As The Worm Turns!

Disclaimer: Any characters that you recognize belong to Janet Evanovich. Once I finish playing with them, I'll send them home, even Ranger. Any characters that you don't recognize are figments of my imagination.


Warning: These characters are adults. They think, talk, and act like adults. If you are easily offended or are under the age of 18, please read no further.


A/N: The only Spanish I speak is 'Mi lapis amarillo es sobre la mesa' and it's hard to work 'My yellow pencil is on the table' into a conversation. Translations are courtesy of Babel and Louis Escobido, not .com. I thought I would try something different. The English translation will tell you what I'm HOPING I wrote in Spanish. Please review and let me know how I'm doing.


As The Worm Turns!

Chapter 3: Thar He Blows!

Mierda, mierda, mierda, orines y cojedera. Owwww. Son of a bitch! Esto fue lo mas estupido que yo he hecho. Patie mi propio carro. Ayyyyy, mira ese guarda fangos. Mierda ... Grandioso ... ahora tengo hasta publico.

"Yes, Sir. Good evening."

"Yes, Sir. I remember you, Mr. Karwat."

"Yes, Sir. It's a Porsche."

"Yes, Sir. It was a very stupid thing to do."

"Yes, Sir. A woman."

"Yes, Sir. Stephanie."

"Yes, Sir. I often don't know whether to kiss her or kill her."

"Yes, Sir. Good night to you, too."

Dios todo poderoso, tengo salir de aqui. Cerra la puerta tan duro que hasta me temblaron mis dientes. Ella tiene suerte que nada mas azote la puerta. Quise rasgar la pinche puerta lejos las pinche bisagras y lo tira fuera la pinche ventana. Si habia permanecido alli otro minuto, ya habria envuelto mis manos alrededor del cuello y la estrangulo. En un momento la estoy besando y en otro me esta golpeando. Y en verdad se carga un golpe para tan chica pequena que esta. No tengo idea de lo que la pasa. Puedo ser que esta en su mes? Las mujeres llegan a ser un pequeno loco cuando ellas hormonales. Quiza PMS?

Esa mujer me maneja loco. Yo nunca he estado tan enojado con ella. Yo ya ni recuerdo cuando fue la ultima vez que me enoje asi con alguien, mucho menos con ella. Es decir, yo soy una buena persona. Tengo la reputacion de no ser tempermental y tener control. Todos saben que siempre estoy sereno y tranquilo. Nunca grito o me disgusto. Puedes preguntorle a quien quieras. Yo soy un tipo tranquilo y llevable. Bueno. De vez en cuando yo golpee la mierda alguien en el gimnasio. Pero no muy a menudo. Y no soy enojado. Y es solo trabajar del enfasis. Soy un principe, un novio.

Yo pense que teniamos una relacion funcionable. Que infiernos paso? Ahi estaba, con la bueno de mi corazon, tratando de ayudarle. Trataba de asegurar que ella encontrara la parte, para que nadie adivinara que es como una planta y que nadie la hiciera dano. Ve lo que paso. Me golpea. A mi! Su amigo! Su patron! Yo la trato exactamente igual que a todo mundo. Pero si una de mis hombres habia hecho eso, yo lo habria galpeado fuera. Se aloco? Estare loco yo? Uno de nosotros lo esta.

No puedo creer todo esto. Juro que ella hace esta mierda aproposito. Si, eso es. Lo hace aproposito para conseguir debajo de me piel. Ella me esta castigando! Si eso si concuerda me castiga. Pero por que? Que le hice yo para que ella me torture asi? Juro por que dios que ella ha sido enviada por el mismo demonio para hacer de mi vida un infierno vivo.

Que es lo que tiene que me vuelve loco? Claro que vestida asi ... well shit, volveria loco a cualquier hombre. She's got eso de ser virgen-piruja, y me conduce a enloquecerme. Que yo pudiera hacer para no meterme en eso... Don't go there, Ric. No se besarla o matarla, problemente haria las dos cosas. Eso haria que me sintiera mucho mejor. But God, ella luce inocencia en her eyes y cuando she looks at me ... Y ese little gasp she makes, Dios it just ties me in knots. Her skin is so soft and she tastes so sweet. Oh Dios Mio, she could kill a man.

When did I lose control? Why do I feel like I've fallen into an alternate universe? This is like The Twilight Zone. Nope, no, wrong. This is so screwed up it's like an episode of 'I Love Lucy.' And Stephanie is Lucy, and I'm ... Oh God help me! ... I'm Ricky Ricardo. Steeephaaanie! You got some 'splainin to do ...

