A/N: I present to you, Chapter 3 :) Please, enjoy.
Chapter 3: A stormy night, torn hearts
xxx Souichi xxx
For the first time in ten months, Souichi had picked up a cigarette.
And not just one but half a pack. Stepping into the convenience store, pointing at his old brand of menthols, taking out the cash to pay for it—the guilt that he had broken the vow that he had made for Emi's sake had plagued him even as he took the first swig.
The nicotine fix had helped, however. The calming, repetitive act of smoking, the gradual but definite relaxation of his nerves—without it, Souichi might never have made it home.
Damnit. Seeing Yuki Manami, hearing her talk about marriage—it had opened up a vortex of doubt and uncertainties that Souichi had not anticipated. Having not felt such conflicting emotions when he had pro—presented the adoption papers to Morinaga, or even when had even given birth and relocated to Tokyo, the strong surge of negativity had flummoxed him.
It was only at the threshold of their apartment that he had been able to put a name to the suffocating pain in his chest. It was fear. With the keycard in his hand, Souichi's mind had gone blank for a terrifying moment. In that house, just behind the door, were his fiancé and daughter.
The enormity of it was so tremendously incredible that Souichi had stumbled away from the door. Fiancé. Daughter. Tokyo. It was only then that he had made a huge self- discovery.
He, Tatsumi Souichi, had changed, fundamentally. Every perception of himself—as a man, as an adult—had shifted and morphed until he could hardly recognize himself now. Bearing a child, giving birth to her and moving clear across Japan to live with his f-fiancé—Souichi had been so caught up with the motions of life that he had not even realized how deeply his beliefs and the way he now viewed the world had been altered.
Overwhelmed, and incredibly shaken, Souichi had suddenly entertained a dark thought. If—if he had not been able to conceive, if Emi had never been born then, would he and Morinaga be living together as they were doing now, like a normal, heterosexual couple preparing for marriage? Would Souichi have proposed to his kouhai if there had been no need to look after a child?
Without a baby, would Souichi have so willingly yielded to the notion of being together with another man, and in the w-wife position to boot?
He had been unable to answer those questions. Frozen by the entrance, Souichi had only found the courage to enter the house by consoling himself that nothing had really changed—their household of two had merely increased to three. That was all it was!
The instant that he had stepped into the apartment, however, Morinaga had spun out of the kitchen like a tornado and embraced him, blessedly unaware of the war waging in Souichi's mind.
"I'm always very happy when you come home! I feel like—well, like we are already married, even though we have not signed these papers yet!"
With those words, Morinaga had torn down the wall of pretense that Souichi had just built up. Bound in those arms, Souichi had only felt frustration and agitation. Morinaga's unrestrained show of affection, his natural assumption as Souichi's partner—it was as though the man was mocking him, being so confident when Souichi could not even figure out how they had even gotten here in the first place!He had exploded, then.
And now, here they were, stuck in a quandary as Souichi walked across the bedroom without exchanging a word with the other man. Souichi could feel Morinaga's eyes on him, following his every action as he bent down and took out his notes from the backpack. He frowned, remembering that he had last left it in the living room. Had Morinaga…?
"I-I'm just going to see that Emi's tucked in for the night."
That bastard. Had Morinaga not been waiting for him? Why was it that he was leaving when Souichi was here now?! Besides, the man's excuse to leave the room was pathetic! Morinaga would surely know that Souichi had already put Emi to bed properly, seeing as it was his routine every night! What the hell— "Oi, Morinaga!"
To his disbelief, the younger man did not turn back. Instead, with a quick click, his kouhai exited the room, leaving Souichi in bed, utterly pissed. That idiot baka! He had some nerve, turning his back on Souichi when he had expressly called him back!
The long- haired man glared at the bedroom door, as though it had been the one who had defied him. Yes, so he had been the one to start the fight but that did not give Morinaga the right to ignore him! He was Tatsumi Souichi, for Kami's sake, and his sempai to boot!
Bristling in anger, and totally ignoring the twinge in his chest, Souichi flopped back against the pillows. Fine! If that man wanted to do it this way, then he would let him! He shall see who would crumble first! "Idiot…!"
Souichi only noticed that he had nodded off when he woke up with a jerk, his stomach growling loudly. Woozily, he glanced automatically to the other side of the bed, wanting to make sure that he had not awoken Morinaga.
Sleep fled as he registered the smooth and untouched sheets. Morinaga's side of the bed was cold. Souichi sat up swiftly, fingers clenching against the quilts. That man— Morinaga had really not wanted to sleep with him!
Suddenly unable to stay still, Souichi flung the blanket aside and got off of the bed, fuming. Even though he had waited for him to come back—! It was the first time in a year that they had not shared a bed together…Mind in a whirl, Souichi noticed his backpack a second too late. With a crash, he stumbled over it and fell against the floorboards. "Damnit!"
What the hell…Rubbing his bruised shin, Souichi did not get up from the floor. In the darkened bedroom, all he could hear was silence. The quiet snores from Morinaga were conspicuously absent. "What the hell—Morinaga!"
