Through The Flames


A drop in the ocean

A crack in the sky

It's setting the notion

We're all gonna die

And you're always running

With nowhere to go

You're living for nothing

But dying to know

But we're all terrified

I don't wanna be a superhero

'Cause I can't save the world

So I'm never gonna get the girl

I just wanna do better

Superhero

'Cause I can't save myself

Much less somebody else

So I gotta do better

Oh oh oh oh oh

So I gotta do better

Oh oh oh

You're caught in a cycle

You'll never get out

Afraid of your shadow

And living in doubt

But this isn't over

It's only begun

And there is no honor

In giving it all up

I don't wanna be a superhero

'Cause I can't save the world

So I'm never gonna get the girl

I just wanna do better

Superhero

'Cause I can't save myself

Much less somebody else

So I gotta do better

So I gotta do better

I don't wanna be a superhero

'Cause I can't save the world

So I'm never gonna get the girl

I just wanna do better

Superhero

-Falling In Reverse, "Superhero"


His knees felt the roughness of the tatami mat even through the thick padding and he did not bow his head.

"Here we are, Day One of Michelangelo's Awakening. He was comatose for six weeks, and we're talking lowest on the Glasgow Coma Scale without severe brain damage, so…what is that, Leatherhead, three? Four? Eh, you'll confirm when you get back, right?"

He took several deep deep breaths. Mere feet away from him, familiar gray ears twitched forward and quivered, whiskers pointed toward him desperately still, like the world in a freeze mode.

The red blinking light assured him as he aimed the camera toward the makeshift hospital bed that has started out as a gurney, um, borrowed, from a closing urgent care clinic. Casey was good at that sort of thing. At least it had wheels. Mike and Raph were talking in low, low voices, Mikey barely awake but smiling that familiar sunny grin. How was that possible, with that much pain?

His head was starting to hurt and his skin was still damp from when his little brother was crying all over him. His sensei's keen nose twitched, obviously picking up on the salt and musk. Donatello sighed.

"You know how…" he began, then paused. Did it matter? Should he bother? Would Splinter understand the bigger terms or would he just nod and smile and pat Donnie's shoulder like he always had, like he always had, assuming the young genius would just know and fix and build because that was who he was and besides, he had a willing eager heir to train?

Splinter did not move, but his ears shook harder.

"You know how when an animal is badly wounded and it can't get away, it will lash out with strength it doesn't have, with instincts overwhelemed and focused only on survival, and it doesn't care who is trying to hurt or help, all it wants is to stay alive…"

"Donatello here, and this is Day One of…of…well, Michelangelo's trance state, I guess we're calling it. His cognitive reactions are. Um. Abnormal. His response time is delayed only because a different part of his brain is in control. Normally the hypothalamus regulates very basic mechanisms, but there are other brain parts at work here, and I didn't grab Leatherhead's scanner in time, but I would say the psionic abilities are attached to the limbic system and woven throughout the…wait, what did Master Splinter just say? Leo, what was that about?"

"After the danger has passed and there is only comfort, the brain may switch into a state of pure shock, seeking remedy and love, understanding that everything is okay, that death didn't happen. And sometimes, that state never really fades like it is supposed to. Especially not in particularly sentient beings, primates, dolphins probably…humans."

"Okay, Day Four of the trance state. I need to whisper. Something isn't…I mean, I don't feel right. But I think we're going to need this recording for the future. I don't think Mikey knows what's happening. That's the problem, I don't think he can fully consent. And the things we've asked him to do have been simple enough. Demonstrate his telekinesis and ESP so we can guage. But…Sensei has been making commands. They're not suggestions, they're freaking orders. He's with Mikey and Leo in the dojo now, and Mikey…the way he's doing katas is robotic. He's not Mikey! I can't explain it, Leatherhead, but we can't keep outright making him do stuff unless we know full well he wants to. I mean, after a couple of days he was responding, basic words and replies, sure, but there's no emotion, there isn't any real willingness, and I'm no psychologist. So, LH, next time you're here, can you review the previous days and-"

"And we get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, on top of anxiety, on top of all sorts of neuropsychological disorder that could occur. Now. We're mutants with half-human DNA, right? Our brains are pretty human, there's a tiny percentage of pure animal instinct. And therein lies part of the problem, here."

