I uploaded a quick pale JohnKat fic on AO3 if you care to seek it out. I think I mentioned this, but my name over there is xDemon_Talex. In the meantime, though, I hope you enjoy this chapter! It sure is a lot easier posting this over here, where I don't have to deal with formatting pesterlogs. Granted, it looks worse, but still.
Happy reading!
Chapter 3: John: Strike a Deal
When Dave finally found Karkat, it wasn't because he saw him. Rather, it was because he heard him. The guy was practically rampaging through the forest, cracking branches, tearing down vines, crunching dried leaves beneath his feet. He was running at what seemed like top speed back towards his house, and the sound of his haste sent a prickle of alarm straight down Dave's spine.
He resisted leaping out to see him, settling on flitting through the trees above to make sure nothing happened as he headed home. The troll was obviously shaken quite badly, if his rather clumsy romp through the glen had anything to say about the situation. Dave couldn't get close enough to see his eyes clearly without alerting him, but what he could see appeared wide and panicky, almost glazed with fear. He was running from something. Was he running from something?
A branch snapped, and Dave bristled with alarm when he saw Karkat take a nasty tumble, landing hard on his shoulder. He very nearly darted down to help him, then, but reminded himself that it would probably just hurt worse if he tried to talk to him again.
Karkat hissed out a pained breath as he pulled himself to his feet, letting out a string of strangled cuss words as he grasped at his ankle. He must have twisted it when he tripped.
So what, am I just going to ignore him for the rest of my life?
The troll was struggling to his feet now, leaning harshly on the nearest tree as he placed his foot gingerly upon the ground. He cursed again.
He's hurt himself. Dave's fingers twitched as he had to stop himself from reaching out to someone that wasn't his anymore. Hell, Karkat had never really been his—they'd never defined their relationship, after all. They'd just kinda cuddled on the couch watching movies and followed each other around all day like a pair of lost puppies, falling over each other excitedly. They hadn't even kissed.
Karkat finally managed to get his balance back. But as he continued picking his way through the forest, he had a visible limp. Not a bad one—it was obvious he hadn't hurt himself too severely—but it was still there, like an obnoxious gnat flitting about a computer screen.
He was fine. He didn't need help. Dave lowered his arms back to his sides, drifting after the troll listlessly. It was a miracle he hadn't been seen, but Karkat seemed distracted to say the least. He wondered what had messed him up so badly. He'd have to make John pester him about it later, just to make sure nothing terrible had happened.
Or he could ask him himself, but…
Karkat stumbled again. He didn't fall, but his eyes were still wide and scared, and his entire body shook with light, terrified tremors.
He wasn't fine. He needed help. He reached for his pocket, preparing to pull out his phone and order John to pester Karkat now. But then he stopped, realizing that he knew exactly what his response would be.
Dave, you're right there! Just talk to him!
And maybe he wouldn't have much of a choice but to talk to him in person, because Karkat didn't have his computer on him so pestering him wouldn't do any good.
He'd forgotten about that.
Karkat was almost home now. If he reached his hive and shut himself away again, that would be that—Dave was sure he wouldn't have the courage to go knocking on his door. He had to do this now, if he was going to do it at all.
He inhaled deeply. Exhaled slowly. He was Dave Strider. He was the coolest of the cool. And he could do this. Talk to Karkat. Don't get overly emotional. Don't get sucked into an argument. Don't reveal the big truth of why you ran away.
Simple.
Dave dropped out of the sky like a stone, plopping himself down right in front of Karkat. "Hey, Karkles, it's been a while—hey!" He gasped, ducking under the fist the troll swung his way. "Watch it, dude!"
Karkat jerked away as if he'd been burned. His teeth were bared, eyes hard as steel, a low growl starting in the back of his throat. His hands even came up, claws bared as if in preparation to shred whoever was in front of him. But then he paused, took in the appearance of the person standing before him—and though his posture deflated for a second, his irritability was back in the blink of an eye, filling every line of his scrappy form. "Oh," he sneered, "it's you. What the fuck do you want, you bulgegargling shitbiscuit?"
The cussing didn't faze him. He'd practically lived with Karkat in his room on the meteor; he'd gotten used to being called a litany of foul names. "Lookin' a bit pale there, dude," he said coolly, choosing to ignore the question. "Saw you trip and hurt your ankle back there, too. You doing okay?"
The troll's answering defensiveness was almost palpable. "I'm fucking fine, got it? So fuck off and leave me alone like you've been doing all these months already!"
He had to act quickly to hide a wince. Karkat was really that upset with him, huh? Shunning him, cold and unfeeling. But then again, he deserved it. He was the one that had fled the scene without so much as goodbye. "Hey, cool down! I was just making sure you were okay, but it's cool if you want to walk the rest of the way back to your house on that ankle of yours."
"It doesn't even hurt!" was the fiery response. "Now get the fuck out of my way! I'm not interested in hashing out our shitty relationship problems right now!"
Dave didn't move a muscle, choosing instead to lean his shoulder into the tree to his right, blocking Karkat's path. "Not happening, Karkles. Not until you tell me why you came tearing through the forest looking like Lord English himself was hot on your heels."
Karkat shuddered, and Dave considered too late that maybe that comment had stricken a little too close to home. Karkat was the only one of the remaining people that had seen Lord English up close, after all, even if it was just in a dream bubble.
