scars will heal
soon
you shrug it off
except you don't
The next morning as I walked into Eric's office I kept my eyes closely trained on the toes of my boots. I didn't lift my head until he read my assignment.
"Mott go rest, you've got night shift on the fence tonight starting at twenty-one-hundred hours," he barked, shuffling his papers, "You will be shadowing Rachel Dios. You will be at the fence by nine o'clock to report to her and I will know if you are not there on time." I nodded curtly in response, showing I understood before he dismissed each of use. When I returned to my dorm I tried to rest but found myself too excited about going out to the edge of the city. I hadn't been to the fence since initiation but I'd loved standing there taking in the scenery.
Riding the train I watched the sunset over the horizon. I was more excited for this assignment than even going to Amity. Maybe when I officially take a leader position I'll ask to be on the fence. Though I had no idea what to expect from tonight, I knew it was going to go well because I wouldn't be stuck underground in the city. If I worked full time on the fence I wouldn't have to see Eric at all. Though I knew in reality I'd have to see him first thing the next day in the morning, I was excited for one night away. I tried to keep my spirits from being weighed down by the constant reminder that I couldn't easily get away from him.
Shaking my head I looked out, seeing the curve in the tracks where the train turned around to head back to the city coming up. I braced myself, holding the bar next to the exit, I threw my body forward, diving out the open door into the grass. I stumbled slightly, before recognizing the continuing momentum, I tucked my head forward, allowing my body to tumble into the tall weeds, knowing from training to not fight the impact. I landed flat on my back, looking up at the first handful of stars that had started to appear in the darkening sky, smiling to myself.
"You alright?" a voice chuckled from above me as an open hand moved into my vision.
"Yeah, just jumped too hard," I joked as I reached up, letting them pull me to my feet. I found myself standing in front of a woman with long wavy brown hair wearing a common Dauntless uniform with two piercings in the center of either cheek. While there was nothing specific I can say made me feel so weird, I found myself awestruck that she was paying attention to me. She smiled at me as she began to shake my hand. I watched the way the piercings pulled at her dimples as she smiled.
"I'm Rachel," she stated with a kind look that I couldn't help but return as I wrapped my fingers around her hand.
"I'm Mott," I bit my lip as I studied her dark eyes, reveling in the warmth of her palm against mine.
Rachel proceeded to lead me to the main guard tower she manned before showing me the way around. I nodded making notes of the different points of her job as we did the rounds of the soldiers under her watch. It was obvious that I was not her first shadow by how she expectantly explained each detail, occasionally giving me small tips with a wink. I blushed under her attention, captivated by her every word even if she was just telling me about which of the metal stairs was the creakiest. I didn't care what she said as long as he said it to me.
After we finished the first cycle of checking on the guards we returned to the monitoring station. I followed Rachel through the doors and she pulled up a chair for me next to hers. I immediately slumped onto the seat, resting my gun on the floor. I looked blankly off to the distance through the window as she began making notes in the log. After little rest all day, and the general anxiety of my life, I now felt constantly tired.
The counter before me was covered in small monitors, each showing a live feed from the close circuit cameras along the fence. You could see the various guards as they kept patrol, some paced back and forth while others smoked a cig. The room was most empty expect for a small counter in the back corner where Rachel had set up a pot of coffee to brew. After a few minutes of silence, Rachel finally laid down her pen and looked at me.
"So are you not the talkative type? 'Cus if so, it's going to be a long night," she asked looking at me with her eyebrows raised. She spoke in a teasing, daring tone that was common in Dauntless.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled looking to my lap, "I haven't been really… been in the mood to chat recently," I sighed, not sure how to explain how I've was feeling.
"Oh," as she spoke any light hardheartedness was gone from her voice, "Is it because of Eric?" she guessed.
"How'd you know?" I finally mumbled looking up at her. I noticed now that she sat with her hands on her lap facing me. She wasn't just chatting while doing her work, she was actually listening.
"I've heard the rumors," she shrugged looking slightly guilty, "About you and him kissing last week."
