Thanks for the reviews. I actually didn't intend to continue after first chapter, but you guys made me feel like it worth the torture:) And thanks to skywalker05 for every corrected mistake:)
I entered the Main Battery room and Garrus turned to me. Garrus was on Horizon with me. He saw the awful scene there. He'll understand me. My old friend Garrus will support me, right?
"Shepard. Need me for something?"
"Have you got a minute?" I asked.
He cast a quick glance away from me, then said, "Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."
Of course, here I am, preparing to pour out my soul, and he's calibrating. I think those calibrations are some kind of Oroboros, an endless loop with him always in the middle.
"Garrus, please, tell me, just to reassure me – you're actually playing extranet games or reading Batman comics or watching porn, right? Because if you're doing these calibrations all the time every day, it really starts to seem slightly weird."
EDI saved him from needing to answer when she suddenly popped up and said "Commander, warning – the cameras in the Observation Desk have gone off line. I have no information about the reason."
"What the hell... " I muttered, heading to the Observation Desk as fast as I could.
Samara walked out off the Observation Desk, looking less transcendental and much more uncomfortable than usual.
"Samara! Are you alright? What happened?"
"I had... an unforeseen burst of biotic activity."She dropped her eyes and opened the door to the Observation Desk.
"What do you mean – an unfor... Holy balls!"
The Observation Desk was in ruins. There was nothing intact at all. Benches had been rooted out from the floor and splinters of them were scattered all over the room. Walls and windows were scratched severely, apparently by pieces of the bench as if they were whirled by a tornado with wild power.
I closed my mouth and turned to Samara, who looked confounded and started to talk as soon as she met my eyes. "I was meditating as always, Shepard, nothing special. But I suddenly felt a burst of energy. It was only seconds before I restrained myself, and opened my eyes, but everything was already in... that condition. This never happened to me before. I am sorry."
"You mean to say this... just happened? And you don't know why? Come on, Samara, there must be something that provoked it!"
"I did not change anything about my usual routine, Shepard."
"Samara, tell me please, what exactly were you meditating on that lead to... such results? I'm asking not out of curiosity, but because Thane also likes to meditate and there are many guns on the walls in Life Support, so if this happened to him... It could end really badly."
Her eyes suddenly widened. "Tea!"
"Tea? You meditated on tea?"
"No, the taste of the tea today was slightly different. I thought it was just a new sort from Gardner's supplies... "
"A-ha... Alright, Samara, stay here, do not meditate, don't even think about anything deeply." Her face hardened, but she only nodded. It must be offensive to an experienced justicar to be in such a situation. I sighed and said "Sorry, Samara, I'm sure it's not your fault and I will investigate it immediately."
"Thank you, Shepard" she said with her usual dignity and turned to the scratched window.
"Ah, Commander! Would you like to try my... "
"Gardner." I interrupted his cheerful offer and said with ice in my voice, "What did you give to Samara?"
He blinked in surprise. "Are you talking about Professor Mordin's tea? He said it's special tea for asari, and I gave it to the only asari in the ship. She didn't appreciate that?"
"Gardner," I said very coolly. "Who gave Professor Mordin permission to change the menu?"
"Um, nobody, but he's a professor after all, I thought... "
"You had to tell me." I didn't raise my voice, but Gardner took a step back and swallowed. "You shouldn't take anything from anyone. You have a very simple job, Gardner, but it seems you aren't able to perform it."
He opened his mouth, but closed it again when he met my gaze.
"I won't impose a punishment on you in this time, but you must clean out the Observation Desk. I want it to shine, understand?"
He nodded with relief. "Of course, Commander. Thank you, Commander, it won't happen again. And what do you think about some apple pie with dinner?"
Heh, this man can think in the right direction. I raised an eyebrow and smirked.
"I do not mind."
"Shepard. How... "
"Mordin." Mordin was silent for a second, looked up from his computer and stepped forward
"High irritation and severe determination. I suppose my stimulator worked, but not entirely properly. How is Samara?"
"She meditated, and in the process smashed the Observation Desk into pieces. What was the shit you gave her and why the hell are you experimenting on my squad?"
"It wasn't an experiment. I estimated every possible consequence and conducted tests. It seems Samara's justicar powers affect her whole nervous system. How interesting, what if... "
"Mordin!"
"Yes, yes. But nobody has ever received the opportunity to explore a justicar's peculiar properties before. Ah, well, no need to look at me that way, Shepard. Already understood that you don't want to help science."
