Author's note: I did steal a little bit from Gillian Anderson somewhere in this, but it was too perfect for the scene. Anyway, credit where credit's due, Gillian is an amazing writer as well as actress, director, activist, and woman.
Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed my story. Your opinions are always welcome!
Take Me Home Again
Chapter 3. William
Scully sat down on the bench outside the house, on the white porch. Mulder followed her with two plates, returning to the kitchen to get their drinks. The food really looked great and Scully suddenly felt hungry. He was right, she hadn't eaten much. As they ate in silence, both of them pondered the future.
Looking out over the porch and fields surrounding the house made Scully feel at peace. She had always adored the little cabin, the freedom it stood for, hard to find if you didn't know where to look but standing proud between the bushes and trees once you came close. The road leading up to it was barely there anymore, resembling a dirt path more than it did a road. The only times she had wished they lived in the city had been when the weather had gotten really bad. The electricity would blow out, hot water would be a luxury and it always took a couple of days before everything was back to normal. But nonetheless this house was perfect. And sitting here, with Mulder, again after so long felt nice. It felt.. Almost normal. She glanced over at him and found him staring into the distance, probably thinking much of the same. He met her eyes and smiled. 'More coffee?' She shook her head, 'No thanks, Mulder. I'm fine.'
He nodded. 'I'm going to get more.' He stood and passed her, his hand stealing a touch of her knee as he walked past her towards the door. Her eyes followed him, smiling sadly.
As Mulder walked inside, he looked back at Scully. She shivered slightly and folded her arms across her chest. He sighed. She was going through so much and he didn't know how to take the pain away. He wanted to, he desperately wanted to but they just didn't have the connection they had once had anymore. No, that wasn't true, the connection was there but he had forgotten how to use it. He decided to try to learn again.
Collecting a blanket from the couch he poured a coffee and a glass of water and carried everything outside to her. He handed her the blanket wordlessly and she smiled at him, openly, for the first time since forever. 'Thank you.'
He sat down again and nodded. 'You're welcome. We should go for a walk today, Scully, just clear your head for a little bit. It's still beautiful around here.'
She looked at him. 'That's a nice idea, I'd like that. As soon as my headache goes down, all right? I shouldn't have taken the pills on an empty stomach, I hope the pancakes help.'
He nodded. 'There's no rush, I'm fine just sitting here all day. I do that a lot you know, when I'm not working, just sit here. Sit here and listen to the birds.' She frowned a little, he never used to sit on the porch and listen to birds. She'd have to force him to go outside with her, see the light of day, even when he wasn't working. Thankfully that seemed to have changed. 'That's good, Mulder. The fresh air is good for you.' 'I know,' he answered. 'I never really appreciated it before, you know.' Before you left, he had meant to say, but he had decided against it.
She knew. She could still almost read his mind, so she knew what he'd meant to say. She let it go though because there was just so much going on in her read right now.
'Mulder, would it be ok if I stayed here for a couple of nights?' she suddenly asked. She hadn't meant to ask, but sitting here she knew it would help her. She could collect some clothes and toiletries from her apartment downtown and she'd be set. She really had nothing binding her to her own place.
'Of course, Scully,' he answered softly. 'I told you already. You don't need to ask. You never need to ask.' He reached over the table for her hand and she gave it to him, entwining their fingers. She felt him squeeze her hand softly and she lowered her eyes. 'Mulder.. it's too much. It's all too much.'
'I know,' he said. 'You'll get through it. You will, you can get through anything.' He had been shocked at some of the things he'd seen her undergo, without giving up, without letting go. She was the strongest person he knew, there was nothing in this world that could break her. But he feared that everything that had happened, all of it combined, was doing a pretty good job of breaking down her wall, the wall that kept her up, the wall that kept her distanced from her real feelings. He wanted to help her work through it, because he'd seen that wall break down a couple of times over the years and he knew that she would deal with it alone if she had to, but he didn't want her to. He needed to be there if she broke.
Scully knew it as well. She felt like she was drowning, drowning in feelings. Emotions. So much had happened to her in her life, and she had tried to give everything its own space within the vastness of her brain. However, lately so many boxes had been opened and so much emotion had been called to the surface that she really didn't feel like she had any control anymore.
'Maybe you need to see someone, like a doctor,' Mulder suggested. 'You know, to talk about everything.'
'I don't need a shrink, Mulder,' Scully answered. 'I'll be fine.'
'I know, I just thought, you know, with William and everything.. I just thought it might help. If you want to talk to someone about everything there are people for that.' She sighed, pulled back her hand and folded her arms across her chest. He knew it was a defensive posture, shielding herself from him. 'I can deal with it. I've been thinking about him a lot lately, but he's always been there. It was my last and only chance, Mulder. Our last chance at a family.'
