Chapter 3: Everyone I know goes away in the end

Rodney closed his eyes to block out the horrific sight that had permanently burned itself into his consciousness. He swallowed hard to keep breakfast from making a reappearance and leaned back until his back was flat against the cool metal plating of the pier.

Everything after making contact with the rescue team was a blur of jumbled moments. The team had landed within seconds of hearing his plea; thank god for Lorne's piloting skills and determination to get through the gate to his stranded compatriots. Rodney made a mental note to thank the man for his attempt. While anyone else on Atlantis would have risked life and limb to ensure their commanding military officer would return, there was a certain persistence and dedication that Lorne brought to everything his did that yielded results unlike anyone else, except Sheppard.

Someone had pulled him off of Sheppard's prone body and it must have been Teyla because Rodney doubted Ronan would have been the one whispering gentle reassurances in his ear as Keller engaged in a losing battle to save the man bleeding to death. All the degrees in the world and the only one that had a chance of saving his friend was one in voodoo, one that Rodney had never bothered to venture towards. The only thing he had done well in that scenario was get his friend killed.

"… charging paddles to three hundred. Everyone clear!"

Thump.

"Still nothing. I'm going to go again. Clear."

The image replayed in his head every night muddied with the horror that occurred on the jumper.


The jumper shook a little as Lorne initiated some maneuvers to avoid the relatively harmless fire being directed at them from far below on the ground by the Genii. Keller, though not satisfied with Sheppard's status had gotten a tentative heartbeat back and had the marines place him on a back board and rush into the safety of the jumper. It was a ten minute journey to the gate but every second threatened death for the Colonel.

McKay couldn't tear his eyes off the prone form which was hooked up with an impressive amount of wires considering they hadn't made it back to the infirmary yet. He practically fell over from his spot seated on the floor next to Sheppard, when the man suddenly sucked in a painfully sounding and sudden deep breath.

Wild green eyes darted around the rear compartment. He pulled frantically at the straps securing him to the back board as he ineffectually twisted his head, frantically searching for something, someone.

Rodney's breath caught in his throat as Sheppard's gaze locked onto him. There was a look of desperation on his friend that made the ground disappear from under McKay; a haunted look that pulled at his soul and he was helpless to erase it from a face that should never look so lost and so lonely.

"Sorry." It was a simple word spoken so quietly Rodney had to strain to hear it. McKay was lost as Sheppard broke out in a litany of 'sorry.'

Despite Keller's attempts to sooth the panicking man, she could not quiet his broken words.

Rodney scooted as close as he could in the confined space, careful of the medical equipment. He slotted his hand into Sheppard's. The Colonel's rapidly twisting fingers grasped onto his with a death grip.

Sheppard tried to say something, only to have it cut short under a mouthful of blood. Rodney leaned in closer trying to make out the words his friend was desperate to get out. He flinched at the wet hacking sound the man made before his broken voice managed, "Please don't leave."

The fingers in Rodney's hand went slack as Sheppard's eyes rolled in the back of his head. John had the same lost and terrified look that Madison did when she thought Rodney had left her at the mall. He silently prayed he's get the chance to see the same relief his niece had expressed when she realized McKay had only stepped around the corner when she had apparently looked away for a moment.

His view was blocked as one of the medics sprung into action.


There it was. Some deep seeded fear that lived with John every day and it had taken some toxin from a damn flower to expose the man's carefully kept secret to the world. The 'we leave no man behind' was a motto and lifestyle to the Colonel not only because he believed it wholeheartedly but because was terrified he would be forgotten somewhere with no hope of seeing his friends and family again. It was hope that had driven him through every death-defying stunt and desire to protect the people he had embraced as family.

All the man had been looking for was some reassurance and Rodney had been too blind to see it. All those IQ points and he couldn't elevate himself above being petty or rise above the childish behaviour John had thrown at him, that wasn't even the man's fault. Rodney still felt numb to it all just as he had three weeks ago as he stumbled mindlessly out of the infirmary after hearing Keller's report.

John had taken two bullets in the gut and hadn't said anything. That's not true, thought Rodney as he scrunched up his face in disgust. John had tried to tell him, several times in fact, but Rodney's anger and ego had gotten the better of him again and he hadn't wanted to hear what a bad plan it was one more time. Especially with the Genii bearing down on them and the slightest sound would tip them off as to their prey's location.

Two bullets and Rodney had told him to shut up.

