As evenings go I would have to say that a meal out with my ex, his wife and a guy I didn't actually know had to rate amongst one of the most awkward experiences of my life.

For the most part the conversation was stilted and lacking substance. Helena was under the natural assumption that, having not seen each other for so many years, her husband and I would have lots of catching up to do. And in many ways I think that we did. But not then and not with other people around.

I had never been so relieved to see the arrival of our meal just to give me something to do. At that point I wouldn't have cared what was served or how badly it was cooked. It was an excuse not to have to make conversation and as such was a blessing.

But the night wasn't all bad. Not all.

There were moments; brief tantalising moments that, as much as I hate to admit it, made it all seem worthwhile.

Moments when Craig's eyes would meet mine and for an instant I would see it again. I would see the longing in those deep chocolate pools that I knew must be radiating from my own eyes. Moments when it would feel like there was only the two of us in the whole restaurant and I could pretend that we hadn't lost the life we had once shared together.

And then Helena or Tony would speak and the illusion would be shattered.

Craig was a married man. And me? Well I guess I was on a date with that cute young drummer.

At the end of the meal I finally thought that I was free and the evening would at last be over. But it wasn't going to be that simple.

"Why don't we nip to the bar next door?" Helena asked with a bright smile. How was it possible to hate and like someone so much at the same time? Under different circumstances I could have seen a friendship between myself at that lovely woman but as it was I was so jealous of what she had, who she had, that I was constantly trying to find faults and probably even creating some where none lay.

"Yeah great." Why did I say that? Why on earth didn't I claim an early start in the morning and say I had to get home? Why? Simple really, because no matter how wrong and stupid it might have been I still wanted to have that time with Craig. Just to be near him again, to be able to see him and talk to him, it might have been painful but it was a pain that was worth it every time he smiled at me. A smile that I knew was just mine.

The bar was relatively quiet when we entered, especially quiet considering it was a weekend, but then it didn't really have the appeal that most young party-goes were looking for. The décor was simple and elegant, the mahogany bar highly polished and glistening under the subdued lighting while a variety of eclectic music played in the background, loud enough to be heard but not so loud as to render conversation difficult.

After claiming a table Craig went to order our drinks, leaving me alone with his wife and the young drummer. The silence between us made me squirm in my seat as I searched for something, anything to say, just to make conversation, to break the awkwardness.

"So how's the band going?" I finally asked Tony, deciding on the safest topic of conversation.

"Good," he replied with a bright smile, his eyes sparkling with the enthusiasm of someone who had found their dream and was now getting to live it. "It's been amazing being in the studio, Alan's a great guy…"

"Isn't he!" I agreed, "He says you're doing well too, so that's a good sign… Alan's very rarely wrong."

"He still doesn't like the name though…"

"You should trust his judgement," I advised, squeezing Tony's forearm as I spoke and noticing, even in their relaxed state the firmness of his muscles. "He knows the music business and, no offence, but RodeoTraffik is pretty bad… who came up with it?"

Tony's cheeks flushed a soft pink and his eyes darted down to the table.

"Ahh sorry," I said with a small laugh.

"It's OK," Tony replied smiling shyly. Watching him perform the previous week Tony had seemed full of confidence but now, sat beside me in a quiet pub there was a shy vulnerability to him that was incredibly endearing and, I had to admit, rather attractive.

"Here we go," Craig announced as he placed a tray of drinks down on the table, instantly pulling my attention away from the young man at my side to bask momentarily in the deep brown warmth of Craig's eyes.

"Orange juice?" I queried as Helena took a sip from her glass, I hadn't registered it at the time but looking back I realised that during the meal Craig's wife had avoided the wine completely.

"Err yeah," she replied coyly, her gaze connecting briefly with Craig's and I am sure I saw him shaking his head, but Helena either missed the gesture or chose to ignore it because she carried on speaking. "See the thing is," she said with a smile that lit up her face and increased her beauty considerably, "Me and Craig are trying for a baby."

"That's… that's brilliant," I lied, the words burning like hot ashes in my mouth as I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't realise until that moment, or at least I hadn't admitted it to myself, but despite the fact that he was married a part of me had still harboured a hope that somehow Craig would be mine again. With four words Helena had destroyed the dream 'trying for a baby'.

