Chapter 3: A Mite Tense
A/N: This story certainly seems to be generating some interest! Thank you all for taking the time to read it. A few people have left reviews to the effect that they disagree with the whole premise of this story. I can appreciate your strong loyalty to canon pairings, particularly Mal/Inara, but I'd be grateful if you could refrain from leaving more reviews telling me how you would write the story differently. Fanfiction is a wonderful vehicle for exploring possibilities, both within and outside canon. I would never try to dictate to someone else the boundaries to which they should confine their creativity, and all I ask is the same courtesy in return. From this point on, if you wish to discuss objections to my overall approach, I'm more than happy to exchange PMs about that.
To those of you who have shown support and encouragement for the Nandi-verse, many thanks. You brighten my days! Happy reading : )
"Grub's up!" announced Jayne. He slapped two slices of protein loaf onto his plate and sent the platter clockwise around the dining table. Book judiciously portioned out one serving for himself and one for River. Zoe dished out slabs of the pale brown gelatinous mass for herself and Wash and passed the platter dutifully on to Nandi.
Zoe was getting used to Mal picking up strays, but that didn't mean she wouldn't be keeping a close eye on their new passenger. They'd had too many surprises in the past, and if Saffron had taught her anything, it was that companion training also lent itself to the arts of deception and manipulation.
"Boadicea is not happy," muttered River from Zoe's right. She sniffed her dinner cautiously, while the Shepherd politely pretended not to notice.
"You'll like Serenity, Nandi, she's a real nice ship," Kaylee was saying as she passed the platter to Inara. "If you want, I could take you on a tour after dinner," she offered.
Inara put a small piece of protein on her plate for appearance's sake, not that she could bear the thought of eating anything right now. Despite the gruesome memories of Rance's final minutes churning her stomach, she passed the loaf to Mal with flawless outer grace.
"Thank you Kaylee, that'd be lovely," Nandi answered.
Inara realized she was gripping her chopsticks so hard her knuckles had turned white. She took a deep breath and forced her fingers to relax.
Nandi lost her home today, you can hardly begrudge Mal for helping her out, she chided herself. It's best that she's here, safe and among friends. She took another deep breath, modulating carefully so it didn't sound too much like a sigh. Pull yourself together. So Mal went to Nandi's bed. You of all people should understand a man has needs, and you've made it perfectly clear that you're not available to help him with them.
As cutlery began to clink against plates, Zoe started on her protein loaf. Pasty and bland, as usual. Well, maybe slightly worse than usual, but that was to be expected whenever it was Jayne's turn to cook.
"Sweetie?" Wash was holding a bowl of something olive-green and unidentifiable. "Canned peas cooked beyond recognition?" he offered.
"Thank you, dear," she replied.
He plopped a spoonful of the lumpy jaundiced mush onto her plate and then cautiously poked at his own portion. "I'm not sure whether to eat it or have the Shepherd administer last rites," he said, to no one in particular.
The volume level around the table was a little lower than usual. Something's off, Zoe thought. Simon wasn't there – with Petaline's labour and all the battle wounds he'd tended, he'd been awake for over thirty hours and was catching up on some sleep – but it's not like he was a big talker anyway.
"Mal? Primordial ooze?" Wash asked, offering him the bowl of peas.
Mal barely looked up before grunting no and returning his focus to his plate. He'd hardly said a word since he sat down. Zoe cast a surreptitious glance around the rest of the table. Aside from Inara, who was poking absently at her meal, everyone else seemed normal enough.
"Isosceles ... equilateral ... scalene ..." River wasn't actually eating her dinner, just slicing her protein into shapes. Yep, normal. Zoe narrowed her surveillance to the captain and the Companion as the meal continued.
Mal forked a piece of protein into his mouth and chewed without tasting. Maybe he shouldn't have been so quick to offer Nandi a ride. At the time he'd just filed it under 'the right thing to do' and hadn't thought any more about it. So maybe there'd be unforeseen ... complications, but it was his ship and his call to make and if anyone had a problem, they'd just have to deal with it.
Besides, he suspected Inara had bigger things on her mind tonight. Although, with all that training in swordplay and archery and the like, maybe she was more mentally prepared than he thought to deal with the emotions brought up by one's first kill. Maybe it wasn't even her first; there was so much he still didn't know about her.
