He surely meant that touch only as a reassurance- he could sense her discomfort and had tried to help her. But she had let him knowing full well that it meant so much more than that to her. She knew it was her feelings and intent which made it a sin and not the action itself. What kind of nun would she make? No. She felt so lost and more alone than ever. If only she could retreat to her bedroom and grieve for the death of the dream she had held for so long. No wonder the Reverend Mother had repeatedly delayed the taking of her vows! She knew what wickedness was there inside her. She was right. She was always right.
She glanced at the clock and exhaled in relief. She rose from her seat, clapping her hands together and declared in relief that her close proximity to the Captain was broken, "I think it's time I put the children to bed- come children. I believe it has been an eventful day for you all." She hadn't really expected them to agree and follow her quietly but she had been hopeful nonetheless.
"Oh please can we stay up just a little later, Father?" implored Friedrich. "Fraulein Maria's return has left us all quite excited and we couldn't possibly sleep. Right?" he turned towards the others for confirmation and beaming up at Maria with such a look of glee that should couldn't help but sigh and smile back.
"Right!" came six other voices in agreement, all turning to smile in unison at their father and Maria, who grinned back at them all, finally resting his gaze on her in such a loving and becoming way that Maria's heart melted just a little despite her horror this turn of events and she sat back down in defeat, purposely refusing to look to the other end of the table where Herr Detweiler and the Baroness were. Surely they could sense her guilt, how desperate she was to leave? She could tell they were both staring at her, making her cheeks flame still further. This was her punishment, to have everyone know of her shame.
To her left, Brigitta was staring between her and the Captain with such a look of understanding that she could feel her face colouring again. Despite her discomfort at the likelihood of having to remain in the presence of the Captain and Baroness for longer, she could not help but be pleased that she now knew without a doubt that he would humour his children's simple request and not insist on following the rules without compassion for their plea as he would have done a month ago.
Sure enough his reply came, "I suppose an extra half an hour wouldn't hurt. Though I am surprised that you are not all very tired given the amount of berry picking you have done today..." He looked at each of his children in turn, a slight smile playing at the corners of his mouth while they smiled sheepishly back.
"Oh yes, Georg," said Max, excitedly, "the children can practice for the concert!" He rose quickly and left the room, with the Baroness on his arm, leading the way into the sitting room before the Captain could reply.
...
Georg knew she was desperate to get away from him but could not bear to let her go just yet and he just couldn't say no to his children. If he let her and the children leave now, he would be left alone with Elsa and Max. He couldn't speak to Elsa properly with Max there and feared he would end up agreeing to things which would make this situation so much worse to clean up in the long run. When his eldest son had asked to stay up just a little longer, he could have kissed him. Half an hour was what he needed. He could talk to Max and mention the need to speak to the Baroness alone and he could do what he needed to. He had even let Max get that last snipe about the concert in as it played to his plans.
As his children scraped the chairs back and ran out of the room excitedly, with Gretl already singing about her favourite things, he became acutely aware that he and Maria would be left alone in a matter of seconds and he had no idea how to react around her now that something had shifted between them. He pushed his chair back, making sure their arms touched as they did so and cursed himself silently as he felt Maria snatch her arm away from him as if he had just burnt her. Her eyes snapped up to meet his own and he stared into those pools of blue once more unable to tear his gaze away. There it was again- fear. She was afraid of him. Truth be told he was afraid of himself. What was he doing stealing touches from a woman who for all he knew still wanted to be a nun as soon as his fiancé was not looking? What had he become? Disgusted with himself and not wanting to embarrass her any further, he muttered, "excuse me" and walked out of the room without another glance in her direction.
...
Maria followed him without a word. Why had she reacted like that to a simple, accidental touch? She knew why. To be honest she hadn't even noticed that they were the only ones left in the room and had been caught completely off guard as it snapped her out of her reverie. For the briefest moment as she had looked into his eyes, she had really wanted him to take her hand again but knew deep down that he wouldn't. She didn't know how to react other than to follow him into the next room and carry on pretending that nothing had happened.