He had to fix this. "Hey," Dave started, brushing a hand through his hair awkwardly. "I didn't mean—"
"No, no, feel free to put me down all you like!" Karkat snapped. "Make a fucking joke out of it for all I care—see who can push the emotionally damaged troll the closest to the edge without sending him right off the fucking deep end!"
This…wasn't going according to plan.
Karkat moved forward, pushing Dave aside with only a little difficulty. "Just get out of here and leave me alone! Isn't that what you've been determined to do all this time? Ignore me completely, never offering an explanation?"
Dave's heart skipped a beat. Now this—this was what he'd been expecting. And this, coincidentally, was also the thing he'd been hoping to avoid. Having deep, emotional conversations wasn't something he was very good at.
"No response?" the troll snapped. "Good! Get the fuck out of my way!"
Technically, the troll was already past him—but Dave said nothing as Karkat limped away, now trying very obviously to hide said limp. He wanted badly to follow, to keep talking, to explain everything and make things right, but his utter lack of ability to express himself combined with the knowledge that he knew he would just make everything worse kept him rooted firmly in place, watching as that pair of candy-corn horns began to slip away into the trees. His house was close now. He would be okay. Physically, he would be okay.
Mentally…he wasn't so sure.
Guilt stricken, he was calling out before he could stop himself. "Karkat!"
Mercifully, the troll stopped before he disappeared entirely. "What?"
He swallowed hard. Forced himself to speak. "Are you okay? Like…emotionally, I guess?"
Karkat stared at him for a moment, boring straight through him with eyes that had just recently started to show their scarlet coloring. Then he sneered, lip curling distastefully. "You're not my fucking moirail, Strider, so don't fucking act like it!"
He recoiled, raising both hands in front of him defensively. "Geez, dude, don't bite my head off! Go to your moirail, then!"
Karkat mumbled something unintelligible.
"What?"
Again, his words slurred together.
"Speak up!"
"I said I don't have a fucking moirail, okay?"
"Don't have…?" Dave wracked his brains. Oh, right—he was an idiot. Gamzee had been Karkat's moirail, right? But then the clown dude had run off, and Karkat had never found a new one. "Um…maybe you should…?"
"Fuck. You."
Dave's heart clenched, this time in anger. "Fine! Go mope in your room for all I care!"
"I'll do that, then!"
"Good!"
"Fine!"
The two eyed each other, silent.
Then, with no further words spoken between them, Karkat turned and shuffled off into the trees. For just one moment Dave considered following. But then he shook his head, remembering just how close Karkat's home was, and he knew that it was time to go back to his own place. He would talk to John about this mess, and maybe he could convince him to talk to Karkat. Maybe he could get through to the idiot.
On cue, his phone dinged. John, no doubt. He ignored it, though, knowing he'd be back home soon to tell him exactly what happened.
He had a bad feeling about all this, that was for sure.
†††
"He just brushed you off?" John repeated, staring at Dave in surprise. "Didn't want to talk at all?"
The blond shrugged, unaffected. On the surface, at least. "Yep. Didn't want a single thing to do with me."
"That…surprises me."
"Why? I dumped him on his ass and moved out here without so much as a day's warning. He has the right to hate me, dude." It's what I wanted. I wanted him to hate me, so I could never hurt him by getting closer than I already was.
"Well, Dave…I don't know if you've noticed, but Karkat really likes you."
"Like hell he does."
"He does! I know you don't believe me, but you're just not looking hard enough!"
A snort. "And I suppose you're looking hard enough at Karkat to tell what he's thinking?"
John blushed. "No, no, it's not like that! It's just…can't you tell? He just seems so tense!"
Dave looked at his shoes. He didn't trust himself to remain emotionless, and he didn't want to give John any more ammo than he already had. "He's on edge. Something's wrong. I picked up on that."
"Well, good! I'd be worried if you couldn't notice that much about someone that means so much to you."
He tensed. This was growing dangerously close to the unknown realm of emotion, and he didn't want to get caught up in that nonsense.
John seemed to sense it. He sighed, "Look, Dave, maybe you should go see Rose."
"Rose?" he echoed. Then he caught on, spluttering, "Aw, hell no, dude, she'll psychoanalyze the shit out of me!"
"You know she's doing that already. She probably already has three journals filled up with ramblings about this whole mess!"
He was probably right, but that didn't make the thought any more appealing. "No. Fucking. Way."
"Yes way, Dave! Go see her!"
He stared at John hard. Then an idea flickered through his mind, and he smirked. "Fine. One condition."
"A condition?" John blinked, eyes wide behind his rectangular glasses.
"Yeah, dude. Time to pay up."
"And what do you want, exactly?"
"Simple. I talk to Rose, you talk to Karkat."
John blanched. "Oh…he didn't seem to want to talk to me much. Can't I just do the dishes or something?"
"Nope. No John talking to Karkat, no Dave talking to Rose. End of story, no exceptions." He peered at John over the tops of his shades for added effect. "What do you say, my poor, awkward palhoncho?"
The blush was back, albeit slightly less visible than before, and he stuttered, "I-I, uh…" He swallowed. "I guess it's a deal?"
"Good." Dave stuck out his hand, drawing John into a firm handshake to seal the deal. "Now get going."
"What?" John squawked. "Now? Right after he pointedly ignored me and then went missing for hours on end?" He wrung his hands, crying out, "I can't do that! Dave, don't make me do it!"
"Calm down, dude. I was just joking."