He nodded. 'Yeah, but it's not your fault. We did what was best for him. You know that too, right?' She bowed her head and again it hurt him to see her so small, so fragile. 'We did the right thing. But we'll never see him, never know him. He's our child, Fox. And we don't even know what he looks like.'
'You have the picture, don't you? That's what he looks like, Dana. That's what we'll remember him like, he was happy and beautiful and our son. Remember him like that.'
Scully stood, pushed the blanket off her and went down the steps of their porch into the grass. She leaned against the railing. 'I can't help but wonder, Mulder,' she said, not meeting his eyes but keeping them on the dirt road in front of her. 'What he is like, what he's doing, how he's doing in school. What his favorite subjects are, you know, stupid stuff like that.'
'I think he's awesome, Scully. He loves biology, probably history too. And science. And he builds stuff, you know, robots, airplanes. His dad will have taught him that.'
'So you think of him as well,' she said softer this time but he heard her. Joining her in the grass he put his hands on her shoulders, making her look at him. 'Yes, Scully. I think about him a lot. But it's different for you, you gave birth to him.'
'He's your son too, Mulder,' she whispered and her voice broke, tears welling up again. She hated herself for crying so much but she knew it wasn't a weakness. 'He's our son and we won't get to be there for his life.'
'We can't, Dana. He has to be kept safe. He's different and different is dangerous. Please tell me you won't go looking for him.'
She finally gave in to the tears, and Mulder pulled her close. 'I know I can't look for him, but that's what makes it hard,' she said into his chest. 'I'm afraid I will never find out if he looks like you. Or like me.'
William had been an absolute miracle, conceived probably during one of their first nights together. She shouldn't be able to conceive and they hadn't even considered it because the in vitro attempt had been a failure and that had been with actual fertile ova. Her pregnancy had been the last thing on their minds when she had gotten sick and Mulder had been abducted, because it just wasn't within the realm of possibility. Hearing the news was one of the hardest things Scully had ever gone through. Not knowing what was happening to her had made her afraid of the future, especially if she had to face it without Mulder by her side. She had cried a lot, but she had also realized the miracle that she had been blessed with. A chance to always have a piece of Fox close to her. She didn't have any DNA tests done, she didn't have any doubts. It was the only way this could be real. But it had been so difficult, hearing two life-changing things in one day, one horrible, one impossibly beautiful. She had tried to tell him about her experience in the hospital, before, during and after Walter Skinner's visit, but she just couldn't explain the feelings to him. They would always be hers, and this was the same. A mother's feelings for her child, that was something she couldn't explain to him.
He held her close as he felt her tighten her arms around him as well. He knew she struggled with this, and he again just wished he could help her but he didn't know how. He missed William too, he wondered about the life of his son too. Most of all, he regretted not being with Scully when she found out, during the pregnancy and not being there when their son was born. He had had it relatively easy, not really getting to know William before Scully had been forced to give him away. She had actually had the time to make a connection with their son, even though he'd seen it in her eyes that first time she'd proudly presented their son to him. Scully was a great mom. But after everything there was just no way they could ever have a family.
And of course, somewhere deep down he blamed himself. He had gotten her into all of this. Which is a part of why he had overreacted so much five years ago, his depression, everything he had been through and everything he had put her through had just become too much. Being alone had not helped him at first, he had been miserable and he had tricked himself into thinking she was better off without him. However after a while he had tried to turn himself around. Hearing and reading about her progress in the medical field, seeing her sometimes made him want to be with her again. But he knew he needed to change in order to make it happen. And then fate had brought them together and he had almost screwed it up again, but this time she had been even stronger as well, seeking him out again and again even when he had almost gone off on a conspiracy theory she couldn't follow. Only this time she had found evidence. Evidence that had changed them, the dynamic that was their relationship. Alien DNA. He knew that they would be tested now more than ever, and he wanted to be there with her when it happened.
So now they were here, outside their house once again, her body in his arms and he needed it to last.
'Scully, I need you with me,' he said into her hair. She pulled back a little and took his hand, starting down the sandy road towards the back of the house. There was a little forest there and she really liked the sound of the birds and other little animals there. She'd even seen some deer there on a few occasions, and it always helped her relax when she walked through those woods. He followed her, knowing exactly where she was going, he knew it was her favorite spot. 'I'm serious, Scully. We can move to the city but I really need you with me again.'
'We don't have to move, Mulder. I love this house, I always have.' She didn't answer his question though, her emotions were too raw. She had experienced so many last chances that she didn't want to say it to him, but this would be their last chance to make it work. She didn't have it in herself to walk away again. She didn't want to.
They entered the woods and Scully smiled, taking the lead. 'It hasn't changed a bit.' 'No,' Fox answered, letting her off the hook for not answering him. 'It's still all the same. And it will be until someone comes here with some heavy machinery to take it down. This place won't go down easy.' She looked back at him and he smiled. 'Just like us, Scully.'
