No Silicon Chip Could Sublimate or Tame this Temptuous Rage:
I woke up curled in the fetal position on the King sized bed in my room. I stayed there for a moment as I sobbed quietly as I recalled that my dream wasn't even close to being a reality. Yes, it was true that Dean knew that Toby was his son and had been instrumental in rescuing him when Toby had been kidnapped by a vampire and his demon girlfriend. Toby however was still unaware of the true identity of his biological parents. Since Dean was now in Heaven, if Toby did know the truth, then maybe I would have one person I loved still talking to me.
I wiped my face on the bottom of the grey men's t-shirt that I had conveniently forgotten to put back into Dean's duffle bag during his last visit. After taking a deep breath, I pushed the comforter off my legs. Whether I liked it or not, I had to get up and face whatever lay ahead of me today.
After changing into my new "uniform" of black yoga pants and black hooded sweatshirt I started down the hallway to go downstairs. As I passed Toby's room, I noticed that the door was open and his room was empty. I poked my head in to check on the state of the room and was pleasantly surprised to see that it appeared that he had put his clothes into the dresser and had also made his bed.
When I got downstairs, I could hear the TV was on in the den, but the sound was too low for me to hear what Toby was watching. The whole main floor was filled with the welcoming aroma of fresh brewed coffee, so I made the kitchen my first stop of the day. I poured myself a mug of coffee (with just a touch of cream) and checked to see what Toby was doing in the den.
"When did you start drinking coffee Tobs? It's really good," I asked lightheartedly hoping that his foul mood had improved with a good night's sleep.
"I didn't," he answered sharply without taking his eyes off the computer screen where he was seated. "The Kwimpers came by and Mr. Kwimper made the coffee."
"Oh… okay. Are you hungry? I can make breakfast if you wanted. I think I have everything to make waffles," I asked optimistically.
"Not hungry… Mrs. Kwimper brought a casserole so I've already eaten LUNCH," he answered with a tone of indignation.
Lunch? I thought to myself as I looked at the large flat screen TV. The weather channel was showing the animated path of a storm front that was moving from Minnesota into Ontario and the clock in the bottom right hand corner announced that it was just slightly after 1:30pm.
"Oh, I didn't realize I had slept so late," I replied softly. When his eyes remained fixed on the computer's monitor, I took it as an indication that he really didn't care that I had over slept nor did he care about any of my plans for the day.
"Have you talked to Dean lately?" He questioned abrasively.
I swallowed hard before answering quietly, "No, but I talked to Bobby and they're… umm they're on a case and will be out of cell range for a while."
"Oh," Toby retorted sounding less than impressed.
I stood in the den awkwardly for a moment. When it appeared that there was little chance for any further conversation, I then pulled a random novel off a shelf and said, "Well… I'll just be in the living room reading, okay? So… umm if you need anything, I'm just…"
"In the living room. Yeah I heard you the first time," Toby interrupted without attempting to hide his irritation.
I backed out of the den, coffee and book in hand and retreated to the kitchen. I wasn't feeling very hungry, but I still grabbed one of the homemade buns that Holly Kwimper had brought over during their visit. While standing at the island I took a sip from my coffee mug and looked out into the back yard. Storm clouds had rolled in overnight and rain was starting to fall.
Well at least the weather matches my mood today, I thought to myself as I retired to the living room to read.
Once I was settled on the couch under an oversized fleece blanket, I flipped tot the title page of the hard cover novel. When I read the bold letters saying "SAHARA", I felt a hitch develop in my throat. Toby was going to read "SAHARA" this summer and then we were going to watch the movie of the same name together for the first time. I had been a fan of Clive Cussler since high school and Toby had wanted to find out for himself why I appreciated his writing so much. Now I had a sinking feeling that his sentiments may have changed drastically.
I wiped away yet another tear of hurt and regret before diving into the first chapter of the book, making it the fifth or sixth time I was reading this particular story. As I turned over page after page, none of the words seemed to really be registering in my brain. If I hadn't read this story line so many times, I probably would have been completely lost trying to figure out where Dirk and Al were during this desert adventure.