He paused long enough, and Splinter whispered hoarsely, "Explain the problem, Donatello."

"You…you are a rat first, and a person second. We are turtles first, and humans second. You may have observed Master Yoshi and Tang Shen during your years with them, and you learned how it is to be human, but perhaps not human enough to truly care the way a mammalian – a human - parent cares." And here Donnie held his breath and clenched his fists, but still he did not look away, and he did not bow his head.

Sure enough, Splinter bristled and his tail thumped hard. "For twenty years, I have raised you and loved you, and now you come to me to declare-"

"I declare," Donnie interrupted a little loudly, "That you have rat instincts first and foremost. You wish to survive, you need your offspring to survive and be strong, and as Leo was seen as your shadow and your best student, naturally he was to be the heir. Raph was the rebel and all you could really do was help rein him in. I…I was gifted intellectually and technically, and as soon as you registered that, you knew I would be building us a home and a life regardless, and you let me, you encouraged me, later you pushed me, more and more, weapons and technology and security, ways to combat our enemies and bring down Saki when he threatened us, because of your memories of his slaughter of Yoshi and Shen."

"…and Michelangelo," Splinter breathed, voice expressionless.

Donatello squeezed his eyes shut. "Mikey…he…you knew he would never really have the destiny of a true ninja; he was loud and colorful and far too emotionally needy. But on the other hand, he could be the greatest warrior any master would ever train, due to his athletic prowess, his desire to fit into society, his desperate want to be accepted. The problem is that all you could really see was him goofing off and not taking lessons seriously the way Leo and Raph and I did. He just wanted to play. And this was not a game. And then we have the other thing."

Splinter finally nodded and shifted on his tatami mat, his black eyes glittering. "His natural extrasensory perception."

"Yes. The thing you kept hidden from us all for twenty years." Don's molars ground together. "The thing that could have helped make him even greater. The thing that might have saved our asses in battle so many times over, maybe prevented so many horrors…" He lost his voice for a second, anger clouding him, his mind automatically spewing out mathematics and chemistry to funnel that rage into something with bigger walls. He thought of Leo crashing through the window and barely surviving, he thought of Raph standing over Mikey with the lead pipe, he thought of the Utrom ship exploding with them and Ch'rell because they didn't have a choice (what if they had had a choice? Mikey could have used telekinesis…) …he thought of the horrifying alternate future Ultimate Drakko had sent him to. His anger rose, became a fog, and he snarled at himself to control it, to channel it. The first thirty-six numbers of pi. Conversions from metric to standard. All the names of all the moons in the Sol solar system. How many episodes in the original Star Trek versus how many in Star Trek The Next Generation. The names of the astronauts who died when the Challenger exploded. How many times Mikey's name graced the top scores in all their video games.

Mikey sobbing like a lost wounded kitten in his arms.

"You kept things from us, Sensei. Vital things. You kept Michelangelo in a state of learned psychological helplessness, relying on Leonardo and you for reassurance, on me to make sure our home didn't explode while he was reading comics and escaping life. He didn't ask to be the way he is, but we pushed him to it, we forced him because you were so afraid of his potential. He could have been a writer, an artist, a pro athlete, he could have been anything if society had accepted him, and you made sure that wouldn't happen."

And now he could hear his own voice getting louder and louder, but his anger didn't really work like that, usually he was quiet. Wasn't he?

Was this another lie?

Could Mikey have been a completely different person?

"I'm ending the recording. I told myself and Mikey this would just be about his recovery and it's become more than that, and I am guilty enough. Mikey, whatever part of him is conscious and in control, gave me a hug and told me that he understood and that it was okay and that he forgave me and he loved me. But I don't know him. I don't know where he put my Mikey in his own head. Will he even remember that hug? Will he remember sparring with Casey and Raph? Will he…will he remember Master Splinter ordering him to do exercises and clean the lair and put away all his video games and his comics? I can't…I'm sorry, LH and April, I know there will be more but I'm done with this video. Maybe I will let Mikey watch it when he's fully recovered, and he can make further decisions all on his own. But for now…I…I…No. I can't Donatello Hamato, signing out."

