Chapter three.
I don't own anything.
To say this was awkward would be an understatement.
We were in my bedroom. I was sitting in me chair in front of the desk, my arms holding my knees close to my chest, and he was sitting on my bed, his eyes on me. He was smiling, like always. I wanted to say something, but since, apparently, I'm no good at speaking words, I just kept my mouth shut. But after twenty minutes of this, I really think one of us should say something!
I cleared my throat. But before I got a word out, I heard Gretchen start screaming in the living room. I hopped to my feet, glad to finally move. I avoided Jared's eyes as I hurried out of the room and to Gretchen. She was sitting in front of the TV, pointing and crying.
"What is it?" I asked, trying to make my voice sound soft, like mum did. It was futile. I was no good with children. It was sad, but true. I guess I'm not very good in anything…
"He died!" she cried. I looked at the TV-screen and saw a grey cat chasing a brown mouse. Tom and Jerry?
"No, see, they're still alive," I said. She stopped crying for a second to see it I was telling the truth. When she realized I did, she wiped her tears away and kept watching. She didn't say a word to me. I sighed and straightened myself. Hesitantly I walked back to my room. The reason I was hesitating, was of course because of the awkward silence and staring. I was beginning to wonder if Jared actually had any brain cells at all.
Right before I stepped through the doorframe, I heard a loud crack from inside my room. I dragged the door open (I couldn't remember to have closed it…) and found my room empty.
"Jared?" I said in an uncertain voice. There was no doubt, of course, my tiny room was empty. How odd. Had he gone somewhere else? Then he must have been awfully quiet – I hadn't heard a thing. I walked to the bathroom, and found the door open and the room just as empty as my bedroom. Then I checked the kitchen, and the same there.
"Gretchen?" I called, hurrying into the living room. "Gretchen, did you see someone?" She shook her head in a childish way, never taking her eyes from the TV-screen. I searched the rest of our house. In the end I just had to settle with that he'd left. I dragged myself to my bedroom and sat down on my bed.
Why would he leave? Was I really that boring to be with? Yes, and you already knew that, I mentally told myself. Yeah, I guess I knew that, but it still was pretty hard to take. I'd actually thought he liked me, in one way or another. I mean, he was the one who took the initiative; he was the one who wanted to come home with me…
I suddenly felt a big lump in my throat. I tried to swallow it, but that just made me feel strangled. I eventually let out a loud gasp, and then I'd done it. The tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks, and I cradled together on top of my covers, pressing me knees to my chest.
I was acting stupid, and thinking of that pushed me even further down. How can one person be so silly? Of course a guy like Jared wouldn't like me. It had been foolish to even think such a thing, I realized now. What must he think of me? I couldn't talk right, blushed when I only looked at him and sat silent in twenty minutes just letting him look at me. Maybe he thought I was shallow too?
It took me a while to calm myself enough to sit up. I wiped away the last tears. I let out a hysterical laugh. This was just so me. Crying over a boy I barely knew… scratch that. A boy who barely knew me. I'd been watching his every step for almost a year, so I knew him pretty well. Why was I wasting my time? Because I'm Kim, ringed through my mind. Well, that wasn't a good enough excuse anymore. What happened to girl power? I'm a strong, independent woman, I could handle this. I'd just have to avoid him. Or better, treat him like he didn't matter to me at all. I could do that. I would just have to not be so Kimish for a while.
By the next day, I wasn't so confident anymore. At lunch I was secretly watching him. I tore my eyes off of him, telling myself that this was just the sort of thing I wasn't going to do.
"What happened yesterday, Kimmy?" Gina asked as she propped her face full of food. I groaned. I hated that nickname.
"Nothing," I said honestly. "He left," I added.
"He what?" Alex asked in a shocked voice. I sighed and focused on keeping my eyes dry.
"He left," I repeated.
"Why?" Alex continued, her voice still colored with disbelief.
"Don't know. He didn't even tell me," I said, and shrugged, as if this didn't matter at all. Very good, Kim, I encouraged myself. This seemed to work. My two best friends in the world looked like they bought it. Although they hadn't really had the chance to try and sooth me yet…
"He did what?" Gina exclaimed.
"He left," I said sharply, not even faking the annoyance. They both just stared at me for a few seconds, then Alex kicked herself and her chair closer to embrace me. I avoided her arms.
"I'm fine," I said quickly. "He wasn't that special," I lied smoothly. They froze again. Gina was the one to break the silence this time, in a very Ginaish way.
