October 18th
Sometimes, when he woke up, Alex was enveloped in the cold like a blanket, and a chilly breath brushed against his neck. He knew who was holding him every time, though he rarely showed himself when he did.
John was always a bit different from the others. He usually appeared alone, or at least, away from the others, watching them all from afar. He didn't talk much, especially not to Alex. Alex didn't like to talk to him anyway. He showed himself even less. Alex didn't want to see him either.
But he was always there. Alex could feel his presence whether or not he could be seen. He was colder than the others. Before Alexander had figured out why it happened, he would feel sad for no reason in the middle of the day. It was a soul-deep black abyss kind of sadness that hurt his chest and made him cry without him thinking about anything depressing in particular.
That was John.
Alex wondered if John-or any of them, for that matter-would follow him when he left college. After all, John was almost always in his own room.
Alex also couldn't tell how John felt about the others. He had missed them when they had first gone, but now his feelings were very unclear. Sometimes, John seemed so happy to be around them all again, but sometimes he resented them. He would brood in the corner while the others bothered Alex, or argue with them about how he had died because they had. They'd have to remind him that that their deaths couldn't have been stopped. That John's could have been. John blamed Alexander then.
"You could've helped me, Alex," John would say. "Why didn't you?"
"I was dealing with my own issues that you didn't believe me about," Alex answered to the empty air.
"But you knew, Alex. You knew exactly what was going to happen and you didn't care."
"I was trying-"
"LIAR!" John smashed another cup. It was the fifth time that had happened.
He was like that. His emotions changed so much. The girls were never mad. Lafayette and Hercules would yell rarely. But John was often angry at so many things. He would throw and break things, slam the doors, and scream at the others until they disappeared, then scream at Alex until he screamed apologies back at him because he couldn't do anything else. Or he would break down and fall to his knees and cry.
And then John would calm down.
That was the other side of him.
If Alexander ever felt more upset than normal, or even as soon as he would begin to cry, John would go quiet and come close to him to give him a hug as best as he could.
"I'm sorry, Alex," John whispered. "I can't help it. I'm so sorry. Please don't cry. Please. I would be so sad for all eternity if you...if you..." John placed gentle, icy, literally ghosting kisses on Alex's face until he stopped crying. "We promised each other, Alex. We can't let those promises be broken. Don't let yourself make the same mistakes."
August 20th
It had been one month since the sisters had died. One, long, horrible month.
Angelica and Eliza were quiet, but they still gazed at Alexander with blank eyes like there was nothing better to do. Peggy had joined Hercules and Lafayette in their trouble making, unfortunately. She was the one to start the trend of pulling Alex's blankets off of him in the middle of the night.
Alex hated them so much.
His only saving grace was John, but he was hardly ever seen anymore. He was always in his room. Grieving. Like a normal person.
Alex wished he could do that.
When Alex did see John, they argued constantly. John never believed Alex when he was upset about the ghosts. Of course, why would he? But maybe he could at least be nice about it instead of saying that Alexander was batshit crazy and should shut his annoying goddamn mouth for five fucking minutes. Maybe John could just try to understand that Alex was in constant pain because of what may or may not be occurring in his head. Maybe Alex should try to focus on the real world and the people in it who clearly feel more pain than he does. Maybe John should just leave Alex alone.
He didn't want to fight. He felt so bad about it. But, what else could he do?
He finally decided to apologize after so long.
He was learning how to hold himself back just enough to act like his friends weren't there when he was around John, for the most part. This was helpful when they followed him to John's room that night. Alex knocked on his bedroom door softly, chewing his lip with a tinge of fear.
"What are you doing?" Hercules asked.
"Apologizing," Alex whispered. There was no sound form the other side of the door, however, making him sigh.
"I think you upset him too much today, mon ami," Laf said. He might have been right. Alexander was trying to choose between walking away or knocking again when he heard movement. The lock on the door clicked and Alex took a deep breath and the door slowly opened and there was John.
He had been crying again, that was obvious. He wore the same sweatshirt he had been since Herc and Lafayette had died. Alex knew he only wore that sweatshirt when he was sad.
He hated that sweatshirt.
John spoke before Alex could.
"What do you want, you piece of shit?"
"I told you so."
"I'm sorry, John," Alex said with all the sincerity he could muster. "I shouldn't have said that to you earlier. I didn't mean any of it. The last thing I want is for you to leave." Alex noticed John suck in a breath and gulp nervously before he responded.
"I'm sorry, too," John mumbled as he pulled Alex into a hug. "Can you...can you stay with me tonight?"
"I'd love to."