Across the table, Nandi swallowed a mouthful of protein loaf. The meal could have been better, but making rehydrated protein appetizing was nigh on impossible unless you knew a few tricks, and in her position, she was just grateful to have something to eat at all.
"And you found the showers alright?" Kaylee asked her. "Water pressure ain't the best right now, but I done what I can with the parts I got," the young woman said, with a pointed look at Mal. He didn't seem to notice.
"I was just glad to wash the smoke out of my hair," Nandi replied with a smile. "Thank you again, Shepherd, for taking up a collection of clothes for me."
"Not at all," replied the Shepherd, with a kind smile.
"And I suspect I should thank you too, Inara. Looks like most of 'em were yours," Nandi said.
Zoe noticed Mal look up.
"You're quite welcome," Inara answered. She smiled, but it was tight-lipped.
Well, you can hardly expect much more than that, Nandi thought. You slept with the man she's in love with, invaded her home and now you're wearing her clothes. The poor girl is hardly going to be over the moon about it. Nandi did her best to smile back, then quickly returned to her meal.
Zoe's eyes narrowed as she chewed a mouthful of so-called peas. Something was definitely up, and she reckoned now she had it pegged. She had suspected Mal spent the previous night in Nandi's room, but Inara's behaviour had just confirmed it. Zoe doubted the rest of the crew had any idea – she was the only one who always kept tabs on Mal's position.
Normally, she couldn't care less who slept with whom, or why, or if money changed hands. But when people were living in each other's pockets, whether it be a fox hole or a flying tin can, morale was vital to unit cohesion.
The captain was no Jayne Cobb, so if he had taken to bed with Nandi, it could only mean two things. The first was that the woman was playing him somehow, though Zoe didn't get that vibe (but then, the best ones made sure you never did). The second was a mite more concerning from Zoe's perspective – that he might have actual feelings for her.
Once again, Zoe wouldn't normally concern herself with the inclinations of other people's hearts, but it was her job to watch Mal's back. From what she'd observed thus far, Nandi was far too similar to Mal, with all that passionate idealism and eagerness to fight even when at a tactical disadvantage. While Zoe understood Nandi's desire to stay and defend her land, the fact remained that if Nandi had accepted Mal's offer yesterday to pack up and leave, she wouldn't be penniless right now and no one would have died.
River was murmuring softly as she sliced up the shapes of protein she'd made. "Bilateral ... radial ..."
Jayne threw down his chopsticks in annoyance. "Gorramit, girl, eat or don' eat, but shut up about it! Stuff ain't gonna taste any different round than it does square." River quickly popped a piece in her mouth, but the instant it touched her tongue she pulled a face. She opened up wide and let the morsel fall back onto the plate.
Zoe returned her attention to the captain. She didn't see how it was possible to be with a woman who was sleeping with other men, regardless of whether she was a Companion or a whore, so surely Mal was only setting himself up for more heartache.
Well, ain't like the captain ever does things the easy way.
She forced down another mouthful of protein. They'd be on Bridget within the fortnight if their next job went smooth, but that was still plenty of time for life onboard to get turbulent.
As Jayne began clearing dishes, Inara rose and excused herself from the table. Nandi did the same and caught up with the younger woman in the corridor outside the dining room.
"Inara." Nandi gently caught her by the arm. Inara stopped and pivoted to face Nandi with just enough momentum to dislodge the older woman's hand – the decorous equivalent of jerking her arm away.
I know you don't wanna talk meimei, but I'm not gonna let this go on without at least trying to smooth the waters.
"I never meant for things to turn out like this," Nandi began. "If I'd known, when I sent that wave–"
"It's fine, really," Inara said. Her expression was as mild as a china doll's, but Nandi didn't buy it for a second. After all, she'd been the one to help her perfect that poker face.
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have things I need to attend to," Inara said, turning and continuing down the corridor with an efficient step. Nandi sighed as she watched the other woman retreat. Maybe it would just take a few days. And if not, well, she'd be off this boat and out of Inara's hair soon enough anyway.