John stared for a moment, expression unchanging. But then he relaxed somewhat nervously, laughing out, "O-oh, yes, of course…haha! And I thought I was supposed to be the prankster! Hehe…"
"Just go see him tomorrow," Dave said, the last traces of a smile clinging to his lips. "I'll tell him you're coming, and warn him that he'll have me to deal with if he doesn't answer the door."
John nodded so quickly that Dave thought his head might pop right off his shoulders. "Right! Will do!"
With that taken care of, Dave could practically feel the tension starting to drain from the room. "So…movie?"
"Con Air!"
He groaned, feigning protest. "Come on, that old rag again? John, I thought I'd finally gotten you to start appreciating true cinematic masterpieces, not those garbage action flics!"
"No way, Con Air is the best!"
Dave opened his mouth to poke fun, but John was already scrambling for the living room to find the movie. Shrugging, he followed his best friend into the next room over for what would undoubtedly be the worst and most unironic experience of his life. Again.
†††
- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -
EB: hey karkat!
EB: dave said he was going to message you about this, but i figured he'd forget
EB: so here i am!
EB: warning you that i'm going to come talk to you today i guess?
EB: dave kinda insisted upon it after whatever happened between the two of you lastnight
EB: he thought you could use someone to talk to maybe?
EB: well here i am!
EB: ...
EB: geez this is awkward
EB: well just be ready for me at noon if that's okay with you
EB: see you then!
- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -
A few hours later, John stood awkwardly out of Karkat's house, knuckles rapping against the door rhythmically. He'd warned Karkat about his visit, but the troll had never bothered to respond. And he hadn't heard anything from Dave, so maybe he just wasn't home or something? Maybe he should leave, or…
No! He couldn't leave. He'd shaken hands with Dave over this, and the bro code said that you could never break a deal once you shook on it. Dave was already over at Rose's lab, and so he had to do this.
He knocked again, and this time he was rewarded with a few muffled curse words spouting from inside the house.
"Fuck off, whoever you are!"
It was a start. "Karkat?" he called in worriedly. "Kar, it's me, John!"
A pause. Then, "What do you want?"
It was still muffled. He was probably in the living room or the kitchen or something. "Can you open the door?" he called. "I had some spare time today, and we haven't spoken in person for a while, so I thought maybe I'd come over and say hi!"
"Well, hello. Now leave!"
A smile tugged at the corners of his lips. Karkat's fiery personality never got old. "Fat chance, Karkat! Open the door!"
"No!"
"Yes."
"No!"
"Yes."
"No!"
"Y—"
Karkat cut him off with a loud groan, calling, "Let's not do the Equius thing, okay?"
John wasn't really sure what the Equius thing was, but still he answered, "Then open the door!"
There was a long pause, and for a moment John thought that Karkat was just going back to ignoring him. But then there was the sound of someone shuffling their way across the floor, then the locks were clicking and Karkat's angry face was appearing in the crack between the door and the frame.
"There we go!" John exclaimed with another bright smile. "Now let me in, and we'll be onto phase two!"
Karkat tried to glare, but it was clear his heart wasn't in it. "Did Dave send you here?"
"No," he lied. "I'm here of my own accord, just to see how you're doing! You did ignore me yesterday, you know, and I was concerned."
The troll hesitated, expression twisting into one of guilt. "Oh, yeah…fuck, I forgot about that already. Sorry."
"Let me in and I'll forgive you."
Another halfhearted glare. Then Karkat deflated, stepping back from the door, and vanished into the house. He said nothing, but John took it as his cue to come in. He pushed on the door and let himself in, locking it behind him. Then he looked up, taking in what had become of Karkat's home, and…it was a bit of a mess, admittedly. Several of the things from his sylladex were spread out across the floor just inside the doorway, just as Dave had described, and the rest of the house looked a bit…chaotic. It appeared as if Karkat had just been throwing things here and there as he used them, never bothering to return them to their proper places. It would have driven Rose nuts.
Walking out of the entrance hall, John found himself standing at the divide between the kitchen and the living room. The kitchen was even more of a mess, utensils and dishes piled high in the sink. He took a brief peek inside as he went by, and was a bit troubled to see that there was no sign Karkat had used the kitchen recently. All the dishes in the sink looked like they'd been there forever. He'd been eating, hadn't he? Was he looking thinner than usual?
John walked into the living room, seeking out his friend so he could see for himself. He froze the instant he walked into the room and spotted a monstrous heap of something in front of the TV in place of the couch, which had been pushed to the side of the room rather sloppily. Karkat was nowhere to be seen. But as he moved forward, eyeing the heap tentatively, he realized that Karkat was on top of that thing, which he now realized was a massive pile of clothing, blankets, and towels.
"Um…Karkat, what's with the…?" he trailed off, waving a hand helplessly at the mound of soft materials.
"It's a pile," Karkat said flatly.
"I…see. And why is it there?" Maybe Karkat was a little more out of it than he'd thought if he was throwing everything in his house into one big heap.
He looked away. "It's a troll thing. I couldn't sleep last night so I threw this together and laid on it instead. Helps a little."
John hummed, moving closer and poking at the pile with the toe of his shoe.
Karkat hissed. "Watch it!"
He recoiled immediately, not wanting to make things any worse than they already were. "Woah, sorry! Didn't realize it was a big deal."
"It's a troll thing," he repeated with a pout that was nothing short of adorable—not that John could ever say such a thing if he wanted to keep all of his fingers.
"Yeah…" John looked around for a moment, then dragged the couch closer so he could sit on it and still be within comfortable speaking distance. He plopped down on it contentedly, curling his nose as puff of dust that rose from it, flying up into the stale air. "Can I ask you a question?"