In my current frame of mind, it didn't take much to distract my concentration from the tiny black font on the page. I could hear that Toby had gone into the kitchen and the sound of him opening the fridge made me shift my attention so that I was trying to listen to what he was doing.
I heard a CLINK, which I assumed was Toby putting a glass on the hard counter top of the island and then I heard him exclaim, "NO WAY! They're here! YES! Sam and Dean are here! AWESOME!"
It took more than a couple of seconds for his words to sink in and I was momentarily too stunned to respond. By the time my brain had caught up with the situation, I had slowly made my way into the kitchen. I stood by the breakfast nook and watched Toby greet each Winchester by the Impala during a pleasant break in the clouds.
I watched the three of them through the window as if they were playing out a scene from a new series on television and remained completely transfixed. Sam caught a glimpse of me at the window and waved cheerfully before meeting Toby at the trunk to retrieve their bags. Sam heaved a duffle bag over his shoulder and Toby lifted out a second one. As Toby passed Dean, the older man tried to take the bag from the younger boy, but was waved off as Toby led the way into the house.
"…oh and I have something I have GOT to show you Sam!" Toby was nearly shouting over his shoulder with excitement as he entered the kitchen.
"Sure Toby sounds good… and yeah, I'll tell you all about it later, no problem," Sam replied looking somewhat overwhelmed by Toby's end of the conversation. "Hey Addy," he directed at me with a small tentative smile.
I stared at him for a moment, completely immobile.
"Hey Sam," I replied sounding much more nonchalant than I felt at this exact moment in time.
After simply smiling at each other for some time, we each took a couple of steps towards each other and I was quickly wrapped in Sam's arms.
"Oh THANK GOD! You're back!" I cried out as I squeezed him tightly. "It's so good to see you."
He looked down at me and wiped the lone tear that fell down my cheek.
"It's good to see you too," he responded softly.
"But I don't know how much God had much to do with it," Dean's voice countered with slight disdain from the back door.
I sidestepped around Sam to look at his brother in the flesh for myself.
"Well thank… well I don't care who. You two are back and that's all the matters," I retorted as tears of relief overtook me.
"Lay…" Dean responded as he pulled me into his arms. "Shh… it's okay. We're here. Please don't cry."
"I'll take your bag to your room for you Dean," Toby announced without trying to hide his distaste for the reunion that he was witnessing in between me and the older Winchester.
"I'll go with you Toby," Sam offered as he gently guided the younger male out of the kitchen into the living room.
I sniffled back my tears and looked up at Dean before saying, "I was so scared. If you ever die on me like that again Winchester, I swear… I'll… I'll hunt you down myself… in heaven or hell and… and…"
He laughed then pulled my lips to his in order to silence my idle threats.
"I'm so sorry Lay… I'll try to keep from being killed again," he apologized lightheartedly.
"Good because I don't know if I could handle it again," I replied with a half smile. "Oh shit! Does Bobby know you're back? Oh… and Castiel? Because they were…"
"Yes, yes they know" he interrupted while pushing my hair out of my face and caressing my cheek. "We called Bobby and Cas was at the hotel when we got back. We were going to head over to Bobby's, but then I hear your voicemail, so I wanted to make this our first stop."
"Oh… that…" I replied biting my bottom lip and looking down at my feet sheepishly.
Dean lifted my chin gently forcing me into making eye contact with him.
"There was something about Toby?" He asked quietly.
I chewed my bottom lip and nodded as more tears started to fall.
"…but she's stable now the doctors say. Hey! Maybe you could take me to the hospital later to visit her. What do you think, Sam?" Toby was asking as he reentered the room.
I didn't want Toby to see me crying, so I quickly turned my face and body away from the doorway and Dean pressed me closer to him in a loving hug.
"Everything okay?" Sam silently mouthed to his brother.
Dean shook his head and rubbed my back in an effort to provide me some comfort.
Sam offered a sad smile as consolation then turned to Toby saying, "Hey Toby, you said you had something to show me? Why don't you do that now?"
"Really? Okay… yeah, follow me this way Sam!" Toby exclaimed as he pulled Sam's arm in the direction of the den.
"Lay… are you going to be alright?" Dean questioned delicately into my ear while my face was still pressed against his shoulder.
