A/N: Wow…this story seems to be touching something in people and I can't tell you how much that means to me. I will try not to let you all down! Keep the feedback coming – it just inspires me to keep typing!

Standard Disclaimer: Blah blah blah ownership blah blah Kripke blah blah genius…

D.,

Got a late start today. Learned an important lesson last night. If you drink enough whiskey you can find a truly mellow and peaceful place in your mind. Probably why you like it so much. Of course, if you keep drinking once you are in that place it's a fast and slippery slide into the bottom of the bottle. Do you know what lives in the bottom of a bottle of whiskey? (Probably a dumb question…you've seen your share of them.) The most dangerous demon of them all. One who was happy to bargain with me, happy to bring you back to me…just not in the way I'd thought… Memory.

You never know just what strange items have stuck in your subconscious till that drunken demon comes for a visit. Not a demon that you can exorcise easily either. God knows I gave it a shot. Of course, after a fifth of whiskey it's just as likely I was singing the hokey pokey in Latin as it was that I was actually getting the exorcism words out.

Have one too many shots and suddenly you are thinking about things that haven't popped into your head in years. Like… remember when I was, oh… I think I was around six and we were staying in that crappy motel (yeah I know…they're all crappy) just outside of Augusta? We were playing hide and seek in the field out back of the motel. Dad was late back from a job, as usual, and now I realize that you were just trying to keep me occupied so I wouldn't pick up on how worried you were.

I just knew I'd found the perfect hiding place when I saw that peach tree. I was so careful climbing up onto that branch. I remember there were just enough leaves and blossoms to hide me pretty well from sight. Who knew I was allergic to peach tree blossoms? I can remember feeling that sneeze come on and trying sooo hard not to let it out. I knew you were close…if I could just hold it in a few more seconds you would pass right by me.

Well, we both know how that turned out. One massive sneeze and one broken branch later and I found myself on the ground, in pain, with a fractured wrist. And, let me think, who was it that picked me up and carried me back to the room? Who was it that gently set that same wrist in splints and then carefully wrapped the whole mess while keeping me from screaming my head off by making me sing that damn theme song from the Transformers cartoon over and over?

You kept telling me that I wasn't getting the robot voice right and making me try again, remember? I was soooo obsessed with the Transformers. Do you remember how I used to hide behind trees or bushes or whatever was handy trying to catch the Impala changing into some cool robot? I was so sure that a car as awesome as Dad's had to have been an Autobot.

Any other big brother probably would have teased me and told me how dumb it was to believe such a thing…but not you. You told me that it did change, but just for Dad, when he needed help on a job. You even painted the Autobot logo on the back bumper when Dad wasn't looking…he blistered your ass for that one…but I never knew why you were in trouble. Even while you were getting punished you still managed to make Dad promise not to tell.

By the way…mental note…the Transformers theme song… not the best thing to get stuck in your head when drinking.

The fact is that you, at ten years old, were taking care of me…fixing me… and it didn't seem strange in the least. Wasn't the first time that you took care of some injury I got from being careless or stupid...or just plain clumsy. You shouldn't have had to be the one to do that. You were just a kid yourself…or should have been. I guess the truth is you never were a kid. You never had the time to be.

Other kids…normal kids, had a Mom to take care of their bumps and bruises. Did Mom ever take care of you like that? Is that how you always knew the right thing to do…to say…to make it all better? God, I hope you have at least one good memory of Mom kissing away your pain… I know you couldn't have picked up that instinct from Dad. You know I loved him but, how shall I say it, the man wasn't going to win any awards for his nurturing instincts. It's always kind of amazed me that you came away from your childhood relatively unscarred…at least on the outside.

There are so many things I wish I could go back and change. So many times I saw that look of fear and worry in your eyes because of something stupid I had done. I wish that that bastard had just killed me that night instead of Mom. So many lives could have been different.

Yeah, Memory…she can really work a number on you. You should have memories of playing in the yard with your puppy (instead of sitting watch over your little brother with a sawed off shotgun), of Mom teaching you to dance so you could ask out that cute girl in your class (instead of getting lap dances from some young mom who was trying to make enough tips to send her kid to a private school), of Dad teaching you to drive in some empty parking lot (instead of being thrown in the driver's seat while being chased by a pack of angry vamps so Dad could take shots out the window).

Last night I would have given anything to stop the memories…to have just been able to drift off into oblivion, even if it was only for a little while. But today, today it's a different story. I realized that these memories may be all I have to get me through till I find a way to get you back. So, I'm going to hold on to every detail I can. There's a fresh bottle of Jack on the counter and I'm ready for another heart to heart with that demon…

The more I think about it; maybe I've had this all wrong. Maybe she isn't a demon after all… If she brings you back to me, even if it's just in my mind…then she's an Angel in my book… I'll take whatever I can get. I miss you Dean.

Love you,

S.

A/N: For those who are following my other ongoing fic "We'll Find A Way", have no fear, I haven't given up on the story. A new chapter is in the works. I just keep getting sidetracked by these one shots and mad plot bunnies that keep crowding my keyboard, promise to update it soon!