Heartbeat
By: Sarah Carey-Huff
Chapter 3 – A Barba-Esqu Soliloquy
Disclaimer: this story is my own, but all characters belong to Dick Wolf, Warren Leight & Family.
Grabbing his chest Rafael willed his heart beat to slow. Fin was gone, the young girl now with the EMT's, and there was a large part of him that was convinced he had imagined the entire thing. If it wasn't for the new helicopters circling in the distance, or the chaotic sea of uniforms rushing about he would've believed it.
His mind was already on auto pilot since seeing the headline that morning and with the news that Olivia was here too, it was too much for him to process. It was as if he'd gone from autopilot to conscious understanding to flat out denial. He hadn't seen Liv since he left her on those steps all those months ago. Or was it years now?
The hours drug on but the weeks flew by, and before he knew it months had passed. The seasons changed bringing a bitter chill into the already pungent New York air. The ice thawed, giving way to a blossom, a sweltering heat, and then again a frost. The days no longer had names, the months sparsely a meaning. But there was something about the bitter chill that had brought him back to that day.
It was ironic, how the frost alone could conjure nostalgic memories spent in the company of the woman he once called his best friend. The coffee they'd sip would breathe condensation upon their upper lips as they attempted to the cool the liquid. The tail ends of their matching trench coats muddied while they toppled through the snow and sludge stained streets of Manhattan.
Things were far simpler these days and that was something he should be thankful for. The color began to dissolve more quickly than it had come and he discovered leaving her was like a butterfly effect. Back pedaling he tried to return to who he was before, a shell of the man she'd help him become. But no matter how hard he tried the contrast and brilliance from his world remained, if only on the rims of his peripheral.
It was then, when he consciously tried to dull the technicolor her presence engendered, to alter the metamorphosis that her existence had caused, that he realized the true depth of his feelings for her.
It wasn't just friendship, or admiration. The words he spoke to her on those frost stained steps that day were from his heart. They were planned and drawn up as concisely as a closing statement designed to illicit feelings of gratitude and honesty, but never love.
However, somewhere around the blues and reds he began to deviate; an admission of the acutest kind mumbling upon his lips. If it wasn't for the utter heartbreaking hope he saw reflected in her brown eyes, he may never have found the resolve to swallow his words.
He very well may have allowed himself the confession of his truest feelings. Because for the briefest of moments, when he looked into those brown eyes he saw, for the first real time in six years, her walls come down. They crumbled brick by brick as if each of his words were crafted with a sledge hammer and all the love, the love he had desired to see so many times in those eyes, was reflected back at him.
That unabashed loving gaze he thought she'd one day cast at him, while Noah played in the foreground of his day dream. There it was, but he knew he could reach out and seize it, he couldn't touch it.
Because what would that have done?
It would have been selfish, to declare his love for her then. He'd had years to come to terms with his feelings, to act on them, to confess them, but he hadn't. And she hadn't given him any indication that she wanted him to.
Yet as he reverberated his gratitude for her, in a soliloquy type fashion so barba-esque, his heart crumbled in his chest. Because for the first time since he decided to leave he realized, he was no longer just leaving Olivia Benson his best friend, he was now walking away from Olivia Benson, the love of his life and his soul mate.
And as if her subconscious admission wasn't already testing his resolve, he then heard that word. The singular simple word spoken to him and baiting him, to admit the secret they both knew was on the tip of his tongue.
'And', She had whispered, waiting for his confession, all the while daring him to step over the line they had never dared to cross.
But he couldn't. Not then. He couldn't take advantage of the moment. The dramatic flair of the circumstances was too much. The potential of his impending departure to prison or in his career, made her vulnerable. Gosh It was so like her to fall in love with him just as he began to fall apart.
Perhaps it was in her nature to need to fix, but he knew he couldn't do that to her. If they were ever meant to be together, he would come to her as her equal, and then, and only then, would he offer her his hand.
A pain struck through his chest, as he felt the sharp intake of cold air burn his lungs. The air penetrating his body with rapid force second only to the rapid realizations his mind ingulfed. For it seemed to occur to him for the first time, that he may never have that chance again. That day on the steps, him walking away from her could be the last time he ever saw her.
He stood unsteadily and swallowed the spasm in his throat, trying to hold back tears.
Could this day get any worse? First, he might lose his Mami, and now, he could lose Olivia too. And- it was all his fault. It was his idea to tell his Madre to phone Olivia if she was ever in trouble. Had he not done that, had he not have given her Olivia's card she would've called Bronx PD or Bronx SVU, and at least Olivia would still be safe. But he also knew his Mami now actually stood a chance with Olivia inside. She would get her out or she would …
He couldn't think like that. But it was hard not to.
It's not that Liv hadn't put herself in compromising situations before. Surely, she did it almost every day of her life. But it was the fact that she had gone in blind.
There were no real connections inside, no one knew she was even there. According to Fin there really wasn't anyone that they could trust but each other within a fifty-mile radius.
That morning, when he woke, he treated the day like any other. After making a strong cup of coffee he showered and was in work before the sun rose. It was an actual goal of his to spend all waking hours in his office, doing his best to avoid reality. Or rather, the crippling excuse of reality he'd been enduring. He was usually working on paper work or trying cases.
Thankfully his due diligence to work and disparaging lack of a social life wasn't all in vain. He had succeeded in work the past year, being quickly promoted after transferring home to the Bronx. The promotion was solidified after sealing a high-profile case early on in his return; since then he'd been coasting. He knew after that horrific case a year ago needed to move on from Manhattan, and something about heading back home to his roots had grounded him.
When his head wasn't buried in his office, he would spend time with his Mami, or go to church. Slowly but surely, he began to find a normalcy again. The work was clearer away from Liv which helped. It once again became easier to see the cases as file numbers because it felt less personal. But even though the losses didn't cause him to lose sleep, if he was honest the wins were far less rewarding now.
Although the new title gave him more leniency to pick and choose the cases he tried they felt less personal. Further the position gave him power over other ADA's, and DA's, forcing him to learn how to delegate. He was surprised to see that after a few months he really did start to do so. As soon as the work started to slow, he'd found himself taking on projects in the community. He began coaching little league, and volunteering in youth leagues to give back.
Honestly, he was willing to try anything, and everything to keep his thoughts from wandering to Liv. And yet, against all odds, and against any reason she was the one infiltrating his mother's charater school on what he'd certainly remember as the worst day of his life.
Finally deciding that wallowing wasn't going to help anyone he decided to walk around and see if there was anything he could do to help. He was certain no one would be looking for any sort of legal advice now, but he knew the school well. Initially he had told an ESU agent everything he could think of, but he figured it wouldn't hurt to go over it and make sure he hadn't missed anything.
Note: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed or even just read so far. I really appreciate it. Please feel free to continue leaving your feedback, it's always so encouraging. Hope you enjoyed being in "Rafa's" headspace.
