Secret Shame

Chapter 3 Runaway

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine, I'm just borrowing them but the plot is my own.

Summary: Sam has a secret he desperately wants to keep hidden but Dean finds out.

WARNING: Deals with Self Harm.

A/N

Ok, so my writing is a bit rough, although how do you like the plot? I have many ideas for exciting scenarios later on in the story. I won't carry on with it though unless people want me to. So read and review please…tell me if you want a Chapter 4 and onwards!

Thank you, happy reading!

It was early in the morning; the sound of tweeting birds outside filled the room. Dean sat at the table looking over at the other bed which resided his little brother. His mind was working in over-drive while he thought about what exactly he would say to Sammy and if he should say anything at all.

Of course I should say something, if I don't he will just keep doing it and I couldn't handle that, he thought to himself.

Thankfully Dean was able to formulate a plan before Sam groggily awoke, rubbing his eyes after a good nights sleep. Completely unaware of the sleepless night his brother had because of him.

'Dude your awake?' Sam sat up fully in bed looking over at Dean in surprise.

Smiling he said, 'Yeah, the damn birds outside woke me, I swear I'm going to shoot them before we leave.'

This produced a snigger from Sam who then started looking about the floor.

'Hey, wheres my…never mind I see it.' Walking over he grabbed his backpack and headed for the bathroom.

Dean watched him the entire time and when he realised he was going into the bathroom he jumped up, 'Uhh why don't you just change out here?'

'Because…I need a shower. Why? Do you need the bathroom?'

'No, it's just…never mind it's cool' Dean waved it off implying it wasn't important.

Sam looked at him strangely while Dean put on an innocent façade. Sighing heavily as Sam closed the door behind him Dean smacked his head, 'Stupid!'

After that Dean tried to collect himself, he felt really scared not knowing how to approach his brother. He hated chick flick moments, he was never good at emotions but now he had to be. He had to have a conversation with his brother with no jokes and no snide comments, it would be hard.

Sam emerged from the bathroom and went to sit with his laptop open on the bed.

'Ok, so I couldn't find out a lot about the family but the house is a different story. It was built 30 years ago and according to the…'

'Sam, stop…'

Sam looked up, confused and noticed his brother looked…worried. The atmosphere was tense, nobody spoke, and they both looked at each other, Sam waiting for Dean to say something. Several times Dean began to speak but stopped,

'Listen I know…umm I mean, you see…'

'Dean spit it out man!'

'Why don't we take a break today?' he raised his eyebrows in question.

'Take a break?' laughing he looked at his brother as if he had grown another head.

'Yeah, I mean we've been working so hard lately and it's only an angry spirit, it could wait a day…or two' he said smiling.

'Dean, we haven't hunted anything in like a month! How the hell have we been working so hard?' Sam frowned.

Dean walked over sitting on his bed across from his brother he closed the laptop, Sam looked apprehensive while continually staring at him.

'Listen, I want to talk to you.'

Sam groaned, 'I don't wanna talk, you have gave me the whole speech about how Jess' death was nothing to do with me, I get it, and the nightmares aren't that often anymore either ok? '

Sam stood up from the bed to walk away signifying the end of the conversation until Dean grabbed him by the arm and shoved him back onto the bed.

'I don't care if you don't want to talk and it isn't about Jessica or your nightmares. It's something else.'

Sam looked angry after been dragged back down and told he was going to talk no matter what.

'Then what the hell is it, have you heard from dad?' he said eagerly.

'No, I haven't heard from dad.' He rolled his eyes.

'It's just…' he coughed 'how are you feeling?'

As soon as the words left Dean's mouth through a twisted face, Sam's eyebrows shot up in the air. Beginning to get worried Sam started shifting about on the bed.

'Why…why do you ask?'

'Dude, come on, can't a guy ask how his little brother is feeling now and then?'

'Uhh, yes but not you. You would rather face a scary ass demon than talk about emotions. What's wrong?'

He sighed, 'Ok true' he looked at Sam's top then had an idea, 'why are you wearing a long sleeved top? It's boiling outside when the sun comes up, have you ran out of T-shirts cause you can borrow one of mine if you want?'

Panic flashed across Sam's face and Dean seen it in an instant. So it's true then, it must be. Should I just come out and ask him about it, I don't know what to do, Dad I wish you were here.

'No no I'm fine, honestly.' He gave a small smile in reassurance.

'Sam, I…' casting his eyes around the room, he tried to find the right words to say. 'Do you want to go swimming? We haven't done anything together in ages…'

'Dean, we hunt together all the time.' He said raising his eyebrows, sniggering.

'Nah I mean having fun, there is a lake nearby, you can even wear you best bikini' he said smiling and giving him a small wink.

'Haha, very funny, do you not want to do anything else? I'm not fond of swimming, we could drive into town and catch a movie or something?'

'I really wanna go swimming…' he thought he might be pushing it but he wanted Sam to say something, tell him why he didn't want to go swimming.