He wined and complained for days over splinters in an effort to remind people what he had to endure in all the craziness the expedition offered. Sheppard had had a real problem, a real reason to make some noise and he stopped because Rodney had order him to. He had stopped because he was afraid Rodney would have gotten mad and left him behind. There was seriously someone in that man's past that deserved a solid right hook to the face at the very least for seeding that fear in Sheppard.

Teyla and Ronan kept it together, cool under pressure. They got to the gate, kept each other from serious harm and brought back reinforcements. Keller had stepped up like a pro. She had ventured into the fray and did everything she could have for Sheppard but John hadn't been counting on them, he had been counting on Rodney to handle things; to step up when some foreign toxin was robbing him of everything that made him, him.

The Colonel had placed his trust in someone who talks incessantly about things he knows others don't understand or care about yet couldn't just humour Sheppard when the man wasn't in control; which must have been horrible in its own right. Patience, something everyone offered Rodney who navigates social graces like a barrel over a waterfall, failed to offer it to others. Rodney believed his short comings were few but apparently they were in the areas that mattered most, that impacted the people he had come to think of as family the most.

"McKay?" the presence asked tentatively.

Rodney flinched, turning to see who had decided to disturb his quiet introspection. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you," answered Sheppard with his hands in his pocket, looking as though his presence might be a hindrance more than a blessing.

"You shouldn't be here, you can't be here," he offered mildly, not wanting the moment to actually end but not entirely sure he wanted to experience it. He'd wanted the chance to speak to John again but now he felt as though there was nothing he could say that would make it better, change what happened.

"Why not?" John asked sitting almost within reach.

"Cause you're..." The words died in his throat. It was almost too painful to give them life.

"What Keller doesn't know won't hurt me," interjected John with a grimace. The sheer effort just to get there had been painful in and of itself, but the empty space between them had been worse. "Besides, I was going a little stir crazy being stuck in the infirmary and since there's cautious talk about letting me go to my quarters tomorrow… I figured a little walk couldn't hurt."

The both fell into a long silence as they stared out at the ocean before them. What use to be described as comfortable was now filled with tension and unsureness. Sheppard had been on death's door for days and when he tentatively started showing signs of life, Rodney found it too difficult to watch, to be reminded of everything John still had to suffer on the road to recovery because of him. McKay had made himself scarce, not wanting to add to the man's burden or worse believe he was going to make any sort of recovery only to have that hope yanked away by some all too probable complication.

"I want to apologise."

Rodney glanced over in shock at not only the break in silence but what John had said. "For what?"

John looked uncomfortable for a moment as he tried to find the words to elaborate on what he had been dwelling on for the last few weeks. "I should have... I wasn't... You needed me and I... I failed."

"I don't know about that. I'm alive aren't I?" Rodney managed as he shook his head to try and process what John was saying. Of all the things he thought the Colonel would want to say, 'I'm sorry' wasn't on the list. Of course his list included more yelling and name calling; all of which Rodney believed he deserved.

"I essentially left you out there alone to deal with armed men in a situation that's not exactly in your wheel house. It's my job to protect the members of this expedition in situations like that and I forced you to be the one to figure it out," confessed Sheppard, looking like Rodney felt.

"You didn't do it by choice. And it wouldn't have happened at all if I had just gotten out of the way in the first place so really this is all… my fault?" The word was correct but it still felt foreign in Rodney's mouth.

"You did good out there Rodney. Saved my life…"

"You almost died because I told you to shut up. None of this would have happened if it wasn't for me. You trusted me and look what I did with it again. This was worse than a solar system."

"We're both here Rodney. I'd call that a win."

"I just did what I thought you would do, albeit without the same success."

"But it worked, so thank you," John said sincerely.

After a moment Rodney asked, "We're good right? You and me?

"Yeah."

"Good. Thank you John."

Rodney took a moment to make a silent resolution. He had gotten a second chance to be a better brother to Jeanie and now he had a second chance to try and be a better human, a better friend. A person just didn't that many second chances if any in their life, especially when life sucking aliens were a reality. He promised himself he was going to do better by these people, better by those few souls that decided Rodney was worth having as a friend. The awkward silence that had woven its embrace around them dissolved in the warm light of day and the pair resumed their enjoyable silence that fell as they soaked in the beauty of the city they loved.

The end.


Thank you to everyone that read this story and those that decided to review.

Special thanks to pisces317 for a wonderful beta job!

Chapter titles and story title from Lyrics to Hurt-Johnny Cash