The honeyed glow of candle flames warmed Inara's shuttle. It was just enough light to make the swathes of shiny fabric glisten, but not so much as to chase the soft shadows from the corners where they nestled. Sweet, musky incense perfumed the air. The smoke rose lazily from the censer to join an almost imperceptible haze that blurred the edges of the room and gave the shuttle a dream-like quality.
Inara settled at her altar and set herself once more to the task at hand. She let her gaze rest upon the flame of the red taper candle in front of her and tried to empty her mind of all thoughts. Her preferred form of meditation was guided visualization, not candle-gazing, but she'd had limited success with that technique this evening. While the image of the perfectly sculpted garden appeared easily in her mind's eye from years of practice, she couldn't hold the picture for long before it dissolved into the spectre of Rance thrashing and spluttering through his final moments of life.
She took a deep breath and let her gaze become soft. Everything is emptiness, she chanted internally as she focused on trying to let go of her thoughts and feel the hollow lightness of being an empty vessel.
Beads of glistening red wax dripped down the side of the candle. Like drops of blood. With a quick puff of breath she extinguished the flame. She sat back and sighed.
This morning, in the Heart of Gold, she'd been able to just step aside, remove herself mentally from the task at hand. If only she had that same capacity now to distance herself from the day's events. She picked up a string of prayer beads and began to run them idly through her hands.
When she'd held that knife to Rance's throat and threatened to shed his blood, it hadn't even occurred to her that she might actually follow through. She'd just hoped she'd sounded convincing enough that he wouldn't want to risk it. But he'd had that laser trained on Nandi and she could tell he meant to use it. She couldn't let her jiejie die, not when there was something she could do about it. Nandi would've done the same, had their situations been reversed. Mal wouldn't have hesitated either. He'd have ended that hundan with his bare hands if that was all he'd had.
The physical act itself had been surprisingly easy. Too easy. Like a butter knife through velvet cake. Accepting the finality of what she'd done, that was the hard part. A sickened horror had leached into her core and taken firm hold of her vital organs. Cold dread had frozen the marrow of her bones. What right did she have to take a life, even the life of a man like Burgess? How did Mal and Zoe and Jayne do this every day? How does one live with oneself after committing such a momentous act?
Her thoughts were interrupted by a noise at the door. Mal wandered in, unannounced and uninvited. "Hope I'm not interrupting anything," he said, swatting at the incense smoke in front of his face.
"Actually, you are," she said pointedly, gesturing to the altar in front of her. He merely wandered deeper into the room.
"Can I help you with something?" she asked testily. He stopped when he reached her jewellery box, open on top of her dressing table. He began picking up rings and trying them on random fingers, although most of them didn't make it much further than the first knuckle.
"Put those back," she ordered. She had no patience for this tonight. She marched over and began to pull the rings off his fingers. He put his other hand over the top of hers to hold it still. When she looked up, intense blue eyes were searching her own dark ones.
"You did a mighty thing today," he said softly, "but I'd bet every last coin I got that it's rattled you some. How you farin'?"
I'm a mess. Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is him, covered in blood because of me. I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep again. I'm so sickened by it I can't imagine ever eating again. I don't even know who I am any more.
"I'm fine." How could she possibly talk to him about this? He'd killed so many he'd lost count. Even today he'd probably ended the lives of a half-dozen men.
She was acutely aware of the warmth of his hand on hers. Not so long ago it would have been intoxicating, but today it gave her more pain than pleasure. This dance of theirs only served to reinforce how impossible their situation was, and she could hardly look at him right now without being reminded of the fact that he'd slept with Nandi. Every time she thought of the two of them together, she felt her heart breaking anew.
"Now if you don't mind, I need to get back to my meditation," she said, trying to keep her voice level. His brow furrowed and he hesitated.
Please Mal, she beseeched him with her eyes. There's nothing you can say that will offer me any comfort. Now please just leave before you see me cry.
After a long moment he gave a resigned nod, then turned on his heel and left without looking back. Her cheeks were wet before he reached the door.
Chinese Translations
meimei – little sister
jiejie – big sister
hundan – bastard
A/N: This story is proceding much more slowly than I'd hoped as I've been quite unwell, but I'll post more as soon as I'm able. Thanks again for reading.
