Had so much fun with this! Thank you to everyone who commented – I'm giddy with joy to see that people take the time to read and comment on this.
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Chapter 3: A Church And A Farewell
Remus couldn't help feeling guilty for wishing the week would speed up and bring him Saturday. This was a family holiday, after all, and he should have been happy spending so much time with his parents, but he couldn't get his mind of the kind, brown eyed boy that had made him question everything he was.
Hesitantly, at first, Remus had approached the idea of being attracted to men. The day after he kissed Ernesto, he sneaked a glance at a waiter that brought him and his parents lunch. He was hoping that maybe this attraction to Ernesto was just a phase and that the attraction was only for the one man that had been so kind to him. But he surprised himself by not being terribly disappointed when he noticed how handsome the waiter was and how he certainly wouldn't mind kissing him either.
The prospects of this new discovery scared him – he didn't want to be ostracized and condemned by society twice over, but he felt also a nervous excitement that he wasn't expecting. This was a part of him that he'd never been aware of or explored and, although he was the cautious one of the Marauders, he was a Marauder for a reason, and he sensed that a small, hidden part of him itched to explore this.
On Friday night, he received an owl back from Lily asking for him to tell he more about his holiday, ordering him to tell her everything. He sat at the small writing desk before the window looking out onto colourful, sunny gardens, and hesitated, quill poised in indecision above the parchment. He desperately wanted to tell someone everything; he wanted to blurt it all out to an understanding ear and blab about his discovery, fear and uncertainty and also a bit about his excitement. Lily was certainly an understanding person, she was kind, compassionate and he was sure she would never be disgusted with him. But when preparing to write all that had happened, he couldn't help but feel a little... stupid. Here he was, on a brilliant holiday and all he could think about was a boy he had met and how, in very little time, he'd formed an attraction for him. Remus bit his lip and was just considering lying to Lily, or at least omitting the whole truth, when the courage the Sorting Hat had placed him into Gryffindor for, kicked in. He forced himself to begin writing and found that when he did, it was surprisingly easy to continue.
Dear Lily,
It has certainly been an eventful holiday. I'm having a wonderful time here and I hope your summer is great too, but I wish you were here with me now more than ever. I feel ridiculous for writing to you about this but I feel I must tell someone before I lose my courage and set about trying to hide it from everyone, including you.
The new friend that I mentioned in my last letter offered to show me around Madrid and (after significantly less thought than was probably wise), I accepted. He showed me what a beautiful place this is and I got to see the culture at its purest, all thanks to him. His name is Ernesto and he is a truly kind and amazing person. This is going to sound ridiculous and I feel like a fool for writing it, but I like him in a different way to which I like other friends and, judging by the way we kissed, I think he feels the same way.
Here, Remus paused, hoping his parents wouldn't come back to the rooms after their late night cocktails, to see him blushing like the setting sun and looking like he wanted to throw up or burst into laughter. He wanted so badly to rip up the letter, bunch it up, burn it, whatever, but he forced himself to continue:
I've thought about it (quite extensively, as you've probably guessed) and, just maybe, this isn't a phase and indicates something about myself that I've been unaware of up until now. In any case, I think I'm quite aware of it now, and it explains many things that I'm beginning to wonder about. I've happily agreed to meet Ernesto again on Saturday and while I don't think it's 'serious', as such, I will be glad to see him again.
Words cannot describe how absolutely ridiculous I feel, writing this all to you and feeling it too, but perhaps you get the idea from this letter. I just needed to tell someone to make it more real and I trust you'll keep this between us as, I admit, I am still confused and hopeful that this is a passing phase, in which case I will never be able to face you again. But for now, thank you for listening to my confused blabbering. Please tell me more about your summer as you said nothing about it in your last letter and I'd like to know what ridiculous things James has sent you this year to express his undying love.
When I get back, perhaps I'll be of a more sane mind again to tell you more about Spain itself and the sights I've seen. I'll try to take some photos to show you this wonderful place and maybe in a couple of days I'll be able to reply to letters as a better conversational partner and less like a stuttering thirteen year old girl who has encountered Sirius Black for the first time.
Awaiting your reply with trepidation and still feeling like a fool,
Remus.
It took all of his considerable amount of self-control to reread the letter. He concluded that that was as good as it was going to get, frowning at the last line only for a contemplative moment, before attaching it to the leg of the Lupin family owl, Desdemona, and watching the dark owl disappear into the night with only a tired hoot.