Raphael nearly choked on his soda when he looked more closely at how Michelangelo was adding eggs to the bowl. "Are you…is that…are those eggs floating?"

Mikey just grinned, his brow knit. "Perfect crack, perfect crack…yes! Perfect! I am the champion!" He grabbed the whisk and began mixing the four eggs, while leaning heavily against the counter.

"You look tired," Leo remarked.

"Just a little," Mike shrugged. "But omelettes are easy. Okay, aside from the cheese, what do we want? Green peppers?"

"Got any sausage?" Raph asked.

Leo went to the fridge. "In luck, it's unopened." As he carried the package to the table, Klunk appeared out of thin air and landed on the table, mewling.

Michelangelo laughed. "No, baby, c'mon, Daddy has your food here." He quickly limped to the cupboard and filled Klunk's bowl, making clicking and trilling sounds that were obviously turtle, but translated enough to cat. Klunk chirped back excitedly and jumped down. Mike stroked him from head to tail as he ate.

"Can you see inside Klunk's mind?" Leo set the sausage down and it immediately flew to the counter and unwrapped itself.

Michelangelo straightened up, massaged his temples, and got to work cutting up the sausage. "Yeah," he said. "It's all images and concepts, and then I have to translate in the back of my brain. This telepathy stuff is happening really fast. D'you know how fast I had to build walls a little bit ago?"

Raphael frowned. "When?"

Mikey waved at him. "Oh, when I was in the trance. My brain was working super fast to get me consciously up to speed. Dude. It hurt like hell. No wonder I stayed down for so long. Pfft. No wonder that video freaked me out. I didn't even know Dad would take advantage."

Leo and Raph looked at each other and frowned harder.

There was an odd sound coming from outside the kitchen, from the direction of the dojo. Leonardo, with his supernatural hearing, stepped to the doorway and concentrated. Raphael held his breath, while Michelangelo stopped moving. Leo blinked, then widened his eyes. "Uh. Donnie's yelling. And I mean angry yelling."

"Oooh, that's rare." Mikey turned all the way around. The knife on its own continued to chop up the sausage. "I don't even wanna know what excuse Splinter is giving."

Raphael narrowed his eyes at him, then startled when Leo grabbed his arm. "Wait, Leo, you're not gonna just barge in there, are you?"

"You would," Leo said, "I am intrigued."

"Have fun storming the castle," Michelangelo grinned, and Raph opened his mouth, then closed it. Mikey obviously had no intention of following them. His telepathy was probably giving him all the information he needed. Or even wanted.

Raph let out a huge breath and began wondering when he had started becoming the rational, responsible one in the family. He stared holes into the back of Leo's head as the two of them marched out into the lair, toward the dojo.

Leonardo paused just outside the doors and released Raphael's arm. Raph just watched him. Leo's eyes were narrowed, his nostrils flared, his fingertips twitching. Beyond that he was a statue. Rolling his eyes, Raph folded his arms and waited.

"…to consider he could have surpassed Leo? You? Master Yoshi? The Ancient One? Of course you did, that's why you did what you did!" and Donatello's voice was high, tight, and shaking, and Raphael felt every muscle in his upper body tremble with the urge to burst through and grab his younger brother and yank him away from whatever was making him sound so, so, so upset…

Leo's palm against his chest made him growl. But then Donnie's voice stopped.

Raphael sucked in his breath.

"Raph?" Don called out.

"My sons," Splinter called out.

Fuck this, Raph thought, and shoved open the doors and marched inside.

Donnie had not expected his brothers. Really. Of course, he hadn't been thinking straight, either. He could have factored at least Raph barging in. He should have. He was a little surprised to see Leo. Of course Mikey wasn't with them. Of course.

He was shaking. He was sweating. This felt surreal. This all felt wrong. His head spun. How did it come to this? How did their family get to this point? Or had it been that way since they were fifteen and patrolling topside under Master Splinter's lovingly strict guidance? Had it been longer?

