As always, I've re-read this and edited for coherency and consistency, as well as straight up additional content I didn't think of the first time through. c:


Blistering sun, scorching sand. The dream again. Only…

The sound of waves. The rolling crush of a tide.

Shepard lifted her head; she was face down in the sand, as before when she'd been jolted awake from her dream. She sluggishly pulled herself into a seated position on her knees and looked around to take in her new locale. The change of scenery after weeks of monotony was… disturbing to say the least. She was at the base of the same rolling gold sand dunes as before… but now found herself at the edge of a seemingly endless aquamarine ocean that spanned to the distant horizon as far as she could see. Crystal clear waves lapped at the beach, the tide ebbing and flowing like clockwork. Beautiful, no doubt… but…

There is no sea.

Her mouth formed the words unconsciously as she continued to absorb the landscape. Her body slumped, and she shifted her weight to arms planted at her sides to allow her legs to stretch out in front of her. Her toes curled into the sand uncomfortably, sifting grains between them. Another figment of a torturous and self-destructive mind, no doubt.

Do you really believe that, siha?

Shepard jumped in alarm and swiveled around, trying to pinpoint where the voice originated from, but there was nothing but sand and sea to greet her prying gaze.

Thane…?

Her voice rasped out, barely a croak. What did her subconscious honestly have against her that would force it to put her through this madness? Tears welled in her eyes as she rose to her feet, vigorously continuing to search the area for her lost love, though she wasn't sure she really wanted to find him. Still, she couldn't help it.

I told you, Shepard… I vowed that I would wait for you. I cannot forget my promises; you know this.

His voice seemed to echo and resound from all directions, coming from everywhere and nowhere at once. Unable to trace the voice's source, Shepard stumbled a few piteous and vain steps towards an arbitrary bearing, purely for the sake of movement. Pushing, even while her mind constantly screamed of the futility of it all.

Not that it really matters if I do find him… I've only been chasing a ghost all these nights. A figment of my cruel imagination.

A hand lighted on her shoulder.

Perhaps there is more to these things than what you seem to think there is, my siha.

"Shepard…?"

Shepard startled at being shaken and her eyelids flew open abruptly, her vision blurry as a result. She hissed, and her limbs flailed wildly in response to the sudden change to her state of consciousness. As a result, she tumbled out of the grasp that had held her and landed unceremoniously in a heap on a cold metal floor once again.

"Shepard, are you okay…?" The voice spoke tenderly and carefully, tinged with caution and a distinctive timbre. There was a hand on her shoulder again, heavier than the one from her dream however.

She tried to calm her momentary panic, but her heart continued to race and her heavy breathing was causing her entire body to shake uncontrollably. What the hell? Where am I? She searched, but her short term memory was blank, yielding no answers. Pain seared through her head and she slammed her eyelids shut to block out the light from her surroundings before the migraine could worsen any more.

"Shepard, you've been missing for hours… and judging by the empty bottle on the floor, I'd wager you're not feeling too good right about now." A small pause filled by a worried sigh. "EDI? I know it's already kind of dark in here, but can you dim the lighting in life support? I don't think the commander is exactly in top shape right now, and I'm sure she'd really appreciate it."

Shepard could see the change of brightness through her eyelids as the light backed off to a less offensive level.

"Is this intensity suitable, Officer Vakarian?"

"Yes, EDI. That'll do just fine. Thanks." Another short pause. "Shepard, can you sit up? I can help if you need it."

Shepard groaned loudly before making her response. The memories of her midnight conquest for inebriation were starting to return. "I think… I can. Just… gimme a minute." Son of a bitch, everything hurts. That really was a dumb idea. Why did I let me do this to myself? She shifted and attempted to push herself up from the floor to a seated position, but it proved to be a difficult task. Her limbs strained and quivered worse than before as they struggled to work her will, and she soon found her turian friend's strong arms endeavoring to assist her strained efforts. He helped her up and gently led her body to lean against the wall behind her. Her hands went to her face then moved to ball in her hair in a futile attempt to combat the pain pulsating in her brain, but her actions were to no avail. She opened her eyes timidly to look her comrade in the face. "Unnhhh… Garrus… how long have I been out?"

"Well I can't be sure how long exactly Shepard; I don't know what time you decided to come in here and tried to drown yourself." In the low light and miniscule glow from his visor she could barely make out the concerned twitch of his mandibles as he pondered his next sentence. "But Liara and Tali have been trying to page you up in your cabin for three hours or so. No one had seen you anywhere on the ship… and with your standing orders I think they were frankly all too scared to ever think of venturing in here."

