ACT TWO
Scene I-- A wood near Athens
Enter, from opposite sides, KOHAKU and KAGURA.
Kagura: Aw... a cute little fairy!
Kohaku: What'd you call me? (Aside) I
can't believe I let Sango talk me into this. When I get my hands on her...
Kagura: Excuse me, Mister Spirit
Person? Wither winder... um, winter wonder... I mean, um, where ya goin'?
Kohaku: Pretty much everywhere. I am
totally dead on my wings-- I must have covered two sectors today. It's my
sister Sango's idea of a joke.
Kagura: You work for the Queen?
Goodie! I work for the King! Wouldn't it be fun to get those two back
together?!
Kohaku: I can see you haven't been at
this long. Rule Number One: Never get involved in domestic squabbles between
malignant supernatural entities. Especially not your boss. That Mirokuberon guy
is just scary.
Kagura: Oh, pooh. He's a big teddy
bear. He's just angry because the Queen won't give up that changeling child of
hers.
Kohaku: Hey, watch it! We're already
working off that Yoda thing. You want to get us in trouble with the Deep Space
Nine people, too?
Kagura: Not that kind of Changeling,
silly!
Kohaku: Well, that's what they claim.
Personally, I think this entire subplot could stand to be clarified a bit...
Kagura: Anyway, now they never meet in grove or green, by fountain clear or
spangled starlight sheen...
Kohaku: (Aside) If the next line is
about the ramparts' last gleaming, I'm out of here... (to Kagura) Say, aren't
you that weird pixie with a fan I keep hearing about? The one the Young Male
demographic goes crazy for? The ditz who can't tell her head from her fan, but
apparently controls the force of the wind? Are not you she?
Kagura: Yup. And I'm cute, too.
Kohaku: All I know is, you'd better
get out of here before...
Enter from one side, MIROKUBERON, with
his attending giggling pixies; from the other, SANGOTANIA, with hers.
Kohaku: Uh-oh. This could get ugly.
Miroku: Ill met by moonlight, proud Sango.
Sango: Aw, not you again! I told you,
I don't care if you can cook...
Miroku: It so happens that I'm not
here for you at all. I just wanted to give Kaede one more chance to see what
she's missing...
Sango: Right. You don't want the
Changeling?
Miroku: Oh, come now. Why would I want
some pathetic Changeling? (Eagerly) Why? Is he here?
Sango: Come on, Miroku, you'll have
to do better than that. I can see right through you.
Miroku: Maybe. But maybe I want you
to think I want the Changeling, when I really want something else.
Sango: Or maybe you want me to think
you want something else, thinking you want the Changeling, but you're really
after the first one all along.
Miroku: Huh?
Sango: I don't know; the whole
strategy thing gives me a headache. But you can't have the kid.
Miroku: One of these days, Sango...
one of these days... pow! We're going to end up together! You just watch me!
Sango: Ahhh, shaddup. You and what army?
(to her pixies) Fairies, away!
Kohaku: Am I the only one who prefers
the term 'spirit folk?'
Sango: Wimp.
Exit Sango, Kohaku, and her pixies.
Kagura: Oh, don't mind Sango, she's
like that. We'll just have to... Miroku? Miroku!
Miroku is having an argument with someone
offstage.
Miroku: No! Absolutely not! I
listened to your stage directions in the Hamlet play, and look where that got
me! (Listens) Well, death is one thing, but purposely causing my woman to
choose another male? It's insanity, I tell you! I'd never live it down with the
other guys! (clamps a hand over his mouth) I'm starting to sound like Kouga.
Kagura taps him on the shoulder.
Kagura: Um... Miroku? Hi.
Miroku: (to Off) Well, then you tell
the author that I'm about ready to lodge my staff down his...
Kagura: Hee-HAW!
Kagura launches herself in a flying kick
at Miroku, and bounces off his chest. Miroku reacts as though he's been stung
by a gnat.
Miroku: Thanks. I needed that.
Kagura: Don't mention it. Anything
else I can do?
Miroku: Yes, I suppose so. (to the
Author) You are so going to suffer for this. (to Kagura) Run and find me a love
potion. We'll make Sango fall for something really disgusting before this night
is done.
Kagura: But...er... what good will
that do?
Miroku: It ought to be good for a
laugh, if nothing else.
Kagura: All righty, then. I'll be
back in a jiffy. Time me!
Exits, at a run.
