A/N- My theme for my Cooking Class cook book is Twilight. It is widely agreed upon in my class that I should be shot for some of my puns. (DOES ANYONE WANT SOME "WEIRWEINERS" OR "VAMPASTA" OR"QUILEUTE QUICHE?")
My social life has taken a severe dive since this project.
Reviewer of the Week:
Sparrow Logan: I can just picture Max getting that poem and just kinda looking around and saying "um gross" and Fang would cry or something. Or go sit in his emo corner with some bacon. Lol.
#1 Comment of the Week:
Employee at local bookstore: Would you like that with or without zombies?
#2 Comment of the Week:
Guy in Cooking class: I didn't harness the power of bacon.
June 17, 2009
I think that if I wasn't a mutant bird kid, I would be a mass serial murderer.
Think about it. It only makes sense. I have all the makings of a serial killer. (And no, not a cereal killer. I don't sit in front of my Cheerios with a knife yelling, "DIE! DIE! DIE!")
I'm quiet. I don't sleep well. I hate authority. I like blowing stuff up.
So yeah. I'm screwed.
It was Gazzy and Iggy, naturally, who brought this whole thing up. And they're the reason why I'm going to be on America's Most Wanted next month. Well, remember how I said I was going to romantically woo Max by "mysteriously" courting her? I wrote another poem.
I love you
I really do
And I know you like chocol-ate
Which does not make you fat
You're so thin
I want to take your for a spin
In my car
Which would go far
Into the sunset
Isn't the image of the car driving into the sunset romantic? I certainly thought so, even though it didn't rhyme with anything. But anyways, I was just going to place the poem on her pillow or something.
The thing is, when I was proof-reading it, I thought it would be an awesome idea to put some chocolate with the poem. You know, it would link the poem to what girls love most: chocolate.
There was just one problem: our house runs out of chocolate ridiculously fast. Seriously. You bring in a bulk box of chocolate bars, lock it in a room with Gazzy and Iggy, and the bars will be gone within ten minutes, hands down.
They're like a black hole of nothingness. It's rather hypnotic to watch them eat.
For the past while I've saved up a fair bit of money, most of which was obtained by not-so-legal methods from the past. (I don't do anything like that now, so it doesn't really count.) But all in all, I've got about three hundred dollars saved up.
And since I knew I was going to throw myself into the Project of Doom (as I was now calling this year-long adventure) I might as well invest in it.
One of the most awesome things about not having to go to school is having control over your own timetable. Since I didn't want anyone catching me, I woke up ludicrously early (10 a.m.) and caught the bus to downtown Mesa. Downtown, which was basically a collection of low-lying stores clustered along one long strip of road, luckily had a dollar store.
As the air-conditioning nearly blasted me away as I stepped through the front door, I was met by the smell of too many air fresheners and perfumes. I was glad it was so cool: I had my wind-breaker on to cover my wings, and the jacket tended to keep in the heat. A scarily-perky girl waved at me from the empty cashier. "Good morning!"
I mumbled something like "Morning…" but I think it came out as more of a snarl. I have that habit. Maybe my mouth is lazy and that's why I hate talking.
Or maybe I'm just shy.
I scanned through the aisles and found the chocolate section immediately. My mouth was watering. There was everything from Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, (delectable) to Mars bars, (delicious) to Snickers, (divine) to Aeros (delightful).
I was in heaven.
Maybe I'll die by drowning in chocolate. Wouldn't that be awesome?
But I had a more pressing question.
What to get Max?
Chocolate was a relatively new phenomenon. I mean, when we were on the run, we'd occasionally get it, but other than that we hadn't had a steady stream of it for years. So Max had never come up to me and said, "Hey, Fang, if you're ever trying to go out with me, pick me up some Smarties and it'll all be cool."
That would've been nice.
