Sleeping? Awake?

Alive, alive, dead.

Alive, dead, alive.

Dead. No. NO. Not him. Please, anyone but him. I don't want to see. I don't want to know. Push it away. Push it away. Never want to know. Dead face staring, eyes open wide. Fills the brainpan with such nonsense. Not true. Not real. Nothing is real, no one is true. I don't see what I see. I don't hear what I hear.

Promises, on the wind. Like whispers in an ear. Barely heard, but understood. Always there, to be broken. Promises that shatter like a dropped glass. Like a bullet in the brainpan. Boom. No more River. No more Simon, no more Jayne... No more laughter, no more tears. Why can't every story end happy?

The nighttime is for sleeping. So peaceful in repose. Face looks dead. Waxy and still, made up for life. Wrong. Facsimile. Fake. Not brother! Not Simon!

Alive, alive, dead.

How did they get to be the lucky ones? Why am I still standing with them? No. It should be me. It should be me. I'm the one. Get the voices out of my head, a splinter in my brainpan. A splinter.

Shiv of wood. Good as a knife. Carved and sharpened, rubbed on stone to get a point...

Can't sleep the dark will eat me. Can't eat, the dark will sleep me. Both true, yet both false. Core statements are negative. Therefore entire thought is a fallacy. False, truth. What is the difference? When reality is perceived is it not still reality? I reject your reality and insert my fantasy. Too much. Too quick. Can't shut it off. Won't lay down. Can't lay down. Things are out there. Danger.

Terror. Love.

Hatred. Respect.

Mistrust. Lust.

It's all too much. They're all scared of me. Even Simon. I shouldn't have made the code so complex. He would have found me faster. Couldn't risk his being caught... couldn't risk having to kill my ghuh ghuh. Couldn't bear losing him. Not the way I lost my mind. Didn't lose mine, lost theirs. Two by two, just like an ark. Two by two…

So cold... so cold.


Didn't realize how far the temperature had dropped, till the pixie started shiverin' and talkin' in her sleep. Here one minute, gone the next. She was promisin' me just before sundown, that Mal and the rest'd be back for us. She was so positive, so sure of it. Course ain't our fault we got left behind. Alliance came, shots were fired. Our job interrupted. Mal got shot. Can't says I worry 'bout him. Gorram fool standin' out in the open like that. Guess the we just got forgot in the confusion. More'n likely, Mal got shot bad enough that they had to run, and run fast.

This little backwater moon gets awfully gorram cold at night. The Alliance are still lookin' for us, so I couldn't risk a fire. River's not wearin' much beyond her usual floppy sundress thing and a sweater. She's shiverin' so hard her entire body's rockin' with it. I found us a holeup in a little cave, rocky little place, not much for comfort. We seemed to've found a way t'sit so's neither of us is too close t'other. But I been thinkin', and when I get t'thinkin' it usually takes me a while to come up with an answer.

She's makin' me feel like a heel. Shiverin' and lookin' all sad like that. 'Sides, Mal wouldn't like it much if I let her freeze t'death up here. Can't think about it too much, or I won't do nuthin'. So I scoot across the distance, and I unbutton my jacket. She's just watchin' me now, all glassy eyed. But soon as I go t'wrap her up in my jacket, suddenly... she's there.

We been 'voidin' each other pretty seriously since our li'l dance down at Beauridge. I keep tryin' li'l ways of makin' her know that we still need t'talk. Been about… three, mebbe four weeks though. So we gots an understandin', no talkin'. She still thinks I'm… tangled. But I been thinkin'. Lot more since we sorta got stranded here. No matter what I been doin', she gets all weird 'round me. Crazy-like, all again. Like she gets when Simon and Kaylee are havin' a lovers spat, 'r when Mal's britches are in a bunch…

So her bein' all there… kinda unnervin'.

It's a difference in the way she's lookin' at me. Feels like she's lookin' right through me. Like she just as sudden knows all my thoughts, 'n secrets. Unsettlin'. Can't look her in the eyes. Too much is stripped away. I scowl, clench my jaw, and grab her arm. I ain't gentle when I pull her onto my lap. She weighs bought as much as a bundle o' feathers. An' she folds up and fits right there just like she were gorram born to it.

Ai yah tien ya. After acceptin' that she weren't ever gonna get near me with a ten-foot-pole…?

Her knees almost touch her chest, and her arms are tucked under her cheek. She's actually restin' her head on my shoulder like… like we been somethin'. Can't say I ain't enjoyin' this, but I know I'm humped if Mal ever thinks I got less than honorable intentions. Course, I'm humped if I let her freeze t'death too.

"They'll come for us," she whispers, suddenly. And when I glance down, she's watchin' me like everythin' all natural. "Simon will make them come back."

"Glad yer so ruttin' sure," I grumble, readjustin' slightly. She wriggles. Gorram it. I think she's sneakin' a hand around behind my back. Like she's… cuddlin' or sumthin'. What the? She just nabbed sumthin' off my belt. Oh please, don't let the crazy girl have my knife…


Funny.