Don had to stop thinking. He had to stop

Arms were around him from behind. Raph sighed in his ear. Leo's voice on his other side said, "Sensei." Like a finality, like a rock dropped into a lake.

Stop thinking, Donnie. Just breathe. Remember your training. Hey, remember that time on the Tricetraton ship? Do that. Breathe. Reach out for something to help. Last time it was Father. This time it's brothers.

He felt himself grab Raphael's forearms and squeeze. Raphael's strength pulled him up, to his feet, and steadied him.

"No more shouting," his older brother whispered. "It doesn't sound right. I hate it when you're upset, Donnie."

He couldn't agree more.

"I cannot properly defend my actions," Splinter was saying, "beyond the pure thought that I was doing the best thing for you four, for Michelangelo in particular. My only thoughts were of your safety and your growth."

"What is growth if part of it is restrained?" Leonardo was saying, very softly, very gently.

Oh, Leo, Donatello mused.

"Protected," was Splinter's quick reply.

Raph growled again, too low for anyone but Don to hear.

Oh shit.

He bit his lip and thought back to pointing that camera at his baby brother, watching a barely-there Michelangelo perform tasks that were not possible. Quiet moments when it was the two of them, and sometimes Leatherhead was there, encouraging Mikey to lift something or move something. No pressure, no cajoling, very…conversational. The three of them enjoying geekery moments. And then…those moments when Splinter would walk in and gently suggest that Michelangelo do something else, and Mikey would stiffen for a fifth of a second, and then he would smile, turn his clouded dilated eyes to his sensei, and nod. Really it had seemed simple. Innocent.

Mikey had seemed happy. Like the thing with Casey. Mikey had been smiling. That rakish grin, that I am the best at what I do spark. Casey's eyes widening as sharp things had sped toward him only to stop inches from his body or to veer away. And Raph had been there, laughing, and…Splinter had not been there. Mikey had smiled when Splinter had not observed him.

Leo with Mikey in the dojo, sparring, Leo blindfolding himself. Mikey, in his trance, grinning his I am the best at what I do grin, whispering, "Battle Nexus Champion, remember" in that hollow monotone, dodging and sliding and slipping under Leo's grasping hands, bending backwards in ways none of them could with their shells. Flipping Leo, pinning him to the mat with his hands and knees and nothing else, levitating Leo's swords so they pointed at their master, Leo smiling and yielding.

No Splinter.

Michelangelo laughing and dancing, a mix of ballet and capoeira, still not Mikey but part of Mikey, his nunchaku spinning in the air near him. Raphael leaning in the doorway, clapping to the rhythm of Mike's acrobatic movements. I am the best at what I do, like a song chorus, like a chant.

Master Splinter appearing next to Raph silently, like a shadow. Michelangelo stopping and bowing low to their sensei.

Mikey walking cat-like into Donnie's workshop, softly asking if he could assist in any way. Mikey using telekinesis. Mikey dipping into Donnie's mind. The two of them conversing in science. Mikey with a huge smile on his face. I am the best at what I do as an undercurrent full of confidence and joy.

Donatello blinked rapidly, realizing that there were tears streaming down his cheeks. He took deep shaky breaths. Raphael rubbed his arms and pressed his thumbs into his shoulders. He was having trouble hearing the conversation in front of him. Selective hearing, he guessed.

Leonardo and Splinter were talking very quietly, almost sub-vocally. Splinter's head was bowed, his raised black eyes glistening. Leo sounded like he was holding back tears. Then Splinter's hands shot out a grasped Leo's arms. Leo leaned back, hissing lightly, and twisted his forearms to release Splinter's grip. Then he grasped Splinter's wrists, pressing his thumb to his father's palms, rubbing them in a circle. Splinter drew in a breath, murmured something. Leo gulped, leaned in, and murmured something back.

Donnie heard Raph inhale deeply behind him. Probably more a reaction to the physical actions rather than the barely-heard words. Raph's breath tickled his ear slit.

"Wanna get out of here?"

Donnie felt himself nod. Raph very gently turned him around. He felt Raph stiffen and inhale again.

Michelangelo was standing in the doorway.