this is so rushed i would like to thank not only god but jesus for lily for editing this and making it presentable


September 1, 3:52 pm

I think about you constantly.

I know I only write one entry a day, if that, but you're still persistently weaving your way into every thought I possess.

My therapist says it's normal that I feel this way. He insists that I'm doing great for someone in my position. He's even surprised by the progress I've made- but I don't really see any.

I'm still terrified to do anything on my own. I'm still setting your place at dinner and keeping the routines that you forced me to. I can still feel the weight of your grasp deep in my bones.

Even still, he's surprised by the progress I've made and I'm working on believing him.

September 2, 7:24 pm

You ask your friends about me. I saw a few of them while shopping today, and they told me that you were trying to get in touch. I don't know why you ask them considering I only ever hung out with them because of you, but still, it's oddly settling for me to know that you still wonder.

September 3, 1:17 pm

I started group therapy today. It's cool, or at least I think it is so far. I haven't really talked much yet. I shared my name, my age, how long has passed since I've last seen you, but, other than that, I laid pretty low for my first day.

There's a girl there named Julia, and her ex boyfriend reminds me a lot about you. He was so angry and impulsive, always screaming at her for some reason. She trembles when she speaks of him, but there's a fondness there that makes my skin crawl.

After the session, there was this little table with fruits and cookies and water that I lingered around for a few minutes. I didn't have anything, but Julia walked up and snatched the biggest chocolate chip cookie there was, and we bonded over that being our favorite type. We both laughed, and she ended up breaking the treat in half with a friendly smile to share it with me.

I don't think I'm going to mind group therapy all that much.

September 4, 11:21 pm

I'm scared that I'm using Lucas.

We had dinner tonight, like we seem to usually have together nowadays, and he even went to the trouble of getting it from my favorite Mexican place out of his way from work to my apartment. I thanked him with a kiss, but when he smiled so wide at me that it seemed like his cheeks were going to burst an odd sense of guilt pooled in my stomach.

There's this sort of hero complex that I'm afraid I'm giving him. I did it with Josh, indulging in the fact I felt loved and safe around him, and I rationalized doing it with Josh because he was leaving. It didn't matter.

Lucas isn't leaving, though, and I don't think it's okay to kiss him when you're still constantly in the back of my mind. I can't interlace our fingers while we're walking around the store just because he's close and he's inviting and he's so fucking sweet to me that I don't even know what to do with myself because I become so flustered. Sharing his bed tangled in each other with his lips on my skin isn't okay just because he's caring and he's gentle and he isn't going anywhere.

He stares into my eyes and he promises me that he's never going to leave and I believe him, so it's not okay to treat him like this. He deserves better. He deserves to be loved by someone that can offer all of their heart, and I still kissed him tonight knowing that I can't do that right now.

Why do I have to be so fucking selfish?

September 5, 6:33 am

There was this little girl that used to ask me about you when I would sketch in the park. She would see the details in your eyes when I drew you, and she'd sit next to me to ask if that's what eyes looked like when you're in love.

I said yes, of course I said yes, and she would tell me all about how her mother was an artist, too. It was purely joyful, and this little ray of sunshine would grin up at me and describe the gorgeous artwork that she watched come to life in the corner of her living room.

At no more than ten, she couldn't help getting lost in the wonders of art. She would even sometimes bring her own pad of paper so that she could draw beside me while we listened to the music of street performers in the distance. She would ask why you never came with me to the park- I looked awfully lonely before she began to join me apparently- and I would tell her that it was because you were much too busy writing wonderful novels that were destined to get published one day soon.

In reality, it was because I didn't want her to meet you. You knew that I would regularly walk down that little path near the campus because sketching outdoors was one of my favorite things to do, but I always insisted that you stay back when I went. Not that you offered many times to accompany me, but still. I loved that beneath the sleeves of my coat, marks from you were hidden and she didn't know the nature of your affection. I loved that I had someone to tell all of your best sides to, even if she was pint sized and naive to the many complications that relationships hold.

I hope that one day she finds a boy that treats her in the ways that I told her you treated me. I hope that he's good to her and he wraps his arm around her while walking with her to the park so that she can sketch outdoors. And I hope that she draws his eyes with a hypnotizing gleam casting over the most gorgeous color she could ever imagine because that's what they look like when you're in love.

September 6, 11:53 pm

I applied for a job. It'll be my first real job as an adult, not counting those in between waitress gigs I picked up here and there between classes or the handful of sketches I've managed to sell since high school, and I'm actually pretty excited for it.