I bit my lip as I shook my head, I couldn't look at her as I choked out the truth, "No, he kissed me." Rachel was quiet for a moment before she reached to rest her hand on my shoulder.
"I believe you," she said in a quiet voice as I looked at her. She slid her arm across my back pulling me into a tight hug, "Eric is awful, I know for a fact."
"Did- did he do this to you?" I asked looking up at her, expecting an expression of pain and understanding but instead she looked like she was going to burst.
"Are you kidding?" she laughed throwing her head back, "If he touched me I'd break his hand!" Rachel took a moment to collect herself, resting her palm flat on her chest as she tried to even her breathing, "No, no, no, he and I grew up together in Erudite. I've known him since we were babies is all."
"Eric's a transfer?" I questioned gazing at her over my shoulder, "I always assumed he was born Dauntless."
"Pfft, please," Rachel scoffed, casually shifting her arm from my shoulders to the back of my chair, "He was a dweeb and a kiss-ass when we were little," I watched as she thought back, her eyes drifting while she reminisced.
"He's always done whatever he can to get forward, to be the best. The thing that's changed is exactly what he's done to accomplish that," she looked to me pursing her lips, "In Erudite it's about your brain. About how you think, how you plan," she stated as she tapped her temple, "In Dauntless strength is not what you alone can do, but what you are able to accomplish with your team," She smiled as she reached forward, squeezing my bicep, "Eric's biggest fault is his short sightedness and ego. He only thinks of how to better himself and how strong he is, not about the strength he could gain from working with others. Instead of working alongside someone, he tries to bend them to his will."
A strange feeling washed over me as I listened to her. It felt like I had been standing in front of a window, staring out forever confused and terrified by the scene before me, as if the sky itself was aflame. Now that someone had explained to me that it was the sunset, the red hues weren't as ominous or foreboding. Rachael understood Eric in a completely different sense than I ever could. She thought of him as a peer, a kid she grew up with, not as her infallible boss. The corner of my mouth twitched upwards at the thought of Eric wearing thick rimmed glasses like all the other kids at Erudite.
"In school he was such a smartass," Rachel began, absently twirling the ends of my hair as I shifted to face her, "He wasn't popular but he dated this chick who everyone wanted to be. I was friendly with her but she never really liked me," Rachel paused, laughing as she rested her hand on her forehead, "It's so silly to think how much everyone cared about that bullshit, we were just kids, you know? The most important thing back then was dating, though I didn't really join in when everyone started pairing up, but Eric and Julie were the 'it couple' of the class. When they finally broke up, oh man was that a scene.
"First thing Monday morning, everyone's in the hallway at their lockers when Julie starts yelling. She was just screaming at him not to touch her, that they were through. Obviously something had happened over the weekend between them. When he tried to lean in and kiss her, Eric's best friend John comes out of nowhere and socks him right in the jaw. We were all a bunch of dweeby bookworms so none of us knew how to fight but man, did they go at it. Eric eventually pinned him down and beat his face to a bloody pulp. Turns out that Julie had dumped Eric because she was getting with John on the side. He was suspended for like two weeks and John had to get a bunch of stitches," she finished with a shrug, "But that's Eric for you."
"There were fights in Amity," I mentioned after a moment, wanting to continue the conversation while smiling at the memory I'd almost forgotten about.
"Really? The hippies throwing down? I don't believe you," Rachel teased as she nudged my shoulder.
"Not a lot, and it was always a big deal when it happened, especially if it was on the compound," I explained as l looked up from my lap to her, "They don't regularly give the peace serum to kids, that's only for full members, so most fights are between teenagers, you know, 'cus of hormones," I reached up scratching at the back of my head as I spoke, "There was this jerk everyone called Woody, I don't even remember his real name, but he'd make fun of my red hair all the time. I never stood up for myself back then but Layla, my-," I paused, hesitating of how to explain the relationship, "My best friend, she would always tell me to not take his shit, to fight back but I never could." I leaned into my seat, hoping she couldn't see the tears in my eyes.