But since the world doesn't automatically put itself together, I'd have to take a guess. And since I had quite a bit of money, I could take my chances…
I grab a bunch of the products, not really paying attention to the brightly-colored packaging. I frowned, noticing that they were slipping through my arms to the tiled floor below. I dumped them on a shelf, went to the front, grabbed one of those free baskets, and came back. This time I put my original items in the basket, plus a few more for good measure.
I went up to the perky girl who had greeted me. "Did you find everything you were looking for?"
"Mmmhmmm."
"Excellent!" She looked at what was in the basket. She looked slightly confused for a second at the basket (which was overflowing) but said nothing as she scanned each item. I helped bag the items and then went to pay.
"That'll be $60.79," she said, slightly wary. I nodded, taking out my wallet.
I handed her the money. She looked a bit surprised that I had just paid sixty dollars for chocolate, but in my opinion, I had just paid sixty dollars for the love of my life.
As it turns out, sixty dollars of chocolate fills quite a few plastic bags. (Oh, the environmentalists of the world would love to kill me right about now.) I grabbed the bags and carried them out into the bright sunlight of the afternoon. I made my way over to the bus stop, where I looked at what time the bus would come next at. It was 12:21 p.m., and the bus didn't come until 12:45.
And let me tell you, it's pretty hot in the middle of Arizona in the middle of June in the middle of the day.
And I had mass amounts of chocolate.
Outside.
In the heat.
It doesn't take a nuclear physicist to realize what would happen.
So, I had sixty dollars worth of chocolate that, in a few minutes, would quite literally be running down the drain.
I sighed. Brilliant work, Fang. Brilliant.
Looking around, there wasn't any place I could go for refuge. The shops around were all pretty sketchy and I really didn't want to risk missing the bus. There were no trees around, and since the sun was directly overhead, there wasn't any shade. Frustrated, I kicked a stone at my foot.
The stone cast a shadow.
I narrowed my eyes. I cast a shadow.
I took the bags and positioned them close to each other. Then, I stood about a foot away from them. Sadly, my shadow only covered half of the bags.
I threw my arms wide and stepped back. Now my shadow covered the bags. So I stood there with my arms outstretched, happy at how smart I was.
Which was when I realized how stupid I looked.
"Hey, Jesus, are you blessing the chocolate?" asked a dumbass as he passed by.
"Say it again and I'll smite your ass back to wherever you came from," I snapped. The guy smirked and kept walking.
I noticed the drivers' faces in their cars as they passed by. In one car, with the window down, I heard a little girl yell, "Look, Mommy, it's a crazy person you warned me about!"
I groaned. I wanted to bust out my wings and fly home, but I'd promised Dr. M to keep the flying to a minimum.
Finally, I saw the bus coming up the street. I let my arms down, which was a relief: sweat was started to roll of my arms. I picked up my bags and stepped onto the bus, the automatic doors opening before me. (Don't you feel like a Jedi when they go swoosh?)
I went to the very back of the bus and sat in the very back corner. The bus took off as soon as I sat down.
My eyes were unfocused as I stared out the window, thinking of how much Max would love my gift. I thought of the perfect scenario…
It was midnight and pouring rain…lightning crackled outside the window. Max was staring outside the cold, empty window. She was dreaming of her absent friend, her lover…
A dark shadow moved in the corner of the window. Max took in a breath with excitement. She threw open the door, the cold wind blowing rain drops into her. She jumped down the porch steps and ran with all her power over to the forest, where I had arrived.
"Fang!" she gasped. Her clothes clung to her body in all the right places.
"Max…" I said in a deep, guttural voice.
Behind her, the lightning increased in its power and strength. Max lowered her voice an octave. "What're in the bags?"
"All the chocolate you desire, my love…"
"Oh, Fang! How much I love you! You make my heart beat wildly like the hooves of a herd of horses! Kiss me, Fang!"
I dropped the bags and picked her up bridal style. By now, her wet hair was running down her back. With a gasp she threw her head back as I brought my lips to hers, with the sound of thunder synchronized with her cry of passion.
"Fang…" she yelled… "Fang! Fang!"
"Nick?"