Remus returned to his bed and flopped back onto it ungracefully, still fully clothed. His stomach was churning uncomfortably and his mind simply wouldn't calm down and shut up. His heart thudded madly at the thought of seeing Ernesto again tomorrow and even though he'd been sure he'd be up all night thinking about it, he found himself drifting into a deep sleep.
OOOOOOOOOOO
Remus met Ernesto the next morning at the same place and, with nothing more than a quick peck on Remus' lips, the older boy took his hand and they set off on foot to wherever it was Ernesto was taking him. Remus had to take back his hand a few times to wipe his damp palm on his jeans, embarrassed, but Ernesto only smiled at him and squeezed his hand reassuringly when their fingers interlocked again.
They walked along cracked sidewalks, Remus staring around at the busy weekend life in interest until they came across a magnificent, old, crumbling church. Locals passed it by without a second look but to Remus it seemed like a solemn memory brought to life, standing tired and faded, but also resolute in the harsh morning sun. Ernesto seemed to notice his interest and, leaving the plan for the day for a moment, he led Remus to the old building. They came to a bronze plaque before the church and Ernesto translated it into English for him, although it proved only to tell of the church's use as a religious retreat in the 1700s.
"We can enter, if you want."
"Are you sure?" Remus breathed, thinking that a single loud noise would bring the decrepit building to rubble.
"Of course, people from other countries come here a lot."
Ernesto pushed at the heavy wooden door, which opened with surprising ease, and they stepped inside. The air was musty but cool and their footsteps echoed off the crumbling stone walls. It looked as if it had been frozen centuries ago with the old, worn furniture and frayed ornaments giving it a solemn, abandoned look. Nevertheless, as a frozen piece of history caught in the present, Remus considered it amazing and he glanced at Ernesto briefly to see his reaction. Glancing around the room furtively, brown eyes catching on the crucifix hanging on the wall above the altar, the Spanish boy crossed himself.
Remus was surprised, but only a little as he was well aware that Catholicism was common in Spain. "Are you religious?"
Ernesto glanced at him quickly then dropped his hand as he seemed to become aware of himself, smiling a strange sort of bitter smile that didn't suit his kind face. "No, I was once. It is just something I got used to doing and that is why I still do that now."
Before Remus could say anything, Ernesto continued, leading him between the stifling silence of the empty wooden benches and up to the altar. Dutifully, Remus examined it but his mind was stuck on the bitter smile that had vanished now from Ernesto's face. They wandered over to another door that looked well used and Ernesto opened it with only a feeble shriek from the hinges. It led back to the outside and the back of the church. They stepped out into the harsh glare of the sunlight and Remus saw that they stood in what appeared to be a cemetery. The tombstones and crosses looked weather worn and, normally, Remus would have been interested in reading the words on them, but he was still thinking about Ernesto.
He knew he shouldn't have asked, that it wasn't really his business, but Ernesto had descended into a brooding silence and Remus just wanted to help. "Do churches bother you... because you were once religious?"
Ernesto smiled sadly before surprising Remus by turning and walking away from the graveyard, around the side of the church, as if to talk in private. Remus hurriedly followed into the cool shade that the church cast and watched as Ernesto leaned back against the rough wall of the side of the church.
"I am not comfortable with churches because they are not comfortable with me. I used to love coming to church, thinking of God made me happy and coming to church was coming to see family," Remus listened silently, feeling his heart drop at the morose tone and explanation that he was coming to understand, "But then they found out I am different; I did not want to marry girl and until I change I am not let back in my church."
Ernesto fell silent and he appeared to be studying the long grass at their feet while Remus grappled for something to say. "I'm sorry... that they didn't accept you. It must be difficult coming here to a church, I didn't know-"
"Do not be sorry, it is not your fault," Ernesto flashed him a reassuring smile, "I do not mind so much, anymore. I am happy meeting people like you and I will be happy one day to meet a boy I love and be hated by church, than meet a girl I do not love and have church happy with me."
Remus stared at him as this kind Spanish boy shone in a different light. Because he always seemed so cheerful, Remus had assumed that he was happy with his life and had little to bother him, but he realised that the boy was braver than that, much braver than Remus knew he could properly comprehend. Silently, he leaned back against the wall next to the still figure and looked at the person that he'd come to respect and think of as a good man.
"You will find that person someday and he'll be a very lucky man."
Ernesto turned and smiled at him, his eyes slightly brighter. "Thank you," he paused, then a mischievous smirk twitched as his mouth, "But for now, you will be enough."
