Chapter three

Unsure of how long it had been since he'd shut himself inside his bedroom Castiel sat up from where he'd curled in around himself on his bed. A final shiver wrecked through his vessel. The pain though had at last subsided. The fire too had died, making place for a cold sensation he didn't care much for. On automatic he wrapped his wings tighter against his back and further around himself to warm his flesh. But even as their comfort seeped into him, he stared in pain at the stray, long feather which fell into his lap. How many more was he to lose?

More on habit than anything he bent down to reach under his bed. In a stiff move he retrieved the dull grey archive box. Every muscle in his vessel ached, and so he struggled with the invisibly warded clasps which held it shut to anyone but him. At last they gave way. Focussed in his private moment Castiel planted the box in his lap and he opened the lid to reveal the size of his loss. Feathers in all sizes filled it up to halfway. Castiel had not wanted for anyone but him to touch them. They too used to hold power within… but, as he knew now, not anymore. Picking up his most recent loss he set out to add it onto the pile…

"Is it one of yours too?"

Though Sam had spoken in but a soft voice of concern Castiel startled at the sound. Half of him curled his tail and arched his back, but at the sight of upset eyes filled with pain on his behalf he was quick to rein in the unwanted, feline instinct. "It is", he admitted. "They all are."

"I see." Sam perched down on his left side, almost too close for comfort and yet far from it, because Castiel welcomed the body heat and musky scent of him regardless of his emotions. Again the hunter moved so quiet that he only noticed he had when the warm support of his long fingers seeped into the ones of his vessel. Sam had rested his palm over the hand which he had used to steady the box on his lap. "How can I?"

"Because I've shown you one. Sam… I…"

"I think we knew, but to see it with my own eyes is something else." He picked up the feather Castiel had dropped when he'd gotten startled by his presence. With an almost reverent move he lowered it onto its brethren. "I am sorry, Cas. I know what it's like to be damaged. To feel like you're held together, but only just."

"Sam…" Castiel wanted to deny it, convince Sam of his worth and of how much brighter than most humans his soul lit up the world. That even though his blood was tainted by the darkness of demons no one fought harder to be his best self. Sam had saved the world… would again in a heartbeat too. None were stronger, more selfless or more beautiful to Castiel than Sam. Not even Dean, who came close enough to earn his utmost respect, which reached far beyond the once ordered assignment. Both had shown him the best of humanity, but Sam had also taught him of intimacy, of hugs and emotions. Closing his mouth, he realised that whatever he would say it would never convince the soul who sometimes was his own worst enemy.

As if Sam had known what had been on his mind, he shook his head. "Don't…"

With a swift flick of his wrist Castiel closed the lid on his box. Setting it aside on the bedside table he looked at Sam. Tears brimmed on the edge of green eyes filled with pain and worry, not for their owner but for him. In the absence of words, for both of them, Castiel offered him a small smile. "Stay?" He knew now it had been a mistake to run out on Sam… because he felt warmer and safer in his presence, always had done somehow, even when they had rushed towards trouble to rescue innocents. With Sam near his suffering seemed worth it, and more.

"Sure." Sam nodded, head bowed and hair falling into his face to hide a blush. All the same he tossed aside his boots and he smiled when Castiel too ditched his shoes. Reaching out he helped him get rid of his suit jacket and hang it out over the chair, which also held on to his trench coat. Green eyes squinted at perceived motion on his back, but Sam didn't speak of his thoughts on why he could almost see his wings, but not.

Castiel in turn knew that what Sam could not quite see yet needed his final permission. For that which it entailed, full trust and the bond of lovers, he wasn't quite ready, and he knew from how careful Sam moved around him that he wasn't either. This closeness was still too fresh…

In silence they laid down onto the bed together, on top of the covers and on their sides. Castiel let out a soft sigh of pleasure when Sam spooned his larger body around his vessel from behind. When his arm too wrapped around him, tight and yet comfortable, he curled his tail up next to it… happy when Sam took it for the invitation it was, to pet it.

"Cas… why did you choose me?" Sam let out a tremor of pain, one full of self-doubt and the ever-present lack of believe in that he was anything but a no-good mess of a human being. "The ones who did before you they're… dead. I bring only darkness to others. You shouldn't want me. What if I lose you too?"

"I've been around for so long, but that wasn't living. This life here with you is. Some things are but what they are. I didn't understand before how close love and pain truly are. That what I feel for you goes beyond logic. You keep me here, Sam. Not because of magic and not for reasons that would have made sense to the angel soldier I used to be."

"Are you sure that it isn't the spell? Your needs as a familiar talking?"

Castiel turned his head to face Sam. "Our friendship has never needed, nor will it ever need magic to be what it is. It means what we want it to, nothing more. Sam, I don't know about tomorrow any more than you do, but that chest full of feathers reminds me of how change can't be stopped. I admit that I fled because I was afraid. But now? I refuse to look back at my regrets and not move on from there. So, be here with me? That's all I am asking for tonight."

Sorrow turned to a look of fondness and understanding. "It's yours", Sam made his choice with a wry smile. "I would be a fool to deny you."

