Written by Scooplet
Concept by Cheryl and Scooplet
Scarecrow and Mrs. King characters are the property of Shoot the Moon Productions and Warner Bros. Television. No copyright infringement intended. Not for commercial use. Sarah Stetson and Matt Granger are my creation, however, so please respect my right to claim ownership of them—I do not authorize permission to use them in stories not authored by me.
I Know He Watches Me, Part Three
Chapter Three
Later that evening, as she and Matt were brushing their teeth together, Sarah brought up the subject of her parents' upcoming flight to London. "I know you won't be happy with me, but I talked them into it. They didn't want you worrying about me. I just was concerned about them arriving on a plane only a few hours before the funeral and possibly getting stuck in traffic or something."
Matt did not respond immediately, but Sarah had to remind herself that he was rinsing his mouth. Finally, he said, "I'll talk to Francine about staying home after Wednesday. It's only two days, but I don't want you to have to do anything until next week. This way I can clean or do laundry."
"You don't trust me to leave it be, do you?"
Matt smiled crookedly, but did not reply.
Sarah pursed her lips and sighed heavily. "Okay, you've got me there. I just don't want your work to pile up at the Agency."
"I can do some stuff here." He went into the closet and began changing into his pajamas. "Besides, I want to be with you." He came back, wearing only his sweatpants, and kissed Sarah lightly on the cheek before he went back to finish his task.
Sarah joined him in the closet, but noticed he looked away once again as she undressed for bed. The now-familiar pang was there in her chest, but she tried to ignore it. "I expect you'll go down and watch the rest of the baseball game or the news?"
Matt looked at Sarah now, his eyebrows raised. "Why, no. I'm going to bed, too."
"But it's early—"
Matt brought his arms around his wife and drew near, speaking against her hair. "I've missed our bedtime routine. You know, the way we talk before we go to sleep."
Resting her head on his shoulder, Sarah reveled in their closeness, despite the slight tension she sensed in Matt. She knew there was more to their routine than simply talking at night, but after all, that was out of the question. She was still recovering. "I've missed it, too."
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They had not waited long for the doctor. It seemed to Matt that they had taken a back hallway to the treatment room, so they had seen few other patients. Until it was time to leave. They left the same way they had come, but in the parking lot, there had been two pregnant women making their way to the office entrance.
"We'll have to get used to this," Sarah said after they were seated in the Volvo.
"What?" Matt was hoping Sarah had not noticed the women.
"Seeing pregnant women. After all, I should go to Patti's shower. And there will always be babies around us. Patti and Rene's baby is due next month." Sarah sighed and turned to the window.
He reached for her hand and brought it to his lips. "This has to get easier, beloved."
Turning to Matt, Sarah swiped away a tear with her other hand. "You're right. Dr. Elliott said as much. And no wonder I'm feeling better. My blood count was close to normal range."
Matt stroked the top of her hand with his fingers and spoke quietly. "Close to low normal, but you're right. You made it in and out of the building very well."
Sarah put forth an effort to look bright. Perhaps this kind of conversation would bring Matt out of his funk. "Yes. I haven't had a dizzy spell in days, and I still have some energy left after my outing."
Smiling genuinely now, he patted her hand and started the engine. "That's my girl."
Sarah was setting their plates on the table and Matt was pouring iced tea to go with their leftover casserole when they heard a knock downstairs.
Glancing at the clock on the microwave, Sarah's brow furrowed a little. "Oh, my parents are early."
Matt felt himself forcing a smile as Sarah went to let them in the door. He had been looking forward to a meal alone with his wife before going in to work. Now they would have company. Stop being selfish, Granger, he chided himself. They will be gone in a day or two, and you'll have all the time you want with your wife. Besides, they wouldn't even be here if you hadn't left Sarah to go on that op.
One look at Sarah as she came back up the stairs had him kicking himself all over again. He should have gotten the door. She was winded and pale from rushing downstairs. He forced a smile again. "Hello, Amanda. Hello, Lee."