They walked for over an hour, through the woods and across the fields. On the way they talked about their lives alone, how they had found it, what they had learned. They also talked about Scully's mom and about how she felt with everything going on. Scully admitted to being overwhelmed and her headache hadn't gone down, so they decided to head back towards the house. Once they were back on the porch, Scully sighed. 'I'm going to drive into town to collect some of my things. I'd like very much to stay here for now, if that's all right.'
Fox nodded. 'Of course. Want me to go with you?' 'No, I'll be fine,' she answered. 'Do you need me to pick anything up when I'm in town?' He did need to get groceries but he'd get them while she was away. 'No, thanks. Hey Scully? Don't pack light.' She put a hand to his cheek before going into the house to collect her keys and bag. 'I won't.'
It wasn't an answer, and it wasn't a promise. But it was hope and Mulder would take it any way he could. He smiled and stood on the porch as he watched her drive off. So maybe they weren't perfect, but no one was. Together though they came pretty close.
Scully entered her apartment and dropped her bag heavily on the floor. She hadn't been here in four days, staying at the hospital and in a hotel room during the case. She threw her coat on the floor and started cleaning out the fridge, a lot of things had gone off and the smell was the first thing she wanted to get rid of. After that, she put the garbage out and only then did she start to think about what she wanted to pack. She would be staying at the house for now, probably going back on cases, so she needed everything. Literally everything.
As she started sorting and packing her clothes for the next few days she realized she was alone for the first time in days. Ever since Mulder and herself had been called to the Trashman case she had been by his side, or with him close to her, except for when she was in the hospital before he followed her. She hadn't asked him to come but deep down she had known he would. Little things like that were what had her confused, they knew each other so well, better than they knew themselves she thought. Why couldn't they make their relationship work?
She sat down on her bed, sighing. Tears stung behind her eyes again, but she refused to let them fall. Why was it that when she was with Mulder she'd cry to let it out, but here, alone she was trying to keep her tears in check? She really didn't know. And she realized that there was so much that she didn't have an answer to. Was that a bad thing? These days people were used to getting answers to everything. But some mysteries, some questions in life would always go unanswered. Maybe it was time she accepted that. Just as she should accept that them, Mulder and Scully, was something beyond their personal feelings. Too much had happened between them to just keep being stubborn and to keep away from each other. Because frankly, she was certain that neither of them really wanted their lives to be what they were before they had been reunited.
As she finished packing her first bag she contemplated filling another. She easily could, but what would that mean? She'd feel like she was moving back in and she wasn't ready for that. So she decided to take a second bag anyway but fill it with files and stuff she would need for work, at the hospital or on their X-files.
She called her brother Bill to tell him where she'd be staying and informing him where the urn containing their mother's ashes was. She knew Bill was probably too busy to care anyway but she found it her duty to inform him. Bill just agreed and didn't say much else apart from asking her why she would want to be living with Mulder right now. Like Bill said, 'he has only complicated everything from the beginning.' Scully started to disagree but she stopped herself, knowing she would get nowhere with her brother anyway. Hanging up the phone she sighed. They hadn't seen much of each other lately, Bill being busy with work in Germany and her not taking the time to contact him. She didn't feel sorry though, knowing that Bill could have contacted her any time he wanted. Bill disagreed with a lot of Dana's choices and frankly she didn't care. They were, in the end, her life and her decisions. But now that her mother was gone she felt an emptiness, a net that was gone. Whenever she had doubted herself, her choices or whenever she had needed help she had always called or gone to her mom. That was gone now. She would have to figure it out all by herself from now.
Closing her bags up she walked towards the door, looking back around her place. She had lived here for three years now, upscaling after a promotion two years into hers and Mulders separation. It was a nice apartment, luxurious, almost shamefully spacious for one person to live in, but it was hers. Her alone-time, her private space. To give this up would be difficult and she knew she had grown a lot here as a person, so committing to a new start with Mulder was especially hard for her. More so now than before, because having Mulder around again had stirred so much inside of her that she'd come here to deal with. She'd sat here, thinking of their time together, their cases, the abductions, near-death experiences, death experiences, their nights together, and her pregnancy. Their child.
She remembered something, going to one of her drawers. Opening it and moving a box that was inside, she looked at a baby picture of their son. William, who she didn't know. She had given birth to him, had screamed and fought for his life but now, she had no idea where he was. She had stopped dreaming of him a little while ago, which had brought on the terrifying thoughts: was she forgetting about him? Was he slowly going to fade from her memory? But those thoughts had done exactly the opposite for her, and on one hand Dana was happy to think about their son, but on the other, it hurt so much to think about what she'd done.