For all his exclamations, however, the younger man did not appear. Souichi cursed again, suddenly feeling defeated. He had only said the truth to him; why in the world did Morinaga have to take it so badly to heart?! Leaning back against the bed, he recalled the fight from earlier that night.
"We are not married yet, for goodness sake! Giving me a welcome- back hug, cooking my favourite dishes—don't go overboard on them, Morinaga!"
"Don't assume that things are just going to go a certain way just because—just because we had a child together!
All of those words had been true! For starters, they had indeed not signed the adoption papers! Also, he had been stating the facts about people not getting married, even after they had children! The statistics were there; he had not made them up!
"Shit…" Souichi closed his eyes as Morinaga's crestfallen face flashed in front of him again. He had merely narrated the facts; he had not been looking for excuses, right? Yet, Morinaga had sensed his wavering instinctively; for all his assurance and confidence, the man had not been able to overlook Souichi's hesitation.
Flinging open the door, Souichi stalked out of their bedroom and headed straight to the guest room. If Morinaga had not returned to their room to sleep then the man would be in there. Within a few seconds, he had entered the room. Souichi marched directly to the single bed, expecting to see his kouhai's lanky figure in it.
To his utter surprise, there was nobody there. The bed was still made neatly; untouched as the day they had furnished it. Shit. Without more thought, Souichi exited the room and flew down the stairs. That bastard Morinaga! Wait till he got his hands on him—! As he took the last step, Souichi flipped on the ceiling lights, flooding the living area with bright light. "Morinaga—"
The lights revealed their three- seat sofa in its butter leather glory, but no dark- haired, green- eyed man. Souichi spun around in the spacious area, as though expecting his kouhai to pop out from somewhere else. However, the first storey was entirely silent, save for the ticking of the clock that chimed the time as two in the morning.
Souichi shivered, suddenly noticing the drop in the temperature. Spring nights in Tokyo were colder than in Nagoya. Wait, Morinaga had only been wearing a thin sweater just now—he was going to freeze to death in this weather! A sudden thought occurred to him as he stood in the empty living room. Surely the baka could not have—!
Souichi went directly to the shoe cabinet by the genkan, suspicions and worry causing him to rock the cupboard as he wrung the door open. If the man had disappeared on him again—the relief when he saw Morinaga's black leather boots made his knees sag. Souichi stood staring at the shoes for a moment, trying to calm his racing heart. No, that baka had promised him…
The last place that he had not checked was the nursery. Souichi trudged up the steps once more and turned in the direction of the baby room. But surely Morinaga had only used Emi as an excuse to get away from Souichi, right? He could not be in there, just steps away from him.
Souichi turned the door handle and stood at the threshold of the nursery. A familiar lullaby was playing as the baby mobile danced in the moonlight. Souichi stepped into the cozy room, noticing a figure hunched over the wooden bars of the crib where Emi slept. His heart gave a lurch as Morinaga's slumbering face was revealed by the dim moonshine.
The younger man was sound asleep, a hand dangling from the bars to touch their baby's leg. His soft breathing was in tandem with Emi's, as they lay in dreams together. Souichi felt his shoulders slump in relief. There he was, finally. So he had really come to see Emi, huh.
The baka… Souichi brushed a finger across Morinaga's face, expecting to feel the man's usual warmth. Instead, the younger man's face was chilled and Souichi noticed, upon closer look, that Morinaga was shivering even as he slept.
Quickly, Souichi checked on their baby, worried that she would be cold too. However, Emi seemed to be fine, bundled as she was in her warm pajamas, cap, and mittens. Souichi stroked her head softly before hurrying back to their bedroom. From the closet, he took out a woolen blanket and returned to the nursery. Methodically, he tucked it around Morinaga's body, trying to make it stay and not fall to the ground.
"Ughh…" Morinaga shifted in the chair as he woke up slowly, head still against the crib. Souichi stilled his movements immediately, not wanting the man to wake up and catch him. However, it was too late. The younger man sat up from his slumped position and glanced groggily at Souichi. "S-sempai? What are you doing…? Ehh, why are we in the nursery?"
"A-ask that of yourself, baka! Falling asleep like this when it's so cold out—don't expect me to look after you if you catch a cold!" Unable to look directly into Morinaga's searching eyes, Souichi stalked to the connecting door and yanked it open.
"Wait, Sempai—!" With a clatter, Morinaga stood up from the chair and followed after him, the blanket drawn around his shoulders. "Did you bring this for me?"
"Keep it down, Emi's sleeping!" Souichi whispered fiercely, smacking Morinaga's arm away. However, the younger man just kept advancing on him, forcing him closer and closer to their bed.
"Sempai…"
Morinaga's eyes were burning into his. Faced with his lover as he was, Souichi's face heated up as he felt the man's leg brush against his. Barely able to hear over the drumming of his heart, Souichi's back hit the side of the bed and he fell clumsily against it. "W-whoa! Baka, what the hell are you doing—!"
The taller man leaned over him, bringing their faces impossibly close. Morinaga's right cheek was red from where he had been leaning against the crib. "Bringing the blanket for me—does this mean that you are no longer angry, Sempai?"