Fuck! 105 MPH! That woman is gonna make me kill myself! Shit ... cops. Just what I need, a speeding ticket. Who the hell wished this on me?"

Translation ... I hope!

Shit, shit, shit, piss and fuck! Owwww! That was the stupidest thing I have ever done. I kicked my own car. Arrrggghhhh! Look at that fender! Shit! Oh great! An audience!

"Yes, Sir. Good Evening."

"Yes, Sir. I remember you Mr. Karwat."

"Yes, Sir. It's a Porsche."

"Yes, Sir. It was a very stupid thing to do."

"Yes, Sir. A woman."

"Yes, Sir. Stephanie."

"Yes, Sir. I often don't know whether to kiss her or kill her."

"Yes, Sir. Good night to you, too."

God Almighty, I had to get out of there. I slammed that door so hard, I rattled my own teeth. She's lucky that I only slammed it. I wanted to rip the fucking door right off the fucking hinges and throw it out the fucking window. If I had stayed there another minute I'd have wrapped my hands around her neck and throttled her. One minute I'm kissing her and the next she's slugging me. She sure packs a wallop for such a little thing. I have no idea what came over her. Maybe it's her time of the month? Women get a little whacked out when they're hormonal. PMS, maybe?

That woman just freaked me out. I have never lost it like that with her. I can't remember the last time I was this angry with anybody, much less her. I mean, I'm a nice guy. I have a reputation for being even tempered and in control. Everybody knows that I never lose my cool. I never yell or get upset. You can ask anybody, I'm a laid back, easy going kind of guy. Okay. So sometimes I beat the shit outta somebody in the gym. But not very often. And I'm not angry. It's only to work off the stress. I'm a prince, a sweetheart!

I thought we had a great working relationship going for us. What the hell happened? There I was, out of the goodness of my heart, trying to help her. I was trying to make sure that she looked the part so nobody would guess she was a plant and try to hurt her. And look what happened! She hit me! Me! Her friend! Her Boss! I treat her the same as everybody else. But if it had been one of my men, I'd have knocked them out. Is she nuts? Am I nuts? One of us is nuts!

I can't believe this whole thing. I swear she pulls this shit on purpose. Yeah, that's it. She does this on purpose to get under my skin. She's punishing me. Yeah, that makes sense, she's punishing me. But for what? What have I ever done to her that would make her torture me like this? I swear to God, she's been sent by the devil himself to make my life a living hell.

What is it about her that drives me nuts? Sure, dressed like that ... well, shit, she'd drive any man crazy. She's got this whole virgin-whore thing going. It just drives me wild and it was all I could do to keep from ... don't go there, Ric. I wanted to grab her and throw her down on the floor and ... and I don't know what! I don't know whether to kiss her or kill her. I should probably do both. It'd make me feel a hell of a lot better. But God, she's got this innocence in her eyes, and when she looks at me ... And that little gasp she makes. It just ties me in knots. Her skin is so soft and she tastes so sweet ... Oh my God, she could kill a man.

When did I lose control? Why do I feel like I've fallen into a alternate universe? This is like the Twilight Zone. Nope, no, wrong. This is so screwed up it's like an episode of 'I Love Lucy." And Stephanie is Lucy and I'm ... Oh God help me! ... I'm Ricky Ricardo. Steeephaaanie! You got some 'splainin to do ...

Fuck! 105 MPH! That woman is gonna make me kill myself! Shit ... cops! Just what I need, a speeding ticket. Who the hell wished this on me?

"Hey Carl, Big Dog."

"Yeah, I know. I was going way too fast."

"Yup. It is a nice dent, isn't it."

"Kicked it."

"Yeah, Stephanie."

"You're right. I don't know whether to kiss her or kill her."

"Thanks guys, good night."

Police POV:

Carl: "Poor dumb fuck!"

Big Dog: "Yeah. In love with Stephanie Plum."

Carl: "Did you hear him yelling something about 'I Love Lucy'?"

Big Dog: "Ha! Lucy and Ricky sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!"

Carl: "They're made for each other."

Big Dog: "Too bad they're the only ones who don't know it."

Carl: "Yeah. Maybe we should give 'em some help?"

Big Dog: "Yeah. Maybe we should call Tank?"

Carl: "They'll never know what hit 'em."

Big Dog: "Yeah. Poor dumb fucks!"

Both: Laughter.

TBC ...

Please review and let me know if you think I should continue and where you'd like me to take this story.