"Aw!" Peggy cried. Alex rolled his eyes as he followed John to his bed. It wasn't like this was a big deal. John and Alexander had done this plenty of times when they were sad or scared and just needed someone to be with them. This usually occurred during a storm, but had been happening quite often recently. The two of them nestled under the covers next to each other, their faces inches apart.
"Alex, I'm gonna be honest with you," John started. "I haven't been doing well."
"I never expected that you would," Alex shrugged.
"Yeah, well, I...it's..." John sighed and looked away. "I'm trying to get better."
"That's good." Alex smiled encouragingly, getting a grin in response. Though John's smiles were usually wide and accompanied by sparkling eyes, now it was small and weak, and his eyes only glistened with tears.
"Y-Yeah...I'm trying." John brushed a few stray hairs out of Alex's face. When he moved his arm, the sleeve of his sweatshirt fell a little, and Alex chose not to think about the scars his saw on his arm. He couldn't afford to think about that right now. "Can you promise me something, Alex?" Alex nodded. "Can you...can you promise that, no matter what has already happened, and no matter what happens in the future, you won't...do anything rash?"
"What do you mean?" Alex wondered, scared.
"You know what I mean."
"He's telling you not to kill yourself, you idiot," Hercules stated. Alexander swallowed, deciding to ignore everyone but John for the rest of the night.
"Do you promise or not?" John continued, fiercely, as if he needed to know to survive. Alex thought for a moment. He actually had to think about this.
"I promise," he finally answered.
"Do you promise never to break that promise?" Alex nodded.
"I swear I won't do that to you, John."
"No." John angrily shook his head. "You can say that if you want, but I want you to say you won't do that to yourself."
"Okay, I promise." Alexander was growing more and more frightened by his friends. The voices were saying something behind him, but he refused to listen. "Can you promise me the same thing?" John gazed at him with pain in his eyes.
"I can promise that I won't let anything happen to you," John said after a moment. Panic sparked in Alex's chest.
"That's not-"
"I love you too much to even imagine you not living your life in the best possible way." John choked out, making Alex freeze.
"John..." I love you, too. "You're scaring me."
"I'm sorry. Just...go to sleep, Alex."
"John-"
"I'll stay here all night...I promise."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
"...Okay..." Alexander closed his eyes hesitantly, and eventually fell asleep.
At least, John must have thought he had, since he did some things he never would have done if he knew Alex was awake. He kissed Alex on the top of his head, then took a deep, terrified breath and spoke into the emptiness of the room with a shaking voice.
"If you guys are really there...I love you all so much. I'm so sorry."
August 27th
"Alex? Can you come here for a minute?"
In the past week, John had gotten better, according to Alex. They had been spending more time together, which certainly made Alex feel a bit happier. John had even started to smile more often. Everyone else was still there, but they kept to themselves for the most part.
When John called for him, Alex put his book on his nightstand and stood up, responding, "Coming!" When he stepped into John's room and saw him standing there with a smile on his face, Alex's heart immediately began beating faster.
Something was horribly wrong.
All at once, a wave of information rushed through Alexander's brain. Most of it being things he had subconsciously ignored during the past week.
1. John had never taken his sweatshirt off, and he still wore it now.
2. John's smile was too wide to be real.
3. John's eyes were devoid of any emotion whatsoever. It was then that Alex realized that that blankness had been in his eyes ever since they found out about the girls.
4. There was something in the pocket of his sweatshirt that was weighing the fabric down.
5. He held a folded piece of paper in his hands.
6. Alex had seen this coming
"What did you need, John?" Alexander pretended to be casual as the rest of them appeared, as if they felt the dread in the air.
"A few things, actually." John walked up to Alex, gently resting a hand in his shoulder. "Alex," he said quietly, "I'm so sorry."
"No." Alex tore himself away, making John frown. "No, you can't. You promised-"
"You promised." John pushed the paper into Alex's hands.
"John, no-"
"Read this when you can-"
"You can't do this-"
"Leave the dorm-"
"You can't do this to me!"
"Call the police to come get me-"
"John, please!"
"I'm sorry." John leaned down and kissed Alex softly on his lips, his faint smile being covered with tears. "Go." Alexander shook his head. "I can't let you be here for this."
"I can't let you do this!"
"Alexander, stop him!"
"Alex, please. You're making this harder than it needs to be."
"Don't let him do this!"
"This doesn't need to happen at all!"
"Don't let him go! Not like this!"
"Just leave!" John shoved Alex back out through the doorway, his side hitting the wall, hard. Before Alex could stand again, the door had been slammed closed. Before he could reach the doorknob, the gun had fired.
They were all screaming.
He couldn't breathe.
They were all surrounding him.
He couldn't move.
They were all dead.
He couldn't take it.
But he had a promise to keep.
But that promise couldn't stop him from crying.
