November 1
Your friends really miss you, Kurt. Last night's party was nothing like they used to be. Remember when Rachel threw that party back when we were just friends? And Puck broke in to her dads' alcohol cabinet? After a few drinks everyone was super drunk, except for you and Finn. Brittany started stripping and Sam and Santana were making out on the couch. Then we played Spin the Bottle and I kissed Rachel. Then I had this stupid idea that maybe I was bi, and that it wouldn't hurt to 'experiment.' Oh, my gosh. I'm laughing just thinking about it. I'm never gonna live that down, am I? That party was awesome, though. Last night was fun, but not as fun as it used to be. Mercedes and Rachel tried to act normal, ya know? Like nothing happened. Like everything was okay. Puck, Artie, Brit and Santana weren't really into though. I just got really drunk with Finn. Finn's doing better, I guess. We talked for a while before we started drinking. He told me your dad is still a little out of it, and Carole's been real quiet. He said Burt sometimes cries himself to sleep, late at night when he thinks everyone is asleep. Finn said he always hears him though, he said he doesn't get much sleep anymore. I don't think any of us do.
November 4
Two months without you.
November 6
It's not getting any easier, being without you. Is it always gonna be this hard to get out of bed in the morning? To force myself through school? To put a smile on my face everyday when all I wanna do is cry? Am I always going to feel like this? So helpless? Lost? Sad? Angry? Unhappy? I can't snap myself out of it and I'm starting to wonder if this is what I've become. This is my life now, isn't it?
November 13
I'm failing three of my classes. I may not graduate, not unless I can get them back up before June. I think I can do that. Even though I don't know if I want to graduate anymore. What's out there for me? Nothing. We were supposed to leave this place together, but now it's just me and I don't know what to do anymore. New York isn't an option for me anymore, I don't think. That was our future, not mine. I don't know what I want to do or what I want to be. I wanted to be with you but that's not an option anymore either. So I guess I'm kind of stuck right now.
November 15
Finn called me today. He told me he'd help me study for the exams coming up before Christmas break. Weird, huh? Usually we'd be the ones tutoring him, but somehow through all this shit he's been able to keep his grades up. Finn's gonna go really far, I think. He's got potential, even if sometimes he doesn't see it. You taught him that, you know. You taught him that he's special. I wish you could've seen how special you were.
November 18
I went to your house after school today, so Finn could help me study. It was probably a bad idea, I think. It made my heart hurt to sit there in your house, knowing you weren't there. I tried to focus on what Finn was telling me but I don't think I learned anything. Carole asked me to stay for dinner, so I did. She set a spot for you at the table. Burt didn't talk much. I really miss when I used to go there for Friday Night Family Dinners. Those were so much less awkward, and you were still here.
November 19
Yesterday me and Carole had a very.. interesting conversation. She was cleaning up after dinner when I walked into the kitchen and Burt and Finn were in the living room. I asked her if she needed any help and she said yeah so I started to wash the dishes while she dried them. Neither of us really talked for a few minutes, and then she said something I don't think I can forget.
"It's okay to be sad, Blaine. It's okay to be angry and want to throw things or hit something, and it's okay to scream and cry until you don't think you can anymore." I just looked at her and nodded. Because that's the thing, I think I reached that point. I don't think I can cry anymore. I want to, but I can't. I want to be angry, but I can't. How could I be angry with you? And it doesn't matter how loud I scream because no one hears me. I just want to stop feeling like this.
November 23
I went back to Glee Club yesterday, for the first time since.. you know. Mr. Shue welcomed me back and then everyone was talking to me about you and how great you were and I just broke. Who were they to tell me how great you were? I KNOW. I know how great you were and how wonderful and beautiful and perfect, I know. I want everyone to stop telling me how amazing you were, because it just makes me miss you more. I want everyone to stop fucking tiptoe-ing around me like I'm some kind of bomb that might go off at any second, but mostly I just want you to come back. Please, Kurt. I need you to come back because I can't do this anymore.
November 25
I was just thinking about that night. The night Burt called me. I remember I was in the kitchen sitting on the counter, watching my mom cook dinner. It was one of the only nights both of my parents were home and my mom wanted to have a nice dinner. When the phone rang I answered it cause it was right next to where I was sitting, and your dad said "It's Kurt," and somehow.. somehow I think I knew. I didn't know that you were dead but I knew something was really, really wrong, because why would Burt have called me at home? I remember my mom yelled at me cause I dropped the phone in the pot of rice on the stove and I ran out the door without so much as a 'goodbye.' I ran all the way to your house, Kurt. All the way to your goddamn house and no one was even there. So I turned around and I ran to Rachel's house, and she wasn't home either. And I remember thinking, where the hell is everyone?" And then I pulled out my phone and stood in the middle of the street calling you. I called you once and no one picked up; it went straight to your voice mail.
"You've reached Kurt, I'm not here right now. Blaine, baby, if that's you, I'll call you back. Dad, I'll be home soon. Don't bother leaving a message cause you know I won't check it. I love you." That was the first time I ever heard your voice mail, because you always picked up when I called. Always.
November 27
I don't know if I ever told you about the day my grandma died. I know I told you about how much she meant to me though. She was the only person, before I met you, that understood me. She knew I was gay and she still accepted me, even when my own parents struggled to. The day she died was the worst day of my life, besides the day I learned about your death. I hadn't seen her since Christmas, and it was like January something. The 5th, I think. I was in my room when my mom came in and told me. At first I thought it was some kind of sick joke. Then it hit me, but it was like I couldn't feel anything. Like when Burt told me about you. I don't know why I thought of that today. The two days were really similar, I guess.
November 30
It's going on three months and I still can't really believe it. I'm living in denial. You're not dead. You can't be dead. I'm gonna call you and you're gonna pick up and laugh at me because of how worried I sound, and I'm gonna wanna be mad at you for pulling such a fucked up prank but I'm not gonna be because I could never be mad at you.
