Black Ice: Ch. 3

By: The Confused One

A/N: I know I promised chapters of other stories days ago, but this one wouldn't let me go. So, this chapter is the result. Please enjoy and remember to review. Thanks.

A sense of dread came over Bobby as he approached the wreck and realized the accident was on the same road she would have taken to go home. His heart quickened, and the knots in his stomach were just getting worse. He was still hoping Deakins was wrong. It had to be just a coincidence. Parking a few feet away, he had trouble with his keys because his hands were trembling.

Getting out, he began to approach the scene. He could already tell it was the right make and model car. From afar he could see what happened. Whoever the driver was, hit a patch of black ice in the middle of a curve. They spun out, and slammed into the giant tree on the side of the road. The car was now facing the opposite direction it had been coming, and it was crumpled against the tree, completely caving in the driver's side.

The thought that it could be her and of what her last moments would have been like, if it was, made him nauseous. He couldn't accept that it was her. Approaching the yellow tape, he fumbled for his badge, and silently showed it to a couple of officers before crossing the tape.

The closer he got to the car, the more he knew it was hers. He knew her car, and this was it. Out of desperation, he slowly walked to the back to check the tags. Seeing the right license plate number, he gasped at the sudden pain in his chest. He couldn't deny it any longer. They had it right. It was Alex, his Alex.

Avoiding the detective that was approaching him, he made his way around the car, to the driver's side. Looking inside, he could see the blood and some blonde hair. Closing his eyes, he had to look away. For the first time in a very long time, a crime scene was making him sick. Tears streaming down his face, he turned around and leaned against the car. Sliding down it, he stared into the darkness before him and started to sob.

Bobby had caught Detective Eric Olsen's attention. Following him around the car, he watched as Bobby cried. Approaching him, he ventured, "Excuse me..." When Bobby just continued sobbing, making no signs of having noticed him, Eric looked away a minute to let Bobby compose himself.

Eric was determined to find out what was going on. Then he remembered the phone call he had just received, and realized who he was must be looking at. Hearing that Bobby was pulling himself back together, he looked over at him again and ventured, "Detective Bobby Goren?"

Not moving from where he was, Bobby nodded lightly. He wanted to wake up and realize it was all a dream, and if he couldn't have that, he just wanted to be alone. So there was irritation in his voice as he answered, "Yeah."

Relieved, Eric sighed. At least he knew who it was now. He closed his eyes for a moment. He never liked seeing anyone in so much pain. Swallowing his feelings, he replied, "Good. I'm Detective Olsen. You're Captain called. He was worried. He...said he'd be here soon. He figured you'd end up here. It was something about your partner and you ignoring his calls. Can we, uh, walk over there? This...is a crime scene."

Bobby nodded mutely. He knew Eric was right. Getting up, he walked away from the car. Unable to look at it, he kept his back to it. Sensing Eric following behind him, Bobby whispered, "She's...my partner. I had to...see it for myself. I can't...you don-didn't know her. Stubborn, scrappy, fierce...you don't just lose Alex Eames. I couldn't-can't accept that she could just be gone."

Watching Bobby breathe heavily, Eric sighed again. No one ever does. He softly commented, "If it helps, they think she died on impact."

It didn't help. She was still gone, and it didn't lessen the pain in his heart, but Bobby simply nodded, choosing not to tell the other detective anything. He fought down the new wave of nausea and sobs.

With a sigh, Eric hated this, but he knew he was going to have to ask these questions eventually, in order to close the file on what seemed to him to be turning out to be just a tragic accident. He hesitated a moment, before asking, "Do you know where Detective Eames was tonight?"

Bobby closed his eyes. More tears trickled down his face. None of it mattered now. None of their reasons for keeping their relationship quiet mattered at all anymore. There was nothing left to protect. He had to fight down more sobs as he quietly admitted, "With me. She was with me. We've been together for about six months now. She was afraid we might get snowed in. She was taking care of a dog, Milo, for her brother, and wanted to get home to take care of him."

