ACT TWO

Scene I-- A wood near Athens



Enter, from opposite sides, KOHAKU and KAGURA.

Kagura: Aw... a cute little fairy!

Kohaku: What'd you call me? (Aside) I can't believe I let Sango talk me into this. When I get my hands on her...

Kagura: Excuse me, Mister Spirit Person? Wither winder... um, winter wonder... I mean, um, where ya goin'?

Kohaku: Pretty much everywhere. I am totally dead on my wings-- I must have covered two sectors today. It's my sister Sango's idea of a joke.

Kagura: You work for the Queen? Goodie! I work for the King! Wouldn't it be fun to get those two back together?!

Kohaku: I can see you haven't been at this long. Rule Number One: Never get involved in domestic squabbles between malignant supernatural entities. Especially not your boss. That Mirokuberon guy is just scary.

Kagura: Oh, pooh. He's a big teddy bear. He's just angry because the Queen won't give up that changeling child of hers.

Kohaku: Hey, watch it! We're already working off that Yoda thing. You want to get us in trouble with the Deep Space Nine people, too?

Kagura: Not that kind of Changeling, silly!

Kohaku: Well, that's what they claim. Personally, I think this entire subplot could stand to be clarified a bit...

Kagura: Anyway, now they never meet in grove or green, by fountain clear or spangled starlight sheen...

Kohaku: (Aside) If the next line is about the ramparts' last gleaming, I'm out of here... (to Kagura) Say, aren't you that weird pixie with a fan I keep hearing about? The one the Young Male demographic goes crazy for? The ditz who can't tell her head from her fan, but apparently controls the force of the wind? Are not you she?

Kagura: Yup. And I'm cute, too.

Kohaku: All I know is, you'd better get out of here before...

Enter from one side, MIROKUBERON, with his attending giggling pixies; from the other, SANGOTANIA, with hers.

Kohaku: Uh-oh. This could get ugly.

Miroku: Ill met by moonlight, proud Sango.

Sango: Aw, not you again! I told you, I don't care if you can cook...

Miroku: It so happens that I'm not here for you at all. I just wanted to give Kaede one more chance to see what she's missing...

Sango: Right. You don't want the Changeling?

Miroku: Oh, come now. Why would I want some pathetic Changeling? (Eagerly) Why? Is he here?

Sango: Come on, Miroku, you'll have to do better than that. I can see right through you.

Miroku: Maybe. But maybe I want you to think I want the Changeling, when I really want something else.

Sango: Or maybe you want me to think you want something else, thinking you want the Changeling, but you're really after the first one all along.

Miroku: Huh?

Sango: I don't know; the whole strategy thing gives me a headache. But you can't have the kid.

Miroku: One of these days, Sango... one of these days... pow! We're going to end up together! You just watch me!

Sango: Ahhh, shaddup. You and what army? (to her pixies) Fairies, away!

Kohaku: Am I the only one who prefers the term 'spirit folk?'

Sango: Wimp.

Exit Sango, Kohaku, and her pixies.

Kagura: Oh, don't mind Sango, she's like that. We'll just have to... Miroku? Miroku!

Miroku is having an argument with someone offstage.

Miroku: No! Absolutely not! I listened to your stage directions in the Hamlet play, and look where that got me! (Listens) Well, death is one thing, but purposely causing my woman to choose another male? It's insanity, I tell you! I'd never live it down with the other guys! (clamps a hand over his mouth) I'm starting to sound like Kouga.

Kagura taps him on the shoulder.

Kagura: Um... Miroku? Hi.

Miroku: (to Off) Well, then you tell the author that I'm about ready to lodge my staff down his...

Kagura: Hee-HAW!

Kagura launches herself in a flying kick at Miroku, and bounces off his chest. Miroku reacts as though he's been stung by a gnat.

Miroku: Thanks. I needed that.

Kagura: Don't mention it. Anything else I can do?

Miroku: Yes, I suppose so. (to the Author) You are so going to suffer for this. (to Kagura) Run and find me a love potion. We'll make Sango fall for something really disgusting before this night is done.

Kagura: But...er... what good will that do?

Miroku: It ought to be good for a laugh, if nothing else.

Kagura: All righty, then. I'll be back in a jiffy. Time me!

Exits, at a run.