"If you must."
"Are you…okay?"
Karkat threw his arms up dramatically, exclaiming, "That's all anyone's been asking me lately! I'm completely fine!"
He was not fine. John could see it. He hadn't spent as much time around Karkat as he should have, he knew that, but he also knew enough to recognize the way his shoulders were being held just slightly higher than usual, the way his eyes glimmered with perfectly concealed ghosts. He didn't know how Dave couldn't see how serious it was, how he could just sit around and say that maybe the situation was a little messed up, but nothing too far out of the ordinary. Karkat was so obviously not okay; he was miserable alone out here; why wasn't anyone doing anything?
Karkat fidgeted uncomfortably as the silence stretched between them. He said nothing, though, just curled up into a ball as he sank deeper into the pile of blankets.
It was then that John took the opportunity to really look at Karkat for the first time since Dave had left him. His stomach flipped strangely as he realized that the troll had dark bags under his eyes, and he really was thinner than usual.
"Have you been eating?" he blurted out. "Sleeping?"
"Sleeping?" Karkat echoed, smoothly glazing over the first question. "How the fuck do you expect me to sleep when I'm forced into a nightmare every time I close my eyes for more than five minutes?"
John winced. "I…guess I didn't realize it was that bad."
"It's not that bad. Just bad enough."
"Is…there anything I can do?" he tried.
The troll shot him an odd look, and John couldn't help but feel that he'd asked the wrong question. "Yeah, get Rose and Kanaya to alchemize a gogdamn recuperacoon. Some sopor slime to fill it would be good, too."
Another wince. "They still haven't figured that out, have they?" It wasn't really a question. He'd tracked their progress just out of curiosity, and he knew that they were struggling with the captchalogue codes for a lot of basic things.
"Not even close," Karkat confirmed, and the bags under his eyes just seemed to grow darker.
"So Kanaya is probably in the same way, right?"
"What way?" the troll shot back defensively.
He'd have to choose his words carefully if he didn't want to be thrown out in the next few moments. "You look a little…tired? Without recuperacoons, Kanaya should be feeling the same way, right?"
Karkat narrowed his eyes. Admitted,"I feel tired. And no, Kanaya seems to be doing just fine."
"But…how is that possible? She's a troll, so why isn't she having the nightmares?"
Karkat shrugged in an attempt to look casual, but John could see the way his body radiated exhaustion, both physical and mental. "I don't know. The fact that she's a rainbow drinker probably has something to do with it; she's not really a troll anymore. That, and the fact that she has someone to vent all her troubles to. That would keep the worse of the nightmares away."
"You mean a moirail? She has a moirail?"
"No, you idiot, she has Rose."
"But…" John trailed off, struggling to wrap his brain around the situation. He'd never been too good with trolls and their quadrants, and even now it confused him right out the door. "…I thought that you were only supposed to talk about your problems with your moirail."
Karkat rolled his eyes so hard that it looked almost painful. "No, you blithering imbecile, that's not right at all! I've told you a thousand times—you're supposed to share your emotional trauma with your moirail, but that doesn't mean you can't say anything about it to your matesprit! And anyways, I'd be willing to bet that Rose and Kanaya aren't exactly sticking to the normal bounds of matespritship. They probably share much more than they should, given that Rose has only ever known one quadrant and Kanaya doesn't have the heart to go against her."
"Right," John murmured, head already starting to hurt. "Um…so you think that Kanaya isn't being affected the same way you are because Rose is kinda like her moirail and her matesprit at the same time…?"
"Well would you look at that—you actually have a brain under all that mush!"
"Hey!" John whined. "Karkat, don't be mean!"
He looked away. "Right, right…I forget how fragile you hornless monkeys are."
He almost made a comment about that little insult, but decided that it wasn't a battle he was ready to fight. Instead, he settled on a much safer question (which wasn't safe at all, mind you). "So…if you had someone you could vent to, do you think you'd feel better?"
Karkat watched him cautiously. "Why do you ask?"
"Because I'm kinda here to talk to you, if you hadn't noticed, and maybe you'd start getting better if you got some of it off your chest." He fidgeted nervously as Karkat's piercing glare settled directly on him. At any moment Karkat could just throw his hands up and kick him out.
So when Karkat's response was a quiet, "Okay," he couldn't stop his eyes from widening in surprise. Karkat was going to trust him? Confide in him? It was like a dream coming true right in front of him. A good dream, not one of Karkat's weird nightmares.
Karkat must have noticed his surprise, because the next moment he was hissing, "If you don't really want to talk, then fucking leave."
"No, no!" he said hurriedly, trying to perform damage control. "Tell me whatever you feel comfortable sharing! I'm not your moirail, but…I think I can help?"
The troll stared silently for far too long. Then he shook his head with an exasperated sigh, muttering, "Fine…I need to ask you a question."
"Shoot."
"Have you…seen anything in the forest?" He looked uncomfortable. "Anything strange?"
John thought back to all the exploring he'd done, flying everywherewithin at least a hundred mile radius of the town in the past several months. He tried to recall something, anything out of the ordinary—but he came up blank, remembering only the herds of lusus creatures romping about in the wilderness. "No, nothing. Why? Did you see something?" Is that why you're so shaken up?
He started fidgeting again. Had he ever really stopped? "I may have run across something…off."
He sounded so serious. "What did you see?" John pressed.