Amanda surveyed the table and was immediately apologetic. "We've interrupted your lunch." She turned to Lee. "I told you we should have run that errand first."
"No worries. Would you like some lunch, too?" As he spoke, Matt went to Sarah's side and placed an arm around her. She did not resist when he guided her over to the table.
Lee put up a hand. "No thanks. We already ate. Tried that new hoagie place near the mall. I guess I can't eat like I used to. I'm stuffed."
Amanda smirked as they all sat down together at the table. "You could have gotten a half. Or a salad."
He rolled his eyes. "Salad?"
Quickly changing the subject, Amanda watched Sarah as she dipped her fork into her casserole. It appeared to be a chicken and rice dish with a fruit salad on the side. "So, how did your appointment go?"
Sarah glanced over at Matt, as if gauging his expression. "It went well. My numbers are back up. Not normal yet, but getting there. I did pretty well walking from the parking lot all the way to the office and back. I don't feel like an invalid anymore."
"That's great, sweetheart, but you don't want to overdo it. How about taking a nap after lunch and letting me clean up here?" Amanda rose from the table and took Sarah's glass to the kitchen to refill it.
Satisfied that his mother-in-law was observing Sarah's pale color, too, Matt relaxed somewhat. He should be grateful his wife would be in good hands while he was at work. Sarah was not one to sit still, so without Amanda there encouraging her to rest, she would likely have been looking for things to do around the house most of the afternoon. After a few more minutes, Matt's plate was clean and he excused himself to get ready for work.
He was surprised to find that Lee had followed him upstairs. "Hold up a minute, Matt. I want to speak with you."
Judging by Lee's serious expression, Matt was certain the time had finally come for a lecture. Or worse. At the top of the stairs, he waited for Lee to catch up.
Gesturing for them to go into master bedroom, Lee shut the door most of the way once they were inside. Covering his mouth, he belched a little "Sorry." He grimaced. "Oh, God. Don't tell Amanda that hoagie is giving me the worst case of heartburn. I'll hear 'I told you so' until the end of time."
"Uh, no worries. You're secret is safe with me." Furrowing his eyebrows, Matt tried his best to look casual. He was too nervous to laugh at Lee's predicament; this was not the tirade he had expected from his former section chief. Lee was not one to soft pedal things when he was angry. This conversation might influence the tone of his relationship with Lee for years to come—and possibly for the remainder of his marriage. A marriage that he hoped would last for many more years, as long as Sarah did not harbor a longtime resentment against him for abandoning her the day she miscarried. He swallowed and forced out the words, hoping he did not sound as terrified as he felt. "What's up?"
Recovered a little from his digestive distress, Lee was serious, but seemingly as chummy with Matt as he always was. "Look, I've been wanting to talk with you. First of all, I want to make sure everything is okay between us." He paused, as if unsure how to proceed.
This is it. Matt had not really expected Lee to ever come out and say that he and Amanda had resented his carelessness. But rightly or wrongly, during his military days he had taken some heat from senior officers for the conduct of the men serving under him. It was part of life. This time he would deserve whatever was dished out to him. Matt bolstered his courage and gazed at Lee with what he hoped was a respectful expression.
Lee took one look at Matt's face and his hand came up in a frustrated gesture. "See? There it is. Amanda and I have been trying to figure out why you've been so…I don't know…" He began pacing. "You seem to be hanging on to some kind of guilt." Lee stopped and regarded Matt. "And we have no idea why."
Flustered now, Matt did not know how to answer. He turned away as a wave of emotion washed over him. Was it possible that Lee and Amanda had not really comprehended the additional trauma Sarah had gone through because she had been alone when she had collapsed? He found himself staring at the carpet, remembering the blood stains that had led him to his wife, huddled semi-conscious in the shower. Bringing his hand to his face, he leaned against the wall, unable to reply to Lee. He did not want to cry in front of his father-in-law. Since he had been a boy, he had not cried in front of anyone, except his parents and now Sarah. He felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey." Lee's voice was gentle and fatherly—concerned. "Matt, wherever you are right now, you don't have to do it alone. I'm right here. You're like a son to me. I'm sure it must be hell to lose a child, even through miscarriage."
