My suckage continues to know no bounds, I know. On the updating front and the replying to reviews front. I don't even want to know how long it's been since I updated this time. I have a ton of excuses (real life kicking me in the ass, etc...), but enough of that.

Some of you are going to hate me for the ending, not because of what I wrote, but because of what I didn't write. Sorry. I was feeling too prim and proper to write the actual lemon. You can thank my beta (the incomparable Natty Dread) for the fact that I wrote as much of it as I did...I was going to end it after "...one hell of a ride." She said "uh...no." (not exactly her words, but you catch my drift).

This chapter and the next focus mostly on Rosalie. My apologies to the Jasper fans. Edward is in it quite a bit, though, if that is any consolation.

Warning: No one gets raped, but there is talk of rape up ahead. That's all I am going to say.


Bella:

As my emotions settled and the novelty of my new condition started wearing off, I began to pay more attention to the members of my family again, fascinated by how an unrelated group such as ours could come together and create an almost typical human family.

Carlisle made an unusual patriarch. He had always struck me as being a little overly permissive, especially with Edward – that is until I joined the family. That's when I understood how it was possible for one man to hold together a family of vampires. He left us to our own devices - until he felt he needed to step in. He kept us all in line, especially me, and I wasn't a picnic in those early months as a newborn. Esme was nurturing and motherhood personified. She was caring, yet knew when to step back and let us make our own mistakes. Jasper most closely resembled the responsible, studious eldest son attending college; Emmett, the jovial prankster jock who teased his youngest sister mercilessly. Alice was like the second youngest, the one who played dress-up with me and put me in make-up, heels and feminine dresses in spite of my reluctance and occasional whining. Edward, as my lover, was obviously in a class of his own. And Rosalie…she reminded me of the typical beauty queen older sister, more interested in her looks and her boyfriend than the pesky new addition to the family.

Naturally, things went a lot deeper below the surface. They were all very complex people, blending youth and exuberance with decades – or in one case centuries- of experience, most bearing some serious scars, visible or otherwise. Jasper and Carlisle, as empathic, kind and compassionate as they were, could be vastly terrifying. Jasper had a scary dark side that I had fortunately caught only a few glimpses of, and I wasn't referring to my fateful eighteenth birthday. Emmett too had a sensitive side mostly manifesting itself in an absolute, single-minded devotion to Rosalie's happiness. He was also very intelligent, educated, and surprisingly well read given the amount of time he spent playing video games. Alice, along with Esme, did a great deal for charity. Rosalie, I soon found out, donated a lot of her time to a rape crisis hotline, but other than that aspect of her past, I knew very little about her. She was something of a mystery to me.

She and I were not close. We would do anything to protect each other, and I loved her in the way you love someone because they are family, even though you don't particularly like them. She wore an aura of disdain around her that told me she was still bent out of shape because I had thrown away my chances at having a husband and children, and it annoyed me because my choices really weren't any of her damn business. Rosalie was projecting her desires for a normal cookie-cutter life on me, and like Edward, had never bothered to ask me if I even wanted any of that stuff.

I didn't. I had made my distaste for marriage very clear to Edward, but we had never made it to the topic of children. Edward simply assumed that all women were longing to have babies, and I had never actually voiced my feelings on the subject out loud, to him or anyone else. I'd been too young to truly think about having kids before I met him, and having spent most of my life taking care of my parents, I wasn't even sure I'd ever want any. In any case, I hadn't planned on thinking about it for a long time, and meeting Edward had obviously put an end to the subject entirely. I wanted him more than I could ever want a so-called normal life of a husband, 2.5 kids, a pet, and a picket fence. It was all a moot point anyway, now that I was a vampire, but Rosalie still carried some lingering resentment. So yes...Rosalie and I didn't have much of a relationship.

Which made it all the more surprising that she was the one I ran to when I almost raped Edward.

Alice had been playing dress-up with me, after which we were going to take some pictures to send to my parents, and the friends I had left behind. We had staged a fake after-lunch scene in the dining room at her urging, complete with crumpled napkins, glasses and half empty coffee cups (with flat coke standing in as coffee). Since I had been turned, we were gradually building up a photographic record of my time with the Cullens, which I sent to Renee, Charlie, and my Forks friends as we took them. Pictures of Edward and I hiking (on a cloudy day), group shots, baseball games, and when the season turned to winter, snowball fights, even a picture of Alice and I with our arms around each other, looking over our shoulders. It was the vision Alice had had long ago, before I'd fallen for Edward, permanently frozen in a snapshot. That one I had not only sent to Charlie, but framed and hung in my room as well, as it was very special to me.


I was at the sink, washing up the few cups and wineglasses we had used to simulate our lunch, when I felt two hands drifting around my waist and settling on my stomach, making my skin thrum and warmth blossom low in my belly. I quickly dried my hands on a dish towel and turned in Edward's arms, facing him and lacing my fingers in his hair at the back of his head. He tugged me closer and dipped his head, kissing me softly, ghosting his lips along my cheek.

"Let's go for a walk in the woods," he whispered in my ear.

Hope flared. "Just you and me?" I said, pulling away and smiling up at him. He nodded.