"Of course you would be the one to disobey them… rules are there for a reason usually, Vakarian..." Shepard winced slightly at the sound of her own voice, but reality was slowly starting to stitch itself back together.

"You know me; never did like to play by the rules." He grinned, but the amusement didn't quite reach his eyes. They instead studied her face, filled with anxiety. "Shepard… is there something on your mind? I haven't seen you down that much booze since Virmire… are… are you okay?"

Shepard rubbed her hand across her face again. Another one of these talks? Someone kill me now, please. I just want off this subject for the rest of my life at this point. "Garrus, I'm sorry... but why are you even asking? You of all people should know the answer to that."

Garrus' eyes stayed fixated on her face, trying to look for some kind of clue. He never had exactly been the best with words. "Just because I think I know the answer doesn't mean I can't still ask. Sure, I can take a guess at what's been bothering you… but I'd rather you just told me yourself."

Shepard sighed. "You mean to tell me you haven't figured it out from the fact that we're sitting in life support as opposed to… say the lounge? Or even my cabin?" She arced an arm out, gesturing sharply at their surroundings. "I know you're not that dense, Garrus. Or did the missile to the face do more than just make you uglier?"

Garrus' jaw set and his gaze intensified. His eyes bored into her, letting it be visible that he wasn't going to put up with her stubbornness. "Shepard, I don't want to play guessing games with you all day long. I've been with you through all this mess… You trust me enough to keep husks and Cerberus goons off you as a hundred yards… but you don't trust me enough to talk to me?"

"It's not that I don't trust you, Garrus," Shepard groaned in slight annoyance. Her head was pounding, the pain stemming almost as much from her hangover migraine as from the current track of conversation. "It's not easy to talk about, and I'm supposed to be the unflappable Commander Shepard. Invincible saviour of the galaxy. I'm supposed to have no weaknesses, and I damn well better not show them in front of my team if I do."

He shook his head slightly. "Well… no insubordination meant, Shepard… but I'm not just one of your team," Garrus retorted. He laid a hand on her forearm, talons clutching he small limb gently. "I'm also your friend, and the one who's been at your side the longest and most consistently out of the crew on this ship right now. Talk to me, please. I know you don't think you need to, but I think you want to. Even if you don't realize it."

Shepard sighed and let her head fall to her chest. "You were there, Garrus. You watched it happen." She fought back the tears that sought to fall. Even if he was her friend, Garrus was still a member of her team, and she refused to show weakness in front of him if it could be helped. "Thane was as good as murdered right in front of me, and I was completely powerless to stop it. I watched my lover cough out his last breath in a hospital bed and for once there was nothing I could do."

His grip on her arm tightened. "Mmh… Shepard, that's not your fault."

Shepard's head snapped up to meet her friend's gaze. "Garrus, what kind of saviour am I if I can't even protect the person closest to me?" She looked up at him pleadingly, eyes searching for answers that she knew he couldn't give her. The waver in her voice was plain as day now, her efforts to hide it proving more futile by the moment.

Garrus sighed and dropped her arm from his grip. He pulled back and straightened his stance, crossing his arms and fixing her in another persistent stare. "You're a damn good one. No one can save everyone. You do the best you can, and your best is more than I think anyone else could ever do if put in your place."

"It's still not good enough…" Shepard sighed and shook her head, gaze dropping to the floor once more in her self-assumed shame. "Garrus, everyone looks at me like I have a plan. Like I'm some kind of genius mastermind at these things. But to tell the truth I have absolutely no idea at all what I'm doing."

He moved a hand out to point at her and emphasize his point. "And you're still doing better than anyone else could. You cured the genophage, and now you're working on negotiations of peace to end a 300 year long war between the geth and quarians." He paused for a moment, glancing away. His eyes stared off into nothing for a few moments, as if considering everything that had happened and all they'd been through. "For playing it by ear," his brow plates furrowed as his eyes came back once more to meet her own, "I'd say that so far the score's in your favor, Shepard."

"And what if that changes? What happens when I screw up again? I lost people on Eden Prime because I wasn't quick enough. We lost Kaidan on Virmire…" Shepard rubbed at her face, but did not remove her hands afterwards. She instead buried her face into them in an effort to hide the tears that were soon falling. So much for not showing weakness. "If we had lost anyone on the Collector base, I don't think I could have handled it… Mordin… and Thane… where does it all end, Garrus?" She was sobbing now, unable to contain it any longer. She shoulders shuddered with every sob and syllable. "How much… how many more do we have to lose?"