'Well go yourself then!' he blurted out while getting up to walk away. Dean stood up at the same time gripping onto his left arm. It didn't come as a surprise when Sam flinched while hissing at the vice grip his brother had on his arm.

'What are you doing, let go of me!'

Dean wasn't playing anymore, his face was deadly serious and his stare was solid as he looked at Sam. His mind wasn't in control anymore, his body had taken over and he couldn't stop himself from tugging at Sam's sleeve as to pull it up but he met resistance. Sam tried to pull his arm out of his brother's grasp but Dean was too strong.

'Dude! What are you doing? Let go of me! Dean, please!'

Dean eventually won the battle and pulled his sleeve up. The scars and cuts looked up at him angry and red, he immediately let go of his brother.

Sam was angry but shocked at what had happened. Dean was staring at him with sadness and pity in his eyes, Sam didn't need pity, especially from him! He thought.

Dean had no right to look at my arm, how did he know anyway? He didn't think he had been that obvious so how could he…oh no, he must have looked in my backpack!

He began to shout, 'Don't touch me ever again! Or my stuff… it's none of your business!'

Dean continued to look on at his little brother, 'Why? Why did you do that to yourself?' he said hoarsely.

Although his voice was hoarse his eyes were still firm on Sam's. There were so many cuts and scars; he didn't think it was that bad before he had seen them. He couldn't help but feel guilty, he was the big brother, and he was supposed to protect him from harm. Look what Sammy has resolved to, why couldn't he come to me if he was hurting? I would do anything to help him, he should know that…

Tears were brimming Sam's eyes, he didn't need this, and it wasn't anything to do with his brother, why would he care anyway. His anger persisted to rise; he looked about the room, anywhere but Dean's eyes. He was asked a question but he didn't think he was ready to answer it yet, not to his brother.

'Look at me!'

Sam reluctantly looked back at Dean and noticed that he too was beginning to get angry.

'It doesn't matter! It's … it's not important ok?'

Sam marched to the front door and flung it open ready to walk out until a foot slammed it closed again; he spun round to reveal a very angry Dean who pushed him back into the door...

'Don't you dare walk out of here!' he said in a deathly whisper.

Sam looked into Dean's eyes and for the first time in his life he became frightened of Dean. Unable to say anything he stood there slightly trembling. Dean pointed to the table and ordered him to sit. Unmoving Dean widened his eyes in warning, grabbing him by the upper arm and forcibly pushed him into a seat with a face that said clearly, 'don't argue with me'

Sam realised there was no getting out of this conversation. Dean wanted answers, and when Dean wanted something he usually got it! Sam kept his eyes on the table downcast as he heard his brother bang a chair down in front of him slightly to the side and sit in it.

'Sam…'

No response came from Sam; he continued to stare at the table wishing he were somewhere else. It is all too hard, Dean is going to ask a lot of questions but I don't think I have the answers. So what if I do cut myself, it helps, it makes me feel alive, I don't understand why he is so angry.

'Sam! Look at me' he waited till he seen Sam's eyes lift up to his, 'why are there cuts all over your arm?'

Sam opened his mouth to respond when Dean exclaimed, 'And don't you dare lie to me!'

Sam's stomach clenched in unease as Dean said that, he averted his eyes from his brother, how did he know I was gonna lie, I swear sometimes I think this guy is psychic.

Sighing, Sam looked at his big brother, he didn't want to tell Dean anything, it was his problem, and he can handle it. Dean doesn't always have to be involved in everything, he thought.

'Listen Dean, you weren't supposed to find out about it, it's just the way I cope with things, no big deal…'

'No big deal!' Dean was dying to knock some sense into his brother but didn't think that would help, it wasn't going well so far. 'Sammy…'

'Sam!'

'What?'

'My name is Sam not Sammy ok?'

'Right fine. Sam. Just tell me why? Why are you doing this to yourself man? What is so bad that you feel the need to slice your arm apart?'

Sam flinched when Dean finished the question, he didn't like hearing the disappointment in his brother's voice. It hurt him.

'It's…it's hard to explain.'

Screwing up his face Sam tried to think of what to say, it was apparent that he didn't want to talk at all but Dean was obviously really worried about him and he didn't want him to worry.

'How long?'

'What?'

'How long have you been doing it? The…the cutting'

'Umm does it matter?'

'Of course it matters Sam!'

'Humph' Sam didn't want to answer it but the look on Dean's face changed his mind.

'Uhh, not long.'

'For god sake Sam just answer the question.'

'I don't want to alright?' he said angrily.

Sam started playing with an imaginary piece of flint on his sleeve, trying to ignore what was going on. It all felt surreal as if it was a dream. Maybe it is a dream, I hope it is…

'Ok Sam either you tell me how long you have been doing it or you can tell me why! It's up to you!'

Sam thought about it, I could just tell Dean how long, it would be much easier than telling him why.

'A couple of months…'

'Just a couple?' he raised his eyebrows.

Sam looked at Dean.