Remus didn't even have time to laugh or be surprised as warm lips pressed against his own and after only a moment, he pressed back earnestly. Ernesto's body was warm and firm, contrasting with the cold, rough stone against his back and without thinking about it, without even being aware he was doing it, Remus pushed his body against him. The other boy seemed to take this as a sign to continue as he slid their tongues together and wrapped his fingers in Remus' fair hair.
Remus knew his mind was being overpowered by the pleasant sensations, he knew that there were valid reasons that they should stop or at least slow down, but Ernesto smelled so sweetly of cinnamon and it felt so good pushing against him like that. Ernesto moved around so he was directly in front of the slightly taller boy, pressing him firmly to the wall and gaining better access to his mouth. Without having to think about it, Remus' hands were in the short, warm, wavy hair and Ernesto seemed to approve of this, moaning into Remus' mouth. It was that sound more than anything that woke Remus up a little bit and he pulled back, panting slightly.
He was just about to say that they should stop and move on with the day, that they didn't know each other well enough to be doing more than this so soon, but then he saw how Ernesto's eyes had darkened with arousal and how his full lips were red and parted. Ernesto leaned forward again and Remus' protest was lost in the warm, wet mouth that was making his head feel light and his legs unsteady. But those weren't the only parts of his body that were affected; Remus felt the familiar pleasant tingles centering in his groin as his heart sped up its pace and thumped madly to send blood down there. Realising that he had an erection, he desperately tried to lean further back against the wall so Ernesto wouldn't feel it – it was embarrassing to have gotten hard from one kiss and he didn't know if Ernesto even wanted to go any further yet, although that certainly seemed likely by the way he was pressing against him. With a small grunt, the shorter boy wordlessly answered this thought by roughly pushing their hips together and Remus' shout of surprise was lost in the boy's mouth.
Ernesto did it again and this time Remus was able to vaguely register that the hardness pressing against his own meant that Ernesto was just as excited as he was. With a dazed, stunned disbelief, Remus realised that he had aroused someone; had made them hard. He'd never considered himself particularly attractive – he was skinny, scarred and rather plain, but here was evidence that someone saw more than that in him, and the thought allowed him to lower his defences a bit more and forget about protesting.
Ernesto's hand slid down Remus' body to cup him roughly through his jeans. Remus' head shot back against the wall, rather painfully as the wall was solid stone, and he panted loudly, breathing in the cool air in contrast to the warm tongue that had just been occupying his mouth. The hand cupping him squeezed and rubbed rhythmically and his hands slid down to clutch roughly at Ernesto's chest.
"You want more?" Remus shivered at the husky, deep voice that breathed in his ear, still recognisable as Ernesto's but undoubtedly affected.
He nodded, not know how far the boy meant by 'more', but he'd known Ernesto only to be kind and patient and trusted him to be the same now. Still, he couldn't help but feel a tug of uncertainty at the feeling of hands undoing the button and fly on his jeans, but then Ernesto quickly pulled him out of his briefs and the feeling of skin on skin made Remus forget all about everything else. He arched into the hand, his mind going blank, not even having the presence of mind to be embarrassed about this being the first person to see his erection.
He could only try to control his breathing as Ernesto smiled at him encouragingly, alternating with pressing their lips together and looking down at his own hand moving over Remus' cock. It felt wonderful, exquisite, so much better than his own hand, but Remus hadn't forgotten the feeling of Ernesto's hardness pressed up against his, and he reached down to fumble with the button and fly on Ernesto's knee length shorts.
Dark brown eyes sought out Remus' and Ernesto seemed to assess him for a moment before he helped Remus with his other hand. Somewhere, in the very back of his mind, a completely delusional part of Remus hoped that this was still a phase, maybe just hormones making him horny for anything, but his first touch of another man's cock completely silenced that part of him.
It was hot and silky and when he ran his hand over it like that, Ernesto groaned and bucked into his hand. It looked different to his own; it was darker and slightly shorter but thicker, and the hair at the base was black, not dark gold. It was also different to touching his own; he could feel the soft texture better and he realised with an inward, shocked snicker, that in a single moment he became completely confident that this was what he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, not any part of a woman.
Seeing his partner enjoying his touch, Remus became more confident, gripping tightly and alternating fast and slow movements as Ernesto was doing with his. Ernesto was loud; he moaned and grunted noisily while Remus tried not to pant too harshly, but the thought that they were in a public place, even if they were removed from the sight of the public, didn't even compare to his urgency to find completion.