"Carlisle is ok with this?" Surprise colored my voice.

"Yes." His hands wandered up my back and under my hair. "We aren't going far. Just out of hearing range. I want us to have some privacy." His nose bumped mine and he went in for another gentle kiss.

"Ok," I breathed, looking up at him adoringly.

He gave me my favorite lopsided grin. "Let's go," he rumbled quietly, stepping away from me and taking my hand

I let him lead me out of the kitchen, towing me along behind him, down the terrace steps and into the trees, the sounds of household and family fading as we went deeper into the shadows. "Why am I suddenly being allowed to go off with only one babysitter?" I asked, stumbling slightly and righting myself so quickly only a vampire could have known I had tripped. I smiled in amusement, somehow cheered by this remnant of my humanity. Where once I would have seen this as a sign of my failure as a vampire, now it was a comforting reminder that I still maintained certain aspects of my human self. It also helped that though I still tripped and stumbled, I would never actually fall; my vampire reflexes were simply too good for that to ever happen. My amusement spiked when I compared my attitude toward this very human failing to my attitude in my early days as a vampire, when a stumble like this one had sent me to the brink of despair. Though I was still struggling, it was clear even to me that I had come a long way. Edward confirmed my thoughts a moment later.

"Jasper says your control has improved tremendously, your willingness to accept help shows a lot of maturity, and he thinks you can be trusted. It's a rainy, windless day, so there is no risk of a stray human's scent being blown your way, should anyone even be out in this weather. Alice doesn't see anything going wrong. There is very little chance of anything bad happening. We'll be fine."

We continued walking at a human pace, so I could enjoy being out with just Edward for as long as possible. Our fingers interlaced, we strolled silently through the emerald light of the woods, listening to the staccato pattering of falling water and the sucking and squishing of our feet as we walked. Though it wasn't currently doing more than drizzling, the water was dripping from the spring leaves, and I watched each shimmering, spherical drop undulate on its way down before exploding into an iridescent crown of droplets on the dead leaves of the forest floor. I turned my face up to the canopy, welcoming each warm splash of water on my face.

The rain picked up suddenly, the staccato pattering turning into rapid drumming, a thundering downpour that was referred to as a male rain in the Southwest where I had grown up. Though we were somewhat protected by the leaves, we were soon soaked.

I found it to be an arousing experience, as a vampire. Though our bodies were what Edward called dead, and I preferred to call petrified, our skin, incongruously, was infinitely more sensitive to stimulus; certain kinds anyway. Light touches seemed like they were increased a thousand fold. A light breeze through the hairs on my arms had an almost erotic effect on me. I had been told this would fade as I became accustomed to my new body, which was a pity, because this was a very pleasurable aspect of being a vampire when it wasn't embarrassing the hell out of me by affecting Jasper and by extension everyone around him.

The rain roared around us, and I felt primal and powerful. I focused on Edward as he walked ahead of me, lost in thought, his soaked shirt clinging to every shifting swell of the muscles on his back. A spark of lust ignited my belly, sensitizing my skin even more. The rain, snaking in rivulets along my throat and down my cleavage and back, felt like a thousand fingers lightly caressing every cell of my skin. I could not bite back a moan, and Edward turned at the sound, looking at me with a question in his eyes.

I should have seen…I should have recognized the head-space he was in, but I was too lost in my own sensations, every inch of my skin crawling, positively itching with lust. I stared at him for a long moment, my eyes traveling from his chest, dark nipples visible through the thin cotton of his shirt, up to his face, his hair glued to his forehead and his mouth glossy with rain, a fat drop trembling precariously from his lower lip. Driven to distraction by his strong jaw and chiseled dark, dusky rose lips, I threw myself at him, rocking him back with the force of the impact of my body, fisting my hands in his hair and yanking his head down so I could devour his mouth. I tasted the rain on his lips (not the most pleasant of flavors) as I kissed him ferociously, sucking on his lips. His hands fastened vice-like around my arms and he returned the kiss just as passionately, while trying to push me away at the same time.

That was the main source of what would turn out to be a massive misunderstanding. I took that push-pull as an invitation to get a little rough with him, just as I had done many times before. Moving slightly to the side, I took his legs out from under him with a sweep of one of mine. He landed flat on his back with a wet thud and I was straddling him in a split second, sending buttons flying when I tore his shirt open to bare his chest and stomach.

"Bella, wait…" his words turned into a hiss when I lowered my head, nipping roughly at his nipples. He threaded his fingers through the saturated ropes of my hair, holding on to my head, trying to get my attention. "Bella, stop, I want to talk to you first."

I heard the words, but they just didn't register. I was too far gone to pay attention to what I thought were simply token attempts at fighting me; this was a game we played often, after all. I just stared at him hungrily, grinding my hips against him, looking for the telltale signs of lust in his face. He winced, biting back a groan, and I felt him stirring between my legs. Jackpot, I thought gleefully, bucking against him again, the rough wet denim scraping me on my bare skin, sending tendrils of pleasure curling like smoke in my belly. I reached blindly for his belt buckle, unfastening it and deftly popped the buttons on his jeans. His hands left my head and latched onto my wrists, pulling my hands away from his crotch.

