Chapter 3

"How did you find us?" asked Lan. "I was careful to hide our tracks."

Mat chimed in. "Nynaeve is the best tracker in the Two Rivers. In fact, she was once assigned to find Osama bin Laden, and…"

"We don't talk about that!" Nynaeve cut in sharply.

"But yeah," said Rand. "She is the best tracker around."

Nynaeve nodded her head. "That, and I read Rand's tweets."

They all had dinner and went to bed. As Rand fell asleep, he found himself in a large, strange room. "Ha! I've found you!" came a hissing voice from a darkened corner of the room. From the corner emerged a frightening, commanding figure who approached him slowly and confidently. "Harry Potter, I have found you!"

"Who?" asked Rand.

"Huh?" was the startled reply. "You're not Harry Potter? I'm Lord Voldemort."

"Nope, sorry. Don't know who that is. I'm Rand al'Thor of the Two Rivers."

The figure pulled out a map and studied it, then, scratching his head, turned away. Rand could hear him mumble, "I knew I shoulda taken that left turn in Albuquerque."

When Rand awoke, he came downstairs to notice that Moiraine was already awake and was talking to a young, slender, and slightly boyish-looking girl with short dark hair and boy's clothes. Moiraine caught sight of Rand descending the staircase.

"Ah, Rand," said Moiraine. "I'd like to introduce you to Justin Bieber."

Before he could introduce himself, he saw Egwene and Nynaeve coming downstairs. Both were completely naked.

"Wha…. What are you doing?" stammered Rand.

Egwene sighed. "We're female characters. It's in our contract. We can't be in three straight chapters without being naked."

Rand harrumphed. "Weak union. All we have to do is act like complete pussies whenever we're going to get laid."

Egwene sniffed loudly.

"You really have to kick that cocaine habit, Egwene."

Wiping her nose, she replied, "I've got it under control."

As they all sat down to breakfast, another young woman stepped into the common room and approached Moiraine. Moiraine introduced her to the Two Rivers folk as Min Farshaw. "She has the ability to read the pattern and see people's future."

"What do you see when you look at me?" asked Rand.

Min squinted hard as she stared at him. After a long moment, her lips parted and she spoke. "Sequels. A shitload of them."

Lan then burst into the room and said to the group, "we gotta go. There are more Trollocs and Myrddraal on the way."