If I'm lucky, you're receiving this entry from the newest staff member of St. Joseph's Psychiatric Health Center. It's the same hospital that Riley volunteers at except I'd actually be getting paid to do daily art classes with the kids in the residential wing. It wouldn't be much, but it'd be some type of income and I'd be helping others. My therapist thinks it's a great idea.

It feels strange making such a big commitment without consulting with you.

September 7, 5:44 pm

I shattered a bottle of your cologne against my bedroom wall today when I thought too hard about what happened between us. I was going to spray it just once to feel like you were home again, but when I did, the only thing that I felt was anger rising within me and so I threw it as hard as I could.

The entire room smells like you now. It's softly and slowly killing me, I know it, but there's a twisted pleasure in this pain that I'm getting from being suffocated within my own walls from the boy who loved me.

Cleaning up the shattered remains of the bottle, I wondered if you were the only one in our relationship with anger problems.

September 8, 9:51 pm

You used to tell me stories when I couldn't sleep. It was back in the beginning during the transition of good and bad, and if I close my eyes and I really, really listen to the silence surrounding me, I can hear them.

I think I'm going crazy when I do because I'm hearing voices. Signs of a complete psycho, right? But it doesn't even matter to me because it's your voice making my heart hum. It's you. It's always you.

September 9, 7:12 pm

I told Lucas how I feel this afternoon.

He disagrees, but he says that he only wants me comfortable with him, and so he is going to try his best not to kiss my pretty face anymore- his words, not mine.

He makes me wish that I still wouldn't crave you so much.

September 10, 12:55 pm

I want to think you've gotten better.

When we ran into each other before, it seemed like you had. You were soft and gentle and loving and so sweet to me before I left you stranded. I've always wanted to save you, and, for a second, I thought by leaving you I had. Now that we've been apart, you realize what you've done. I realize what I've done. We've changed by now, don't you think?

Nobody in group therapy thinks so. I spoke about you because today we were discussing what it's like running into our exes after the break up, and I tried to tell them that I'm sure you've changed and I'm happy for that, but again and again they said that I shouldn't let one encounter fool me. Love blinds us from the truth.

I just want to know how big of an issue it really is if I can't even see it.

September 11, 4:43 pm

I got the job, John. I start in a few days.

You're the first one to know besides Riley, but that's only because she was with me when I got the call. I don't think I've been this happy in years. Isn't that depressing?

I think so, at least.

September 12, 3:11 am

I'm wearing one of your shirts to sleep. I know that I was supposed to get rid of all of your things by now, but I can't bring myself to do it. I just want you to come home. I want you to leave your laundry all over the bathroom and to leave me little to no orange juice in the morning and to hold me while I try to sleep.

Maybe I can at least dream of those things if I lay in my bed in only your shirt and I hope, hope, hope.

September 13, 8:22 pm

I heard our song at dinner with Riley. It made my heart flutter and I smiled so wide it hurt. She told me that she's glad I'm doing better without you so I didn't tell her why I was smiling.

September 14, 10:51 am

Julia and I are going to lunch in a little bit. It's been a while since I made a new friend so I'm a little anxious, but I'm mostly excited. We're going to some Italian place deep in the city that her friend runs that she says is the best food I'll ever eat.

She obviously hasn't had your steak.

September 15, 6:54 am

Work today, work tomorrow, work everyday because I work now as a functioning adult with a job. What a life, am I right?

Lucas is waiting in his truck to take me to breakfast before my big day so I can't write much to you, but I just wanted to tell you that I miss you and I love you. I wish I could celebrate today with you.

September 16, 2:41 am

I'm trying to sleep, but I just feel so alone. I didn't know what to do, so I called Riley and she's going to come sit with me and watch old reruns of Full House until we both pass out.

I love her, far more than I ever loved you, and so I think that I'll be okay despite wanting nothing more than to be with you again.

September 17, 9:21 pm

I told Julia that I miss you today after group, and she told me to try and think of all the ways you've done me wrong. (It's what she does when she misses her ex.)

So, I tried and I tried and I tried to make you the villain, but I couldn't, and I'm trying to find the strength in me to talk about ways you should've been better, but I just can't.

I should've been better to you, and you wouldn't have been like that. I know that now. I knew that before. I'm so sorry.

September 18, 5:52 am

I'm not going to call you.

I won't.

I can't.

For Riley, for Lucas, for my family, for myself, I can't.

September 19, 11:14 pm

I gave in.

I have a good reason, though, I really do- I was starting to forget the sound of your voice. I was thinking about you and the rasp you possessed wasn't sticking correctly, and so I called you purely to hear your voice, but somehow that turned into dinner.

We met at that bakery (our bakery) and we ordered our favorite soup with rolls to share.