"Bella!" he ground out, more forcefully this time. "Stop!"

I twisted my hands free, and shifted down his legs, reaching for and pulling his jeans down past his hips until his erection sprang free. I hissed in satisfaction. No underwear again; Edward was really loosening up, now that we were sleeping together regularly. I shifted up again, sliding myself up the length of him, peeling my wet skirt away from my thighs and bunching it up higher to keep it out of the way.

"Nooo…" he moaned, bucking his hips up into me, his head thrashing back and forth in denial as he pushed at me with his hands. Snatching at his wrists, I pulled his hands away from my shoulders and pinned his arms to the earth on either side of his shoulders, preparing to lower myself on to him as he struggled beneath me.

Suddenly, he stopped fighting and just lay there, looking me straight into the eyes. "This is rape, Bella," he whispered.

I will never know why it was that those words got through to me and registered. Perhaps it was because he spoke them quietly and seriously, where all the struggling and protesting had done nothing. In any case, they had the effect of a bucket of ice water thrown into my face. I froze and focused on his face, finally hearing in my memory everything he had said while I was attempting to ravage him, and in a split second had jumped to my feet and was looking down at him in horror.

The image of Edward lying on the forest floor, smudged with dirt and with dead leaves and twigs tangled in his hair, would be forever burned in my memory. I might be able to ignore it for a time, but it would always be there in the background, yet another mortifying moment for me to relive again and again. I stared down at him in absolute horror, disgusted by what I saw, by what I had done to the man I loved more than life. I was bombarded by images from my human life, things I had accidentally seen as the daughter of a police officer flashing in my mind. Lying on his back, his hands thrown up beside his head, muddied shirt ripped open and pulled off his shoulders, jeans pushed down, bare from the thighs up, he looked so much like a victim of sexual abuse - rape…don't use a fancy euphemism, it's rape, just own it – only it was all wrong, because he was a man.

Edward only lay there for a second, before planting his feet on the ground and lifting his hips, pulling his jeans back up with a hiss. He hopped quickly to his feet, buttoning himself up. He looked at me then, and I must have been wearing an awful expression, because shock flooded his face. "Bella…" he croaked, reaching out a hand to me and taking a step in my direction.

It was all I heard. The moment he moved toward me, I was running before I even made a conscious decision to do so, my throat and eyes burning with the need to cry. It took several long seconds for me to notice there were no sounds of pursuit, and I slowed, finally coming to a stop, sobbing. What had I done? What on earth had possessed me? How could I have misunderstood the situation so thoroughly? I sank slowly to my knees and dropped to the ground, rolling over on to my back. I closed my eyes and as my harsh gasps abated, listened to the saturated earth squelching wetly as it settled slowly under the weight of my body. Sometime during the last few minutes, the rain had stopped again. The forest was alive with the sound of water, and the loud, steady splat of raindrops hitting the ground near me was oddly relaxing.

I hadn't been lying there for very long when I realized I should be heading home. The family would be very worried; it surprised me that they weren't already searching for me. Jumping to my feet, I arranged the sodden folds of my skirt around me, wrung out my hair and tossed it behind me, and ran home as fast as possible, slowing as I neared the house. Through the thinning tree line, I saw the family assembled on the terrace. They were all slightly damp, with the exception of Rosalie, who was standing just inside the French doors, out of the rain.

Everyone turned to me as I stepped out into the open, a sound of relief coming from Edward when he saw me. I studiously avoided looking at him, my eyes inextricably drawn to Jasper, who was leaning against the house with his thumbs hooked in the pockets of his jeans, watching my like a hawk. When I approached, he peeled his shoulders away from the wall and tensed slightly, his hands falling loosely to his sides, and turned toward me. He didn't need to say a word; the look in his eyes was enough. I dropped my shield and waited patiently while he assessed my emotional state. He winced but stayed silent. When he had satisfied himself that I wasn't going to flip out on him, he nodded and I drew my shield back around myself. These were feelings I didn't want to experience at all, let alone in front of an audience, even if it was only Jasper.

"Bella…"

I flinched at the sound of Edward's voice, steeling myself against what he might say next. When he didn't speak again, I looked up at Jasper who was staring in his direction wordlessly, clearly having some kind of mental discussion with him. I had no idea of Edward's state of mind, and was afraid of finding out. I was too mortified.

The next minute was quite ridiculous. Everybody was focused on me, waiting to see what I would do next. I was waiting too, because I had absolutely no idea how to act or what to say. I needed to talk to someone, that much was certain, but I didn't know who. I could not talk to any of the men, that's for sure. That left Alice, Esme, and…

"Bella…" Edward spoke again, and his pleading voice unlocked me.

I bolted straight for Rosalie, crashing into her and clinging to her as if my life depended on it, past wondering why the one person I had chosen to go to for help was the one who liked me the least. She stiffened slightly at first, and then her arms went around me. "Jesus, Bella, you're soaked," She pushed me away, holding me at arms length, "and filthy. Come on, let's go get you out of those rags."