Miroku: (Aside, to the Author) For your sake, I hope this stunt gets me my
Changeling, because my backup plan involves your dead body sucked into my
Kazaana. (looks offstage) Oh, look. More mortals. My night just gets better and
better...
Becomes invisible. Enter KIKYO, NARAKU following her.
Kikyo: I love thee not, therefore
pursue me not!
Naraku: Aw, Kikyo... babe... you
don't mean that!
Kikyo: Don't make me get a
restraining order, you little creep. And where the heck is Inu-Yasha, anyway?
You said he'd be here!
Naraku: I dunno; maybe he missed his
bus. Meanwhile... you, me, under the stars...
Kikyo: Ewww! Look, Naraku, do I
entice you? Do I speak you fair? Am I even civil to you? Get a life!
Naraku: But I'm drawn to you, and my
heart is true as steel! As is yours. We're a perfect match, I tell ya.
Kikyo: (Aside) I knew it. He didn't
wear gloves when he spawned me. I just knew it. Now I feel all dirty...
Naraku: C'mon, Kikyo, you don't have
to like me - just let me tag along. I'll be like your spaniel, ya know? (Aside,
to the Author) Oh, for crying out loud, leave me a little dignity, will ya? (to
Kikyo) It's like this, babe: I was going for 'boyfriend,' but I'll settle for
'dog.' Are you happy now? (to Author) You're so going to pay for this!
Kikyo: A dog? You're nothing compared
to...
Naraku: Oh, for cryin' out loud! Don't start with Inu-Yasha again.
Kikyo: Still. You can't be a dog. No
chance.
Naraku: Hey, I could be a dog! Oh,
all right, one of those little rat dogs, maybe... or a nice terrier?
Kikyo: Nope, still thinking 'pervert'.
Now back off! I've got to find Inu-Yasha.
Naraku: (under his breath) Ice
princess...
Kikyo: What'd you say?
Naraku: I said, um, look, it is not
night when I see your face, nor doth this wood lack words of company, for you
in my respect are all the world.
Kikyo: Y'know, that's really kind of
sweet, even coming from an icky little nerd...
Naraku: See what you're missing out
on? You can run, but ya can't hide, babe.
Kikyo: If I weren't sure I could kick
your ass, this would be a major Fatal Attraction moment. Just get over it, huh?
Now, where's that Inu-Yasha...?
Exits.
Naraku: This is, like, way too much
trouble. I should just spawn another one. Kikyo 2.0! With enhanced sympathy and
radical new features, like... hmm... actually, I better work those out in my
head, or we'll never get under the PG-13 rating...(cackles maniacally)
Exits. Re-enter KAGURA. Miroku becomes
visible.
Miroku: It's about time. I thought I
was trapped in an episode of The Young and the Restless. Do you have the love
potion?
Kagura: Yuppers. See, it's the dew
from this pretty flower...
Miroku: All right. Here's what we'll
do: Give me half, and you take half. I'll worry about Sango. You seek through
this grove; a little nice looking demon is in love with a pretty young lady. At
least, he looks nice when he's in human form. Anoint her eyes, so that the next
thing she spies will be that moron. She'll fall in love with him, and I won't
have to listen to them bitch and moan anymore.
Kagura: Will this stuff work on a
priestess?
Miroku: It probably shouldn't, but
there's no use holding up the plot on a technicality.
Kagura: Gotcha. This is really nice
of you, Miroku; I knew you were a sweetie.
Miroku: (Deadpan) Romance is my life.
Kagura: Now, get your hand OFF my ASS! PERVERT! (she whacks him with her fan)
Miroku: Ow! Ow! OW!
They Exit.
Scene II-- Another part of the wood
Enter SANGO, KOHAKU, and her train of
pixies.
Sango: All right, guys, that's far
enough. Let's have some fairy song.
All Pixies: (Singing) Iiiit's a small
world aaaafter all...
Sango draws her Hiraikotsu.
Sango: What have I told you guys
about that?
First Pixie: Umm... pixie wings taste like chicken?
Sango: Bingo. Don't you know any,
like, early Stones? Something with a beat?
All pixies look at each other and shrug.
Sango: Well, then, just get out of
here while I take my nap. I've got such a headache...
Exit Kohaku and Pixies. Sango sleeps.
Enter MIROKU.
Miroku: Seems you get those a lot.
We'll fix that...
He squeezes the love potion on Sango's
eyelids.
Miroku: This may sound petty, but as
long as I have to do this, I hope you fall for something really repulsive.
(Listens offstage again) Oh, was it supposed to rhyme?