"Woah!" I yelled, snapping my head up. Get a hold of yourself Fang…
There was a red-headed girl with her head taking up the majority of my vision. My brain snapped into overdrive, like it had smelled something from a long time ago…my memory was clawing forward…
Oh my God.
"Lissa?"
"Nick! You remember me!"
Jesus Christ. These are the things the happen in bad stories: your semi-ex shows up in the middle of nowhere only to ruin your life.
If only I hadn't shouted her name I could have pretended not to have known her. "What are you doing here?" I asked.
"My family moved! What are the chances of seeing you here? It's such a small world!"
I sighed inside. What were the chances? Lissa had been a one-off thing. So one day I had been a little, well…horny…and she had picked up on my vibes. And afterwards, when I realized my mistake, I had tried to cut my ties to her…
But no, she has to bloody well stalk me.
She was a small, shrewish girl whose kindness matched the number of freckles she had. I felt bad for ditching her, but she was just a first crush. So yeah, I was the total bad guy in the situation.
"I was so excited when I saw you get on the bus! I thought to myself, 'Could that really be him?' And I was watching you for a while, and you started to smile, which was when I was really sure it was you."
I did one of those awkward laughs. "Ha ha…yeah… it's me." There was a pause and I realized I had to keep the conversation up. "When did you move?"
"Last month. My Dad got fired, so that sucks. But it's all cool. Oh, random topic change – do you still live with that girl? I don't remember her name...she was our age..."
I nodded, suddenly wary. "Yeah."
"Oh. Okay. Just wondering."
I nodded, and saw with slight relief that my stop was approaching. I grabbed the wire that ran the length of the bus. A little red sign lit up at the front. "It's my stop…" I said. "See you later."
"Bye!"
As I stepped off the bus, I couldn't help but wonder why she asked about Max. But at least if Max suddenly died in her bed in the middle of the night, I'd have a suspect. I decided to forget about Lissa. In a town the size of Mesa, I shouldn't have to worry about running into her.
As I reached the house, I was disappointed to find that a) it wasn't raining and b) Max didn't come running to see me. As I stepped inside, I could hear Max and Nudge talking to each other from their room. I walked down the hall, ditched my bags on my bunk, and leaned outside their door.
"Fang's hair is getting long," Max mumbled. "It's really annoying."
"Yeah," Nudge said solemnly. I heard something that sounded like plastic moving and a crack.
"Ugh, how can you eat that?" Max asked. She sounded slightly disgusted.
"It's delicious!"
Max shook her head. "Ever since I saw Gazzy down five Snickers bars in three minutes, I can't eat chocolate again."
I froze.
No…fricking…way.
I sighed. Well. It looks like I'd have to re-write my poem AND go out and buy more junk food…
What do teenage girls like to eat other than chocolate? I thought about it….I knows…chips! Who doesn't like chips?
So my newfound idea led me to once again being on the bus back to downtown. As I walked back into the dollar store, I grabbed a basket and started loading it up.
I grabbed all my favorites: Lays (amazing), Doritos (awesome), Pringles (astonishing), Tostitos (astonishing), Humpty Dumpty (awe-inspiring)…
Maybe it would be better to die by drowning in chips. But they're all sharp and poky. So maybe not.
Either way I ended up back at the counter. The perky girl was still there and looked extremely surprised as I dumped my stuff on the counter.
"Hi again!" she said.
"Mnmmm…"
This time, the total was $71.90. As I forked over the cash, I couldn't feel slightly annoyed.
At least this time no one thought I was Jesus as I waited for the bus. By now it was early afternoon, and shadows had begun to grow. No one I knew was waiting for me on the bus, either. (I was half-expecting Jeb or Ari to stop and say hello.)
I dragged myself into the house, tired of walking. I dumped my bags on my bunk bed along with the chocolate. You could hardly see the mattress now.
I walked into the kitchen, hungry. I grabbed a spare slice of pizza and shoved it in my mouth, glad to finally be home. I leaned back in the kitchen chair, wondering what rhymed with "chips".