I could hear Tony offering his congratulations as I emptied my whisky glass, my gaze fixed firmly on Craig despite the fact that he couldn't or wouldn't look at me.

"A baby eh?" I heard myself say. I felt strangely removed from the situation, as if I was observing it from outside myself, watching the hope die in my eyes with each passing moment.

"It's not been easy," Helena continued, her expression a mixture of hope and regret and despite myself I felt for her. "We'd been trying for a couple of years," Helena leant forward on the table as if she were letting us in on a great conspiracy. "And we'd had no luck so we… you know… went for tests and stuff and they said we'd never conceive naturally."

"I'm sorry," I said, taking Helena's hand and squeezing it gently, my sympathy genuine, I could remember my elder sister's own longing for a child and I knew the pain it could cause when that was taken from you.

"Thanks," Helena smiled, "But it's not like we've given up… have we Craig?"

Craig just half smiled and nodded, he looked almost guilty but what did he have to be guilty about? He wanted a child with his wife, that was how it was supposed to go after all.

"So for the last six months," Helena was saying, making me turn my attention back to the blonde woman, "We've been on IVF… that's how we ended up at The Sailor and Mermaid actually."

"I don't get the connection…" I said curiously.

"It's not cheap… IVF…" Craig's voice startled me, it was as if I hadn't expected him to join in the conversation. "So we had to sell our house and running a pub comes with free accommodation… and obviously I'd had experience with The Dog… so… well it seemed the obvious answer…"

"I see," I replied, "Well… you know… good luck… really… I hope you get what you want."

"Thank you," Helena replied, her blue eyes sparkling with hope. Craig didn't answer and his smile seemed fake, or maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.

Several rounds later the combination of lager, whiskey and Craig had gone to my head. I wasn't drunk as such, but I certainly wasn't sober and I knew my judgement was becoming impaired but I didn't care.

Deep in a conversation about the music industry with Tony I had placed one hand on his thigh as I leaned in closer to talk and, from the corner of my eye, I saw something that made my pulse race. Something that I hadn't seen in a long time but it got to me in the same was as it always had. Flashing across the handsome features of Craig's face was sheer jealousy. Craig's eyes glowed darkly and, as I moved a little closer to Tony and whispered in his ear, I could almost see sparks flying from Craig's gaze. I half expected him to pull me away from the young drummer and I was slightly disappointed when he didn't.

"My round I think," I said, getting to my feet, "Same again?"

"I'll give you a hand," Craig said as he got up and followed me to the bar. "What are you doing?" Craig hissed as we got out of earshot of Helena and Tony.

"I'm buying more drinks," I replied slightly sarcastically, "That's what you do in a pub."

"You know what I mean," Craig snarled, his jealously was almost tangible and the look on his face both excited and annoyed me.

"Not sure I do," I lied, turning my back on Craig as I ordered the drinks.

"Him," Craig spat, "You're all over him… it's embarrassing…"

"Tony doesn't seem to be complaining," I said with a smile that I deliberately directed back to the table, "In fact I'd say he was enjoying it…"

"So what? You're serious about him are you?"

"Maybe…"

"You gonna fuck him?"

"I just might…" My eyes locked with Craig's and for a moment neither of us moved or blinked, my groin was aching with the tension between us. "Maybe I'll invite him back to mine tonight," I taunted, "And give him a good hard seeing to…" Leaning into Craig I whispered hotly into his ear, "Remember how much you used to love me fucking you? I wonder if I can make him moan like you used to…"

"Fuck you," Craig snapped as he picked up two of the drinks and returned to our table.

"Any time," I said quietly to myself.


So there I was, half cut and horny.

When I got back to the table I increased my flirting with Tony ten-fold, letting my hand "accidentally" brush over his groin just when I knew Craig was looking. I noticed Helena grinning out of the corner of my eye and I realised that she was probably pleased that her plan of setting me up with her friend was working out so well, I doubt her smile would have been so bright if she had known the real incentive to my actions.

"I think it's time we were going," Helena said with a nudge to Craig's side.

"It's only early," Craig grumbled, making me smile to myself at the knowledge that he didn't want to leave me alone with Tony.

"Craig I'm tired," Helena complained, "Come on I want to go… and I'm sure these two wont miss us." Helena winked as she spoke and I couldn't hold back a giggle.