"What was the stuff you gave her, again?"
"Do you remember Niftu Cal from the Eclipse base?"
"You mean... that drugged volus?!"
"Substance that they used on them had interesting possibilities. But they were ruined by side effects. Slovenly, unprofessional work. But bright idea in basic formula. Remade everything, added some stabilization, removed influence on brain's activity. Tests predicted increased biotic power of 26 percent for two hours."
"Who... who else did you give it to?"
If I cause a little tornado in my sleep, Joker is going to die from laughter before he'll have time to say "biotic goddess".
"Samara only. You rarely take her on missions, she's experienced enough to control herself. And spends most of the time in isolation. Also, justicars... "
"Mordin. I need this justicar, alright? Find another and toy with her."
"Yes, yes, understood. By the way, Shepard. As your personal physician I highly recommend that you discuss your problem with a friend. "
"What?"
"You're tense and nervous. Your usual reactions to even bigger problems are far more patient and humorous. And you used words which you ordinarily consider inappropriate in your speech. Your emotional state is unstable now and it can effect your biotics. I suggest you talk with someone you trust. Don't think I'm offering myself, though. Don't understand cobweb of human feelings."
I wish Tali was here. But she's on some special mission and I don't want to bring Cerberus people into quarian problems. Well, then there is only one person who I can talk to, though he certainly won't be happy about it.
"Jeeeeeff... " I wheedled and smiled ingratiatingly.
Joker turned his head, met my eyes and raised an eyebrow, grinning questioningly. "Yeeees?"
"I'm going to have a personal talk with you and there is no way you can avoid it."
"Well, I'm afraid."
His eyebrow rose higher, and curious sparkles lit up in his eyes. And he smiled, not grinned or smirked as usual. Awww. Can we forget about Kaidan and try to seduce one charming pilot?
He said once on the old Normandy that I eat men's hearts for breakfast without salt and buy weapons with the money from selling the rest of the organs. Too bad, girl, he's not interested in witches.
"You should. Kaidan sent me an e-mail."
The sparkles died out and Joker turned to his console, starting to type furiously.
"I'm sure Chambers would consider her life's purpose fulfilled if you two have girl talk together."
Freaking no, Jeff, you won't send me away with your sarcastic bullshit. It's not my habit to discuss such things with other people, but now I'm really angry, confused... and well, let us be honest, scared to death.
When you spend 18 years of your life in streets and gangs, you get used to taking pleasure where you can. Love just doesn't work for me – the couple of times when I loved someone ended up really, really bad. I think if one day a prince in shining armor came for me, I would run away and hide in some dark pit. Even if I have to kick out Jack of there first.
So I didn't plan anything serious when I started flirting with Kaidan. The way he stared at me in some kind of worshipful hunger since our first meeting made his interest pretty clear. He has a nice body, was quite handsome, smart, loyal and confident. Why in hell no?
But nooo, it's never easy with Kaidan. First, he's all about rank. In deep, I don't really care about status, but for Kaidan it's part of his precious self control. At the beginning I thought that repeating "Commander" in private dialog was sorta driving him mad, and, well, everyone has their own fetishes. But then I learned his whole problem about "non humans", and this started to sound really weird. In every damn conversation he talked about "Jump Zero" and this dead turian. After all, I decided that maybe he could be hot, if you managed to go through all his angsty stuff, but I'm kinda not that patient.
But then Virmire happened. I was forced to choose and I didn't even have a time to think. I knew Ashley's family problem, knew her old shame, I knew it was hunting Ash for her whole life, I knew that she really wanted to rehabilitate her family. I knew she wanted to be a hero. I chose her. It wasn't a cold blooded decision, it was a quick thought, a grain of sand that tipped the scales. I didn't even think about the "relationship" between me and Kaidan, it simply didn't matter.
But then Kaidan yelled at me. He felt guilty and he decided that I saved him because I need him, because there was something between us. He started to look at me with those doggy eyes, tried to comfort me when the Council turned me down. What was I supposed to say him? – No, Kaidan, you don't mean something serious to me, I let her die because she wanted to whitewash the reputation of her family, and I never had a family at all, so who I am to judge her? I was already feeling like shit about Ashley, so I didn't want to feel like shit about Kaidan too. I let him believe what he wanted. I thought it could wait until all this mess with Saren ended. But then I died.