A shudder enveloped Karkat's entire form, and John's limbs twitched slightly in his desire to move closer and put a halt to it. "I…I went into the forest yesterday. Spent some time on my own. And then, around the time when the suns set, something happened to me." He held his hands up in front of his face, and they were trembling slightly. "Something drained me. I couldn't see right, couldn't move, could barely breathe. The air was thick. The leaves were rustling all around me. And then there was a set of eyesin the shadows right by me."
"Eyes? Like one of the lusus creatures?"
"No. They were…" he trailed off.
"They were what?"
He swallowed. "Purple. They were purple. So purple they were almost black."
John tried to remember ever having seen a creature like that, and came up with nothing. "It could be a new species?" he offered.
"No. It wasn't a creature. It looked at me with familiarity, Egbert. Like it knew who I was."
He looked haunted, John realized. Arms clasped around himself, glazed eyes staring off into a corner. He pressed, "And did you know who it was?"
"No, of course not!" Karkat snapped, but the response was too quick and too heated.
"Karkat," he chastised.
"I don't know that shade of purple!" the troll insisted in a hiss.
"Kar…"
"Don't call me that! You're not Eridan!"
John stared helplessly. So often lately Karkat had been referencing his departed friends. It was troubling, like he was caught in the past and unable to escape. Maybe that was the true source of his nightmares.
"I swear, you'll be calling me KK next, and I can't take being called that ever again! That or Kitkat, or Karkitty, or Karkles, or Karbro, or whatever the fuck nickname you want to make up for me!"
Okay, this was definitely not about a dumb nickname.
"Just stick to calling me by my name, got it? I'm not going to start seeing fucking ghosts everywhere just because you won't shut your big mouth!"
John waited a moment to make sure the troll was done talking. Then, when Karkat did nothing but sit there and glare at him, he decided it was safe to continue. "Karkat…"
The troll snapped his head to one side in defiance.
"Karkat," he repeated, voice soft. "Ghosts?"
His expression remained as still as stone. "Forget I said anything; past me is an idiot. How about you just get the fuck out and we call this whole mess a draw?"
"Karkat."
That made him pause. "Look, I really don't want to talk about it."
John eyed the pile. He wasn't sure why, but he was really tempted to crawl over there with him. Maybe it would provide emotional support?
Before he could act, Karkat was speaking again. "There's nothing to say about this John—I saw something weird in the forest, and on top of all the horrible nightmares, it made me lose my cool."
"Your cool?" John snickered. "Channeling Dave, are you?"
"Shut the fuck up!"
"Okay, okay! If you don't want to talk more about me to this, why don't you go talk to Dave? He was your matewhatever, so he—"
"Dave was not my matesprit!" Karkat bristled. "He was barely even my friend!"
Still in denial, then. "And I suppose it's a coincidence that your nightmares got worse after Dave left?"
"A complete coincidence."
Denial. Completely ridiculous. "Well you need to talk to someone, and if you can't talk to me, then who should I bring here?"
"No one!" Karkat snapped. "I'm—"
"If you say I'm fine one more time, I'm going to…" He paused to think. "…I'm going to hold you down and tickle you until you give in!"
"Touch me and I'll bite your fucking fingers off!"
Okay, so maybe not that. "I'll come over here every day and knock on your door, then, until you decide to tell me what's wrong!"
At that, Karkat hesitated. He almost looked thoughtful. "You'd do that for me?"
"Well, yeah! We're friends!"
His expression twisted slightly. "Of course we are. Best pals, friends to the end, buddies for life."
"Right!" John confirmed with a bright smile. "So whenever you need to talk to someone, until you find yourself a moirail, you should message me and invite me over."
Another strange look. "Is that the only thing that will make you leave?" But it was clear his heart wasn't in the complaint. As he sat there in the pile of blankets, shoulders hunched, head bowed, curled in on himself, John recognized exactly what Karkat was feeling because he'd felt it far too often himself.
Loneliness.
Karkat was lonely.
A spark of anger started in his chest as he thought of Dave, who couldn't be bothered to visit the person he was so clearly interested in romantically. Maybe he'd have another talk with him later, try to knock some sense into that big head of his. Dave was his best friend, but if his stupidity was hurting Karkat then he wouldn't hesitate to pester him until he got his head on straight.
"That's it," John declared, shooting to his feet. "You wait here, I'll be right back."
Karkat watched with weary cautiousness as John moved, straightening his rumpled shirt. "Where are you going?"
"I've gotta grab something from my place. Be back soon, okay?"
"Wait, what are you grabbing? John? John!"
But he was already flying away, a laugh trailing in his wake.
†††
As it turned out, what John had in mind was a movie marathon. Typical.
Karkat sat tensely on the couch, which John had only just gotten him to abandon his pile in favor of. Sitting in the pile made him comfortable—it did that for every troll, regardless of whether or not you had a moirail or a matesprit to share it with—but John was sitting right there on the couch, and that pout was impossible to refuse.
Currently, John's eyes were locked on the screen as one of the characters in a shitty romcom tackled her unfortunate love interest to the ground, rain falling dramatically around them. He was so transfixed that he didn't even notice Karkat's blatant staring.
Why are you here? he wanted to ask. Why are you still here when you could easily have left hours ago? He saw no reason John would really want to hang out with him. Sure, they'd been friends during the game for a while—but after the three-year wait on the meteor and the ship respectively, they'd never really rekindled whatever it was they'd had. Their strange caliginous-crush-turned-friendish thing had just kind of…died off. John had no obligation to be here. He had no obligation to act like they were still friends.