Esme appeared at my side with a couple of fluffy towels and a pair of flip-flops. "Dry yourself as best you can, and put those on. I don't want you tracking dirt into the house. You have half the forest stuck to your feet, honey," she said reproachfully, vigorously toweling the excess water out of my dripping hair.

I dried myself and my clothes enough to not drip a trail through the house, brushed the excess dirt off my feet and pushed them into the flip-flops, and allowed Rosalie to lead me wherever we were going. To my surprise, she led me straight to her room and through to her en suite bathroom. I watched in surprise as she started running me a bath, pouring a generous amount of foaming bath oil under the running water.

"This is a safe haven, Bella," she said, replacing the bottle of oil on the ledge. "You can stay in here and in my room as long as you want. You won't have to face Edward until you are ready." Taking a couple of towels out of the cabinet, she placed them on the sink.

"You know what happened," I said flatly, watching her for her reaction. What was I thinking, coming to Rosalie for help? She had experienced rape first hand. What must she think of me?

There was no judgment in her stunning face when she turned to face me. "More or less. Now get in, I'll be back later if you need to talk."

She left the room, closing the door behind her. I peeled off my filthy clothes and climbed into the hot water, sinking beneath the bubbles with a contented hum. I relaxed in the tub until the water had cooled beyond the point where it was pleasant, and then slowly washed my hair and body, delaying having to go out and face my family for as long as possible. When I had done all I possibly could to delay leaving, I finally wrapped myself in a large towel and left the bathroom, just as Rose came into her bedroom with something for me to wear. She wordlessly handed me the pile of folded clothes, and went to sit down at her vanity. I ducked back into the bathroom and dressed in the tank top and yoga pants she had brought me. Once I was dressed, I left the bathroom again, hovering nervously just inside her bedroom, unsure of what to do next. I didn't want to leave the room, not ready to face Edward just yet. While I was standing there, I took a good look around.

I had never been in Rosalie's room. It was breathtaking. Light and airy, it was very reminiscent of Rebecca's room in the Hitchcock adaptation of one of my favorite books. Unlike Rebecca's room though, this one looked elegantly and incongruously occupied. There was an opulent silk robe draped over the divan, its hem pooling on the floor, and a pair of oil-stained denim dungarees lay in a rumpled pile next to it on the creamy carpet. There was a socket wrench resting on the vanity next to a silver-backed hairbrush. I could not repress a smile at the sight.

My eyes were drawn to the stack of books on the nightstand. I moved a little closer to see what Rosalie was currently reading and was surprised; Gibran, The Mathematical Experience, and on top, a very luridly colored paperback. I reached for it and turned it over, glancing at the title, and rolled my eyes. Captive. If the title wasn't enough, the cover, with its unrealistically beautiful couple locked in a permanently frozen struggle, told me everything I needed to know.

"This is a strange combination of books to be reading," I commented, setting the romance novel aside and picking up the math book.

Rosalie discarded the tissue she had been using to wipe cleansing cream off her face and glanced at the books. "I am only reading The Prophet and the math book right now. Emmett's reading the bodice ripper," she said nonchalantly, pulling another tissue out of the dispenser.

My jaw dropped, and I reached for it again. "Emmett is reading this!?" I took a closer look at the cover art. An improbably handsome pirate with an absurdly bouffant shirt, painted on breeches and ridiculously theatrical knee-high boots was holding on to a 'wench' with long dark hair wearing a barely adequate chemise which seemed to be hanging only by her very erect nipples. Why did the women on the covers of these books always seem to have a faint look of distaste on their faces, anyway?

She focused on her reflection in the mirror again. "Mmm hmm." Her reply was muffled by the tissue she was wiping across her lips, seeking out the last of the cleanser.

"I didn't figure him for the type," I murmured, thoroughly nonplussed, flipping the book over to read the blurb on the back cover.

"He's not," Rosalie said, turning to me. "He's reading it because he wants to get to know me better." I must have looked confused because she elaborated. "Once in a great while, I go through a romance novel phase. I wade through a lot of junk, but occasionally, I find one that I like for some reason. I keep those, and that is one of them. Emmett can't imagine why I would enjoy something like that when I have him, so he's reading them to try and figure me out."

I raised my eyebrows and smiled. "Oh my goodness, that is really sweet!"

Rosalie's face softened. "Yes…it is," she sighed dreamily, reaching for her hairbrush. Her eyes were out of focus; she was clearly thinking of Emmett, and I was staggered by the love in her face and how vulnerable it made her look.

I watched her as she drew the brush languidly through her golden hair, suddenly distracted by the way her thick springy curls bounced back when the brush had passed through them. Standing, I walked over to her, seating myself next to her on the roomy bench.

The light of the setting sun broke through the clouds, washing her river of hair in red gold. Shiny…Unaware of anything else, and still young enough to be fascinated and distracted by all the things I could now see with my enhanced vision, I picked up one molten curl, twining it around my finger, and watched the lights dance fluidly in its copper depths. It, like her skin, seemed to glitter, but with a far less aggressive fire.