Over bowls brimming with broccoli and cheddar, you charmed me again. It was like that first week only better because you were the person that I spent years wishing I could get back. I couldn't help how ecstatic I was. You made jokes and you smiled so big and everything just felt right after so many nights of restless tossing and desperate tears.

Towards the end of dinner, you switched over to my side of the booth and asked one of the servers to take a picture of us. Your arm snaked around my waist and pulled me so close that I couldn't help but laugh, and she snapped it.

And when I got home, the rasp was back.

September 20, 6:53 pm

We had lunch today, and you're getting better. I know that no one believes me when I say that, but you really are.

Riley is so upset with me that she won't even speak to me. Lucas wouldn't even look at me when I told him.

You're better, though. It's going to be better. I don't even think that I need this book anymore because you're better and we're going to be better, John.

September 23, 11:26 pm

It's not getting better.

You got angry with me and you hit me. Lucas wants to beat the shit out of you. Fuck, he probably will. He isn't going to let you near me ever again.

I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing.

September 24, 3:18 pm

Before, I would never say that you abused me. Abuse is such a strong word that I don't like to use it. When I think of it, I picture a shattered girl crying in the mirror with bruises covering her skin. I picture angry men swinging their fists. I picture screaming and crying and terrible monsters that hurt people that love them. I never would picture you.

The thing is, with my tinted cheek and red rimmed eyes, that's who I became. That's what you did to me. You covered me in bruises and you swung your fists and you hurt me, John.

You abused me, and I see that now. I see how you are the villain.

Abusers aren't monsters that lurk in dark alleys to attack innocent souls. They're beautiful boys with soothing voices and short tempers that don't excuse the damage they do.

September 25, 11:43 pm

You used to call me your songbird.

You said that it was because you heard music when I smiled, and that made me the happiest I was in the three years that we were together.

I later found out that it wasn't because of my grin that you donned me with such a name. It was because she was a singer, and having one nickname was easier than two.

You didn't know that I knew about her, but I did. She came to your dorm one night, dead eyes and a fractured smile asking for you. You weren't there- you had just stormed out only ten minutes earlier because you claimed I hoarded your sanctuary with worthless ideas that you would never incorporate into your creative writing paper- so I took the liberty of answering her knock.
I opened your door, frantically swiping my tears as they slid down my cheeks and I was met with a girl nearly as broken as I was.

"Is John here?" she asked, the turning of the corners of her lips almost too forced to want yes as an answer. I told her that you weren't, and I asked who she was. I said that I would make sure tell you that she stopped by, but she insisted it was alright and shared a warm look with me.

I wonder if she saw in me what I saw in her that night; traces of you battered into the freckles across her pale cheeks, venom from your tongue causing her veins to burn in regret and guilt, relief flooding her crystal eyes as I told her that you weren't anywhere to be found.

Anastasia is such a beautiful name. I can't imagine why you ever wanted to call her anything else.

September 26, 4:13 am

I sang, too.

You never asked because you never listened, but I sang, too.

September 27, 8:54 pm

My therapist insisted that I take a few days off of work, and the hospital was really understanding about it. I think it helps that they partner with the office he works in.

I hate feeling so helpless in all of this, but I'm just trying to take the help that I need. I just want to be okay again.

September 28, 3:42 pm

Lucas hasn't left my side since we broke up again. He's greeted me every morning with breakfast and a flower he picked from that little patch of garden outside his building since last week. He takes me to therapy and he watches the Bachelor with me and he even sits while I paint, humming little songs to fill the silence.

What a huckleberry.

September 29, 3:27 am

Do you remember that morning that you brought up moving in together? I thought you were crazy- only 21 and moving in? I knew we were graduating soon and would have to find somewhere, but I always assumed I'd live with Riley.

You made sure I saw different. You painted a beautiful home for us. You told me of our open living room and grand kitchen to host dinners from. You promised a bay window of my own to share when Riles would stop by. You told me that in years, we'd have little writers roaming the halls of our palace, spitting images of you.

Do you remember the look of hope in my eyes when I asked about an art studio?

Do you remember it shattering when you asked why I'd possibly get an entire room dedicated to my clutter? My little doodles needing a dedicated space was ridiculous. Writing was a realistic dream for you, so you'd get an office, but my scribbles would never pay the bills like your novels would.

They'd sit there and rot, you said.

I'd sit there and waste my life, you said.

I smiled to you and said that I was just kidding, and you said that you figured because only a real joke would suggest such a thing.

It kills me that I was a joke to you.

September 30, 1:12 pm

I threw out your things today.

I really did it, and I left nothing behind because I am going to bounce back from this ten times better than I was going in.

It'll be hard, and I'll want to run back to you, but I won't because I'm stronger than what you lead me to believe. I'm stronger than you ever bothered to know.