Matt did not answer right away. Lee waited patiently, his hand still on the younger man's shoulder. Finally, Matt blurted out, "How do you tell your father-in-law that you failed his daughter and it's eating you up?"
Lee's hand moved away from Matt's shoulder. "What are you talking about?"
Turning to Lee, Matt's voice was low, so the women could not hear him downstairs. "I should have been here with Sarah." His throat constricted, the next words coming out in a whisper as he pointed blindly towards the bathroom. "She was just huddled in there, almost dead. If I had been here sooner, she wouldn't have lost as much blood. Surely you're angry with me about that. Amanda had to give blood. Something could have happened to her…" Matt turned away again. "Sarah shouldn't have been pregnant in the first place. I left all the responsibility for that to her." The weight of his confession off of his shoulders, Matt stumbled to the bed and sat down, his back slumped as he stared at the floor.
Lee sat down next to Matt. He sighed, but Matt could not detect any anger in his voice. Instead, there seemed to be a note of sorrow there. "You remind me a lot of a young agent I knew. He took responsibility for another agent he worked with—was in love with, if you want to know the truth. Perhaps too much responsibility."
Wondering if Lee was referring to himself and Amanda, Matt turned to Lee.
"Every time she was in trouble in the field, it would eat him up. One day, she was killed. I was there when it happened. It did something to me, something that took years to undo. In fact, it kept me from opening my heart up to someone new. A wall went up inside, and no one could get past that wall. Not until another woman came along, someone whom I loved even more deeply than Dorothy, did the wall eventually come down."
"Amanda?"
"Yes. But it took years for me to admit how much I cared for Amanda. In the back of my mind, I was terrified of her ending up like Dorothy. I let guilt paralyze me. Think of what would have happened if I had not let Amanda in. There would be no Sarah."
"I hear what you're trying to say, Lee, but was it really your fault that Dorothy was killed?"
"No more so than it was your fault Sarah collapsed in the shower. No one thinks it was your fault."
Scrubbing his face with his hands, Matt was not convinced. "But I know it was my fault she ended up in ICU."
"Even if I agreed with you, does it really matter whose fault it is?" Lee stood and paced a little. "The thing is, we're all human. You were fulfilling your duty to your country—doing your job. I know that Sarah wanted you to be in the field that day. She said so herself. That girl admires you no end."
"It's misplaced. I love Sarah for seeing the good in people, but she refuses to see my faults."
"She is like that—gets it from Amanda. But she's human, too. She's the one who forgot her pills. Whatever family planning you two had or have is between you." He huffed out a small laugh. "Frankly, I don't want to know what it is. The bottom line is that there is no need to blame yourself. No one is blaming you, Matt. Life happens." He smiled sardonically. "But you two may need to come up with a different plan moving forward."
"She can't be working like this when we do start a family." Matt ran a hand through his hair. "Heck, she needs to get a break no matter what we do."
"That was the other thing I wanted to talk with you about. Wong is completely out of line forcing Sarah to work in the field instead of Analysis, and then shipping her out of town. Policy is to take things on a case-by-case basis. Most of the time they just have relatives work in different departments. I've thought several times about going back to Gil Barclay to talk with him about it, but it won't help Sarah if her daddy is fighting her battles."
"Huh. Jamie and Phillip work together all the time. So did you and Amanda."
"Ah. But technically we were in different departments." Lee smiled. "Look. You need to get to the office. Get out of this funk you're in over the guilt thing. We all love you, son. There's nothing to feel guilty about." Lee went to the door and opened it, but he turned back to Matt. "You know, I can't fight Sarah's battles, but there's no reason you can't help her fight this one. Think about it. You might start with finding out what happened to Gil Barclay's previous receptionist."
"How would I get that information?"
"Talk to Jamie."