But…so long as he was here…
Karkat bit back a half-amused snort as John reached blindly for the bowl of popcorn between them, missing the bowl several times in his absolute determination to never look away from the screen. He shoveled a handful of popped kernels into his mouth, eyes beginning to drip as if in an attempt to mimic the fake rain falling on screen. He was such an idiot.
"L-look at them, Kar!" John exclaimed, clearly having forgotten the whole don't call me by that fucking nickname talk he'd gotten only a few hours prior. "They're so perfect and in love and beautiful and—!"
There was more, but Karkat wasn't paying attention anymore. His eyes had been drooping for the past two movies, and this incredibly boring human romcom certainly wasn't helping things. He hadn't even gone that long without sleep—it had been what, forty-eight hours now? Maybe a bit more? He'd certainly gone far longer than this before without being nearly this exhausted.
Can't fall asleep, he reminded himself for the umpteenth time. Have to hold out for as long as possible before I do, that way I can minimize the time I spend watching my friends be torn apart right in front of me.
John wailed something else about the movie. Then he looked over, and his movie-induced stupor broke slightly when he presumably saw just how exhausted the troll looked. "Karkat?"
He mumbled something unintelligible in response. So tired…
John pushed his glasses back up his nose. They'd fallen down slightly sometime around the second movie. "Hey…if you're tired, you should sleep. And eat when you wake up."
"Don't need sleep," he tried to say, but it came out more like "d'ntneedslp…"
John laughed, focus no longer on the movie. "Sure you don't, Karkat. Come on, you should get to bed."
"Fuck you, no," he tried to protest, but his tongue wasn't working. He didn't want to sleep, but his entire body felt like lead. Was his head spinning again? Was…
Was that thing from the forest back? Was that why he was feeling so strange?
"Come on, up!" John prompted, looping his arm around Karkat's shoulders and slowly helping him to his feet. Then he yelped, steadying the troll as he nearly pitched over. "Easy there, Karkat!"
Karkat felt himself moving forward, and realized tiredly that John was moving him towards the stairs. He'd never told John where his respiteblock was, and the human had never been around to find it himself—and so he could only assume that John was flying blind, trusting that Karkat's hive wasn't so large that he couldn't find it if he looked hard enough.
Sure enough, it wasn't long before Karkat found himself being ushered into his respiteblock, where the sleep slat he called his own stood at the middle of the far wall. It was large and soft, and as luxurious as possible, but he knew it would just bring out the nightmares. He didn't want to sleep there. He didn't want to go to sleep. He didn't want to have the nightmares again.
"Hope you don't mind sleeping in your clothes," John joked, "because I'm not going to be the one that strips you down!"
He barely heard him. His think pan was feeling fuzzy again. Shit, is something wrong with me? He wanted to say something, but still his tongue lay thick across the bottom of his mouth.
His back pressed to his sleep slat, and he realized that John had lowered him down. "You okay?" the human had to ask one more time, those blue eyes glittering down at him with concern. "You're looking a little out of it…are you just tired?"
He managed to hum out a nonspecific response. So fucking tired.
"Okay…well, I'm just going to get you under the covers, then you can rest." John swung his legs onto the bed and positioned them accordingly, draping the troll's limp form across the mattress. Karkat remained completely motionless as John forced the covers back, making sure that his limbs were all arranged correctly before dragging the blankets over him. Internally, Karkat was screaming. He couldn't fall asleep. He couldn't. But John had tucked him into the covers to neatly, and everything was so warm, and there was a pair of sweet blue eyes looking down at him hopefully. "You'll sleep, Karkat, won't you?"
He stared up through bleary eyes. Gave a little nod. Fuck. I'm so fucked.
John seemed to take it as agreement. He smiled, saying, "Good. You sleep for as long as you can, and you message me the next time you need someone to talk to. And eat when you wake up! And talk to Dave, because both of you are being idiots about this whole situation!"
He drifted. What was John saying?
"Hey, are you even listening to me?"
He wasn't.
There was an amused huff. "Okay, Karkat. You can sleep now, but you will do all that stuff I told you to when you wake up!"
He made another dull sound. Was that a rustle outside his window? Claws scraping delicately across the glass?
"I'll see you later, Kar!"
Something roared in the forest. John didn't seem to hear it.
†††
Dave sat across from Rose and Kanaya at one of the lab tables that they'd cleaned off and passed as a dining table. He kept thinking about all of the weird experiments that had no doubt taken place on top of the table, but the girls didn't seem to mind. They just sat there calmly, tea steaming in front of them, Kanaya holding a roll of yarn as Rose knitted at her side. He wasn't quite sure what she was making, but it was big. Maybe it was a cozy for one of the weird machines blinking and flashing in the background.
Rose paused to take a sip of her tea, and Dave shifted self-consciously. He'd agreed to do this so John would talk to Karkat, but that didn't mean he was happy about it. He loved Rose as much as a Strider could bring himself to love another person, but he wasn't in the mood to be psychoanalyzed to death. Rose was already at it, he could tell—she was watching him with those sharp eyes of hers, and he could tell she was writing essays in her head about what was wrong with him this time.
"So," she said at last, and the sound of her voice nearly made him jump. He recovered his coolness immediately, though—he was a Strider, after all.
"So," he echoed.
Kanaya watched silently. Rose raised a brow.
"You're here to speak about your most recent relationship disaster, are you not?"
He winced. Straight to the point, then.
