A/N: I don't own Hogan's Heroes and I don't get paid for this; it is truly a labor of love.
Missing scenes from "Klink vs. the Gonculator". A few lines of dialogue from the episode are included.
Schultz hauled himself out of his bunk the next morning with the nightmare still weighing on his mind. He did his morning ablutions and donned his uniform, muttered a gruff morning greeting to the men in his barracks, and led the way out into the compound, which was even more dull and colorless than usual in the early morning half-light.
Each of the guards went to his assigned barracks and the rousing of the prisoners for Appell began. Schultz strode over to Barracks 2 and slammed open the door, bellowing: "Raus! Raus! Raus!"
A sleepy chorus of grunts and groans was the only response, and Schultz frowned, even though he'd heard the same thing hundreds of times before. Somehow the familiarity of the scene exacerbated his discontent, and his voice rose with real anger: "Roll call! Roll call!"
Failing to get the desired result, he stomped his foot to emphasize his point. "Raus, verdammt!"
Carter pulled his blanket down and stared at Schultz in a bleary fashion. "If that means what I think it means, well, that's just plain rude!"
Schultz swelled with righteous indignation. "I said RAUS!"
"Leave off, Schultzie!" Newkirk swung his legs over the edge of his bunk and hopped down. "What's got your knickers in a twist this morning, eh?"
LeBeau sat up and yawned. "He is suffering from a strudel deficiency, sans doute."
This was quite true, but Schultz wasn't about to admit it. "Who needs your strudel, Cockroach? Nobody, that's who! Now get up, roll call in five minutes!"
All through roll call Schultz fumed, still dwelling on his grievances. After a bit of reflection, though, he realized that acting grumpy and uncooperative would not cause Hogan and his crew to stop their activities. They would simply work around him, taking it for granted that he would see nothing, know nothing!
No, he must outwit them by pretending to cooperate. Then he could gather the information that would stop their monkey business once and for all.
For the next week, Schultz took pains to be his normal jovial self, lulling his charges into a false sense of security. (Or so he thought.) He was unwilling to admit even to himself that he had missed the friendly banter between himself and the prisoners, and he firmly put that notion out of his mind, reminding himself just why he was being (temporarily) nice to Hogan and his men.
And on the following Tuesday, his patience was rewarded.
He carried out his normal barracks inspection in Barracks 1, 3 and 4, and encountered only the usual grumbling from the inhabitants as he made his way through the various items of clothing hanging from the bunks. But then he entered Barracks 2 late in the afternoon, and caught Hogan and his hooligans red-handed in a most questionable situation.
Hogan had his back to the barracks door, and he did not seem to be in a good mood. "All right, look, no excuses. How much longer is it going to take to finish this gonculator?"
Schultz paused before venturing further into the room. Newkirk, LeBeau, Kinchloe and Carter were gathered around the common room table, whereon rested a suspicious-looking oblong wooden box. Newkirk and Kinchloe immediately rushed into speech, offering excuses to their commander: there was a lack of parts for the object, something about merkeljammers, wiring relays, electronic interference and rheostats.
Schultz had no idea what any of those things were, but he happened to possess a very retentive memory. He filed away everything Hogan and his men were saying, all the while maintaining an innocently stupid expression on his face.
Hogan caught sight of Schultz at this point, and tried to pretend that there was nothing unusual going on, but of course Schultz was not fooled. Hogan and his men were desperately trying to conceal the box from his view!
The Colonel had the temerity to insist that the box was merely a rabbit trap, and he and his men were oh-so-casual about it: yes, yes, it was just a rabbit trap.
A rabbit trap! Did they think he was some kind of Dummkopf? This had to be something ver-r-ry important, or Colonel Hogan would have used his customary blackmailing maneuver of saying, "Schultz, do you really want to know what's going on?"
Schultz noted grimly that Hogan and his men hadn't tried to bribe him, either. And so he pretended to be oh-so-casual too. He yawned, stretched, and excused himself from the barracks on the grounds that he needed a little nap.
The portly Sergeant made it to the Kommandantur in eleven seconds flat. The unusual exertion made him quite out of breath of course, but it was worth it. The Kommandant would have to acknowledge Schultz's fine detective work, Hogan's latest scheme would be revealed, and finally, finally there would be no more monkey business.
And he, Schultz, would be the hero! At last he had something substantial to report, and Colonel Hogan would never know just how he had come to grief.
But that dratted Kommandant was so busy with his endless paperwork that he was refusing to see anyone. Schultz was prepared to be patient, however. Under the amused and tolerant gaze of Fräulein Hilda, he settled himself into a chair in the outer office and took out a little notebook.