Miroku stands to his full height and
extends his hand –the one with the curse .
Miroku: Listen to me very carefully:
I... don't... rhyme. (Listens) Thank you.
Exits. Enter Kagome and Inu-Yasha. Inu-Yasha is human, with long black hair.
Looks somewhat like Naraku, but not.
Inu-Yasha: I'm telling you, this is a
good disguise! Who'd think Inu-Yasha would elope dressed like this?
Kagome: Just promise you'll consult
me about fashion choices from now on. Say... where are we, anyway?
Inu-Yasha: I think we take a right at
an elm tree... one of these elm trees...
Kagome: You are such a typical man! I
told you to stop for directions!
Inu-Yasha: Feh! I don't need
directions! I know exactly where we are... (looks around) Boy, is it dark...
what do you say we try this in the morning?
Kagome: Next time, I get to hold the
map, Marco Polo.
She lies down upon a bank.
Inu-Yasha: You know... as long as
we're out here... all alone... in the cold... and we never did get to have any
fun in any episode...
Kagome: Oh, get real. You're starting
to sound like Miroku. (Aside) He must be rubbing off on everyone else in
here...(shudders)
Goes to sleep.
Inu-Yasha: It was worth a shot.
Shrugs and goes to sleep. Enter KAGURA.
Kagura: Well, darn. Here I am, an
instrument of Buddha, and I can't even find two people in this little forest.
It's damn annoying...
Sees Kagome and Kagome.
Kagura: Wait a second. There's two
people there... ooh, and the man looks human! Hooray! But... Miroku said he'd
be a demon. That guy's pretty normal. (Shrugs it off) Well, I guess everybody
looks demonic to Miroku...The guy's getting paranoid...
She squeezes the love potion on Kagome's
eyes.
Kagura: Gee, this guy you don't like
is seriously cute. You must be a real witch. But they don't call me the
Mistress of Love for nothing... when you wake up, everything will be all
better. (Looks around, sighs) I just love a happy ending.
Exits. Enter KIKYO and NARAKU.
Naraku: All right... one date, and
I'll pay for the whole thing! C'mon, I'm begging you, here...
Kikyo: Naraku, the next words out of
your mouth are going to bring an a purifying arrow down on you. I don't think
either of us wants to be responsible for that.
Naraku: Fine. Just leave me here,
then... all alone... no friends, nobody to talk to...
Kikyo: Works for me. Don't wait up.
(Aside) Hell, he's so annyoing, I don't want to even THINK about having to
spend eternity in Hell with him...
Exits. He starts pacing back and forth.
Naraku: I don't get it. It must be
me. Nah. It can't be me... I mean... for obvious reasons. I must have done
something wrong. Maybe wrong incantation during the spell or something. I knew
I should've bought that Delila your Demon Duchess kit, but no, I had to wing
it...
He almost trips over Kagome, who wakes.
Naraku: Whoa! Check it out - Kagome?
What the heck are you doing asleep in the woods? You okay?
Kagome: Yes, I'm fine, I... (looks at
Naraku) Well, hi, sailor.
Naraku: (Aside) You ever get the
feeling you're missing something, and you don't know what?
Kagome: Naraku, has anybody ever told
you that demonically eerie look gives you kind of a demonic sex appeal?
Kikyo: Yes! Thank you! Finally, a
woman who can perceive the obvious! Too bad you're Inu-Yasha's lady...
Kagome sidles up very close to Naraku.
Kagome: Inu-Yasha who?
Naraku: (Aside) Warning! Warning!
Danger, Will Robinson! (to Kagome) Gee, Kagome, I don't know what to say... I
mean, on the one hand, you're a total babe. On the other hand, I try never to
get between an angry demon and his girlfriend. Bad things happen that way.
Kagome: Oh, he's just a half-demon.
Anyway, you're more... um, more...
Naraku: What?
Kagome: Give me a minute! I'm sure
I'll come up with some area where you're better than him!
Naraku: Oh, I get it. Very funny.
Let's all have a big laugh at the sorry little bad guy of the entire series.
Well, thanks but no thanks, sister. I'll have you know I'm plenty pathetic
without your help. (Aside) That didn't come out right. (to Kagome) See ya.
Exits.
Kagome: Sarcastic! You're much more
sarcastic! I like that in a man...
Exits, running after him. Inu-Yasha wakes.
Inu-Yasha: Kagome? Kagome? (Aside)
Why do I have this feeling something terrible has happened?
Exits, looking for Kagome.
*****