"I'll take your rather awkward pause as a yes, if that's acceptable."
He bit back a groan. Rose still heard it, of course, even though it never actually breached the airwaves between them. She was strange like that.
"I've already started keeping several logs dealing with this situation, and I'd be more than happy to pull them up for your inspection."
Of course she'd started keeping records. Why wouldn't she?
"It's not just you, of course—I find the dynamic between Jake and Dirk to be quite interesting, and Callie's attempt to acclimate herself to the new world is equally fascinating, so I've begun recording their psychological plights as well."
"Wouldn't be you if you hadn't, Rose."
She smiled. "No, I suppose I wouldn't. Now, would you like to see the journals I've started, or—"
"No, no," Dave said quickly. "Let's just talk, then you can psychoanalyze the shit out of me and send me on my way."
The smile grew just slightly. "Okay, then. Why don't you start by telling me why you're here?"
He opened his mouth to make some excuse about needing something from the lab, or just wanting to check up on his weird ecto-sister, but the piercing way Rose was staring through him made him think twice about it. "John made me," he decided. "Though I could use someone to talk to or some shit, I don't know."
"And what did he offer you in return for coming to me?"
"What?" He tried to play dumb.
Rose didn't even pause her knitting as she said, "You haven't been out to see me in weeks, Dave, most likely because you suspected that I would take the opportunity to antagonize you about your relationship with Karkat, so I severely doubt that you would come here of your own accord. John has most likely offered to do something for you, something you value greatly, otherwise you would not be here."
Damn. He'd forgotten how endearingly annoying this was. "What if I just wanted to see my ecto-sister?"
"Dave."
He held eye contact for just a moment. Then he deflated, banging his forehead harshly into the table and groaning out, "Fine, fine!" Oh man, she was going to have a field day with this one. "John agreed to go talk to Karkat so long as I went to go talk to you."
Rose paused. She actually looked vaguely surprised, as if she hadn't expected to get an answer so quickly. "And what would John be talking to Karkat about?"
"That's not important," Dave said. "You're here to get on my case, not my weird ex-whatever's case."
"Hmm. Interesting."
"What? What's interesting?"
"Oh, I'm sure we'll get to that later. For now, why don't you tell me what you've been up to lately?"
She was really getting into character now. He could practically sense her slipping into psychoanalyst mode. "You know me, Rose, I've been up to the same old shit as always. Mixing records, sitting through horrible movies with John, flying around and exploring this dumpster fire we call a planet…the usual."
"You haven't sent me any of your mixes in a while," Rose pointed out. "You used to send them to me almost weekly; even asking me to collaborate with you on some of them. Is there a reason you've stopped?"
It probably had something to do with the fact that he wasn't really spending time at his turntables anymore. "Just haven't been in the mood, you know? You really have to wait until you feel the beat before you start mixing."
Rose didn't believe him. He could see it. "That's never seemed to be an issue for you before."
"Things are different now. It's a new planet, new universe. Hell, we don't even have our fucking dream bubbles anymore."
"Does that concern you? The fact that everything is different in our new universe? That we've lost the use of the dream bubbles?"
"Hell no. Things are so much nicer now, you know? No real concerns or responsibilities other than holding our entire goddamn civilization together at the seams."
Ooh, he shouldn't have said that. Rose was really watching him now, hardly looking at what she was knitting. "But you haven't been doing much holding, wouldn't you say? You've spent most of your time either holing yourself up in your home or flying around with John."
"Yeah." He couldn't deny it.
"So it's safe to say, then, that your troubles are more related to something occurring outside of, as you put it, holding our entire goddamn civilization together at the seams."
He shrugged. "I guess that's accurate."
"Well then." She glanced at Kanaya meaningfully, who immediately reached to untangle the knot that had formed in the yarn. "There's not really that much going on for you, so figuring out what's bothering you should be easy. Although I'm fairly certain that I already know what it is."
"Oh? And what's that?"
She stopped knitting. The needles went slack in her hands as she looked up at him, head tilting just slightly to one side. "Karkat."
And there it was. The name fell over him like a heavy blanket, and he cursed internally as he realized that yes, this was happening. Rose was going to force him to sit here and hash out all the problems with his failed relationship.
"Again, I'll take your silence to mean agreement. This is good, Dave—now that I've confirmed the source of your recent unease, I should be able to work you through it."
"I'm fine, thanks. No need to keep analyzing."
"Oh no, this is actually quite interesting." The needles were placed down on the table, and Dave swiftly reached out to point the ends away from him. He'd seen what came out of those things, and he didn't want his face blasted off. "Why don't you start from the beginning? Tell me how you became friends with Karkat, and then we can work from there."
"You know how I became friends with Karkat," he grumbled. "We were all stranded together on the meteor, and there sure as hell weren't a whole lot of other people around to talk to."
"So you blame close proximity for your relationship."
"Isn't that how most relationships start off?"
"Actually, an increase in the amount of online dating has—"
"Rose, that was on earth. Which is now gone."
She paused. "Oh…yes, you're correct. In that case, I suppose you're right about proximity."
She didn't say anything else, and Dave guessed she was waiting for him to continue. Fine, then—he'd give her what she wanted. John probably wouldn't be satisfied until he had a full report, anyways. "We became friends on the meteor. Started hanging out, watching movies, that kind of thing. And then we started hanging out a lot, and we…" He cleared his throat, bringing a hand up subconsciously to make sure his shades were still in place.
"You what?" Rose prompted.