Getting to her feet Helena was quickly ushering Craig out of the pub as they said their goodbyes, Helena turning at the last second and blowing a kiss back to where I was sitting with Tony's hand very far up my thigh.

"Looks like it's just the two of us," Tony said quietly, his teeth suddenly nipping at my neck as his hand cupped my groin.

A small voice in the back of my head told me I should stop things there and then but when I opened my mouth to tell Tony nothing was going to happen between us very different words came out.

"Back to mine then?"

"Thought you'd never ask."

What the hell. He was hot and I was horny. I tried my hardest to pretend that Craig knowing what I would be doing wasn't an added turn on but I could still see the jealously burning in his eyes and that was always such a painfully sexy look.


We had barely got into my apartment before Tony had me pinned against the wall, kicking the door closed behind him as he crashed his mouth hard against mine.

It seemed that a wild animal lived behind the façade of a shy drummer but as his tongue plundered my mouth and his hand pushed its way into my boxers I knew that I didn't mind. There was a time and a place for shyness and this was not it.

"God I've been wanting to do this all night," Tony groaned as he began pulling at my clothes, "Much as I like Helena and Craig I couldn't wait for them to fuck off!"

Stepping back for a second Tony dropped his shirt to the floor, and I wasn't disappointed with what I saw. Although slender, years of drumming had built his muscles to perfection, an abstract design circled his right bicep and I couldn't resist reaching out to touch it.

"You like?" Tony asked with a grin and a nod to his tattoo.

"Yeah…" I answered, but I don't know if it was just the tattoo I was talking about.

"Good," Tony said, his tongue back inside my mouth before I could speak again, but I wasn't especially interested in the young drummers conversation and we both knew it.

Somehow my shirt ended up crumpled on the floor, although I don't remember taking it off, and my jeans and boxers were suddenly bunched around my knees, allowing my cock to stand out hard and aching before me.

Tony's fingers circled the base of my cock and slowly ran the length of it to the very tip, his eyes fixed on his action and that made me turn my gaze to what he was doing. For a few minutes we stood almost motionless save for Tony's slow pumping of my cock, which soon had precum leaking from it.

"So tell me," Tony said breathlessly, "Shall I suck you off or let you fuck me?"

My cock throbbed hard at Tony's words and his thumb rubbing my precum over the sensitive head of my cock made me groan. "How about both?" I panted.

"Is the right answer," Tony laughed as he fell to his knees, the head of my cock in his mouth in an instant. His hot tongue flicked over the head of my cock for a moment before he took me deeper into his mouth, sucking me gently one moment and harder the next, his tongue dancing along my shaft until I didn't know which sensation I would feel next.

Closing my eyes I let my head fall back against the wall as Tony's obviously experienced mouth, continued to pleasure me.

"Oh fuck," I groaned as I felt my cock hit the back of his throat and I couldn't resist looking down to see the length of my hard cock deep inside Tony's hot mouth. Bucking my hips slowly I began to fuck his face, his cheeks hollowed out as he sucked on me, feasting on my length as it passed through his lips and bringing me dangerously close to release, so much so that I had to pull my cock from his mouth before it was too late.

"Stand up," I said as I kicked the rest of my clothes from my legs, reaching for the zip of his black jeans the second he was on his feet. I wanted to know what he kept inside his trousers and, and I pushed them down over his hips I wasn't disappointed.

Tony's cock was hard and throbbing as I released it, its end already shining with precum and he moaned softly as I took a firm grip of it and began to wank him, his moans getting louder the faster my hand went until I could tell he was about to come.

"Now about that fucking you part…" I said as I let go of his cock and directed him towards my sofa.

Quickly scrabbling through the pile of my clothing I found my wallet and fished the condom from it, already ripping the silver packet open as I returned to where Tony was bent over the back of my sofa ready for me.

My cock throbbed and pulsed as I slid the condom over its length, my gazed fixed on the sight of his firm little arse just waiting for me.

Sucking on my fingers I quickly circled his tight hole before pushing inside, torn between the need to prepare him and the desperation just to fuck him. Thankfully my young lover was of the same mind and was quickly telling me to get on with it. So I did.

Firmly, but gently I hope, I pushed my cock into him, feeling the muscle of his arse resist me for a moment before giving in to my insistence and letting me deep inside. After that it was just fucking. Good hard mindless fucking.