She took the picture from the bottom of the drawer and put it safely away in her wallet. Collecting the last of her things, refilling her toiletry bag and grabbing her laptop she exited her place, locking the door behind her, and got back into her car.
Mulder, in the meantime, had made good use of the time alone. He had done the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, restocked on everything and made the bed. He found himself a little nervous for her return, so he decided to sit outside in the sun to calm his nerves. It helped a little, until he heard her car approach. She still had the same car and it made the same sounds. He knew those sounds. Somehow that proved something to him, it proved that she wasn't gone too far from his life to get her back.
She came around the corner, drove straight past the house and parked behind it, next to his car. Having spotted him on the porch she knew he was waiting for her and inwardly she smiled. Walking back around the house carrying her bags she laughed when he wanted to help. 'Mulder, I'm fine. I can carry my own bags.' 'Ok,' he answered, helping her anyway, opening the door for her. Two bags, he saw and he made a mental note. Two. Not just one, she could easily have packed one, but no. She didn't.
After the bags had been put inside, he made lunch. He knew it was past lunchtime with it being 2 pm but he also knew she probably hadn't eaten. Sandwiches with cheese, tomatoes and lettuce were presented to her on a plate and she took them gratefully, sitting on the couch. He took his place across from her in a comfy chair, and they sat quietly eating their food. After she'd finished, she took their plates and put them on the kitchen counter on autopilot, not even thinking about her actions. Pouring two cups of coffee she handed one to him before sitting down. 'How are you with all this, Mulder?' she asked, not really sure what she was asking him. 'I'm good, Scully. You know, everything has changed, but change is good,' he answered. 'At least sometimes, change is good.' She accepted his answer, thinking that it was only true if you believed in a path that was laid out for you from the beginning. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen? Is there a reason to the decisions we make? Is the path we take in life our own making or simply one into which we drift, with our eyes closed to the possibilities? Is there only one right path, and if so, is it this one?
'You know, I have this picture of him,' Mulder said suddenly while standing up. He moved towards his desk. 'Of William. I keep it here to remind me of what he looked like, you know, because I didn't know him for long.' Dana smiled sadly. She had taken that away from him as well. The chance to even know his son. As Mulder opened a box that was on the desk she moved on the couch to make room for him. She could see by the look in his eyes that he really did struggle with the thoughts of William as well.
Fox took the picture out of the wooden box, a picture of a baby boy looking up at the camera with big eyes. Her eyes. He walked back over to the couch, this time taking his place next to her. He handed her the picture. 'This is the only photo I've got,' he whispered.
Scully looked at him, then back at the picture. 'Fox..' she whispered. 'It's.. I have the same picture.' She looked so vulnerable, so hurt, that he could only put his arm around her and pull her into him. He felt her start to shake a little, a sign that she was about to cry. 'It's ok, Dana. We didn't fail him,' he whispered back but he didn't know if he believed it himself. 'You didn't fail him,' he added, a lot more certain. 'You didn't.' She sobbed into his chest, still looking at the picture. 'Then why do I feel like this?' Looking at the picture, the same one that was in her wallet, she felt the pain deeper than before. Looking at the picture she saw their son, looking up at the camera with big beautiful eyes. His eyes.
Fox held her as she worked through the pain, tears in his own eyes being held back only by his feelings for Scully. 'You know we have to let him go,' he whispered into her hair. 'There has to be an end, Scully. We have to start again some time.' She nodded into him. 'I don't want to forget,' she whispered back. 'I don't ever want to forget.'
'We won't,' Fox said softly. 'We'll never forget about him, Scully. I know that. But we have to try and let go a little. We did what we absolutely had to do to ensure his safety. It was the only way.'
She knew he was right, so she didn't say anything. Sitting here, on their couch, with the picture of their son between them she felt like maybe, just maybe there was hope in this universe. If she was meant to see William again some day, she would see him again. If she was meant to live with these mysteries unsolved then she'd find a way to do so, with Mulder by her side.
Fox was thinking the same thing. Not having been there for so many firsts had almost killed him, but then too he had done what had to be done. He had survived. He found a little comfort in knowing that their son had known his mother, the most amazing woman in the world, and that that woman had done the bravest thing ever, she had given away a part of herself to make sure that part could survive. He felt her pain, maybe a little less intensely because of his absence, but he felt it nonetheless. He did, however, want to believe that they could work through this. To make a place in their minds for this, to keep William's memory with them at all time but to learn how to function with that presence. Just like they had learned to function with everything else that life had dealt them. That he had dealt her. He knew that she would need time, and he would too. He would try to help her to stop fighting their future. Having her back in this house felt like the best first step towards whatever that future would be for them. But Fox Mulder knew one thing. William would be a part of that future, if only in their minds. And Dana Scully would be a part of that future. Without a singular doubt did he know that Dana Scully would forever be a part of his future.