"Would you?" she asked, holding out the brush to me. Slightly dazed, I looked at it and then her, and took it. She turned her back to me, and we were both straddling the bench. As I brushed her hair, that warm feeling of family flooded me again; I was sharing a moment with my distant older sister, reverently brushing her glossy hair. I turned my head for a moment, looking into the mirror and caught my breath at the sight of us. Rosalie was facing the setting sun, and her profile was visible in the mirror, gilded in blazing light. Sitting in her shadow, I was dimmed, glowing too, but with a far more muted fire. It was a very symbolic image.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

I looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had turned her face to the mirror too, and was looking back at me with eyes stained peach by the sunset. I dropped my gaze to the table top, toying with the bottles and jars arranged neatly on the surface, unsure as to how to start. I examined a crystal bottle labeled in beautiful calligraphy and removed its stopper, inhaling the delicate, absolutely heavenly fragrance.

"Emmett had it specially made for me. It is supposed to mimic what I smell like to him," Rosalie offered, still observing me in the reflection of the mirror. I leaned slightly toward her, inhaling her, finding definite similarities between her scent and the one Emmett had created for her. He had a very good nose apparently; the perfume complemented her perfectly. He had simply named it Rosalie.

I replaced the stopper and set the vial carefully back in its place, reaching for a jar containing a very fine bisque powder.

"When Alice plays dress-up with you, does she actually show you how to apply the make-up she puts on you, or does she just slap it on?"

"She just puts it on me," I replied absently, replacing the jar and running my fingers lightly over the bristles of her make-up brushes.

"That's something you are going to have to learn to do yourself, if you ever want to blend in with humans. It isn't like making up a human face." She shifted, lifting a leg over the bench until she was facing me, our knees touching. "I prefer powder myself," she said, selecting a jar of pale powder and a fat brush. "Mineral powders need to be reapplied more often since we don't have natural skin oils that help it adhere to our skin, but liquid or cream foundations feel unpleasantly mask-like, at least to me. Now watch what I am doing." She unscrewed the lid, dipped the tips of the bristles into the powder, swirled the brush on the inside of the lid and tapped off the excess. With sweeping, circular motions she buffed the powder onto my skin. "Don't go more than a shade darker than your skin tone. Anything more will look unnatural." Next, she reached for another jar containing a terracotta powder. She repeated her actions with the brush before turning my face back toward her with a finger to my chin. "This will give your skin some warmth," she continued, lightly dusting the brush over my forehead, nose, cheekbones and chin.

When she was done she gestured for me to look in the mirror. My skin, though still very pale, had a slightly warmer, more human tinge to it now. "All you need now is a bit of blush, and you'll look far more human." She followed her words with a sweep of rosy powder from a third, smaller jar to my cheeks, and I looked almost normal; a slightly inhuman normal, but no longer that otherworldly white. I looked back at her as she rummaged through one of the drawers, pulling out a cellophane wrapped make-up bag. Slipping in the items she had just used on me, she handed me the bag with a gruff "Here. You can have these. Practice with them."

There was a lump in my throat as I reached for the bag, holding it almost reverently, slightly awed that Rosalie would not only take the time to teach me something, but that she would give me an unexpected gift as well. The whole day had been slightly surreal. The fact that Rosalie had stepped in and taken care of me, bringing me to her sanctuary and letting my stay there as I tried to come to grips with what I had almost done to Edward meant I owed her an explanation, at the very least.

"How much do you already know?" I asked her warily.

She knew exactly what I was referring to. "Everything, from Edward's point of view anyway," she replied. "I'd like to hear your side. He says you got rough and he accused you of trying to rape him."

I winced at her bluntness, but that very bluntness is why I turned to her over this in the first place. If anyone was going to give it to me straight, it was Rosalie. The fact that she was the victim of rape herself made her the best person to pass judgment on me.

She looked at me. "Surely you aren't naive enough to think that what you did was attempted rape," she said a little sharply.

That annoyed me. "Let's see...I used my superior strength to overpower him, and tried to have sex with him against his will. He said no repeatedly, Rosalie. He tried to fight me off. I didn't stop. Sounds like attempted rape to me."

She snorted impatiently. "Bella, I don't need to have been there to tell you that what went on between the two of you had nothing to do with rape. You got frisky, you got carried away, Edward couldn't control the situation the way he usually does, so he said something stupid to stop you..."

I set the make-up bag on the vanity and rose to my feet suddenly. "You've got to be kidding me! You can't seriously blame all of this on Edward!" Maybe her history with Edward made her the wrong person to talk to after all.

"Don't be silly," she snapped, reaching for me and pulling me back down. "You're both equally to blame in this. It was bound to happen. In fact, I am surprised it didn't happen sooner."

I gave her a questioning look.

"Your dominance and submission games," she clarified.

"What?" I squeaked, almost jumping up again. "What do you mean?"

She sighed. "You dominate Edward sexually," she explained patiently. "You know, pin him down, have your wicked way with him...you dominate him. He submits to you. For now, anyway. Your sex life is going to get real interesting when you lose your strength," she added as an afterthought, grinning knowingly at me.

I was mortified. I figured that the fact that Edward and I had sex was glaringly obvious - it was hard to miss anyone having sex when you were a vampire - but I didn't know the details of our encounters were public knowledge. I must have looked like a deer trapped in the headlights, because Rosalie smiled again.