"You're never that."

- 0 - 0 - 0 -

For all his thousands of years Castiel had never woken up to such a peaceful sensation of being. Some time in the night he had rolled onto his other side. It meant that the first thing he opened his eyes to was the sight of Sam, lying close to him in a blissful state of unawareness. From the mess of hair to closed eyelids and slightly parted lips Castiel couldn't get enough of his observation of the hunter in rest. More so than his pleasing features it was the aura of his bright and for once utterly unguarded soul which left Castiel feeling awed.

Strange enough he felt lighter than he'd done in a long time. His wings seemed to hurt less, and his grace had somehow settled into a slumber of sorts inside of his vessel. No longer did it itch as if it wanted to scratch a way out of the confined space it had perceived ever since that blasted spell had hit him. The enforced magic inside of him too didn't prod for attention. Maybe it was a truce… or he had found his inner peace in sleep, or was that Sam?

Smiling to himself he listened to the soft, unintelligible mumbles from Sam. "Morning", at last he could make one out into a word. "Cas…" Sam opened his eyes, which shot wide in shock almost at once. "Your cat ears. They're gone."

"What?" Castiel reached out to feel for himself. Not meeting with any sign of the pointed, furred hearing appendages he'd become used to without knowing, or wanting to, he stared back at Sam. Somehow he felt a sense of loss, but at the same time he smiled his relief over how the potion had an effect after all. Maybe he could be himself again? "That's good."

"Yeah." Sam sounded absent-minded as he reached out to feel for the missing ears too.

At his touch, now familiar and pleasant to Castiel, he closed his eyes. Dropping his hand away from his head he blinked when at that same time he could feel the not so new sensation return. With nothing more than a thought his cat ears poked up to reduce him back to a purring mess of feline behaviour. "Oh… that's unfair, but don't stop."

"Oops." His gasp of pleasure met with a grin. Sam didn't stop teasing his ears though, and for that he was more than glad. "Do you think, that these forces beyond our control, magic and fate or whatever, are trying to tell us something?"

Unable to not fall into the depth of his gaze Castiel mumbled, "I do." Nothing in him could fight it anymore. What little he had to offer to the man he loved he couldn't keep it contained. Sam had become both his weakness and his strength. Moving to close the small distance between them he kissed Sam soft on the lips to express what he couldn't find the words for. "And I am done not listening."

"As am I." Sam breathed softly before he parted his lips to let Castiel inside while he answered the kiss in kind. Tender and teasing their tongues met. All thought ceased to a halt, reducing to one alone, "At last."

Eager to remain close Castiel reached out a tentative hand to sneak it in under flannel and the t-shirt Sam was wearing. Meeting with the warm skin of his abdomen he splayed out his fingers in his need for nothing more than contact. "Sam", he moaned before going in for another kiss of pure delight. All the words he'd been unable to speak he conveyed with his tongue and lips in the far more enjoyable way than most.

Fingers wrapped around his neck in an attempt to pull him even closer, not that there was much space left. Castiel whimpered in his pleasure of how Sam brushed his leg in between his. The almost possessive move of want and longing rendered him breathless. As if sensing his vessel's need to breathe Sam came up for air, only to tease the shell of his human ear with his tongue.

Whimpering at the shiver of pleasure it sent into him Castiel sneaked his hand further over half hidden skin until his fingers could dig in just above the swell of Sam's jeans covered ass. The last bit of air between them faded as he pulled their hips together. Desperate to have Sam close he kissed him again, hard, almost demanding and yet tender when he slipped his tongue inside for another taste. Every sense of him narrowed in on how Sam bit on his lower lip before he rolled on top of him, all but melting their bodies together.

Never had Castiel felt this whole. His vessel sung with pleasure… and his grace rejoiced with a spark of excitement, which seemed to grow stronger with every kiss Sam was giving him. The tenderness of the moment stretched until he purred with it. Maybe it wasn't so wrong to not be a full angel anymore? His more human tendencies had brought him here to where he at last was feeling happy again.

- 0 - 0 - 0 -

An abrupt, intrusive rush of cool air combined with a flash of light coming in from the hallway ripped into the moment. "Cas… have you seen Sam? There's a new case in Ohio and…" The half-shadowed presence of Dean froze in the doorway. Hand still on the handle of the opened door and his eyes widened in shock, one quickly brushed aside. In the next breath Dean unfroze to grin and roll his eyes at what he saw. "Never mind."

Mid-kiss Castiel parted from Sam, but not for more than just their lips, enough to be able to turn his head and look at Dean. Though he was sad for how his pleasure had come to an end he could also see that the hunter wasn't to blame. Maybe they should have locked the door… but then the morning had come as such an unexpected gift to them that he was glad for all he'd received from Sam so far. Each kiss he already cherished. Castiel was so happy in fact that he refused to be upset or even the slightest touch angered over how it had come to an end. Instead he saw the humour in how Dean stood staring at them, confused and yet amused too. Had he been aware of their attraction?

Recovering before Sam could find his breath or wits again Castiel shrugged. "The other day you did say we had to get a room, so we did."