Everything clears up once he yanks me over into his grasp. The whole world becomes sharp and defined in my vision, my thoughts are clear as bells. His thoughts are background, muddled and confused. But not tangled. The lines are blurry, but not knotted. He is hiding something. Though I am curious, I do not pry too far. Jayne has been forever uncomfortable with that aspect of me. And so, I stow those thoughts away into a locker inside my mind, to be examined at a later period of unfrozen lucidity.

For now, I am content. I shift slightly, to get more comfortable, as Jayne is not soft or pliable in any manner. I cannot help but be aware of his brute strength. If I move wrong, or threaten wrong, I am liable to be broken in twain. And I am afraid of what I would do to him, should he try. Instead, I seek to assuage his fears, and turn his worry into confidence. Because it is only confidence that will help us out of this situation. I am aware that he is holding me. But… I am more aware, and more grateful, that he is warm. I slip a hand around behind his back, finding the communications device he keeps easily enough.

I feel his fear, and his muscle twitch acutely, and so bring my hand around once more slowly. I show him only the device, the small walky-talky with the limited range. "Open it for me?" I push it into one of his giant hands, and mime cracking it open. He's confused. And he begins to inquire to my motives. I cannot explain how I know what I can do… but I simply wish to do it. Survival instinct. Must get off this rock. Have a mission…

But I don't…

When Jayne cracks open the case, I am mildly jealous of how strong his grip is. I watch the tendon's pull in his arm, and suddenly, reach out to stop him before he rips the wires apart. I take the two halves back and balance them upon my knees. Then… I set to work.


She made a ruttin' distress beacon. Outta Serenity's radio bits. Handy! When she leaned out of the safety of my jacket, to place the beacon thing, all I wanted t'do was pull her back. Was cold suddenly. Lonely even; the idea o' holdin' onta her like this been in my head for so long now, under all them layers o' crap excuses. I guess I musta been rough, cause she made this sound… I wanted to apologize but I didn't. Had t' keep us warm. Wrapped arms right 'round her, pulled the jacket round the two o' us, and just held on. Won't ever get this close 'gin.

I ain't gettin' humped out no airlock 'cause o this. It ain't gonna happen. I'm savin' her. But the temperature keeps droppin'. I dunno how cold it's gonna get. River's already asleep… she's got little icicles in her hair from where I breathe on her… I got icicles in m' goatee, and it's ruttin' annoyin' as hell. Can't let m'self fall asleep. But it ain't workin'. I'm asleep with m'head on hers 'fore too longs gone by.

Sometime later, some boots nudgin' mine. Can't move fast… just barely get m'eyes open, squintin' outta froze up bits. I almost wanted t'sing a hallelujah chorus or sumthin', till I see the look on Mal's face. Like he's gonna shoot me. Takes forever, but I let go o' the shao jeh. I'm shiverin' t'beat the band, but… 'course it's River the doc tends to first.

"Care to explain just what in sam hill's goin' on here?" Mal growls at me.

I put my hands up a li'l further. "Jus' keepin' her warm!" Can't help but listen t' the doc and the kook.

"Mei-mei, open your eyes… you're safe now." He's rubbin' her face… and I can see her lips are blue. I'm scowlin' 'fore I even notice it.

"Such pretty colors," River mutters. Mi tian gohn, she's got herself a hand latched on my shirt. I lower my hands a bit to get her fingers off me, but Mal goes and pokes his pistol at the side of my head. My hands never touch the pixie. Simon scoops her up right easy, and I feel like I should be th' one carryin' her. I protected her. Kept her safe. And I get held at gunpoint.

Airlock fer sure this time.

The doc's talkin', bout how he's gotta warm us up slow-like, so we don't get no frostbite. I'm bound 'n determined to walk on my own two gorram feet, even if its gonna take me a bit. Sun's up. But it ain't no warmer outside yet. Here's t'hopin' Serenity'll give me a warmer welcome than the rest'a the crew did.


There comes a point in my sleep where I know I have slept too long. When the dreams become disjointed, and joined with other visions, other images, it is time for me to wake up. And wake up, I do. My eyes flash open to the stark whiteness of the infirmary. It's dark. Nighttime? Or simply dark to allow me to rest? Why am I here, and not in my bunk? When I sit up, I discover a thermal blanket draped over me. And the memories trickle back in..

The cold. The fear. The safety.

The sounds of a snort, and lip-smacking draw my attention to the reclined table in the center of the infirmary. I can't help but smile, almost laugh aloud. Jayne is draped there like some giant plush toy, all arms and legs. His feet and his hands are wrapped up… and I find myself worrying for frostbite. Soundless, I slip down from my ledge, and draw the thermal blanket around my shoulders. Pins and needles prickle at my legs and feet, forcing me to mince my steps.

I check the windows too. Make sure no one has been stationed to watch. Then I fix Jayne's own thermal blanket, brush my fingertips across the wraps on his hands. I step around him, smooth his hair gently. He looks like such a large child, sleeping so sprawled out. On impulse, I lean over, and brush a kiss to his forehead. "Thank you…" I whisper softly, against his skin. Before rising, I am sure to take a breath… sweat and man and gun oil…

Perhaps… what the untangled threads reveal is not so scary after all…