I woke up to an odd silence that told me something was wrong. I sat up and looked around the room for James, but he wasn't there.

"James?" I called, my voice bouncing off the walls. "James?" Nothing at all. I got up and went out to the kitchen, thinking he might have been there but ignored me. There was no sign of him. No note or anything. He never just left without letting me know beforehand or leaving me a note. Never. I immediately moved into panic mode. All I could do was pray that he was okay. I went back into the bedroom, and looked on the dresser. No wallet, no keys. I went over to my bedside table, where my phone was charging, and pulled the plug. I dialed James' number and paced around the room waiting for it to connect. It felt like forever while I was waiting for him to pick up. I heard a click, and I knew he picked up, but before he could say anything, I talked first. "James, oh my god, you scared me to death. Where are you?" I demanded.

"Um, hey to you too?" James said, not sure what I meant. "I'm in New York, like I told you last night." What? I thought. I didn't have the slightest clue what he was talking about.

"What? You never told me anything about New York." James was silent for a moment.

"Didn't I tell you last night that I was leaving early this morning to go to New York?" He asked confused. I was frustrated, not to mention angry.

"No James, you didn't," I said, my voice ice cold.
"I could have sworn I did. Maybe I just thought that." He was making this sound like a 'Woops, my bad,' kind of mistake. But in my eyes, it was far from that.

"Maybe you did," I said, my voice growing louder, "Because you sure didn't say anything to me about it."

"Why are you mad?" James asked. Was he serious?

"Maybe because I wake up this morning and you're gone and I have no idea where you are. God I was worried sick about you James," I said, my throat tightening.

"Look, I'm sorry. I'll be back tomorrow night. What else do you want me to do about it?" What happened to my James? He was acting like a jerk; he didn't mean that sorry the way he always said sorry, and he was acting like this was my fault.

"Nothing, I'll see you when you get home," I said, then hung up abruptly. Were we growing apart? He never acted like this. Or did he? Did I even know the person I thought I knew?

No, I can't even think that. I didn't fall in love with a jerk. I didn't get engaged to a jerk. I'm not marrying a jerk. I fell in love with the sweetest guy ever. A guy who made me laugh. A guy who made me feel so good on the inside, making me feel a way I never had before. A guy who, whenever he kissed me, it was just like the first time; a magic of some sort.

So what was going on? I got in the shower, what I always did when I cried, because it made them seem fake with the water running down my face with them. I slid on a t-shirt and sweatpants, then laid down on the bed, pulling the blankets over me. I flipped on the TV and turned it down low, and just laid there in the almost overbearing silence, not wanting to be alone or doubtful. All I could hear in my mind were the worst words I had once had to hear, to come to terms with.

"I-I'm sorry, but I just can't deal with this right now."

I hated that day so much. I thought I lost James forever. Was that going to happen again? I had no idea what to think right now. All I wanted was for James to say sorry sincerely like he always did, and for everything to be okay. Then those words I'd heard so many times on the radio flooded back.

And it might be wonderful,

It might be magical

It might be everything I've waited for,

A miracle.

And if I should ever fall in love again with someone new,

It could never be the way I loved you.

Like a first love,

The one and only true love.

Wasn't it written all over my face?
I loved you like you loved me,

Like something pure and holy.

Like something that could never be replaced.

And it was wonderful.

It was magical.

It was everything I've waited for,

A miracle.

And if I should ever fall in love again with someone new,

It could never be the way.

No, it will never be the way I loved you.

I didn't want to have this be my new theme song if this was over. I couldn't love anyone like I loved James. It just…wasn't possible. I tried when we broke up before, and it wouldn't work.

This WAS wonderful. It WAS magical. It WAS everything I'd waited for. It WAS a miracle. And I couldn't fall in love with anyone else. My one and only heart belonged to James. He would never break it again.

Even though I was starting to see this was just a mistake, I wasn't just going to say I forgave him. We were going to talk this out when he got back, unless he proved himself otherwise.