"Yeah… I'll be okay…" I replied weakly as I extracted myself from his arms. After I wiped my face on the sleeves of my sweatshirt, I continued still quite faintly, "Why don't we go in the living room and talk?"
Dean nodded as his response as he followed me, hand in hand, to the couch in the adjoining room. I sat down cross legged on one end of the couch with my back against its arm and Dean sat down beside me. Once I was settled, he held my hands as I wrung them nervously in my lap. I could tell that he really wanted to start asking me questions about everything that was bothering me, but he was respectful enough to allow me to take my time in explaining it to him.
I was staring down at our hands intensely when I started timidly, "Toby knows… he knows that Bill and Maureen aren't his parents… and now he's not talking to Bill and me. But… he is still talking to Maureen and I can only assume that it's because of her current condition…"
"He knows? How… how did he find out?" Dean asked while sounding both confused and concerned.
I still avoided eye contact and started to examine Dean's fingers intently while I responded, "The worst possible way. Some stranger, a doctor, inadvertently blurted it out to him while looking over Maureen's medical history. He didn't know about Toby being Bill and Maureen's son and the doctor told him that Mo had never… had never given birth to a child." I finished by pinching the bridge of my nose as I felt a tension headache coming on.
"Oh man… that's horrible. I'm sorry he found out that way," Dean replied while wrapping an arm around my shoulders to pull me closer to him.
"Yeah… me too… But it's funny, you know, because in my mind he's always been their son, so I never actually gave any thought to the day that he might find out the truth and now…"
I straightened my legs across Dean's lap and cuddled into his side. Dean stroked my hair as he placed my head on his right shoulder.
"Is there anything I can do?" Dean asked quietly against my forehead before placing a soft kiss on my head.
"No, not really," I answered while shaking my head slowly against his shoulder. "He's probably still processing, so I'm thinking he just needs us to give him time, you know?" I paused to compose myself and played with a button on Dean's shirt, still missing his pendant that I had always thumbed as a distraction during our heart to hearts. "Although… he doesn't seem to be freezing you or Sam out, so… if he comes to you…" My voice broke again and my words got caught in a tearful lump in my throat.
"I'll be there to listen, I promise Lay," Dean replied while squeezing me tighter into his side.
"Thanks Dean," I choked out while hugging him back. I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent, letting the fact that he was in fact alive sink in. After doing so, I shook slightly as I laughed to myself.
"You okay there Lay?" Dean questioned sounding slightly apprehensive and mystified.
I laughed softly then sat up straighter so that I could look him in the eye.
"I was going to ask you how heaven was and then it hit me how absurd it was that I COULD ask you that. I mean, really… how many people get the chance to ask someone who has actually been to heaven what it's like? Sorry… I know… I'm nuts."
Dean smirked slightly and then the expression on his face shifted to one of deep sadness.
"Dean? What's wrong?" I asked worriedly with every muscle stiffening under my skin.
He held my face and ran his right thumb over my lips as he shook his head. I could feel my eyebrows turn downwards as my face started to contort to show my utter confusion.
"It's nothing Lay. It… it just turns out that heaven really is whatever you want it to be and… well it's probably better if you don't get a glimpse of someone else's version of paradise," he explained while smiling trying to dismiss my concerns. "Really… I'll be okay… especially now that I've seen you again."
He leaned down and placed a beautifully tender kiss on my lips. I relented completely and gave into his embraces as I leaned back on the couch and pulled him down on top of me. Neither Dean nor I attempted to take this any further than the loving contact of our lips, which suited me just fine.
GUUUURRRRR!
I laughed into Dean's mouth then he leaned back and looked down at me undeniably smirking. He then laid down and placed his head beside mine as we both burst into a fit of laughter.
I playfully pinched his stomach and asked through my giggling," Umm… so Dean… are you hungry?"
"Sorry Lay… we came straight here after I heard your voicemail. I guess I forgot to eat," Dean rationalized while looking down at me with a loving smile and petting my cheek.
I raised myself up off the couch to place a soft peck on his lips and grinned.
"Well why don't I get dinner started then? I can't have a starving Dean Winchester on my hands, now can I?"