Luckily the Baroness was sat next to the Captain and Maria sat next to Uncle Max on the opposite side of the room. Gretl jumped up onto her lap and snuggled into her arms whilst the other children sat on the floor at the Captain's feet where Max was leading them in song. Away from the Captain, she could breathe again and think clearly. Perhaps things weren't so bad after all. She could always become a teacher. That might make her happy. But where would she go? She knew the abbey would take her back until she got on her feet- that's what she would do. The sadness and grief for the life she had so craved was stifling but she held onto the glimmer of hope that things would work out. After all, the Reverend Mother always said ,"when God closes a door, he opens a window."
She could not help but glance across at where the Captain and the Baroness sat together. The Baroness was smiling happily, her arm rested gracefully across the Captains legs as her body leaned slightly towards him. Maria's heart ached at the sight and she felt her eyes prickle as the Baroness stroked the Captain's arm with her other hand. Jealousy rose up inside her and she turned away sadly, hugging Gretl tighter.
...
The Captain was trying to subtly edge away from the Baroness. This had clearly been a mistake. The Baroness seemed to be intent of being as publically friendly with him as possible and had been tracking her finger across his upper arm for the best part of 5 minutes and he had no idea how to stop her without offending her and causing an argument in front of the children. He had tried gentle moving his arm away but she had simply shifted her body closer so the whole of the side of her body rested against his arm, leaving him wishing it was Maria and not her pressed against him and hoping against hope that Maria had not noticed this exchange. He knew as soon as he chanced a fleeting glance in her direction that his wish had been in vain. He tried to signal Max from across the room, eager to convey that he needed a moment with Elsa but to no avail.
At last, the children's song ended and he took the opportunity to move his arms and clap enthusiastically. He stood up abruptly and walked over to a cabinet to pour himself another class of scotch, thanking God for the opportunity to move away from Elsa. If he allowed her to carry on in this manner towards him, this would be so much worse.
"Time for bed children," he said as cheerfully as he could, pleased when they rose from the floor wishing the adults goodnight.
...
Maria began to move, getting ready to carry Gretl (who appeared to have fallen asleep in her arms) up to bed. The young girl really was much heavier than she looked and she was struggling to balance her weight correctly to be able to stand.
"Oh, don't go Maria, the others can put themselves to bed and there's no point in waking Gretl now is there?" protested Max. "It is You and I simply must use this time to persuade Georg to let his children sing in the festival!"
She looked towards the Captain waiting for his approval or dismissal but received none-instead he faced away from her moving to sit in an empty chair. As she was struggling to move anyway, she settled back down with Gretl reverting to the cradling position she was in earlier.
"You really have worked wonders with Georg's children, Maria" complimented Max. "but you simply must tell me; why on earth would a pretty girl like you want to be a nun?"
Maria was taken aback by the question and nearly revealed her change of heart then and there but recovered just in time. "Well, I suppose it is because of my faith and how much I love God. I have always wanted to pledge my life to his service and becoming a nun is the best way that I can do that. The abbey has always been a special place for me..." she replied avoiding looking at anyone else in the room.
"I really am a liar," she thought to herself. How could she continue with this line of questioning now that she knew she would never be a nun? She was going to have to come clean if Max continued.
As she rocked Gretl in her arms, she rested her head against the little girl's and inhaled the scent of her soft hair. Oh, how she would miss this! It suddenly occurred to her that this was the closest she had ever felt to being a mother and it came as a total shock to her how much she loved it. She stroked away a lock of hair which had fallen into Gretl's eyes and tucked it gently behind her ear, watching the slow rise and fall of her chest as she breathed and sighed. Feeling eyes on her she looked up and caught the Captain's eye, who quickly looked away and started wiggling his fingers in that endearing way she had noticed he sometimes did when he was nervous. For the first time in her life, Maria realised that she wanted to be a mother more than anything. She was unsure what prompted it- possibly a combination of hugging Gretl and the look the Captain had just given her- but what she wanted more than anything was to be a mother- the mother to his children, nearly as much as she wanted to be his wife. Even if he didn't love her, she would settle for the love of his children. The impossibility of this thought was almost too much to bare and she felt as if her heart was breaking in two.
"I just admire you so, Maria," declared the Baroness diverting her attention. "I think it is so admirable that you would give up marriage and children to serve your God. But then again I doubt that you have ever wanted those things have you, my dear?"