No judging. Don't make a deal about him sleeping with his partner. Eric simply nodded and ventured a little further, "OK. Did she have anything to drink tonight? Did she have a history of speeding?"

Anger welled inside Bobby, and he was almost grateful for it. Anger was an emotion he could handle. Anger was an emotion he could channel all of his pain into. Pivoting to face Eric, he insisted, "She had two glasses of wine all night, hours apart. She was not drunk, and she wouldn't have been speeding, not in weather like this. She grew up here in the city. She...knew better. She was not reckless."

Before he could say anything, Eric heard another voice behind him. Except this voice was calmer, quieter, and more authoritive than Eric's voice was. "Bobby."

Bobby glared at Eric for a moment longer and turned his attention to the new speaker. Locking eyes with Deakins, Bobby simply shook his head, and stalked away.

Walking a few feet, Bobby stared out into the darkness, just wanting a few moments of peace. He couldn't make his heart and soul understand something his mind couldn't deny any longer. More tears cascaded down his cheek as he shut his eyes. He already felt so very lost without her. There was a cold and empty feeling that began to settle over him, clinging like a virus.

Deakins looked at Eric and assured him, "I've got him from here. Thanks."

With a nod, Eric walked away. As he headed towards his partner, Eric mused that his Captain was going to love the way the report was shaping up for this one.

Taking a deep breath, Deakins focused on Bobby. Walking towards his hurting detective, he swore he could hear quiet sobs coming from him. Steeling himself for Bobby's reaction, Deakins gently scolded him, "You shouldn't be here."

Bobby nodded. Bobby forced back the tears. Pulling himself together, he focused on Deakins' words. The part of him that knew Deakins was right, whispered, "I know, but I had to come."

Deakins nodded in understanding. Hesitating for a long moment, he finally asked, "Bobby, you never answered my question. She was at your apartment tonight wasn't she?"

Bobby nodded slowly. Pushing back more tears and stiffening, he rubbed his face with his hands, and quietly replied, "I-I should have made her stay. She was...worried about Milo, her brother's dog. She was...dog-sitting." Covering his mouth, he whispered, "Oh, God. Why didn't I make her stay?"

Deakins shook his head. Putting his hand on Bobby's shoulder, he reminded him, "You didn't know, Bobby. You couldn't have known. You can't blame yourself for this."

Bobby shook his head and insisted, "I…knew something was coming. I could feel it. I let her down."

Deakins was irritated. He was not about to let Bobby blame himself for this on top of grieving for her loss. Squeezing Bobby's shoulder, he persisted, "You didn't let her down, Bobby. You aren't psychic, and you aren't a superhero. You could not have known this was going to happen. You can't stop or fix everything."

Bobby still had trouble believing that. Looking at Deakins, he confessed, "I…love her. I'll always love her, and I'll never be able to say it in past tense." Not seeing anything remotely close to surprise on Deakins' face, Bobby shook his head and continued, "We tried to keep things…quiet."

With a nod, Deakins assured him, "You did, but I pride myself on knowing my detectives. I'm just not sure why you two were keeping it all so quiet."

Bobby laughed bitterly, choking back fresh tears. Closing his eyes, he explained, "We...knew the firestorm it would cause, even if we wouldn't be split up. You know what we were doing is still frowned upon by the department. There would have been so much heat, especially because it was us, and we...wanted to be ready for it, completely solid." Shaking his head, he changed the subject, "I have to…I have to go to her apartment. I have to call her family."

Grabbing Bobby's arm, Deakins refused to just let him go. Meeting Bobby's eyes, Deakins noted there was no sparkle, no light. The alertness that defined his detective's eyes was gone. Looking away from the emptiness and pain that were Bobby's eyes, Deakins couldn't help but note how dark the younger man's features were in general. Worried, he finally suggested, "Bobby, you don't need to go to her apartment. You need to go home and let me worry about the dog and calling her family."