Ernesto pressed their hips together again and while in this position, their hands sometimes bumped each other awkwardly, but if they thrust their hips just a little, their cocks slid against each other. Remus had thought a hand had felt good but another cock against his own was everything wonderful just rolled into one action. There was no denying it; he was a complete shirt lifer – he'd fallen in love with the feeling of a cock pressed up against his own and if that wasn't a sign that he liked men, then he didn't know what was. There was no time to ponder on such a revelation though, he just kept thrusting against the warm, quivering body before him and kept pumping his hand, now moving as fast as he could as he felt himself getting close. Ernesto copied and their movements quickened, becoming urgent and frantic and Ernesto's noises became louder and closer together. Remus was shaking inside, his legs were weak and everything was blurring before his eyes as all the sensations gathered in his groin. He heard himself let out a moan that sounded nothing like him, as fire raced up his spine, his fingers and toes tingled warningly and all the pleasure burst from him in a warm spurt into Ernesto's hand. He was bone-tired, he wanted to slump to the ground and never rise again, but he kept moving his hand for just another few seconds before Ernesto was groaning loudly, muttering something in Spanish, and then Remus' hand was covered in hot, white climax.
Ernesto slumped against him and they breathed heavily for many long moments as their bodies slowly returned to normal. Remus' eyes were closed in bliss as he let the most intense post-orgasm ecstasy he'd ever experienced, wash over him, making him dopey and content. He wanted so badly to just sink to the ground and lie there forever but then he remembered where he was. He was around the side of a historic old church, leaning against the wall... that he had his first sexual experience with a man against!
His eyes flew open and he glanced around quickly just to make sure that there really was no one around. Embarrassment crawled beneath his skin and he buried his face in Ernesto's warm, cinnamon smelling hair.
"Is something wrong?"
He heard the concern in the voice and answered in a solemn, steady voice. "We just had gay sex... against the side of a church."
Ernesto moved slightly and Remus raised his head to look into deep brown eyes. For a moment, he feared that he'd offended Ernesto by bringing to light the blasphemous act they'd just committed by bringing each other off against the church wall. The eyes stared at him blankly and the mouth was not smiling as it usually was.
Then Ernesto laughed.
He didn't just chuckle – he broke down into gales of loud laughter that Remus found he was unable to resist. He joined in and they both held each other up as they snorted and laughed loudly until they eventually ran out of air.
They rested their foreheads together as the last snorts of mirth escaped from them and Remus would have been content to stay there all day. At that moment, however, they heard voices from the direction of the cemetery and they froze against each other. Their shock only lasted for a moment before they hastily cleaned themselves up, wiping the mess they'd made, off on the grass and tried to look presentable. Stealthily they crept around into the back of the church and fixed innocent looks onto their faces, but Remus noted that Ernesto's was slightly ruined by his eyes, which were still full of devious mirth. They spotted a man and a woman, who looked like tourists, walking among the graves with their back to them as they talked loudly to each other in English.
Ernesto took his hand as they quietly made their way to the back door of the church, but the man unfortunately turned and spotted them. He smiled and waved politely and Remus did the same, although he noticed that the man's eyes then roved over their still rumpled appearance and Ernesto's messy hair, finally finishing with their linked hands. The man's smile faltered and Remus felt his face heating up. At that moment, Ernesto seemed unable to hold in a loud burst of laughter and both woman and man turned to stare at them in shock, the man's eyebrows raised pointedly.
Ernesto raised a hand over his mouth to muffle his chuckles and hastily pulled Remus over to the door, waving goodbye to the shocked tourists as he shut the door behind him. Not caring that it was a church, they ran past the altar and the empty wooden benches and out the front door. Only when they'd walked a little down the street did Ernesto finally allow himself to start laughing again and Remus couldn't help but join in.
Madrid moved on around them but, just for a moment, Remus stood in the middle of it all and laughed.
OOOOOOOOOO
That weekend and the next would be times in Remus' life that he would never forget.
His parents didn't question that he spent the weekends away from them, and he thought they might have even appreciated it as Remus supposed he wasn't the only one caught up in the exotic, romantic atmosphere. Also, in the next few weeks, Lily replied to his letter, expressing surprise, support and what sounded like annoyance that she couldn't talk to him about all of this in person. He didn't reply because by the time the owl delivered it to her, he would be back in England anyway, and he thought she'd like to discuss everything in person.
While he was still in Spain though, he spent the weekends with Ernesto, visiting more museums, art galleries, beaches and once, an open-air cafe before returning to Ernesto's house for a quick visit.