"We…I don't know, bonded? Whatever the hell you call it when two best bros spend so much time together that they start suspecting that they're not just bros. At first I thought I was seeing the little guy like a brother, but…you know…"
"No, I do not know. Please enlighten me."
He glanced at Kanaya, suddenly acutely aware that he was spilling all this with one of Karkat's close friends in the room. Not that they'd spoken much recently, from the sound of it.
"Rose, c'mon, use your imagination here. You know how it is when you start feeling differently about someone. Getting the cuddly shit in and all that."
She didn't look like she'd gotten all the information she'd wanted, but still she gave a short nod. "I'll use my imagination, then. What happened once the two of you reached the session inhabited by Dirk, Jake, Jane, and Roxy?"
"We took down the bad guys. Easy."
"And after that?"
"We decided to live together. Worked to build a home we both liked."
"And then?"
He shrank back defensively. "Nothing else. We decided it wasn't working and split."
"Except that's not really what happened, is it?" Rose asked, raising a brow. "Karkat had no part in the decision that led to your departure."
No. He didn't want to talk about this. "It doesn't matter who said what. We split and that was that."
"That's not the truth and you know it."
"It doesn't fucking matter."
"I'm the person who decides what matters, Dave. Now tell me what happened."
He had to fight with himself to stop his expression from giving away how tense he was. "No."
"Dave—"
"I said no. I came here as a favor to John, but that doesn't mean I'm going to spill all my trauma to you—assuming there's trauma in the first place, which there's not. I'm as trauma-less as a sleeping baby, let me tell you."
Rose's features remained cool and relaxed. "John says you haven't been sleeping well. No reported nightmares, but he claims that you've been waking up late at night and leaving home, not returning for many hours."
"I like exploring at night, so what?"
"Your eating habits, then. John also reported a severe increase in your intake of sugary and otherwise fattening foods."
"I'm hungrier now that I'm running around exploring with John. So what?"
"Then how about your periods of silent, distracted staring? Are you just interested in spacing out for minutes at a time in the middle of a conversation with John?"
How much had John told her? Everything? Was he living next to his best friend or his dad?
"From what I can tell, you are experiencing a form of disturbance that disallows restful sleep, increases the urge to consume fattening foods, and induces periods of distraction during which you are completely unresponsive to the world around you. The cause of these disturbances is Karkat—or rather, your relationship with him."
Dave's nails bit into the arms of the chair he was sitting in.
"And from what Kanaya has told me, Karkat is experiencing much the same thing, but on a far grander scale."
That made him pause. "Grander?"
"Trolls are volatile creatures, you understand." She reached forward casually to take a sip of her cooling tea. "Much more susceptible to emotional trauma, thus the need for a moirail in the first place—which Karkat doesn't have, I might add, despite Kanaya's attempts to act as a proxy. John has already asked me to take a look at him, but he seems completely unwilling to speak to or see me. But I will tell you that from what I've heard and observed personally, Karkat seems to be taking this whole thing in a very poor way."
The nightmares. He knew about them through John.
"Both of you are suffering because of what you did, Dave. If you would just tell me why you left, then maybe I could help you more effectively."
"I left because it wasn't working. End of story."
She didn't seem impressed. "You have nothing else to say on the matter?"
Dave just stared, arms crossed over his chest. He wasn't giving her any more ammunition.
"If you have nothing to say, then perhaps you will allow me to put forth one of my own theories for discussion."
Oh no, here it comes…
"I believe that you left Karkat not because it wasn't working, but because you thought leaving would somehow protect him."
"Rose."
"You've always believed that your presence is detrimental to those you interact with; I could tell from the instant I first saw the scarlet of your text sprawling across my computer screen. Following that theory, it stands to reason that once things became peaceful and you had time to think about what came next, you realized that allowing yourself to become emotionally entangled with Karkat would only hurt him, and so you ran away. Unfortunately, the two of you were already involved to the point of trauma on both of your behalves upon splitting. Karkat is showing his pain through forced solitude and violent nightmares, and you are showing yours through your late night stints and newfound obsession with exploring with John. Both of you are miserable, but neither are willing to admit it to the other."
"Rose!"
"If you would just talk to him, I'm sure this situation would be resolved. You clearly still care for him, otherwise you would not be reacting this way—and Karkat's vehement insistence that he wants nothing to do with you indicates the same. I'm sure that communication would—"
"Rose!"
She jumped, startled, and the flow of words stopped. She stared at Dave, eyes wide as if she truly hadn't realized that every word was pushing him towards his inevitable snap. "I apologize," she whispered. "I didn't mean to offend."
Dave glared, but he knew she couldn't tell from behind his shades. "It's no sweat," he lied. "Let's just wrap up this little therapy session and continue next time, yeah?"
Rose watched as he got to his feet, expression a mixture of guilt and concern. "Dave, I'm sorry. Truly, I am. I didn't realize how sensitive a subject this was for you."
"It's cool. But I should really get going now. Places to explore, people to avoid—those kinds of things." He pushed in his chair as an afterthought. "I'll see you later. Promise."
Rose mirrored him, getting to her feet and taking a small step forward as he started backing towards the door. "I'd like very much for you to visit again, Dave. If you happen to see Karkat, please tell him that we're working very hard on alchemizing a recuperacoon for him. And I know that this may further invoke your anger, but I feel that I must reiterate just how necessary it is that you talk to Karkat about this."
"Goodbye, Rose."
"Dave, please—!"
The door slammed, and her voice was lost behind it.