I lay there all day until about three when I got hungry and went out to the kitchen to get a snack. I was headed back to the bedroom, when I happened to glance over at the living room wall. The one with all our pictures on it. I sighed and walked over to it, staring into the frames, remembering the day. There was one big frame farthest to the left with pictures of James, the guys, Katelyn and myself from the beach about a week ago. James and I wanted pictures, to make our apartment homier, so we spent a day being goofy and taking pictures. I looked up to the top right hand corner, where my favorite picture was. James and I were standing in the ocean, mid-calf deep, standing about a foot apart. We were looking out at the ocean, our backs to the camera, my right and his left hand laced together. But what made the picture special was whoever took this (no one admitted it), took it from a slight distance and didn't tell us. And I'm glad, because if they did, it wouldn't have looked as cute and natural.

That's what we're supposed to be. That right there, in the picture. But a part of me was being stubborn and told me to still wait until he got back. I went back into the bedroom and laid down on the bed again, and checked my phone. One missed call, one voicemail from James. He must have been super busy because if he wasn't, I could guarantee he would have called more than once. I listened to the voicemail.

"It's me," James started sadly; he was upset I didn't pick up. "Please call me back." There was an odd silence, like he couldn't figure out what else to say, then "I love you." And that was it. Even though he meant that I love you, he didn't say sorry. Which is why my final decision was to wait for him to get home tomorrow.

The next night, I was still mad at James, who had only called me one more time hours ago to tell me he was on his way back, and I was in the kitchen cleaning up some stuff when I heard the door shut. I sighed quietly as I thought here we go. I continued straightening up even as James walked in the room.

"Hey," he said hesitantly. I didn't even acknowledge him. He came closer and leaned towards the side of my face to kiss my cheek, but I squirmed away before he could, going over to the sink where my back was to him. I heard him sigh before he said "I'm really sor-"

"You should be sorry James. I mean, you jet off across the country and don't tell me? You didn't leave a note or anything." My throat was tightening, but I tried to keep my tears down for a few more moments.

"I know, and I'm-"

"And then you act like it's my fault I don't know and you were being a jerk and you didn't mean your sorry before," I said loudly. "Do you know how worried I was?" I turned around to look at him, tears brimming over my eyes. "I cannot believe you." I will admit, I came on a little harsh, but I think I had the right to. James opened his mouth to say something, but I scowled at him with a look that meant not now. He turned on his heel and walked towards the bedroom, an upset look on his face. I went and plopped down on the couch, hiding my face in the soft fabric to muffle my cries. I don't know why I was acting like this. It was so out of character for me. I went to bed at about midnight, and James was facing the balcony door, his back to me, his eyes closed. But I knew better than to think he was asleep. I laid down with my back to him, and closed my eyes, but didn't start to doze off until about three thirty, after spending hours trying to figure things out.

7.06. The numbers were burning in red on the digital clock on my nightstand. I wanted to be alone for a while, so I got up and quickly but quietly got dressed. I looked at James before I left, his body moving in and out slightly as he breathed. I sighed, then picked up my bag and phone and went out to the kitchen. I tore a piece of paper off the notepad on the fridge and grabbed a pen.

I'll be back later, I scribbled, please don't call me and please don't worry.

I went over to the coffee pot and put in a new filter and coffee in, then set it for a few minutes before eight, since that's usually when James got up. I put my note next to it, then quietly went out the door. I walked down to Starbucks which was only a few blocks away and got my favorite drink. I just wandered aimlessly, trying to rid my head of all thoughts.

At around noon, I went back to the apartment. I opened the door and I could hear that James was in the kitchen, probably trying to find something to eat. I walked into the kitchen and set my bag down on the counter. James turned his head to look at me, then after staring for a moment, he turned his whole body towards me.

"James, you had me worried sick, which is why I was so mad at you yesterday." I felt tears coming up to my eyes, and this time I didn't push them down. "You're me everything James," I said softly, "And I don't want to lose you, and you scared me." He came over to me, wordlessly, and wrapped his arms around me and held me close. I buried my face in his chest as my cry became a sob.

"I'm sorry," James said softly, and he really really meant it. I took in a few shaky breaths, and he held me tighter. "I love you. Will you please forgive me?" I tried to respond, but I couldn't. I didn't know why exactly I was crying and couldn't control it. "Shh," he whispered, smoothing a hand over my hair. "It's okay." After a few more seconds, I got my tears under control and quietly said "Of course I will. I love you too much to be mad at you." I stayed still for a moment, feeling the warmth of his chest on my face, glad that the boy I loved was holding me as I cried. James rubbed his hand up and down my back, comforting me, letting me know that everything was okay. He kissed the top of my head gently, and I composed myself enough to pull away.