Schultz opened the notebook and carefully wrote down everything that Colonel Hogan and his men had so carelessly revealed to him. He looked over the damning words and nodded to himself.
"What have you got there, Sergeant Schultz?" Fräulein Hilda asked politely, but Schultz wasn't about to blab about his discovery, and possibly end up having to share the credit.
"Nothing!" he told her, hastily tucking the notebook inside a coat pocket. "I have noth-ing!"
She shrugged and returned to her filing, and Schultz decided to make good on his stated intention of taking a nap. He folded his hands over his ample midsection and closed his eyes.
Two hours later Schultz was finally allowed into the Kommandant's office, only to be summarily dismissed by Klink before he could get a word in edgewise. Grinding his teeth in frustration, he backed out of the office, almost colliding with that annoying Colonel Hogan.
Somehow slamming the office door didn't make him feel any better.
Schultz made his way to the Unteroffizierkaserne and took out his frustrations on a ham sandwich. With mustard. A man was entitled to take his comfort where he could find it, wasn't he? On that thought, he decided to have another sandwich. And a beer.
After attending to his inner Feldwebel, Schultz presented himself back at Klink's office. Hilda had gone home for the day, and as Schultz brushed by her desk he knocked over a huge stack of envelopes bearing the inscription "Attention: Colonel Johann Schmidt". He hastily piled them back on the desk and went to the Kommandant's office door and tapped on it briskly.
As Schultz entered the office he noticed that the Kommandant had miraculously rid himself of the mountain of paperwork that had been covering his desk, and was in a much more receptive mood. Schultz's hopes rose as he opened his mouth to speak...
Unfortunately, General Burkhalter called just as Schultz was about to unburden himself. Fortunately, the call was very brief, just to let Klink know that the General would be visiting the next day for an inspection, and as Klink replaced the receiver, he deigned to show interest in Schultz's news.
Schultz produced the notebook and, assuming a very professional manner, told the Kommandant all about the gonculator. He could tell that Klink was impressed, and even annoyed that Hogan had the nerve to build a gonculator right under his (Klink's) very nose!
Schultz felt vindicated for all the times the Kommandant had referred to him as a Dummkopf. At last, he knew something! He and Klink promptly went to Barracks 2 and ordered the prisoners out, telling them to clean up the motor pool area prior to Burkhalter's pending inspection.
Hogan and his men grumbled, but they had no option but to leave the barracks. And within a very few moments, Schultz and Klink uncovered the evil machine, which had been cleverly hidden under a footlocker. Schultz was all for destroying the thing, but the Kommandant forestalled him.
"I want General Burkhalter to see this first," he said, and Schultz felt even more vindicated. His discovery of Colonel Hogan's perfidy would get attention from the bigwig himself!
The next day, Schultz was gratified to find that General Burkhalter and Kommandant Klink wanted him to gather further information on the gonculator. The two officers planned to allow Hogan and his men to work on the device, and Schultz was to observe their activities and report to Klink.
He took up his post that evening right outside one of the windows of Barracks 2, with the receiver from a two-way radio pressed firmly to his ear. Schultz's eyes widened as he watched Hogan and his men gathered around the gonculator, and he leaned closer to the window, trying to listen in on their conversation.
They were attaching all sorts of odd things to the device, but apparently since the "Lutz diagram" was not available to them, they were unable to go any further; Colonel Hogan seemed quite downcast about that. Schultz obediently relayed this information to the Kommandant over the two-way radio, and he continued to stare through the barracks window, watching for developments.
At that moment the window flew open and a bucket of water was flung out, completely saturating poor Schultz.
He wiped off his face with his sleeve and told himself that taking on such a dangerous assignment was bound to have caused him discomfort at some point. But it was worth it, if it meant that Hogan and his crew would never be able to get up to such monkey business again. Schultz closed his eyes for a moment, dreaming blissfully of a Luftstalag 13 where all the prisoners behaved themselves and treated their Sergeant of the Guard with proper respect.
That day is almost here, he thought, and smiled.
The next day a Wehrmacht major by the name of Lutz arrived in camp, accompanied by a black-clad individual who was obviously Gestapo. Schultz was a little disturbed by this; did he really want anyone to be investigated by the Gestapo, even the nefarious Colonel Hogan? But he sternly told himself that it was Hogan's own fault, after all.
After a short time Schultz was summoned to the Kommandant's office, and he was informed that now the electronics expert Major Lutz had arrived, the gonculator was to be revealed. What was more, Schultz would be doing the revealing!
Schultz cast a quick glance at the man in black, but luckily at this point Hilda offered the Gestapo man some tea, and he consented to remain at the Kommandantur during Major Lutz's investigation. Schultz heaved an inward sigh of relief; better by far that this Major Lutz be the one to discover the true nature of the gonculator, rather than his Gestapo shadow.