Matt wanted to respond to Lee, but his father-in-law was already heading down the stairs. He was not ready to agree with Lee about Sarah. It gave him a little comfort to know that his in-laws did not harbor a grudge, but Matt was not ready to forgive himself. As for work, it was easy to suggest that Matt push harder to get Sarah into Analysis. However, making that happen might require some thinking outside the box.
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The sound of running water eased Sarah from her sleep. Reaching out her hand, she found that Matt was no long in bed beside her. Stretching now, she smiled a little, remembering how they had talked the last few nights before falling asleep. Matt seemed more like his old self.
A toothbrush clinked in the holder, and after a moment, the door opened silently and Matt emerged from the bathroom and tiptoed in the direction of the bedroom door. Sarah sat up. "Good morning, love."
His eyes lit up as he turned to her. "Good morning." He sat down beside her on the bed. "You're looking chipper today. How do you feel?"
Sarah pulled her legs out from under the covers and sat on the edge of the bed beside Matt. "Like I want to go for a walk." She rose and went to the windows, peeking out through the slats of the blinds. "It looks like another beautiful day out there."
When she turned back to Matt, the smile had left his eyes. He started to say something, but Sarah cut him off.
"The fresh air would do me good. We could go to the green belt. There are flowers blooming there by now and the trees have all leafed out."
The discomfort was clear on Matt's face. "Sweetie, don't you think that's a bit ambitious?"
Sarah's mood faltered a bit, but she persisted, "Okay. How about I go for a slow walk on the treadmill while you lift weights? I could stop as soon as I run out of energy."
Considering this proposal, Matt's brows knit together. Then he broke out in a genuine smile. "That's a good compromise." He reached over and took her hand. "I do have some work to do today, but I think we should drive out to see the horses. Just to say hello."
"And eat at the diner?"
"Let's not push things."
"Less work for you, Matt. Besides, my parents helped finish off most of the casseroles. Mom put what was left in the freezer. We just have the meals your mom left for us now." Sarah smiled sweetly in an effort to help her appeal.
Smiling wryly, Matt stood. "Well, I can see how you might have had a few people wrapped around your little finger back in the day." He bent to kiss her forehead. "You're doing it to me, now. How about we eat at the Italian place because it's close to home?"
Not wishing to push her luck, Sarah nodded and got up, too. She kissed Matt on the cheek and went into the bathroom, hoping that they could share their evening meal in their favorite booth and not in front of the television with her feet propped up on the couch as they had done more than one night that week.
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While the day had been just the thing for boosting Sarah's spirits, it had been a reminder of her limitations. Their meal of sandwiches and fruit on their favorite rock at the cabin had been good for both of them. Matt had seemed more relaxed than Sarah had seen him in weeks. But, as they shared their remaining apple slices with her parents' horses Pilgrim and Panda at the farm where they were boarded, she had longed to saddle them up and take a ride near the creek. She had to admit that the level of disappointment she had felt might have been tied to her level of exhaustion. It had been a big day for her. However, after napping in the car for part of the drive home, Sarah was able to convince Matt to eat at the restaurant.
Now, as she lay propped up in bed reading while Matt sat next to her, catching up on emails at his laptop, she was having trouble keeping her eyes open. It was not even eight o'clock, and while they were both in their pajamas, she was determined not to fall asleep yet.
Her buzzing phone caused her to wake fully with a start.
"Who is it?"
Sarah knew that Matt hoped she would let the call go to voicemail. It was not likely he had missed her drooping eyes. "It's Richard Wong."
"I'm very tempted to take that phone from you and answer it myself."
She offered him a weak smile and swiped the screen. "Sarah Stetson."
Matt watched his wife as she exchanged a few pleasantries with Richard. He was glad to note that she did not say she was "fine," instead saying she was "coming along." He closed his laptop and set it on the chair near the bed, and then climbed under the covers once again.
As he watched, Sarah's countenance changed. Sitting forward, Sarah listened intently to the call, the tension in her shoulders visible to Matt. "Why did you move the testing up a week? Don't I have to be cleared by the doctor? …I see. You have an apartment already set up for me? Don't I have a say in this? Why didn't you call me sooner? …I see. Yes. I'll be there..."