"Do you guys have a safeword?"

"A wh…what?" I stammered, feeling like the whole conversation was getting away from me.

"A word Edward can use if he wants you to stop whatever it is you're doing to him."

I did a perfect imitation of a goldfish.

"I'll take that as a no. Then let me ask you this. How would Edward tell you if he wanted you to stop?"

My mouth opened and closed as I tried to come up with something to say, but I had nothing. Clearly, there was a lot Edward and I hadn't considered, which made sense. When it came to practical experience, we were both equally naïve and inexperienced. Edward may have been witness to a lot, what with his mind-reading abilities and living with three couples, but he had no experience being in a relationship himself, and certainly not with a newborn who was infinitely stronger than he was.

"If you are not going to have a safeword, then 'no' has to mean 'no'," Rosalie continued when I said nothing.

I ducked my head, allowing my hair to partially shield my mortified face. "But…he has said no before and didn't mean it…" I said, confused and getting upset about it.

"Hence the need for some way for Edward and you to tell each other when you want the other to stop," she said gently, sweeping the hair out of my face and over my shoulders. "Now why don't you go out there and talk to him? The poor sap is waiting for you."

"No!" I yelped, standing up. "Not yet. I am too embarrassed." I flopped onto her bed on my back, covering my face with my hands and groaning. "I don't think I will ever be able to face him," I moaned.

"My God, Bella, you and Edward are such drama queens!" she huffed impatiently. "I can't believe you have both made it this far together. You are as bad as he is with the endless guilt! He is wallowing out there, you are wallowing in here…get together and talk about it already!"

"I will, I will…just…not yet. I need to…I want to…" I stuttered.

"Oh, for the love of lipstick," Rosalie muttered, "hide out in here for now if you must. You are going to have to face him eventually, you know, if only when you leave this room. I'll not have you in here indefinitely." With those words, she left the room, shutting the door with a bang behind her, leaving me to my own devices.

Not surprisingly, I wasn't left alone for long. I had just settled on the bed to read one of Rosalie's books when Emmett came crashing through the door, startling me.

"Bellaaaah!" he wailed.

That's it. I was going to obliterate his copy of Streetcar Named Desire. "Jackass," I replied in greeting, looking up with a smile.

He threw himself into the air, landing flat next to me on the bed, his weight bouncing me about a foot into the air. I gave an annoyed hiss as I landed back on the mattress in an undignified sprawl. Emmett propped himself up, reached for a handful of the front of my shirt, and hauled me back up against the pillows with one hand.

"Are you ever going to talk to Copper-top again? He's absolutely miserable over this."

His copy of The Matrix was next on my hit list. "Of course I am, Em. Just not yet. I'm too humiliated." I buried my nose back into Rose's book to stave off any further discussion on the subject. I didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Emmett lifted himself onto one elbow and reached across me to pick up the romance novel. Piling some of Rosalie's pillows behind him and punching them into position, he settled back, thumbing quickly through the book until he found his place and started reading. I watched him discretely, almost giggling at the sight of big burly Emmett reading that garish, girly book.

We read in companionable silence for several hours before Emmet suddenly closed the book with a snap. "Well, that's three hours of my life I'll never get back," he said.

"Like you can't afford to lose a few hours," I muttered. "So, how was it?" I indicated the book he had tossed on the bed between us.

He shrugged. "Honestly, I don't get it."

"What don't you get?" I said, shutting my own book and turning to look at him. "Maybe I can help. You know, give you a woman's insight. Not that I've read that many of those types of books. They get boring after a while, because they're all pretty much the same."

"Well, for one, the pirate captain threatens to punish the girl if she runs away, which of course she does, so as punishment he proceeds to seduce her and fuck her brains out. I mean tell me, how is giving a girl who is already in love with you the orgasm of a lifetime punishment?"

"Sorry, can't help you there," I replied, grinning. "I have never quite understood that aspect of romance novels either."

"Well, enough of that," he said, jumping off the bed and holding out his hand to me. "Time to be an adult, and talk to your mate. Come on."

I eyed his hand and then him balefully. "No. Not yet," I muttered.

He sighed. "Bella…"

"No," I interrupted with conviction, stubbornly crossing my arms over my chest.

Emmett observed me pensively for a moment. "Rose," he said finally, a little louder than his regular speaking voice.

"Calling for reinforcements, Em?" I teased him.

"Damn straight, little girl. I'm breaking out the heavy artillery. You have been hiding in here long enough. It's time to face him. It's not fair to let him stew like that. One way or the other, you are going to be going through that door in the next few minutes."

Moments later, Rosalie walked into the room.

"So, what, you're both going to physically drag me out of here?"

"Only if you don't get your ass out there under your own steam," she replied, moving around to the side of the bed I was lying on. "So, what's it to be?" She put her hands on her hips and waited, looking down at me with one eyebrow raised.

"You said I could stay here as long as I wanted," I muttered, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed.

"I changed my mind," she said. "Now, up. And don't even think about making a run for it, either."

I bit back my own smile, because that was exactly what I was thinking about. Not seriously, of course, but the thought of making a mad dash for the window had crossed my mind.