"Shepard… mm… none of that was your fault." Garrus rested a hand on her shoulder in an attempt at reassurance. "You've always done the best you can. That's all anyone can ever ask for. Losses along the way… well…" He paused and shook his head with another sigh. "They happen. Hell, I lost my whole team on Omega, Shepard. Do you think that doesn't haunt me?"

She inwardly cringed at her crass blunder into the current topic. "I'm sorry… I-I… I should have thought better of my words before speaking..." Shepard often forgot she wasn't the only 'failed' leader on board the Normandy.

"No, it's fine. You know why?" Garrus stood and moved to lean on the nearby table, eyes staring off into the past again. "Yes, I may regret it. Yes, it still gives me nightmares. But I moved on, Shepard, and I did better. You helped me do that. You showed me how to ever since I came on board the Normandy. Naïve, rogue C-Sec agent following the first human spectre on a mission that would make history. If only we'd known then, huh?" He turned and gave her that half-hearted grin again.

"I understand your comparison but…" Shepard shifted so she could pull her knees to her chest. "There's one big difference. You weren't in love with anyone on your team. Thane… honestly ever since he and I started getting close, he was the reason I kept fighting. Or at least the light that pushed me through the darkest parts. I'm a soldier; I have been almost all my life. War… it's all I know, Garrus… but I find myself wondering more and more why I keep fighting. With every loss, the reasons become less and less, and I just start to wonder what the point is anymore when I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and the chances of winning are getting slimmer by the second." She buried her face against her knees, as if he could hide from the words she had spoken.

"And where would we be now if you'd just given up back on Eden Prime? Or Virmire? If we'd stayed on the Citadel when they grounded the Normandy instead of making that insane run to Ilos? Who would have stopped Sovereign then? If Cerberus hadn't put you back together, who would have stopped the Collectors? I'll tell you who Shepard." Garrus' face set, the seriousness in his speech also present in his eyes. "No one. Only you could have done it."

Shepard looked up to meet his gaze. "I'm not sure I really believe that."

"Mm… okay, well… maybe someone else could have done it," he admitted quietly, mandibles flaring. "But definitely not with as few losses on our side as you managed, Shepard. This is war, as you said. No one is safe, and without you as the vanguard there would have been a hell of a lot more blood spilt, I'm sure of it."

"I guess I'll just have to take your word on that one, Garrus." She tightened her grip on her knees. I wish I really could be the hero everyone seems to think I am.

Garrus' voice curtly cut into her train of thought. "You're not alone in your loss either; no one has come out of all this unscarred. Sacrifices have to be made sometimes, and you can't save everyone, no matter how hard you try." His brow furrowed again as he looked down at his commander huddled against the wall. She felt so small under his gaze. "It's the nature of war, Shepard. That's the first and truest thing the turian military taught me."

"I know… it's just not easy," she mumbled.

"And do you think it's easy for any of the rest of us?" Garrus' voice suddenly became a low growl and his talons seized the table behind him with an idle fierceness. "Liara lost her mother because of this mess. Tali lost her father. Samara had to kill her own daughter. I still haven't heard from my father and Sol; I don't even know if they made it off Palaven… I want to go look for them, get them off that wretched planet… mmh… but I can't, Shepard." He sighed in resignation, voice backing down to its normal tone. "I need to be here, at your side, fighting the battle that needs to be fought. We've all chosen to be here, because you need us here. And the war needs you here."

Shepard stayed silent, unable to think of a response to her friend's speech. He's right; I'm not the only one who has lost here. I'm just the only one wallowing in it.

Garrus shifted off the table and strode over to stand in front of her once more. "I know some really bad stuff has happened… but we need your head in the game. I… ah… I know it's difficult, but there will be plenty of time to mourn the lost after we've won this thing." He offered her his hand with a small smile. "C'mon. Let's get you up off this floor; go and see what Liara and Tali needed you for. Mmh… it sounded important."

Shepard returned his smile meekly, grasping his hand gladly. What did I ever do to deserve such friends as these despite my failures? She didn't know, but whatever luck fate had bestowed upon her, she would take all she could get. She stumbled a bit as she rose to her feet, head suddenly swimming from the change of position. A new wave of pain from the migraine gripping her skull like a vice caused her to outwardly wince; through all the talking she'd all but forgotten the atrocious hangover she'd brought on herself. "Maybe… but definitely after I make a stop to see Chakwas in the med-bay," she grumbled, clutching her forehead. "My head is going nowhere as it is right now, except maybe out the airlock."

Garrus chuckled and wrapped an arm around her, helping her stumble toward the door at the far end of the room. "You've been spending too much time with that damn prothean, Shepard."