"And you find that out now?" she hissed. "I've been forced to listen to your totally uninteresting jabber about that moron for a year, and when he finally notices you…"
"Gina!" Alex cut her off, sending Gina an angry look. Her face turned concerned when she looked at me again.
"You sure you're okay?" she asked. I rolled my eyes.
"Now you're sounding like my mum," I told her, forcing a smile. Gina chuckled and agreed with me, causing Alex to stick her tongue out at both of us. They changed the subject after that, and I was glad. I still had to fight my tears, but that only motivated me. I was going to get through this with my dignity unharmed.
I still couldn't stop myself for turning my head to the right, towards Jared's table. I almost jumped in shock when I saw him staring at me. Weird. He didn't smile like he'd done earlier. His eyes were intense and serious. I blushed, but didn't look away before I'd made my eyebrows furrow down in an angry grimace.
I reached the classroom before him. I dragged my books up, and started looking through my homework. I heard his footsteps come through the door, but didn't look up. Not when he sat down either. I pretended to be focusing very hardly on the exercises on my desk, but really, I was just writing the first words that crossed my mind. After about thirty seconds, he spoke.
"Kim?" he said. I ignored my fluttering stomach when he said my name.
"What?" I answered, without looking up from my book. He paused for a second.
"About yesterday…" he started, but stopped again.
"What about it?" I asked coldly. I thought this was going rather well. I even managed to speak clearly, no stuttering or blushing.
"I didn't mean to…" he started, and I realized I didn't want to hear what he wanted to say. If he was going to try and console me, I wasn't crazy about hearing it. I couldn't. I didn't trust myself enough yet. What good would come out of it? Either I'd break down in tears or I'd… No, I'd most likely just start crying.
"It's fine, Jared," I said in an rejecting voice. "Not interested. I get it, okay? Don't tire yourself out with finding excuses." That silenced him. Mr. Leighton stalked into the classroom. I'm loving your timing, mister, I thought sourly. Yesterday I'd thought the opposite. The teacher's arriving put a stop any smart comment Jared might have come up with.
It was even harder to concentrate now than ever in English. After a while I gave up, and stared up on the blackboard without really bothering focusing my vision enough to see what was written on it. I felt Jared's eyes on me again, but didn't turn. When the bell rang, I quickly gathered my things and ran out before he even had the time to close his book.
I fought my tears in the hallway while I was on my way to meet Alex. This was a success, I told myself, but I didn't believe in it. How could it be a success, when I felt the way I did? I'd done nothing but pushing myself to the limit. Just one wrong move now and I would fall over.
I met up with Alex outside the girls' bathroom. Her face was bright and excited. Oh no… I knew that look just a little too well. Was it too late to turn and go back?
"Kim!" Alex squealed as soon as she saw me. She pressed her way through the students. She grabbed my arms and shook me. Yep, it's a boy, I thought sourly.
"I just met the most gorgeous guy you can ever imagine!" she informed me, still smiling from ear to ear.
"Wow, that's a new one," I said sarcastically. I forced out a teasing smile. She didn't seem to notice the wry edge to my voice.
"His name is Cameron, and he's gorgeous!" Didn't she already say that? "He's new here, of course. And he was like, so shy and everything, but then I went and talked with him and he's adorable!"
"M-hm…" I muttered, and started leading her through the crowd to Spanish. I'd learned through Alex's dating history that if I just pretended to be listening, making some sort of sound every now and then, she'd be happy.
"He's like… gorgeous… and he speaks so… grown-up, you know?" she continued.
"Right," I said.
"So, I talked to him, and he like totally didn't know anything about the area, so tomorrow I'm going to show him! I mean, we're going to town together!" she squeaked. Great, I thought, and groaned mentally. It was like she'd forgotten all about my broken heart. How could she think about Cameron when I was in such pain? Oh, right. She thought I was doing fine. I sighed and half-listened to her description of Cameron the rest of the way. The only thing I really caught was that he was gorgeous.
The weird thing was that I actually took comfort in her falling in love. I guess it showed that love doesn't always rip you into pieces. Now I felt like a know-it-all. Like I knew anything about love? I was just obsessed with a guy who was too good for me, and we both knew it. There was no way anything would ever happen between us.
So that's that...
I'm not quite pleased with this chapter, but I'm not sure what's wrong...
If you guys see something, please tell me.