Dean leaned down to place another soft kiss on my lips and then he eased himself off of the couch. Then before I could roll off the cushions, Dean extended a hand to help me up.
Once I was on my feet, I pulled him into another tight hug.
"Lay?" Dean started to question.
"Sorry. I was still just afraid that you're not here… not really. I all of the sudden had a feeling that I was going to wake up and that this was going to just be an amazingly beautiful dream," I clarified as I looked up at Dean with a warm, sad smile.
"I'm here Lay… I'm really here," he reassured me before giving me another soft kiss. "Now… where's my dinner woman?" He joked trying to sound like a dad from a 50s sitcom.
I chuckled and punched his right arm lightly. "Okay, I'll go start it. But… I should go and check in on Toby…"
I started towards the den and Dean suddenly grabbed my hand.
"Dean! What…"
"Whoa! I didn't mean to startle you… I just thought I would join you while you check on Toby. But only if that's okay with you," Dean clarified humbly.
"Oh… thanks. I would like some back up," I replied somewhat shamefully.
We then continued into the den with our hands seemingly welded together. We found Sam and Toby in front of the computer looking over some document on the screen attentively. Toby was the first to hear us enter the room and immediately minimized the screen while looking at the two of us which caused Sam to utter in a confused tone, "Hey! Toby I wasn't done reading that."
"It's okay Sam, it can wait," the younger male answered shortly while jutting his chin in the direction of the doorway where Dean and I stood kind of awkwardly.
Sam looked up and flashed his signature warm, loving smile saying, "Oh… hey guys! Toby was just…"
"SAM! It can wait!" Toby admonished the older man angrily.
"Oh… okay. Sorry Toby," Sam apologized while giving Dean and me an 'I don't know what just happened there' look with a shrug.
Sam may not have understood Toby's reaction, but I knew that I was the reason why the information Sam and Toby were reading was not allowed to be shared right now. I bit my lip and swallowed hard trying to keep my composure from breaking. Toby had already refocused his attention back to something else on the computer screen, so he missed the non-verbal exchange between the three of us.
"I just wanted to let you guys know that I was going to start dinner. Umm… I think that there's a lasagna in the freezer that the Nolan's brought by earlier" I trailed off because I could feel my voice about to break the longer I watched Toby ignore me.
"That sounds good to me Lay," Dean replied contentedly while giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. He then shot Sam a "Help me out here Bro" nod in the direction of the brooding pre-teen.
"Oh… yeah… that does sound good Addy," Sam continued in a confused tone towards Dean and me. He then awkwardly turned his attention to Toby and asked, "How 'bout you Toby? Sound good?"
"Mrs. Nolan does make good lasagna," Toby replied pleasantly to Sam's question, nodding while still focused on the computer screen.
"Do you need any help Addy?" Sam asked as he started to get up out of his chair.
"No, that's alright, but thanks Sam. I've got the prep under control… you boys just relax and I'll call you when dinner's ready." I then turned to Dean, kissed his cheek and quietly ordered, "Go… I've got dinner covered."
"Okay… if you're sure…" Dean answered uncertainly.
"I'm more than certain. Promise… It's…"
"Dean! You should check this out too!" Toby called out again without looking up.
I shook my head forlornly and turn to go into the kitchen as Dean replied (while still watching me walk away) "Oh yeah? What's that Buddy?"
I couldn't make out anything that they were discussing and researching while I prepared our meal. I tried to keep Toby's secretive behavior out of my thoughts by reasoning with myself that Sam and Dean would fill me in on the details later tonight.
I was putting the finishing touches on a salad when the timer sounded on the oven announcing that the lasagna was near completion. As I turned to pull the hot pasta dish out, I heard someone pulling plates out of the cupboard. We both reached the island at the same time and I gasped quietly at my surprise of seeing who was helping me.
"Thanks Tobs," I managed to say just over a whisper.
Toby continued to ignore me and moved to the fridge. While it was open, he called out, "Sam! Dean! Do you guys want a cold beer? I think dinner's ready!"
The Winchester Brothers entered the kitchen at near warp speed at the announcement of potential food. I had already cut the lasagna in its dish along with some garlic bread, so I was opening a bottle of red wine while they both removed the caps off the bottles Toby had handed each of them.