Suddenly, Max walked down the hall with Angel. "Hey, Fang," Angel called out. I waved slightly in greeting.
Angel walked over to the pantry and grabbed nothing other than chips. She opened the bag with a pop. "Want some, Fang?"
I shook my head. "No, but thanks."
Angel turned to Max. "What about you, Max?"
"No thanks, love," Max said, bending down to Angel's eye level. "I don't really like chips."
GOD DAMMIT.
I threw myself back over the chair and groaned loudly. "Something wrong, Fang?" Angel asked sweetly.
"No…" I said, my voice sounding weird. I…hate…my….life…
So.
Ten minutes later I was back on the bus. The bus driver grinned as I got on. Right as he opened his mouth, I just glared at him. Apparently, I have quite the glare. I should trademark it. You know, Fang's Glare of Destiny©.
After the bus ride, I found myself staring at the candy aisle in the dollar store. It was the only junk food left. I didn't even pay attention to the brands as I grabbed whatever was closest.
The girl was openly shocked to see me again. "It's a shame we don't have a frequent buyers' card!" she said.
I glared. Fang's Glare of Destiny©, actually.
The total was $82.37. I was quite sad to see all this money go to waste, but when Max fell into my arms, it would be worth it.
Once again, I made it home without any incident. Thank God.
I trudged through the hallway down to my room. I dumped out my bags of candy onto the bed and did the same with the rest of the bags. Some of the candy spilled out to the floor, but I was so exhausted, I didn't bother to pick it up.
Actually, I was even hungrier than when I had eaten the pizza. And since I was surrounded by chocolate that Max wouldn't eat…
Let's just say I beat Gazzy's five Snickers bars in three minutes record.
I went through a lot of the chocolate, since I didn't want it to go to waste. And this is where I go back to the opening on this entry.
Gazzy and Iggy happened to walk into the room then, and stopped dead when they saw me surrounded by $215.06 of junk food, with the tons of wrappers surrounding me and all over the floor. It didn't help I had a Mars bar stuck in my mouth.
"Heh guyz," I mumbled. "Wasup?"
There was a pause.
Then:
"HAHAHAHAHA! IGGY, HE'S GOT HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS OF JUNK FOOD. FANG IS PMS-ING!"
"NO WAY!" Iggy cut in. "I THINK HE'S PREGNANT."
"Shut up!" I yelled, rolling off the bunk bed. However, I didn't calculate the fact that my balance was extremely off from all the chocolate, which basically meant I rolled off the bunk bed and onto the floor with a huge BAM.
"HAHAHAHA!"
I had landed on some of the candy, which poked into me uncomfortably. My back throbbed. "Damn… you… guys…hate…you…help…me…"
Then there was a flash from a camera.
"Gonna…kill…you…"
Their laughs wouldn't stop. I closed my eyes, gathering my strength. They leaned over me.
"Gonna…pay…" I said. Then, I jumped up and tackled them both to the ground. Both of them hadn't been expecting it.
They both blindly hit me, but they still had the advantage, especially considering I was choking on a Mars bar. I ran them into the dresser, rattling a mirror as we did so.
The noise attracted the girls. Max took in the strange sight. "What in the WORLD is going on here?"
"Fang…is…going…through…menopause…" Gazzy chocked out. Literally choking I might add, seeing as I was throttling him by the neck.
"Fang!" she yelled. "Let him go!"
I held on a few second for good measure – it wasn't as if I'd actually hurt him – but let go.
Max took in the sight of my bed. "I'm not going to ask…" she mumbled. "Come on Gazzy, Iggy, let's leave Fang to his emotional-eating."
They closed the door on me. I groaned and collapsed on Iggy's bottom bunk. I pulled out my diary from my mattress, which is how I ended up here, in a room full of two hundred dollars worth of junk food, which I could no longer give to Max, seeing as she'd know it was from me.
Well then.
If I'm trapped in a room full of junk food, I might as well make the most of it.
-Fang