Silence stretched on for longer than he had thought. Dean, not often lost for words, blinked at him, speechless. In his next breath he started to laugh… followed by Sam, who shook his head at him in fondness. Sobering up first Dean recovered enough to be his usual self. Mock stern he joked, "Now he listens. Cats, nothing but trouble."

Smiling to himself Castiel thought of hiding his cat ears and tail. A rush of satisfaction and relief washed over him when they indeed retreated into the magic he had not shaken, but which had calmed down into his returned inner balance. Though he wasn't restored as such he could feel how his angelic powers felt no longer threatened by the foreign force of magic and how they even reacted more like their usual selves. His feathers too felt less pained… and maybe it was a sign for good. More optimistic than he'd been in a long time he extended his smile to his vessel. "What of angels?" He sat up to move away from Sam and face Dean more like an equal.

In answer Dean blinked at the change in him. "Huh. So what? The potion failed, but worked?"

"In part at least. I am uncertain if I will be again what I was." Castiel offered the only truth he had. Pushing himself up he offered Sam a parting brush with his hand over his side. The moment was gone, but he wanted him to know that they'd create another… one with the door locked perhaps, if Sam wished for it too. The answering small smile and nod of promise though told him enough. They fast sent a shiver of anticipation into his being, but he pushed it down before it could show. To hide his all too human arousal from Dean he walked over to the chair to put on his suit jacket and coat. "When do we leave?"

"Leave?" At his impatient roll of his eyes Dean brushed a hand to his hair, unsure of how to voice his doubt at first. "Thing is, it's nothing big. A nest of vampires probably. Sammy and I can handle it."

"I am sure you can." Castiel shrugged to show that he had taken no offence in the offer of doubt and concern. "But feline tendencies or not, I am still me. These monsters won't wait for any hunter to be healed or for him to be himself again. Let me help."

Dean shared a look with Sam, who had sat up to straighten his clothes with a nod of agreement. "Are you sure?"

"I am", Castiel smiled at how he spoke at the same time Sam said, "Dean, we need him."

Holding up both his arms and hand to the air in mock surrender Dean shook his head. "Is this how's it going to be with you two?"

"Only when you are wrong", Sam grinned, to which Castiel agreed with a smile.

"Great." Dean complained, but even as he did, and he watched Sam get up from the bed, he winked to his younger brother to take off the sting.

Confused by their near private exchange Castiel looked between them, trying to understand the nuances in what they weren't saying. After a lifetime as brothers they sometimes had a language of their own, one no one else seemed to be in tune to. Only when Dean nodded at him too did he get the jest of their wordless conversation. Acceptance lay behind his gruff temper of mocking. The one thing that was important to Dean was for his brother to be happy, but speaking of emotions was not within his grasp… and so he voiced them in the Winchester way.

"Let me go grab my things. Meet me at the car five." As abrupt as Dean had entered his bedroom, he left it too.

Castiel stared at the still open door, lost and yet smiling at the familiarity. Normal had returned, or at least their version of it… and with one exception. From behind Sam reminded him of what they'd began last night, by wrapping his arms around him and holding him close. At once Castiel leaned into his larger body with a sigh of pleasure. "Sam…"

Warm lips pressed a kiss against the sensitive skin behind his ear in a fleeting brush of sensations, which stirred up his longing. "Later, if you still want me", Sam promised.

"Always." Reaching out behind him he found Sam's side. In a firm gesture of affirmation, he dug his fingers into clothes and skin alike. Castiel knew that words would never be able to convince Sam of his worth. Only action could explain how devoted he felt, had done even when he'd been nothing but a tool of heaven told to fear Sam. Turning around he kissed Sam on the lips, deep and passionate to steal his breath. "I'd show you, but…"

"The case." Sam blinked at him, panting over the kiss.

Castiel picked up his angel blade with a wry smile. "Monsters have no regard for timing."

"No, they don't."

"Hey. What's keeping you?!" Dean's voice boomed out from the hallway.

Sam rolled his eyes, brushed past him with a grin. "Keep your shirt on!"

"Oh please. I am not the one who can't keep his hands off a certain angel."

"Ha! You're just missing the action…"

"Bitch."

"Jerk."

As the brothers strode off, side by side and nudging each other with both words and gestures Castiel followed them out to the car. Though for appearances he rolled his eyes, grumbling over their childish behaviour as he took the back seat, he embraced how they had kept him anchored to himself. How for days they'd worried and fought for him in their unique ways. Had they won this battle? He liked to think that Sam's blood within his potion had saved his grace, no… he believed it even, for it was an unlikely, but powerful and proud force.

Castiel felt like he had his life back. While his new normal held important changes within it did not turn out to be all that different as the one before. Stretching out his wings unseen he stared at them, blinking at the renewed glow to the remaining feathers… whole, but not. Healed and not a full angel. It felt strange, but also not. No, he could get used to this, and if he could then so could Sam and Dean. In fact, he had plenty to give the world still, not as a soldier but a hunter, the path he had chosen to follow and would see through to the end.

THE END