Miroku
: (Aside, to the Author) For your sake, I hope this stunt gets me my Changeling, because my backup plan involves your dead body sucked into my Kazaana. (looks offstage) Oh, look. More mortals. My night just gets better and better...

Becomes invisible. Enter KIKYO, NARAKU  following her.

Kikyo: I love thee not, therefore pursue me not!

Naraku: Aw, Kikyo... babe... you don't mean that!

Kikyo: Don't make me get a restraining order, you little creep. And where the heck is Inu-Yasha, anyway? You said he'd be here!

Naraku: I dunno; maybe he missed his bus. Meanwhile... you, me, under the stars...

Kikyo: Ewww! Look, Naraku, do I entice you? Do I speak you fair? Am I even civil to you? Get a life!

Naraku: But I'm drawn to you, and my heart is true as steel! As is yours. We're a perfect match, I tell ya.

Kikyo: (Aside) I knew it. He didn't wear gloves when he spawned me. I just knew it. Now I feel all dirty...

Naraku: C'mon, Kikyo, you don't have to like me - just let me tag along. I'll be like your spaniel, ya know? (Aside, to the Author) Oh, for crying out loud, leave me a little dignity, will ya? (to Kikyo) It's like this, babe: I was going for 'boyfriend,' but I'll settle for 'dog.' Are you happy now? (to Author) You're so going to pay for this!

Kikyo: A dog? You're nothing compared to...

Naraku: Oh, for cryin' out loud! Don't start with Inu-Yasha again.

Kikyo: Still. You can't be a dog. No chance.

Naraku: Hey, I could be a dog! Oh, all right, one of those little rat dogs, maybe... or a nice terrier?

Kikyo: Nope, still thinking 'pervert'. Now back off! I've got to find Inu-Yasha.

Naraku: (under his breath) Ice princess...

Kikyo: What'd you say?

Naraku: I said, um, look, it is not night when I see your face, nor doth this wood lack words of company, for you in my respect are all the world.

Kikyo: Y'know, that's really kind of sweet, even coming from an icky little nerd...

Naraku: See what you're missing out on? You can run, but ya can't hide, babe.

Kikyo: If I weren't sure I could kick your ass, this would be a major Fatal Attraction moment. Just get over it, huh? Now, where's that Inu-Yasha...?

Exits.

Naraku: This is, like, way too much trouble. I should just spawn another one. Kikyo 2.0! With enhanced sympathy and radical new features, like... hmm... actually, I better work those out in my head, or we'll never get under the PG-13 rating...(cackles maniacally)

Exits. Re-enter KAGURA. Miroku becomes visible.

Miroku: It's about time. I thought I was trapped in an episode of The Young and the Restless. Do you have the love potion?

Kagura: Yuppers. See, it's the dew from this pretty flower...

Miroku: All right. Here's what we'll do: Give me half, and you take half. I'll worry about Sango. You seek through this grove; a little nice looking demon is in love with a pretty young lady. At least, he looks nice when he's in human form. Anoint her eyes, so that the next thing she spies will be that moron. She'll fall in love with him, and I won't have to listen to them bitch and moan anymore.

Kagura: Will this stuff work on a priestess?

Miroku: It probably shouldn't, but there's no use holding up the plot on a technicality.

Kagura: Gotcha. This is really nice of you, Miroku; I knew you were a sweetie.

Miroku: (Deadpan) Romance is my life.

Kagura: Now, get your hand OFF my ASS! PERVERT! (she whacks him with her fan)

Miroku: Ow! Ow! OW!

They Exit.



Scene II-- Another part of the wood



Enter SANGO, KOHAKU, and her train of pixies.

Sango: All right, guys, that's far enough. Let's have some fairy song.

All Pixies: (Singing) Iiiit's a small world aaaafter all...

Sango draws her Hiraikotsu.

Sango: What have I told you guys about that?

First Pixie: Umm... pixie wings taste like chicken?

Sango: Bingo. Don't you know any, like, early Stones? Something with a beat?

All pixies look at each other and shrug.

Sango: Well, then, just get out of here while I take my nap. I've got such a headache...

Exit Kohaku and Pixies. Sango sleeps. Enter MIROKU.

Miroku: Seems you get those a lot. We'll fix that...

He squeezes the love potion on Sango's eyelids.

Miroku: This may sound petty, but as long as I have to do this, I hope you fall for something really repulsive. (Listens offstage again) Oh, was it supposed to rhyme?