Gripping onto his hips I pounded his deliciously tight arse as hard and fast as I could, sweat was soon running over my brow as the sound of our pants and groans filled my apartment.

"Harder," Tony demanded as he wanked himself in time with my thrusts and I was more than willing to oblige until my whole body began to tremble and I knew I was going to come.

"Oh fuck yes," I moaned as my fingers sank into the flesh of Tony's hips and my cock exploded its load deep into Tony's body.

"Fucking hell John Paul," Tony cried out as his own climax followed only moments after mine.

The very second it was over I suddenly felt incredibly self conscious and painfully aware that I was standing naked in my living room pulling a used condom from the end of my shrinking cock. But worse of all I felt like a total shit. I might have fancied Tony that was true, but the only real reason I fucked him was as some insane form of revenge against Craig and I hated myself for it.

"I should be going," Tony said, already pulling his clothing back on.

"Oh I…"

"Shit, I mean you didn't want to do the whole cuddling thing or anything did you…"

"No," I assured him, "No I just thought that you might have…"

"Look John Paul," Tony said with a smile, "You're a decent bloke… and a good fuck… but that IS all it was right? A fuck?"

"Yeah," I agreed with a relieved laugh, "A bloody good fuck!"

"Good… and maybe we'll do it again… and if not, well no harm done eh? See ya mate…"

"See ya!"

With a brief kiss to my cheek Tony was gone and I was left standing naked in the middle of the room, my head spinning with confusion. I was more than relieved that Tony didn't expect anything from me, but that didn't change the fact that my reasons for fucking him were, well to be frank, they were fucked up.

Craig was married and he was trying for a baby and I had to just get used to that.

But he did look bloody hot when he was jealous.


After that night I decided I couldn't do it. I couldn't pretend to be just Craig's friend, it was too hard and I don't suppose it was really any easier for him. I couldn't see anything good being able to come from having him back in my life. What good did it do anyone for me to be endlessly jealous of Helena and to shag another guy in an attempt to spark that same jealousy in Craig?

Craig Dean had been the greatest love of my life and there would be a part of my heart and soul that no one else would ever be able to touch like he had. But he was in the past, WE were in the past, and for the sake of my own sanity I had to leave him there and move on.

So I didn't go back to The Sailor and Mermaid. In fact I avoided it like the plague, thankful that no other bands playing there had been brought to Alan's attention.

For six weeks I pretended to go back to my normal life. I worked, I went out with Nathan or with other friends, I did the things I had been doing before the sight of Craig Dean had turned it all upside down. And I almost convinced myself that I could do it. I almost believed I could put him behind me again and move on.

Which is why, when someone rang my doorbell that Friday evening the last person I expected to be on the other end of the intercom when I answered was him.

"John Paul… can I come up?"

My breath caught in my throat and my heart skipped several beats as a shaky hand pressed the button that would release the downstairs door and grant Craig access to the apartment building.

It felt like hours before Craig made it to the third floor and knocked on my door but then suddenly he was there and it was too soon, I wasn't prepared, I didn't know what to say, what to do. I barely even knew what to think.

"Craig…" I breathed as he walked past me and into my living room. "Why… what… why…"

"I had to see you," Craig said as he turned to face me. His eyes were dark, darker than normal, he had the look of a haunted man and the circles beneath his eyes told of many sleepless nights.

"What's happened?" I asked as I moved forward to close the gap between us, stopping just short of being able to touch him and desperate to take one more step.

"What's happened?" Craig repeated with a humourless laugh. "What's happened? You… that's what's happened…"

"Me? What have I done?"

"You… you…" Craig took that one step that I was unable to and suddenly I could feel his breath on my face and I could feel the warmth of his skin. The scent of a still so familiar aftershave raced through my senses making my heart beat so hard I could barely stand it. "You turned up again," Craig said quietly, "You did what you always do… you come into my life and…"

"And?"

"And you make me love you again."

Craig's hand was soft and warm against my cheek, his thumb stroking a small gentle circle as he looked unblinking into my eyes. That one simple touch felt more intimate than any other I had ever experienced in my life before, my whole body seemed to radiate a surge of electricity as his hand rested against my face. I could see in those chocolate depths of his eyes the love that I had known all those years ago and I wanted nothing more than to claim it back again. But we weren't the same people as we had been back then, things had changed and we had changed.