"So one day we all had stable duty. I was lugging around the sacks of feed when he comes up behind me and just yanks on my ponytail. It totally threw me off balance and I fell onto the hardwood, with the bag landing on top, knocking the wind out of me. I was laying there trying to recover as I looked up. Layla had been at the other end of the barn shoveling manure but she had seen me fall and ran full speed towards us, swinging the shovel she had at him. It just flew out of her hands, the metal colliding directly with his face," I held my hand up gesturing how it had crashed against him while Rachel looked completely flabbergasted at my story, "She helped me stand up and we ran, hiding out in the field until sun down. She still got in trouble the next day, but he lost a tooth and got this awful infection that almost made him go blind in one eye from getting horse shit in it," I smiled to myself, "And he didn't bother me anymore."
"She sounds like a good friend," Rachel said, giving me a soft look. I couldn't help but smile back, thinking of her.
"She was. I really miss her," I turned my head away fearing I was about to cry again.
"So come on," Rachel started as she stood up, moving to the counter in the corner of the small room. She pulled down two foam cup and filled each with coffee from the kettle, "You got to have more crazy stories from the farms," I took the cup as she offered it to me, holding it with both hands, enjoying the warmth.
"Have you ever heard of tractor stealing?" I inquired as I took a sip, "See the thing is they're so big and loud if you tried to just drive off with one, someone's going to notice, right? So it's this tradition for initiates to try and steal a tractor without getting caught."
We continued to trade stories throughout the night. It was so easy talking to her, even if I told her about something I thought was dumb, she was still interested. Once the sun came up, I dreaded going back to the to Dauntless.
"You doing anything?" Rachel asked after we hopped off the train.
"I don't think so?" I yawned as we entered the compound, unsure what she meant.
"I usually go get a drink after a shift, care to join me?" I couldn't help but blush under her attention.
"Oh no, I shouldn't. I have to check-in in a few hours, I should go wash up," I said looking away. The place was just beginning to stir, people still half away stumbling to the canteen for coffee and breakfast, "But maybe another time?"
"Yeah sure," she agreed with a smile, giving my shoulder a squeeze before moving toward the hall that lead to the apartments. I turned, trying to hide my grin as I navigated my way through the half awake crowd. I ducked through the dining hall, grabbing a muffin from the counter before returning to my dormitory.
I was just about to exit the large space when a heavy hand landed on my shoulder. Slowly I turned to face Eric, refusing to look up at him.
"How was your first night on the fence?" He asked, his grip still tight on my shoulder.
"It was great, I really enjoyed it," I replied shortly.
"That's good you're going to be out there again tonight," he explained, "Don't worry about check-in, just go rest."
"Thank you sir," I said moving to leave as he quickly slid his hand up the back of my neck. Grabbing my hair, he wrenched my head around so I was forced to look in his eyes. He leaned forward, pressing his lips against mine. I went rigid as my open hand flew to his chest trying to push him away. I could feel him smiling against my mouth, excited by my struggle, before pulling away with a pop.
"Sweet dreams," he murmured into my ear after he finally broke apart. My skin crawled as I felt every eye in the room on me like a pin prick. Eric stood up straight, licking his bottom lip before letting go of my hair. Once I was free from his grasp I ran and I didn't stop until I got to my room.
The next night I felt considerably more anxious while riding the train. I don't know exactly what I was worried but once my feet landed on the dirt path, and I could see the way Rachel smiled at me everything melted away. She linked her arms with mine, leading me towards the fence. It may be wishful thinking but I felt like Rachel moved more quickly through the rounds. It could be that yesterday she went slow so I could keep up but today it felt like she wanted to just get back to the watch tower and talk with me.
Being with her was like a vacation from the stress of life. We would laugh at the dumbest jokes as we talked about our pasts. Sometimes we'd touch on sensitive subject but I still felt unsure how to explain that I was in love with Layla. Not because she was a girl but because she was divergent. We had talked about everything but politics and I still wasn't sure about her standing on the executions. I think it would kill me if Rachel told me that Layla should've died, so I avoided the subject all together.