Miroku stands to his full height and extends his hand –the one with the curse .

Miroku: Listen to me very carefully: I... don't... rhyme. (Listens) Thank you.

Exits. Enter Kagome and Inu-Yasha. Inu-Yasha is human, with long black hair. Looks somewhat like Naraku, but not.

Inu-Yasha: I'm telling you, this is a good disguise! Who'd think Inu-Yasha would elope dressed like this?

Kagome: Just promise you'll consult me about fashion choices from now on. Say... where are we, anyway?

Inu-Yasha: I think we take a right at an elm tree... one of these elm trees...

Kagome: You are such a typical man! I told you to stop for directions!

Inu-Yasha: Feh! I don't need directions! I know exactly where we are... (looks around) Boy, is it dark... what do you say we try this in the morning?

Kagome: Next time, I get to hold the map, Marco Polo.

She lies down upon a bank.

Inu-Yasha: You know... as long as we're out here... all alone... in the cold... and we never did get to have any fun in any episode...

Kagome: Oh, get real. You're starting to sound like Miroku. (Aside) He must be rubbing off on everyone else in here...(shudders)

Goes to sleep.

Inu-Yasha
: It was worth a shot.

Shrugs and goes to sleep. Enter KAGURA.

Kagura: Well, darn. Here I am, an instrument of Buddha, and I can't even find two people in this little forest. It's damn annoying...

Sees Kagome and Kagome.

Kagura: Wait a second. There's two people there... ooh, and the man looks human! Hooray! But... Miroku said he'd be a demon. That guy's pretty normal. (Shrugs it off) Well, I guess everybody looks demonic to Miroku...The guy's getting paranoid...

She squeezes the love potion on Kagome's eyes.

Kagura: Gee, this guy you don't like is seriously cute. You must be a real witch. But they don't call me the Mistress of Love for nothing... when you wake up, everything will be all better. (Looks around, sighs) I just love a happy ending.

Exits. Enter KIKYO and NARAKU.

Naraku: All right... one date, and I'll pay for the whole thing! C'mon, I'm begging you, here...

Kikyo: Naraku, the next words out of your mouth are going to bring an a purifying arrow down on you. I don't think either of us wants to be responsible for that.

Naraku: Fine. Just leave me here, then... all alone... no friends, nobody to talk to...

Kikyo: Works for me. Don't wait up. (Aside) Hell, he's so annyoing, I don't want to even THINK about having to spend eternity in Hell with him...

Exits. He starts pacing back and forth.

Naraku: I don't get it. It must be me. Nah. It can't be me... I mean... for obvious reasons. I must have done something wrong. Maybe wrong incantation during the spell or something. I knew I should've bought that Delila your Demon Duchess kit, but no, I had to wing it...

He almost trips over Kagome, who wakes.

Naraku: Whoa! Check it out - Kagome? What the heck are you doing asleep in the woods? You okay?

Kagome: Yes, I'm fine, I... (looks at Naraku) Well, hi, sailor.

Naraku: (Aside) You ever get the feeling you're missing something, and you don't know what?

Kagome: Naraku, has anybody ever told you that demonically eerie look gives you kind of a demonic sex appeal?

Kikyo: Yes! Thank you! Finally, a woman who can perceive the obvious! Too bad you're Inu-Yasha's lady...

Kagome sidles up very close to Naraku.

Kagome: Inu-Yasha who?

Naraku: (Aside) Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! (to Kagome) Gee, Kagome, I don't know what to say... I mean, on the one hand, you're a total babe. On the other hand, I try never to get between an angry demon and his girlfriend. Bad things happen that way.

Kagome: Oh, he's just a half-demon. Anyway, you're more... um, more...

Naraku: What?

Kagome: Give me a minute! I'm sure I'll come up with some area where you're better than him!

Naraku: Oh, I get it. Very funny. Let's all have a big laugh at the sorry little bad guy of the entire series. Well, thanks but no thanks, sister. I'll have you know I'm plenty pathetic without your help. (Aside) That didn't come out right. (to Kagome) See ya.

Exits.

Kagome: Sarcastic! You're much more sarcastic! I like that in a man...

Exits, running after him. Inu-Yasha wakes.

Inu-Yasha: Kagome? Kagome? (Aside) Why do I have this feeling something terrible has happened?

Exits, looking for Kagome.

*****