I still wasn't ready, but I probably would never be, and it wasn't fair to let Edward stew a minute longer. So, at Rose and Emmett's firm and insistent urging, I left the room to finally face him. He was standing at the end of the hallway with his legs shoulder width apart, his arms crossed over his chest, motionlessly waiting for me, as he apparently had been since shortly after I'd disappeared into Rosalie's room. When he saw me emerge, he dropped his arms to his side, taking a step toward me, looking both lost and hopeful at the same time.

I came to a standstill and froze. Time ground to a halt, and the world around me faded.

This is where one of the positive aspects of being a vampire came into play. 'Enhanced emotions' didn't just apply to the negative ones. While I had been wallowing in guilt and embarrassment over what I had done, I had completely forgotten how deeply I loved Edward, and how much more than this I owed him. Instead of childishly hiding and nursing my wounded pride, I should have tackled the problem head on. I should never have gone to Rosalie; I should have gone straight to him. My mate. I looked at him, wearing all his feelings for me on his face, and all the love and passion I felt for him came surging back, utterly obliterating the petty emotions I felt over what had happened. Every single one of the others would have gone straight to their mates to work out their problems. Only I ran from mine, hurting the love of my life in the process.

We simply stood, staring into each others' eyes for an endless moment. I couldn't read his thoughts, but I could more or less guess at them from the expressions flitting across his face, some of them in response to what he saw on mine. Hurt, confusion, anger, guilt, relief and above all, profound and abiding love.

I felt like a heel for having let him stew for hours while I came to grips with my stupidity, and flew into his arms. "I'm so sorry," I mumbled into his chest, as he folded his arms around me. "Please forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive, Bella," he murmured gratefully into my hair, the relief clear in his voice.

His endlessly forgiving nature when it came to my mistakes angered me suddenly. "Yes, there is!" I snapped, looking up at his soft amber eyes. "I..." I couldn't say the word. "I took advantage of you. I..."

He put a hand to my face, gently caressing my cheek with his thumb. "You got carried away by the moment, Bella. That's all. You are young and easily distracted, and I didn't take that into consideration. I'm the one who should ask for forgiveness. I should never have said what I did. I brought you out there with the intention of talking to you about something, and just wanted to get you to stop so I could have my say. It was an incredibly hurtful, stupid thing for me to do."

"But I should have come to you, Edward. I'm sorry I ignored you and went to Rosalie. I couldn't see past my shame, and just wanted to hide. I should have trusted you and spoken to you. I definitely need your forgiveness for that."

"You don't, Bella, but you have it anyway. I forgive you," he said gently.

Absolved by him, I leaned into his hand, feeling almost lightheaded with relief. "Can we start over?" I asked softly, reaching up and tracing the smooth line of his jaw with the tips of my fingers. "Can we go back to where we were before this happened? Will you go for a walk with me, Edward?"

He nodded, smiling gratefully. "It would be my pleasure, love," he whispered, dipping his head to kiss me softly on the forehead and then the nose. Draping his arm around my shoulders, he walked me into my room. He opened the window, hopped up onto the ledge and held out his hand to me, helping me up beside him, more out of habit or politeness and good breeding than because I needed it. We dropped to the ground below and wandered off into the trees together, hand in hand.

"So...what did you want to talk to me about?" I prompted him gently as we strolled through the malachite darkness of the night-time forest.

I watched his profile as I waited for his reply. He said nothing for a while, finally stopping and turning to me, tucking his hands into his back pockets. "I wanted to talk to you about marriage," he said uncertainly, "and I wanted privacy to do it."

My heart sank, and my eyes slid from his face. I thought I had dodged that particular bullet when he went and kidnapped me. Our agreement was pretty much null and void as a result, even though he had given me my first sexual experience while I was still human. My mouth opened and closed as I tried to come up with something to say, but my mind was frozen in fear and indecision. I was completely unprepared for this conversation, as my views on marriage remained essentially unchanged. I didn't see the necessity as a human, and I saw it even less as a vampire. Our marriage would become null and void when we changed identities anyway, so why go through with the charade?

He turned to face me, and I saw the hope bleed out of his face, to be replaced with a blank expression. I didn't need to be Jasper to know that underneath his facade, he was hurt by my indecision. It told him everything he needed to know.

"Edward, you know I love you more than life, more than anything, right?" I whispered, reaching for his hand and clasping it to my heart with both of mine. This time he didn't conceal his hurt, immediately assuming the worst. "Don't jump to conclusions," I continued quickly. "I just want to suggest we table this discussion until I am past all this newborn drama. I don't think I can talk about this right now. But I swear to you, once I am past the worst, we will have a lengthy discussion about this. I promise you I will keep an open mind, and take your opinion and your desires into consideration."

I could see how much he wanted to argue, how desperately he wanted to press the issue. I wasn't sure if he saw the sense in what I was saying, though, and wondered if he thought I was stalling. The old Edward might have pushed, and the old me would have refrained from voicing my thoughts, afraid of upsetting the apple cart.