Before Sarah could finish her sentence and end the call, Matt was on his knees, reaching for the phone. "Richard?" There was a pause as Matt sat back on his haunches. Obviously her supervisor had not hung up. "Yes, it's Granger. Who else do you think it would be at eight o'clock at night? My wife is still home recuperating—on sick leave, I might add."
Sarah had never heard Matt growl into the phone—until now. "What do you mean, calling this late to advise her of this test? It was scheduled for next week. A full week away. Yes, this is my business. We're talking about my wife's health, and you're out of line." Matt pulled the phone away from his ear and glared at it.
Sarah's voice was quiet. "I take it he hung up on you?"
He glanced at her briefly, but turned back to stare at the phone, his free hand balled into a fist. "Yes."
Matt was quiet for a long time. Unsure what to do, Sarah sat and watched him. Finally, he spoke. "He has you going to New York soon, doesn't he?"
"Um, actually he said it was a two- or three-week assignment, but he did not give the exact starting date—I'll probably leave at the end of next week." Tears formed in Sarah's eyes at the realization that the time had almost come for her to leave their home and begin a new job, several hours away. "They have an apartment set up—I won't have to pay rent during this assignment. After that, someone in the New York office will evaluate me and decide whether to keep me there for my six months' probation."
Matt stared at her phone as he flipped it lightly from one hand to the other. "It's private? No roommates?"
"I'm not sure, but I think so. There are other agents on assignment living in the same building."
"Tomorrow, while you are going through testing, I am going to look into filing a grievance against Wong."
"Don't I have to do it?"
"You will. I'll just figure out how to do it."
Sarah reached out to touch Matt's arm. "I could quit. I could get a job somewhere else. This isn't worth it. We're more important than my job."
Matt placed his hand over hers. "No. You won't let one person ruin this for you. Richard Wong has been out of line too many times."
After handing her the phone and watching her place it on the nightstand, Matt reached for Sarah and pulled her into his arms. They lay together, propped up against the pillows, with her head on his shoulder.
"I'm going to miss you so much. I love you." The catch in her voice was unmistakable as she pressed her face harder against him.
He responded by giving her a light squeeze and kissing her hair. By God's grace he had not choked up, too. "I love you, too. And I'm going to miss you, too."
Her head moved, and suddenly, her mouth was close to his. It was a long kiss, tasting of salt and mint. Tears and toothpaste, like another evening not long after they had returned from their honeymoon.
Caressing her hair, Matt whispered against Sarah's cheek. "Beloved."
"We'll be apart for your birthday and our four-month anniversary."
Had it only been four months since their wedding? "I'll take the train up."
"You know I can't predict my hours. You're the one who told me that."
"Sleeping in the same bed together and sharing a quick breakfast would be better than nothing. Although I'd like to try for dinner alone with you."
"It might be a twin bed."
"That won't matter, will it? Look at us now." They both craned their necks. Sure enough, lying there in an embrace, they only occupied a narrow space on the bed.
They lay back against the pillows and Sarah rested her head on Matt's shoulder again. "You are a sweet man. You always try to make everything easier and more bearable for me. I really do love you."
"As I've told you before, nothing brings me more pleasure than to do things for you." He yawned. "It's still early, but you need to get some sleep."
Matt turned towards Sarah, their legs tangling together as he ran a finger down the side of her face again.
It was as if Matt was deliberately etching this moment on his mind. Deciding to do the same thing, she brought her palm up and laid it against Matt's cheek. When they kissed, they both let their hands wander. It seemed like a long time before they came up for air.
Knowing that if this continued the direction things were going, it would be hard to stop, Matt drew away slightly. "I want to love you, but it's too soon." He turned away for a moment and switched off the light.
Sarah could not argue with her husband's reasoning, but she was glad when he turned back to her and took her in his arms. She sighed contentedly and lay her head on his chest, wishing they had more nights like this before she had to leave for New York.