'Remember Sam, if I find out you are lying to me I will kick your ass!'

'What so you're threatening me now?'

'Yes' he said stubbornly.

'Ok ok, I started like 4 months ago.' He looked up to see Dean's reaction but he saw…nothing. His face was blank of emotion, that can't be good can it?

'Why didn't you come to me at the beginning? Instead of doing this?'

'It's hard to explain Dean.'

'Why do you do it?'

'You said-'

'I lied, sue me.'

'No Dean, I'm not doing this…at least not yet, I need time…please' he looked pleadingly at his big brother his voice trembling.

'Hmm…alright. But we are going to talk about it soon! For now I don't want to see another mark on your arms…and I will do a daily check if I need to!'

Sam looked at Dean exasperated 'You're a freaking jerk do you know that!'

'What are brothers for…' he smirked.

'Your not gonna keep checking up on me…'

'You want a bet?' Dean's eyes were wide and firm, it was clear he was in charge.

Sam had enough of the conversation; he glared at Dean before standing up.

'Where are you going?'

'Out!'

'No your not-'

'You want a bet?' Sam smirked as he mimicked his brother from earlier. Dean looked taken aback and he left it too late to react as Sam was already away out the door.

Damn it! Real smooth Dean, real smooth. I had a plan, if only I stuck to the plan! At least he knows I know, that's something. That means he wont chance doing it again, I hope. Sighing, he threw himself back into bed, glancing at his watch it read 10.55am. God, how long were they talking for? Dean slowly closed his eyes; he was really tired after a bad nights sleep before. Sam will be fine, he is in a huff the now but he will be back and Dean would be alert and awake for him. The noises outside drifted away as Dean relaxed and fell into an undisturbed sleep.

Sam was furious, he was walking in great strides not knowing where his legs were taking him but anywhere was better than that motel room! Daily checks, he scoffed, I can't believe him! How will I cut? I need to cut…I doubt he will understand. God he is such a jerk! It is none of his business! Why doesn't he see that! Just because he is my big brother doesn't mean he can tell me what to do anymore, I'm not a kid!

He found himself in a forest clearing not far from the motel and sat down on a rock, big enough for 3 groan men to sit on it. Glimpsing at the sky he watched a bird fly past a puffy white cloud, when suddenly he tried to suppress the sobbing that followed but couldn't. Everything had been messing up for him recently, it was too much for him to handle. Tears flowed down his cheeks with each heart wrenching sob, he curled up on the rock, wrapping his arms round his legs.

Sam cried. For the first time since his dad was missing, the first time since Jessica's death he let it all out, instead of cutting he let the forest hear his cries. And that's the way he sat, he couldn't stop himself, he was crying for everything that he felt was unfair in his life, for all the bad things he had done to his brother and his dad, the way he treated them, his attitude and total lack of respect. Sam felt worthless, he didn't deserve their love, and he wasn't going to impose in their lives anymore.

Dean always had to look out for Sam, always had to be there to save his life or get him out of trouble. He must be sick of it, Sam thought, I would be doing him and dad a favour by going as far away as I can. They wont miss me, they will probably be happy that I am out of their way so they can continue to go after 'The Demon'.

Sucking in a deep breathe, Sam wiped his face using his sleeve and just stared at the moss covered ground. He had walked at least a mile away from the motel so Dean wouldn't find him just yet. He could sit and think for a while, glancing at his watch it read 2.45pm.

Ok so I have been gone about 3 hours, nearly 4 so Dean should come looking for me in about an hour if I know him at all. By then I will be long gone, Sam looked ahead with hardened eyes, he was determined. He didn't want his brother to look at him knowing just how much a freak he actually is. It would be better to get away, even though he didn't have any of his things with him, he would survive, after all he had been brought up well, he knew how to look after himself.

Sam stood up and began to walk out onto the road, he would walk on the side of the road until someone picked him up, anyone, he didn't care. A snarl came from above as the clouds twisted in grey swishes, rain started to beat down on his lean body. Sam hugged himself and clenched his teeth, life was already throwing obstacles in his way just to make things harder for him, he thought bitterly as he strode on wondering what his brother was doing.

Sam lost track of time, the rain had stopped and left the sky looking gloomy and dark but it also left him soaking to the brim, he was too cold to unfold his arms and check the time. By looking around him Sam would estimate that it was about 7 pm as the sun was no where in sight. No car had past by him yet but he listened intently for the sound of an engine when unexpectedly he heard one. A surge of hope and a longing of warmth lit up inside him, the sound was quite a distance away but he could still hear it and it was coming from behind him. Turning around Sam squinted in the dark to see the car come speeding along the road, he put out his hand wishing that the car would stop for him. It wasn't until it had stopped did he realise it was his brother's car. Sam looked on in horror, he couldn't move, he just stared at the car and his brother as he jumped out the drivers seat, banging the door closed.

Dean was pissed off, anger radiated from him, it was enough to make Sam back up until Dean advanced on him.