Bobby stubbornly shook his head no. He would not be coddled. He needed to do this on his own. Seeing the worry clearly etched on his Captain's face, Bobby tried to assure him, "I just…have to do this, and I have to do it alone. I have to…be near her things."

With a sigh, Deakins let go of Bobby's arm. He tried one last time, "Bobby, I don't like the idea of you being alone right now. Please, at least let me go with you."

Bobby shook his head and tried to assure Deakins, "No. No. I need to be alone right now. You don't have to worry. I'm-I'm not going to do anything stupid. I just...need some space."

Deakins nodded slowly. He understood Bobby's desire to be alone to process, but it still worried him. He reminded Bobby. "You have a lot of people who care about you and…cared about her. We're here for you. If you need anything reach out. Call someone. Call me. You're not alone. You understand that?"

Bobby nodded mutely. Making his way to his car, he noticed Deakins cautiously approaching Alex's crumpled one. Closing his eyes, he forced himself inside his car. Willing the slight tremor that had returned away, he drove to Alex's.

Afraid to disturb anything, Bobby carefully and slowly made his way into her apartment. Closing his eyes, he was relieved. It still smelled completely of her. Ignoring the dog that was wagging his tail and happily bouncing up and down barking, Bobby made his way to her room. Shutting the door, he left the dog whining and scratching to get in. Curling up on her side of the bed, he took in the scent of her pillow. It smelled perfectly of her, and he fell apart, sobbing.

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Deakins' words didn't sink in immediately. A dull buzzing began in his ear, and Bobby could feel his world crumbling around him. Trying desperately to stave off the destruction, he refused to believe it was true. Trying to convince himself that Deakins was wrong, he went over the reasons it couldn't be her in his head. She always insists on driving, claiming I would get us killed. She's always such a careful driver, careful to fault. No, it can't be her. It can't be true. Not Alex. He's wrong.

Only getting silence from the other end, Deakins cautiously spoke, "Bobby…"

Shaking his head, Bobby could feel the pain welling in his chest. He couldn't let it be true. It would hurt too much. He insisted, "It's not her. It can't be…Alex."

Swallowing hard, Deakins whispered, "They're sure, Bobby. I…know what was going on with you two. I'm sorry, Bobby. I'm so sorry."

Ignoring the comment about their relationship, Bobby still refused to believe it. As a sob got caught in his throat, he tried to hold out hope and keep himself convinced that it couldn't be true as he continued to insist, "No. No. They can't be sure."

Taking a deep breath, Deakins tried to make Bobby see the truth. "They are, Bobby. She was only about ten miles from your apartment, Bobby. She…was there tonight, right?"

Bobby couldn't answer that question. He wouldn't answer that question. Alex would kill him. He wanted to believe this was all some sort of ploy to make him confess, but he knew. He was being paranoid. Jimmy Deakins would never and could never be that cruel. Only ten miles? If it's her...I know where it is. I have to see it myself. I have to know. "I...have to go. I can't..."

Hanging up, Bobby instinctively hit Alex's home speed dial number. She's there by now, asleep. She'll be mildly annoyed at being woken up, possibly even chew me out in amused exasperation. It'll be something about me not being able to be apart from her for two hours. Just hearing her voice...it'll be OK.

When it finally went to her answering machine, Bobby began to panic. Throwing jeans and a sweatshirt on, Bobby grabbed his coat, wallet, and keys and left. He had to take the drive to her house. He had to be sure. As he left, he hit Alex's cell phone speed dial number and prayed she answered it. Come on, Alex. Be at the grocery store. Answer and tell me you just got out of the shower. Anything. Just please answer the phone. But no one answered her phone. When his phone beeped, telling him he had another call, he checked and saw that it was Deakins. Refusing to answer it, he continued to try Alex's cell phone.