"Craig," I said quietly, sadly as I took hold of his hand and removed it from my cheek, instantly mourning the loss of his touch. "Craig don't…"

"Oh John Paul," Craig said with a sigh as he slumped onto my sofa and let his face fall into his hands. "Why did we give up so easily back then? Why didn't we realise that what we had was worth fighting for?"

"I don't know," I replied with a sad laugh, taking a seat beside him, "I guess we were too young… too stupid…"

"Tell me what to do John Paul," Craig pleaded, his eyes glistened with tears and the sight almost broke my heart. I knew how hard seeing him again had been for me but it hadn't truly registered how much it was making him suffer too, not until that moment.

"I can't," I said quietly. I wanted nothing more than to hold him close, to tell him to stay with me and forget everything else. I wanted to and I think he wanted me to.

"I love you… I've always…"

"Craig you have a wife… you're trying for a baby…"

"I know… it's just…" Craig's sigh was so heavy with the weight of the world and instinctively my arm was around his shoulders, I was surprised to find him shaking and that made me want to hold him closer. "Before I saw you again," Craig continued, "I thought I was happy… things with Helena… it had all happened so fast really but it was good… we were good…"

"Tell me," I said quietly. I don't know why but I felt like I wanted to know, needed to know, maybe then I could really let him go. Maybe.

"We met at work," Craig said as he leant back against my side, letting my arm envelope him. "I'd seen her about, well you would notice someone that beautiful wouldn't you? But she worked on another floor so we'd never really spoken, it wasn't until the works Christmas party that we really got talking and… I dunno… we just hit it off I guess… we were married within six months…"

"That was fast…"

"Maybe it was too fast," Craig said sadly, "I think I… I just needed to be with someone who loved me again…"

"But you DO love Helena don't you?"

"Yes… no… I, I think so but it's different now…"

"Why now?"

"Because you're here… because I can remember what I'd tried so hard to forget…"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be… it's just…"

"What?"

"How can I be with her when I want to be with you?"

Craig's mouth was warm against mine, his kiss gentle but hungry as I gave in to my own longings, letting the kiss deepen until both our chests were heaving with pent up passion.

"Craig stop," I said suddenly, pushing him away when all I really wanted to do was pull him close and make love to him.

"What… why… don't you…"

"You know I do but…"

"But?"

"I need you to be sure Craig… really sure… I can't… we can't start something while you're still with Helena, while you're trying for a child… I want you so much Craig but I need to know it's really what you want too."

"It is," Craig insisted and it would have been so easy to believe him, not that's not fair I did believe him, but I also knew that he wasn't in the easiest of situations and I couldn't expect him to be able to walk away from his marriage without a second thought.

"Take some time," I told him as I got to my feet and led Craig back to the door, "Be sure, really sure… and then if you want to you come back to me… I'll still be here."

"I will come back for you," Craig said as he left my apartment and every inch of my body hoped that he would.


It sometimes feels like I've been friends with Nathan for a lifetime instead of just a few years. Almost from the start we connected on so many levels and shared a trust and degree of intimacy that usually took much longer to build.

We could talk together, share a laugh or confess our fears and shed a few tears, there was never a moment when I felt that I couldn't discuss things with him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same.

Only about a month after knowing him Nathan had gone away on holiday, leaving me his apartment keys so that I could keep an eye on the place. A short time after my own holiday plans had me repeating the gesture.

We never returned each other's keys, keeping them instead for "emergency" use but that quickly changed to simply using them to let ourselves into each other's homes without question. If we fancied calling around to see each other then we just would, there was no need to call ahead and arrange it and it never caused any problems.

Well once it might have, back at the start, when I walked into Nathan's apartment to find him "entertaining" a young woman in his bedroom, the door wide open giving me a more complete view of my friend than I had ever had before, or indeed ever wanted.

After that day we had established a kind of unspoken code. Ever since his childhood, when Nathan had been locked in his bedroom for hours as a punishment for some long forgotten misdemeanour, my friend had always slept with his bedroom door slightly ajar, needing the reassurance that his exit from the room was not blocked to him. Because of this I soon learned that a closed door would mean that Nathan was not alone in the room and under such circumstances I would tiptoe out of the apartment, my presence hopefully unnoticed.