"What angr—" Opening his mouth to argue, Souichi fell silent when Morinaga buried his head against Souichi's nape, his warm breath shaky against his skin. Distinctly, he felt a warm tear plop onto his shoulder. "M-morinaga—"
"It-it was just momentary anger, right, Sempai? The proposal—can I still believe that it's true? C-can I?"
The urgently whispered words fluttered against his ears. Wrapped in the woolen blanket, in his lover's misery, the guilt wracked Souichi fully. He could feel Morinaga's tears beginning to wet his neck. Any strength that he had left fled. Souichi lay beneath his lover, feeling their hearts beat together. "Morinaga…"
"I promise not to go o-overboard again! Kissing and hugging you—if you don't like it, if you find it bothersome, I'll try to hold myself back! Just—just don't say that you regret proposing to me…" Sitting up suddenly, Morinaga pushed himself away from a surprised Souichi. The man sat down heavily by his side of the bed, leaving a gap between their bodies. "I—I have only ever wanted to love you, not trouble you…!"
The cold night air settled against Souichi's body, startling after the warmth of Morinaga. Every word of the man's whispered confession carved into his heart. Souichi turned to look at his kouhai. Morinaga was crying silently beside him, fists clenched so hard that Souichi could see the whites of his nails.
The back of his own eyes prickled. There were so many things he could tell Morinaga—all of his worries, all about the irrational fear that still bubbled in his stomach. How he could not seem to remember why he had proposed in the first place.
Or Souichi could simply give voice to the persistent thought that had sprung in his mind, the biggest snake in the writhing nest of doubt that was eating up his insides. He could be entirely honest and tell the man who had loved him for the better half of a decade: Hey, let's not get married, after all.
However, Souichi could not do it. If he told Morinaga all of those things, if he expressed even one iota about the dark mass of emotion in him, there was no doubt that he would make things worse. He would only bring even more sadness into Morinaga's eyes, which had always looked upon him with adoration…
And so, Souichi summoned his customary brusque, using it as a buffer against those overwhelming emotions. Sitting up as well, he roughened his voice and smacked his lover on the head. "Don't think so much about what I said earlier! And stop—stop crying, damnit!" His voice echoed around the bedroom.
Silence followed his outburst. Souichi lowered his hands, forcing himself to calm down. Morinaga was motionless, a statue covered by the gray blanket. Only his eyes held emotion—a wide- eyed, haunted expression that made Souichi turn away, his heart clenching sickeningly. For a fleeting moment, Isogai's voice billowed in his mind. You are merely escaping.
"…I can't not think about it, Sempai…" Finally, the silence broke. Morinaga's voice was a ragged whisper as the man bowed his head. The blanket slid down from his shaking shoulders. "Whenever I think of the possibility that you are r-regretting all of these, I—I—uhnn!" A sob escaped the younger man. "Hnn…!"
"Morinaga—" Sitting mere feet away from his lover, Souichi's limbs were frozen, unable to move as Morinaga sniffled hoarsely. He wanted, oh Kami, he wanted to soothe those tears away. Yet, there was also a strange unwillingness to be close to the man, an inexplicable urge to increase the space between them. "I—" Souichi paused. What did he want to say? What could he say—words of reassurance that he could not bring himself to believe at this moment? His mind drew a complete blank.
The silence wound on and on, a gulf widening between the two men on the king- sized bed. Utterly, completely helpless, Souichi could only remain still as Morinaga's tears eventually slowed and stopped.
The man rubbed roughly at his face, removing the tearstains with his fists. It was some moments later that Morinaga looked up, smiling valiantly if unconvincingly. "I know that you can't say things that you don't mean, Sempai. It's okay; I'll wait, I'll be patient. When you are—when you have fully accepted the idea, then we'll talk about the propos—the future, yes? I won't ask you about it again, so don't worry anymore, all right?
"Anyway, it's already so late and I know you have a long day ahead. Sorry for making you go look for me just now, Sempai. I'll switch off the lights; you can go ahead and sleep."
Morinaga had spoken very quickly and as soon as he had finished, he got out of bed, heading for the light switch. The room sank into sudden darkness. Souichi could hear Morinaga's shuffling footsteps and then the rustle of sheets as the man settled beneath the sheets.
"Goodnight, Sempai. Have a good sleep, ne..."
"…" Even though the man lay not three arms' length away from him, Souichi could barely make out the figure of his lover. Slowly, he fell back against the pillows as well, staring at his lover whose back was turned to him. The bed had never seemed so large and cold.
He should be glad. Morinaga had come back to their room to sleep and even though they had had a fight, they had resolved that, right? The man himself had said that he would not push the issue of marriage until he was ready! Look, the baka had even fallen asleep, just like a fluff- headed idiot!
As he took off his glasses and pulled the blanket up to his chin, Souichi lay in the silence, waiting for Morinaga's steady snores to appear. He would sleep when they did. Eyes wide open in the dark, Souichi held his breath, waiting, waiting—
They never came.
To be continued.