Maria looked at her and found the Baroness's eyes baring into her own with what seemed like enough intensity to see straight into her soul. She knew. She had to know! The chances of her saying that were so slim at exactly that moment that she must have seen it on her face and was trying to trick her in some way. No, she was being too sensitive. She wanted to believe that the Baroness would not purposefully try to trick or deceive her but it still felt like a kick in the teeth.
"Actually Baroness, I am sorry to admit that I am not as 'admirable' as you have so kindly said. I have been pondering my path in life constantly and have decided that life in the Abbey is not for me. As for children, I am so grateful for the time that I have spent surrounded by them and as I hope to become a teacher I do so hope that I will remain surrounded by them." She finished her speech by looking directly at the Baroness and feeling that for the first time she was speaking to her as a equal rather than the child she felt the night of the party.
The Captain reacted first. He coughed and spluttered on the sip of drink he had just taken and sat down in the chair he had earlier vacated staring at her open mouthed.
Upon hearing her words the Baronness' face had darkened and her eyes widened in surprise but she made no response.
Max, however, was delighted. "Maria, my dear, this is the best news! Oh believe me, you will be married off in no time!" he gestured wildly, looking around at them all. "What a loss for the abbey, but a gain for society! Maria, you will be an excellent teacher and an even better mother, I am absolutely sure of it! Think of the money you could make giving singing lessons. "
Maria nearly died of embarrassment, aware of all three pairs of eyes on her, the expressions on them each completely different. It would have been comical had it not been so utterly humiliating to have to admit her failure in this public way.
"In fact I have just the man who I can set you up with," continued Max in his element. "I can introduce you at the festival..."
"Max, I will not have you interfering in the affairs of my governess in this manner!" warned the Captain in a threatening tone, banging his glass down on the side table without warning, his eyes shooting daggers at his friend.
His friend looked at him in surprise, "I hardly think it's fair to call her 'your' governess, Georg. I would argue that she belongs to the children much more than she belongs to you and besides I was only offering. Maria, can help me at the festival and you can be there to make sure she is kept safely away from any interested men," he retorted, pleased that Georg had not said that the festival wasn't a possibility. This was all working out rather well for him. It didn't hurt either that he knew the Fraulein had the Captain's attention and he could use her influence to his advantage finally as he had hoped to on the night of the party.
The Captain stood up and, without a word, strode across the room, stopping as he reached the doorway. "Come Elsa," he said facing away from the group. Then, he turned slowly, "Frauline, may I speak to you in my office in about an hour? I trust you will put Gretl to bed?" With that he and the Baroness left Max and Maria alone to wonder what had just happened.
...
Georg was miserable. Seeing Maria sat there cuddling his youngest child sent an arrow straight to his heart. She looked so natural, so right and so, so beautiful. Even if she rejected him she should not spend her life locked up on a convent. She deserved to have a family and someone who loved and adored her as he did.
When she has said she would not be returning to the convent he had choked on his drink. His mind went into overdrive- what did this mean? His heart was singing on the one hand and wanted to shrivel up and die on the other. Hope like he had never felt before was coursing through his veins and yet he also felt as though he had robbed God. He could not understand how she could have changed her mind unless it was because of his actions towards her. He wanted so badly to take her into his arms right then and declare his everlasting love to her but knew he could not. If it wasn't for the presence of poor Elsa and Max he might have swept her into his arms and made passionate love to her right then and there. The urge to wrap his arms around her, allowing his hands to travel down her back and unfasten the buttons of that beautiful dress to reveal the silky smooth skin of her back... "God forgive me," he prayed, appalled by the route his thought's had taken.
He was snapped violently out of his imaginings by Max's offer to set Maria up at the festival. He knew that Max was only joking and purposely bating him but he couldn't help snapping. The very thought of Maria- his Maria- with another man was utterly detestable to him despite what he had thought not two minutes ago about her deserving someone even if it couldn't be him. No- it had to be him and he needed to put this right now!
He hadn't meant to call her his governess and realised his mistake the second he had said it but he did not appreciate Max picking him up on it. He was losing control and he needed to get out of there before he looked at her again and did something he'd regret. He walked swiftly to the door and then remembered Elsa. He had to talk to her. She came to him and he'd asked Maria to join him in his office in an hour. He grabbed Elsa's hand and walked away.