In the morning I again found myself standing next to Rachel in the pit.
"Want to have a drink?" she asked again with a smirk.
"Yes," I readily agreed, eagerly following her back to her apartment. I wasn't as familiar with the west wing of the compound, having always resided in the eastern dormitory. I tried to contain my excitement as we moved through the hallways, my fingers laced with hers as she lead the way.
She lived in a small studio apartment, made up of a connected kitchen and living room with a bedroom and bath. I loved it though. The space was filled with lamps, glowing by the fairy lights that lined the wall. It felt warm and comfortable as she directed me to the sofa.
"What's your poison?" she asked as she moved to the freezer.
"I don't know," I said as I studied the small space around me.
"Hey," she called looking at me from the counter, "See that basket next to you?" she pointed, "Pick an album, any of them, whichever speaks to you," she turned, going back to preparing the drinks as I flipped through the records. I came across one that bore a picture of four men looking through a window. I pulled out the circle of vinyl and carefully placed it on the record player, placing the needle into the outermost groove after it began to spin.
"Oh I love this song," Rachel called as she stepped forward with two glasses. I took the one she held out to me, quickly sipping at the bitter liquid while she sat on the cushion next to me. She closed her eyes for a moment, weaving her head in tune with the music as took a big gulp from my glass.
"Careful," she said in a jovial tone as she sipped at hers, letting her arm lay across the back of the couch behind me.
I leaned into the cushion looking at her, already feeling the warmth of the alcohol flooding through my system, "I'm so happy I met you," I stated bluntly, "I thought that there was was no one in Dauntless like me, but then I met you." I couldn't help but grin as I took another big drink from my glass.
"I'm glad I met you, too," she agreed with a smile as we enjoyed the sitar in the song. I felt entranced as I looked at her happy expression with her arm resting around my shoulder. I couldn't help but lean forward, pulled towards her.
'I once had a girl' the song sang as I moved nearer, hesitantly resing my hand on her jaw, 'Or should I say she once had me,' I could feel something awaken within me as our lips made contact. It was nothing like Eric's kisses which left me feeling dirty and wasteful. This made me feel like I had flowers blooming in my stomach as I melted into her touch. I shifted my arm, resting my hand on her shoulder as she tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Her fingertips dance along my through before finding their way into my hair, gently scratching at my scalp.
'Drinking her wine,' Rachel pulled her arm around my waist bringing my form closer to her. I moaned enjoying the feeling of being against her. 'We talked until two and then she said, 'It's time for bed'," Rachel moved, pulling at my thigh so my legs straddled hers. I found myself sitting above her with no interest besides continuing to press my lips against hers.
I moaned as she moved her arms up my sides but once she neared my breast an alarm in my mind went off. I pulled aways instantly, not sure what had exactly made me panic.
"Hey," she cooed, dropping her hands, "Hey, it's ok," she smiled warmly at me, calming my nerves before continuing, "Don't worry, we don't have to do anything you don't want," She shifted under me, leaning forward for an instant before pulling back. I recognized her attention and finished the action, leaning in and pressing my lips to hers.
"I'm just," I began as I leaned my forehead against hers, "I'm just not sure I'm ready for that," I finished, clenching my eyes shut to avoid the sight of her judgmental stare.
"That's fine," she hummed as he kissed at my jaw. I couldn't help but smile, enjoying the feeling of her against my skin. I knew this was what I wanted but I still felt like there was something keeping me from taking it. Something that felt like the memory of Layla.
"I- I should go," I stated as I pulled back, climbing off her lap. Though I knew this was something I wanted, but I couldn't fight the stabbing voice in the back of my mind telling me to leave. I moved quickly, setting my glass on the table as I gathered my bag and headed out the door.
I grabbed at my head as I walked. I didn't know what was wrong, I liked Rachel. I mean, I really liked Rachel, but being with her felt like such a betrayal I couldn't go through with it. I sobbed as I walked home, wiping my tears and not looking forward to tomorrow.
"This is so dumb," I grumbled to myself as I squirted the cleaning solution on the window pane.