Following Craig's visit on Friday evening I had been unable to settle. I'd cancelled the plans I had made to meet a few friends for drink that evening and instead spent the night alternating between pacing my room and trying to catch a few fitful hours of sleep.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do next.

Craig needed time, I needed Craig to take time, but I couldn't shake the feeling that when it came to the final decision the life that contained a wife and child would appeal more to my ex than a life with me. For all I knew, and for all he knew, the next generation of Dean's could already be starting its life. It would just be my luck to find him again only to lose him to the one person he would never be able to love more, his own child.

If that happened I knew I would have to go, to leave and not come back again. I could not, would not, be the man who broke up a marriage AND a family. Alan was establishing an office for the record label in Los Angeles and I knew that if I asked he would approve my transfer there. The truth was if I couldn't have Craig then I couldn't be around to see him happy with someone else, as selfish as that might sound I know I couldn't bare it. Better to go away, far away, and start again. Start forgetting him again. I done that once, and quite successfully I'd thought, and I could do it again if I had to.

By the middle of Saturday afternoon I felt like I was going slowly insane. So many thoughts were spinning around in my head that I was getting dizzy. One second I would convince myself that Craig wanted me more than anyone else and he would soon be back to tell me so, only for me to believe an instant later that I was never going to be able to compete with the family that I know a part of that man had always wanted. A family to make his mother proud.

I needed someone to talk to and there was only one person I could be guaranteed would give me his honest opinion. Nathan would never say what I wanted him to say but rather what I needed him to. He would never deliberately say anything to hurt me but at the same time Nathan would not hold back if he believed I was doing something wrong, something stupid, and as such had helped me avoid making several costly mistakes over the years.

Nathan was my dearest friend and confidant, he knew how much I still loved the dark haired boy of my youth who had now become a man, and I knew he would tell me the truth of the situation. If I was being an idiot Nathan would tell me and if I should hold on to hope he would tell me that too.

Grabbing my keys I headed out of my apartment.

I had hoped that the drive over to Nathan's would help clear my head and it had done at first, I turned the radio up loud and let the eclectic sounds of a local radio station wash over me, the music managing to replace my thoughts, the lyrics supplanting the words that were turning over and over in my mind.

And then a song from my youth came over the airwaves and it distracted me so much I almost crashed into the car in front of me, not noticing that it had stopped at the traffic lights. My breaks screeched as I slammed them down, my car stopping a mere hairs breadth from the black bumper of the vehicle ahead of me.

My heart was racing and my knuckles were white as I gripped onto the steering wheel, my chest rising and falling as I gasped for breath and my cheeks were damp with tears. And all because of a song.

That was the power of music of course, that was one of the reasons I love it so much. It's so much more than a clever lyric and an intriguing piece of melody, the real magic behind good music is its ability to transport you, to capture a moment in time and freeze it forever to be revisited the second that song is heard again.

For an instant I felt like I was seventeen again, hopelessly in love with my best friend but knowing I never had a chance to be with him. On the evening of my girlfriend's birthday I had finally told him how I felt and then, a few weeks later, we had shared our first kiss. A kiss fuelled by alcohol and confusion, a kiss that would finally out me and, for a while at least, turn my best friend against me. And one song on the radio took me back there again.

'I can't stop this feeling I've got, I know who I am and I know what I'm not, I know what I've gained and I know what I've lost, But I can't stop this feeling I've got…'

The sound of car horns behind me alerted me to the fact that the lights had changed and, shaking my head to bring myself back to the present, I continued on my journey. I wasn't a seventeen year old boy anymore and Craig was no teenager either. We were both adults, with adult responsibilities, and as such we could no longer just act on whatever our hormones told us to. There were other people to consider, other lives and we couldn't just pretend they didn't matter, as much as we might want to.

With a sigh I pulled up outside of Nathan's apartment building, I really needed someone removed from this situation to talk to, I needed my friend to help me work out where I should go next and I really hoped he was home.