"This isn't a stalling tactic, Edward," I reassured him. "You've seen first hand how emotionally overwrought I can get right now. If we have this discussion now, it could get ugly, and I am pretty sure my answer would still be no. You deserve better than an outright refusal. This is a subject that deserves serious thought, and I feel I need to be emotionally stable for it. You can understand that, can't you?"

He gave me a resigned nod and started walking again. I could tell he was still deeply saddened by my refusal. I followed behind him until we came to a grassy clearing in the trees, and then reached for his arm to stop him. "Let's lie down and look at the stars, ok?" I spoke softly, pulling him down to the damp grass. The rain had moved on and the clear black sky was studded with stars throbbing with color. We lay on our backs with our shoulders and heads touching, talking softly about safe subjects and seeing who could spot the most satellites flying across the star-spangled void.

As pleasant as it was to lie there quietly, I still felt like I needed to address what had transpired between us. I needed to apologize again for leaving him.

Rosalie had helped me see that Edward and I needed to talk about our sexual relationship more. Still, I couldn't bring myself to discuss the matter of a safeword yet. Having a safeword seemed too staged to me. I would rather take 'no' for an answer from now on than talk about safewords with Edward. Call me a prude, but I just couldn't. Maybe when I had lost some of my inhibitions – which were fast falling by the wayside, but not fast enough – I would feel more comfortable broaching a subject like that one. I would rather not dominate Edward again than start a discussion on that subject.

I turned onto my side and nuzzled into him, resting my head on my arm, my forehead touching his temple and my nose grazing his cheek. "I'm not going to use my strength against you anymore," I whispered evasively, knowing he would understand what I meant. He shifted onto his side as well, until we were almost nose to nose.

"I am sorry to hear that," he whispered back.

Surprised, I pulled my head back to get a better look at him. "You are?"

He nodded, smirking. "I like it. It's sexy." His face grew serious again. "Besides, revenge will be sweet," he murmured menacingly, his eyes darkening. Whatever I had been about to say came out as a squeak, and I thought I might climax right then. The only thing more arousing than dominating Edward was being dominated by him.

I very deliberately rolled over onto my back, stretching seductively. "Would you like to take your revenge now?" I offered, my voice husky with desire. "I promise I won't fight you. You can do anything you want to me."

The words had barely left my mouth before Edward was looming over me, a dark shape highlighted in iridescent starlight, blocking out most of the sky and trapping me between his arms. He nudged my legs apart, and I obligingly spread them, bending them at the knees as he settled himself between my thighs. "Anything?" he said dangerously, thrusting once, hard, against me, sending shockwaves rippling through my body. "You are giving me carte blanche?" His voice deepened impossibly further, and I could almost feel it vibrating against my skin, a physical caress.

I whimpered, arching up toward him, my hands fisting in the grass above my head. "Yes…carte blanche…anything," I breathed unsteadily. "Please…"

He rose to his knees, shifting so they were on either side of my hips, and started unbuckling his belt, pulling it completely free of the loops of his jeans. "Well hold on tight Isabella, because I am going to take you for one hell of a ride…"


Well, payback was a bitch.

We had come full circle, and it was my turn to lie sprawled on the ground, right where I had collapsed after Edward was finally done with me. I lay on my stomach, naked and dirty, gagged with my own panties and tank top, my hands bound behind my back with his belt. This was only a symbolic gesture, obviously; a belt wouldn't have held the weakest of vampires, let alone a newborn like me. Edward had further spiced things up by threatening to immediately cease all activities and not touch me or let me touch him for a full week should I accidentally break free. It had taken me an incredible amount of control not to tear the belt, which could have come apart like gossamer without my even noticing it.

Once he had me 'immobilized', he started in on the sensory torture, his voice soft and threatening as he informed me that my skin was the largest erogenous zone on my body. My pleading cries were muffled by the cloth in my mouth as he used anything and everything he could get his hands on to stimulate my skin. Twigs, vegetation, a feather…nothing was off limits, and everything he did aroused me almost beyond bearable levels. And that was before he even touched me between my thighs. He tortured me for ages before finally entering me in one forceful thrust, and then tortured me for ages more as he turned and bent me this way and that, never withdrawing, but never allowing me to fall over the edge and climax either. When he finally did let me come, on my knees, with my face and chest pressed into the earth, I was sobbing, hoarse from screaming.

Edward freed my hands and I rolled over onto my back to find him standing over me, buckling his belt, outlined by the indigo pre-dawn sky. He was wearing a very self-satisfied smirk.

"One down," he said cryptically.

Frowning, I reached for the tank top tied over my mouth, asking with my eyes for permission to remove it. Pleased that I would seek his approval, he nodded. I pushed the tank top over my head and pulled my venom-dampened panties out of my mouth.

"One down?" I queried, sitting up and looking around for my pants.

He squatted on his haunches and tipped my face up to his, getting my attention and looking me squarely in the eyes. "An eye for an eye, Bella," he said seriously, a dark promise in his voice. "For every single time you used your superior strength to torture and tease me, you owe me an encounter like the one you just had. Enjoy your strength while it lasts, sweetheart, because the minute you lose it, I am going to start collecting."

With a whimper, I dropped back to the ground and climaxed. Again.