"What was that?" Eric asked, quirking his eyebrow at me as he looked over his shoulder.
"Nothing sir," I replied quickly as I wiped down the glass. There were janitors for this, Eric did not need me to be cleaning his office. All day I could feel his gaze on me as I knelt over the tiles scrubbing at the grout. I didn't know what he was playing at, but I did not have enough sleep to be able to deal with this shit. I'd been up all night tossing and turning thinking about Rachel. And thinking about Layla.
"Is this really necessary?" I questioned with a huff, letting my arms drop as I faced him.
"Yes. The windows were dirty and they needed to be cleaned," He returned quickly without looking up from his monitor.
"Isn't there something more important I could be doing. Something more useful?" I pressed as I circled to the front of his desk, moving into his line of vision.
"I can think of plenty more useful things for you to do," he stated as he swiftly moved so he stood in front of me. I looked away, sure that he wasn't talking about paperwork as he stepped closer, trapping me against the desk with one arm.
"Why are you doing this? What do you want with me?" I finally asked, looking at his chin as I pushed on his chest.
"If you don't know know what I want by now," he began standing still against me, "Then you are far dumber than I ever thought," he smirked as he moved his hand across my cheek, sliding his fingers under my ear so the tips lightly brushed against my hair, "I want to fuck you."
My eyes snapped up to his as my hands dropped to grip the edge of the desk behind my, "But you don't love me," I stammered, searching his face.
"Ha!" he barked, throwing his head back as he laughed, "I'm sure out on the farm love is all important, but here in Dauntless sex without love is very common. In Dauntless, we don't make love, we fuck," I felt like a lamb under his wolfish grin, "But I'm sure an Amity like you wouldn't know about that."
"I'm not Amity anymore," I blurted out without thought, "I'm Dauntless now."
"So prove it," he challenged leaning in closer, "You were eager to show me how Dauntless you were the other day," as he spoke, a shudder went through me at the memory. I felt a turmoil in my gut as I thought about how he looked with his head rolled back as I knelt between his legs, knowing that it was because of me that he was like that.
Pulling at the back of my neck, he jerked my head forward. I opened my mouth in surprise at his actions as he took my bottom lip between his. I curled my fingers into the cotton of his shirt as he wrapped his other arm around my waist. I closed my teeth around his top lip, tugging at the soft flesh. He growled in response, moving his arm to lift me onto the desk. I felt like there was a war inside me, I knew I should leave, but it felt like I was moving autonomously as I shifted my hips against his. I squeaked, surprised by the feeling of him poking at me.
He had this stupid prideful look before he moved to my neck, his bites following my aorta. Clenching my eyes shut, I was still not sure if I should be enjoying this, but as the shaved side of his head scratched at my cheek, my lips brushed against his ear. I could feel his response more than hear it, the moan vibrating from his chest as he continued to nip along my collar bone. I ran my tongue along the edge of his ear, circling it around the spacer in his stretched earlobe, smiling to myself as he continued to moan. Hs hand moved to my bottom pulling me closer as I took the plug between my teeth and tugged lightly.
"Fuck," he snarled as I wrapped my arms around his shoulder. I lowered my head as he stood up, kissing along the black ink the column of his throat. He pulled at my chin before forcing his tongue into my mouth as his other hand's grip dug into my bottom. I bit down once the muscle was between my teeth. He merely chuckled at my response when someone barged through the door.
"Sir, Jenkins was just killed in an factionless ambush," someone announced in a panicked voice from the doorway.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Eric yelled without turning to acknowledge the messenger, slamming his hands on the desk I sat sat on. He paused, taking a few deep breaths before he looked at me. He held my gaze for what felt like an eternity before he finally stood up straight. I could tell he was still fighting to keep his breathing level as he turned on his heel and stalked to the door, following the other man out of the room as he ripped his jacket from the coat hook.
I sat there alone in the dark office without moving, unsure how to feel about what had almost just happened.
The lyrics at the beginning are from the song Alice Practice by Crystal Castles
please tell me what you think! i love hearing :D