When he yelled at me on Horizon, I felt relief. I felt free, I thought he made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. But then he wrote this letter. He's going to pop up someday with his doggy eyes, and my complex of responsibility for the whole universe – and you can't save the galaxy without this complex – will tell me that Kaidan needs me and it's my fault. And I'm gonna feel like a total shit when I turn him down.
"I don't want this Cerberus 'oh, I didn't have it in your dossier, I must make a note' girl, I want you."
I want you to understand me, to say something really sarcastic about it, to make me stop feeling like I'm in a trap... to make me think that there is someone in this damn world who cares about what I feel and not because it will affect my biotics.
"Come on, Joker, you're my closest friend here. Just pretend you're listening for a while, okay?"
He sighed heavily and said, still not turning to look at me, "Must I borrow that sexy jacket from a certain assassin so you can comfortably cry on my chest?"
I took that as an assent.
"You know, I didn't put a gun to his head and make him say ''I love you". I never claimed to have serious feelings. And now he writes that I was everything to him! What does he know about me? I actually talked the most to Wrex, if we aren't counting you. But he confessed his feelings, and what is he doing? I mean, when you love somebody, doesn't it mean you trust that person? And when your beloved in a really bad situation, especially one not even brought about by her own will, don't you have to not judge her and not yell and poke fingers at her nose, but... support her, don't you? You must always be around, watch her back, make her feel better-- not just constantly complain about your dramatic past. And certainly your reputation must be the last thing you worry about. You must follow her to hell and back, even if you're the only one she can trust in the company of crazy murderers, you must do impossible things for her without complaining or asking for a reward. I mean, love is such a rare thing, and when he talks about it, it sounds like mockery. Joker, can you understand me?"
Wait, this all sounds strangely familiar... as if I know a man who exactly matches this description...
"Of-course-Commander-I-understand, by the way, where are those unlucky asses that you're gonna kick next?"
...Aaaand he sits right in front of me and desperately tries to change the subject.
Wait, wait! He's there because he can fly the Normandy. But... he didn't know that he'd get her until the very last moment. But he pretty much knew about Cerberus and the nasty stuff that they did. And still, he agreed to come. They let him fly, huh? He's the damn best, I'm sure every legal and illegal organization would be happy to have him. And he was grounded for two years, two years for a man who basically lives in a pilot's chair, who spends his whole life among ships. C'mon, ships are his life. So, I suppose, losing me meant something for him.
"Joker... " I began slowly, but stopped. What can I ask – "Gee, Joker, it just kinda strikes me that you maybe have feelings for me, what da ya say 'bout it?"
He still didn't look at me and he'd been pressing one button already for five minutes. He didn't say anything – sarcastic or not about my speech. The way he becomes more snarky when I return from especially dangerous missions – and I know, his mordancy increases when he's nervous. This is Joker after all, you must look not at what he said, but at what he did. And he did everything that I was talking about. So, I think, he really cares, yeah?
Where were my eyes all this time?
Well, death and saving the galaxy kinda distracted me. And it was just a few days for me, not two years, and Joker remained unchanged – he was still smart ass and light hearted. I can imagine how much it cost him, but I still took his loyalty for granted. I thought of him as my pilot, not the Alliance's, since we hijacked the Normandy. So, I'm with Cerberus now, but of course Joker's here, what do you mean, he has his own life? Girl, you can be so blind sometimes.
So, what now? Shall we try?
Once, in the old Normandy, I sat in the co pilot's chair after some helluva mission, absolutely exhausted, and listened to how Joker was grumbling about engineers who did something wrong to the Normandy. He was pissed off, ruffled and extremely sarcastic, but I suddenly thought "Hey, if he were around always, that would be nice." It was such a strange thing to think that I was freaked out by myself. I haven't thought anything like that since my first love. Well, I was pretty sure that Joker wasn't going to sell me to batarian slavers, but I still didn't like to get accustomed to anyone. But now I've lost almost everything and everyone, and he is still around, and it's still nice. It must mean something, right?
Joker cast a worried look at me. Oh, right, I was just standing here and staring at the back of his head-- must say something already.
"Umgh, Tuchanka. Course for Tuchanka."
"Roger that, Commander."
"So well, thanks for listening. I should go."
"See you then..." He said this with a strangely questioning intonation. Ugh, can I say this? Pretty please, can I say this?.. Alright, make him jump.
"Sure, m'boy."