The experience that he'd had with Ernesto at the side of the church had surprised Remus by actually relaxing him. It had revealed to him who he was and had made it so undeniable and certain that Remus saw no point in trying to deny it anymore. He liked men and Ernesto had shown him that there were other people out there like him, that it wasn't the worst thing in the world to happen to him, even though it wasn't the best, and that good would come of it; in fact, it already had. Ernesto had shown him that one day he could meet someone and be happy, happier than he'd ever imagined he could be because, before, he'd never felt that happiness at the thought of being with a girl and had assumed that that sort of giddy love didn't exist for him.
He had so much to thank Ernesto for and he was dreading the return home as he'd felt happier and more relaxed during his stay than he'd felt for a while, Ernesto being a large part of that, but they both knew that this wasn't a long-term thing they had. Remus liked him a lot; he was a wonderful person and his looks didn't leave him wanting, but he'd known from the start that a relationship would never work and they both knew they were comfortable parting as friends.
They agreed to meet the night before Remus was due to leave for Britain, at the same spot on the beach where they'd first met, to say goodbye.
Remus had never been at the beach at night but it was still beautiful. The waves rolled, ever relentless, but other than that it was blissfully still and silent. Remus took a seat on the same spot on the wall where he had that first day, and stared up at the sky. The stars peppered the darkness but the almost full moon sought out Remus' eyes and he grimaced at it. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't have stayed; he would be a monster in less than three days.
"Surprise!"
Remus smiled and turned to look at the dark figure approaching.
"Still no surprise?" Ernesto asked disappointedly, his fourteenth attempt at making Remus jump being another failure.
"Nope."
Ernesto sighed and sat beside him and they both looked out at the waves in comfortable, companionable silence.
"If you come back to Madrid anytime, you will come see me?"
Remus smiled honestly. "Of course, it would be the first thing on my list. Maybe apart from eating more Churros. If you ever come to England, you'll come see me, won't you?"
Ernesto's grin brightened and he nodded. "I would love to go to England. I will come see you, maybe someday."
Remus fumbled with his pocket before retrieving a piece of paper and handing it to Ernesto without quite looking at him. "I know we can't be... together, or in a relationship, but I still want to be your friend. Will you write to me? This is my address and my parents will send anything you write along to me at my boarding school."
Ernesto took the piece of paper before folding it carefully and placing it in his pocket. Then he smiled again and took out a different piece of paper from his own pocket. "I was hoping for same thing. Here is my address, I hope you write to me soon."
Remus took it and examined the untidy scrawl for a moment before pushing it deep into his pocket with a returning smile. They were silent for a few minutes and Remus realised he was getting sleepy when Ernesto spoke again, with a mix of curiosity and mischievousness in his voice. "So, do you know if you are like me, now?"
Remus chuckled, scuffing his shoes in the sand. "Are you trying to say that you've got a thing for guys, Ernesto?"
The man laughed, shaking his head. "I knew you were – I knew the first time I talked to you."
Remus frowned a little considering this. "How? Is it really that obvious?"
Ernesto cocked his head to the side, thinking for a second. "No, maybe not to anyone not like us. I notice it because I look for it, because it is nice finding someone like me."
Remus smiled a little sadly. "Really, thank you for everything. You've done more for me than you can even imagine."
He wasn't expecting the soft, familiar lips to brush his cheek briefly, but he was glad when they did. "You are very welcome. You have done good things for me also – I know there are people like you, someone who I will love for my life. I will miss you, Remus."
Remus watched as Ernesto rose, stepping over the wall and back onto the street. Strong arms embraced him from behind and he reached up to tightly grip the forearms crossed across his chest, leaning back into the warm body one last time, soaking everything up while he could.
But then Ernesto was pulling away, smiling that smile that Remus would never forget, and he turned to walk down the street. "Don't forget to write to me and maybe I will send you my abeulita's churro recipe!"
Remus smiled at the retreating figure and waved. "I will!"
He stayed there until long after the figure had disappeared and watched the waves roll onto the beach, relentless and unknowing that they heralded the new chapter of Remus Lupin's life.
OOOOOOOOO
Yes, they had sex (sort of) against a church wall. What of it? ;P I hope it wasn't too... I dunno, there could be a lot of things wrong with it. I know it happened quickly but, to me, the situation was perfect and I didn't want to pass it up, besides, it wasn't the most intimate sex they could have. Anyway, I love comments – I feel honoured when I see new reviews!
Return to Hogwarts for next chapter. FINALLY some hints of S/R. Thanks for reading, everyone!