Slipping my key into Nathan's front door I stepped over the threshold. The small hallway was decorated with an elaborately ornate wallpaper, a dark burgundy with a swirling of flowers. Not the sort of style I would have ever connected with my friend and, on more than one occasion, he had confessed regretting his choice almost from the day it was hung, but he still never managed to get around to changing it. The doorway at the end of the hall led into the main living area, which in turn had entrances to both the kitchen and bedroom, Nathan's large en suite bathroom only accessible by a trip through his bedroom.

In a stark contrast to the hallway Nathan's living room was decorated in a simple style, the walls a neutral and inoffensive magnolia with a large cream sofa dominating the centre of the room pointing towards a state of the art entertainment system that would put many a low budget cinema to shame.

The only noticeable colour in the whole room were the bright red cushions that had been scattered over the sofa and a large abstract oil painting that dominated one wall. Nathan had painted the abstract years earlier before he had had his dreams of becoming an artist shattered by the realities of the real world and he had turned instead to graphic design. Every so often I would try to encourage him to paint again but as yet his creations had gone no further than small designs for album covers. Not that I ever gave up trying to convince Nathan that he was as talented as I knew he was.

I had been in Nathan's apartment countless times over the years and my eyes were always drawn, at least briefly, towards that oil painting but, for the first time in memory, as I walked into his living room I didn't notice it.

Nathan's bedroom door was wide open but, rather than that suggesting he was either out or alone, my friend very defiantly had company and for the first time in years he had omitted to close the door.

My first instinct was to turn and go, hoping that neither Nathan nor his female companion would notice but for some reason I felt frozen to the spot, unable to either move or speak, my eyes fixed on a sight I was desperately trying to un-see.

She noticed me at first, a small scream falling from her lips as she reached for a white cotton sheet to cover her naked frame. Turning to see what had caused his lovers sudden outburst Nathan's jaw dropped to see me standing there, obviously only just realising that the door had been left open.

"John Paul… shit…" Nathan said, his gaze darling from the woman to me and then back again. "Look it's not… shit…"

Grabbing a crimson robe that was lying crumpled on the floor beside the bed Nathan quickly covered himself as he walked towards me, closing the door behind himself and hiding the woman from view but also, I suspected, from earshot.

"I didn't realise you had company," I said levelly, turning my back and walking towards the painting, trying to lose myself in its colours.

"It's not what you think…" Nathan said, his hand coming to rest on my shoulder, surprising me with how it seemed to be shaking.

"No?" I asked, my voice heavy with sarcasm, "So I haven't just caught you in bed fucking a married woman?"

"It's not that simple…"

"It's very much that simple Nathan, how long?"

"What?"

"How long has this been going on?" Turning around I looked my friend square in the eyes, expecting him to turn away from me in shame but he returned my gaze without flinching. "Exactly how long have you been shagging Craig's wife? Christ Nathan… how did this start… you don't even know her…"

"Well obviously I do…"

"Obviously…"

Walking over to the sofa I slumped down amidst the scarlet cushions and sighed. Like things weren't complicated enough with Craig without adding this little indiscretion to the plot.

"So?" I said, "How long…"

"That night at the pub… when we went to see RodeoTraffik…" Nathan began, sitting, or rather perching, at the other end of the sofa and looking at me, a hint of sadness shimmering in his eyes.

"What? You've been sleeping with her since then?"

"No… that's when I first really spoke to her… hell I was doing you a favour, getting her out of the way so you could talk to Craig but…"

"But?"

"I don't know we just… we clicked… so I went back the next day to see her… and then the next and… I never meant for this to happen…"

"Let me guess," I snapped, "It was an accident… you accidentally put your dick inside her…"

"Don't be so crude," Nathan said with a scowl, "It's not like that…"

"So what is it like? You tell me Nate cause I don't get it… you could shag pretty much any woman you want to… so why her eh? Why a married woman? Why the fuck Craig's wife?"

"Because…" Nathan put his face in his hands for a second before looking at me again with determined eyes.

"Because?" I prompted.

"Because I think I'm in love with her."

I hardly knew what to say. In all the time I had known Nathan I had never heard him use that word, he had always favoured a more casual approach to relationships claiming that he didn't "do" serious.

"Love?" I echoed back quietly.

"It happens," Nathan replied with a small shrug, "I just never thought… I mean I tried not to John Paul… but I…"

"You love her?"

"Yeah…"

"So you've been sleeping with her all this time?"