He kept that in mind as he proudly led the procession of Colonel Klink, General Burkhalter and Major Lutz to Barracks 2. Inside the barracks Klink told Colonel Hogan and his men to step aside, and ordered Schultz to uncover the gonculator.
Schultz waddled over to the footlocker and tilted it upwards, revealing the device. Grunting slightly, he bent to pick up the gonculator and carried it to the table in the middle of the room.
Schultz could tell that Hogan was obviously taken aback at the discovery, but the Colonel made an effort to downplay his illegal activities. "That's not a gonculator!" he lied, tapping his fingers nervously on the device. "It's a toy I made for my little niece Lila!"
Schultz scoffed at that inwardly, and it was apparent that Klink and Burkhalter were not deceived either. Major Lutz's attention, however, was fixed on the gonculator, and a slight smile was on his face as he walked around the table, examining the device.
Then he loosened the power cord from the gonculator and looked up, straight at Schultz. "Quite interesting! Would someone please plug this in...Sergeant?"
Schultz almost burst with pride to be selected by the electronics expert to help with his investigation. He took the power cord and plugged it into an outlet across the room.
He was never quite sure afterwards just what happened next. All he knew was that suddenly the overhead light went out, and there was noise, smoke, sparks, and finally a burst of flame.
Above all the commotion, he heard the Kommandant's voice:
"Schu-u-u-ultz! PULL OUT THE PLUG!"
Schultz quickly complied, but he could only watch dumbfounded, with the forgotten (and now detached) cord of the gonculator dangling from his hand. The smoke and the noise had subsided, and all that was left of the gonculator itself was a scorched and smoking mass of wires and splintered wood.
As for Major Lutz—where was Major Lutz? Klink asked that very question as he and General Burkhalter warily approached the scene of the disaster (after they had been cowering for the last few minutes near the door in true officer fashion).
The only response was the sorrowful gaze that Hogan and his men directed toward a charred and crumpled pile of clothing (complete with smoldering boots) at their feet.
The Kommandant gingerly picked up a corner of a still-smoking overcoat, and looked at it sorrowfully as well. He asked for a moment of silence for the brave Major Lutz, and Schultz found himself bowing his head along with everyone else in the room.
Once this observance was completed, General Burkhalter took himself off to deal with Lutz's Gestapo shadow, and Colonel Klink approached Colonel Hogan in a menacing manner.
"Hogan, I'm going to throw the book at you!"
Hogan frowned. "What did I do?"
The big shot was really annoyed, and Schultz gleefully watched as Klink stormed, "You know what—you built an illegal gonculator!"
Schultz rejoiced in his heart. Finally the Kommandant was going to put a stop to Hogan's activities!
But the next moment, Schultz watched in dismay as Colonel Hogan talked his way out of a jam once more, ending up promising to never build another gonculator.
It would appear that Schultz's hopes of exposing Colonel Hogan had gone up in smoke...literally.
Schultz wasn't ready to give up yet, though, and that evening he asked to speak with the Kommandant again. How could the Kommandant possibly overlook Hogan's egregious behavior? Or accept that Major Lutz had somehow vanished into thin air as a result of the gonculator bursting into flame?
Klink had been in the Great War, just as Schultz had. He had to know what death looked like, and smelled like! There had certainly been a smell of smoke and sulfur in the air today, but not the stench of death...that was a smell no one could ever forget. Not to mention that there had been no sign of human remains.
No one died in that barracks, least of all Major Lutz!
Surely the Kommandant must realize that Major Lutz's disappearing act was just that—an act. One which had surely been contrived by Colonel Hogan, for reasons of his own. And that gonculator: whatever its purpose, it was a dangerous machine, one which Hogan and his men had no business building.
But Schultz found a strangely unresponsive Kommandant when he tried to bring up the subject.
Klink leaned back in his desk chair and waved a dismissive hand. "Whatever Hogan and his men were working on, it is gone now, along with Major Lutz. And if you think I'm going to try to explain that very odd occurrence—in quadruplicate—to Berlin, you are sadly mistaken! The Gestapo accepts that Major Lutz was killed when the gonculator exploded, and I am not going to argue with them."
"But-but-but...Herr Kommandant, the prisoners were working on a dangerous machine! In the barracks! And if the explosion of the gonculator killed Major Lutz, should not the prisoners be held responsible?"
Klink considered this for a moment. Then he adjusted his monocle and peered at Schultz. "I don't think you want to pursue that train of thought, Sergeant Schultz. After all, you were the one who plugged it in!"
Schultz stared at him, his mouth hanging open. And the only thought that came to mind was this:
Colonel Hogan wins again.