"No… not at all… at first I would just go into the pub and talk to her… and then I invited her out for coffee… but we still just talked," Nathan laughed softly, "I don't think I've ever actually talked to a woman like that before… you know, REALLY talked… I knew I should have stopped seeing her but it was already too late… I was counting the hours until I could see her again… I was lying in bed at night wishing she was there just so I could watch her sleep…"

"Shit," I said with a shake of my head. Never in all the years I had known him had I heard Nathan talk like that and I didn't doubt that he was genuine in what he said, I hadn't realised it until that moment but I had seen a change in Nathan over the past few weeks, he had been happier than I had ever known him to be.

"Exactly," Nathan replied, "And then a couple of weeks ago we both admitted that this wasn't just a friendship we had between us and when I kissed her for that first time it was like… it was like finally feeling alive… I wanted to tell you John Paul. God I've hated keeping this from you… but how could I… I never wanted to put you in the middle like this."

"She's Craig's wife," I said, my words somewhat redundant and yet I felt they needed to be said. Nathan's words had said more than he realised, I knew exactly how it felt for someone's kiss to breathe new life into you.

"I know…"

"They're trying for a baby…"

"I know…"

"Hell Nate what if you…"

"We're being careful…"

"Oh shit Nathan… what am I supposed to do with this? You're my best mate but Craig he's…"

"I know." Moving closer to me Nathan reached out a hand and rested it on my arm, "I am sorry… I didn't ever want to put you in a position like this…"

"Craig deserves to know," I said quietly.

"You don't think there are things Helena deserves to know?" Nathan replied, "She isn't the only one lying here…"

"She's the only one cheating…"

"Is she?"

"You know she is… I told you Craig and I haven't…"

"You haven't kissed him then?"

"That's not the same…"

"You haven't wanted him… or him you?"

"Nathan that is not the same and you know it…"

"Maybe not," Nathan said as he got to his feet and began to pace, "But it's only a matter of degrees, you might not be sleeping with him but you can hardly say he's being totally faithful to his wife can you?"

I didn't answer for a moment, how could I? In some ways my friend was right, after all wasn't I there in his apartment to discuss Craig's recent visit, to tell Nathan that Craig was thinking of leaving his wife, the very wife that was currently in Nathan's bed?

"What the fuck am I supposed to do Nathan?" I asked; I couldn't get my head around how quickly everything had changed, how quickly and how completely.

"I don't know just… just give me some time… please… I know it's unfair of me to ask this of you… and I am sorry that you've been put in the middle like this… but just give me and Helena some time to work this out…"

"You really love her?" I asked.

"I really do…"

"Does she love you?"

Before Nathan could answer his bedroom door opened and Helena, now fully clothed, stepped out. "Yes she does," Helena said, her fingers lacing seemingly subconsciously with Nathan's as she went to stand by his side.

"And what about your husband?" I asked coldly, "Do you love him?"

Exchanging a quick look with Nathan that made them both smile sadly Helena nodded her head, "Yes… yes I do…"

A part of me wanted to scream out 'So do I', but instead I got to my feet and headed towards the hallway.

"John Paul," Nathan called after me as I walked towards the front door, "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," I replied honestly.

"Are you going to tell him?"

I paused with one hand on the door handle, strangely aware of how cold and smooth the metal felt to my touch.

Closing my eyes briefly I swallowed hard. "No," I replied, "I wont tell him…"

"Thank you," Helena said quietly.

"I wont tell him," I repeated as I opened the door, "Because you're going to… You asked for some time Nathan? You've got two weeks… and if he hasn't been told by then…"

I left my sentence unfinished as I closed the door and leant against it, we all knew what was left unsaid.

I couldn't help but wonder if two weeks would be long enough, or would it be too long? Despite my belief that Craig deserved to know the truth it wasn't just my loyalty to Nathan that was keeping my lips sealed.

As I got back into my car Craig's words from the previous night replayed over and over in my mind.

"I will come back for you."

I wanted that to happen more than anything else in my life, but I wanted it to happen because Craig wanted me just as much as I wanted him, not because his wife had found someone else. I needed to be Craig's choice and not just his consolation prize, but if Helena told him about Nathan before he made that choice then how would I ever really know? And if I didn't know then how could we ever survive? We had failed once, I couldn't face that again.

Suddenly Los Angeles sounded very appealing.