"Everything smells so great. Thank you so much Addy," Sam said as he dished his meal.
I was taking a drink from my wine glass when Toby retorted quietly, "It's Bernice Nolan you SHOULD be thanking Sam."
I put my wine glass down on the island and stared, dumbfounded, at the back of Toby's young head as he took his dinner into the den to eat.
"Wow! What the hell happened while we were away?" Sam asked in a hushed tone, not even attempting to hide his astonishment once he was sure that Toby was out of earshot.
"The inevitable," I replied bitterly while refilling my wine glass.
"Lay…" Dean protested gently. "Sam, why don't we go and eat in the dining room? Lay and I can explain everything there."
Sam nodded while looking at me sympathetically, but I didn't notice because I was staring out of the back window into the yard outside. At this point in time, I somehow found comfort in the weather changing once again to be as miserable as I felt at this time.
Dean stilling my hand as I drank took me out of my blank stare. I turned to face him, but I didn't really focus in on his face at first.
"Here… you should eat something, Lay," Dean commented sounding very concerned while passing me a plate with a piece of lasagna and a mound of salad on it.
"Hmmm… oh… yeah… thanks," I answered as I took the plate. "I'll meet you guys in there," I finished while I picked up the deep green bottle that contain the coveted Cabernet Merlot.
"Lay…" Dean started with a mild authoritative tone.
"Dean, I was just getting a refill… Let's not keep Sam waiting," I defended as I picked up my refilled glass in my free hand and headed towards the dining room.
Dean and I settled in around the table with Sam and they both ate in silence. I sat and picked at my salad absentmindedly, but despite Dean's gentle direction, I still didn't feel like eating anything.
"What's going on?" Sam mouthed to Dean between his bites.
"When she's ready," Dean silently answered back while finishing with a 'Don't Start' look.
Sam huffed silently, furrowed his brown and shook his head. Dean was still staring at him through his bites of food while silently warning him to keep quiet until I was ready to talk.
I was just playing with my food, lost in my thoughts when I look up and caught their non verbal exchange. Even after I started watching the Winchesters, they continued their silent back and forth and I started to chuckle uncontrollably. They then turned their attention to me and I laughed even louder.
"Sorry… sorry… Dean, I'm good. If you want to fill Sam on… well you know, please, go ahead," I directed before enjoying more wine.
"You're sure, Lay?" He confirmed. I nodded while I ate a small bite of the pasta dish.
"Well… Sam… long and short? Toby is pissed because he found out that Bill and Mo aren't his real parents. Lay and Bill are taking the brunt of his wrath and he's not talking to them," Dean explained bluntly.
While Dean was talking, Sam had stopped his fork mid-bite and dropped it to his plate.
"Oh? Is that all?" He asked through an uncomfortable chuckle.
I smiled at their genuine concern and replied, "He's still processing, so I can deal… no worries, okay? Toby's still being civil with you guys, so let's just let it be for now. When he's ready to talk, I will be too. But he's really upset right now and I don't want to push, okay?"
"Sure Addy, but…" Sam started to reply.
"It's fine Sam, really. I mean, come on… who am I to judge someone that needs time alone to get a handle on things?"
Dean choked slightly on his beer as he laughed at my comment.
"See!" I affirmed with a smirk. "So what did he have to show you guys?"
Dean nodded at Sam to start while he continued devouring his meal.
"Well… at first it was just a creative writing assignment he finished for class…" Sam started slowly. "He wanted me to proof read it and for me to give my thoughts on the description of the story."
"It's pretty good Lay," Dean added with his mouth filled with food.
"Is it the one about his kidnapping?" I asked with mild hope.
"Yeah… it's pretty much everything exactly how it happened… except for one major omission," Sam answered uneasily.
"He took me out," I stated shaking my head sadly. I set my fork down and exchanged it for my wine glass once again.
"Yeah… but it is well written and he should get a good grade on it," Dean offered.
"Is that all he had to show you?" I asked staring at the dark blood red liquid as I swirled it in my glass.
"Umm… no… he's also been tracking storms and he's uhh… been comparing the paths of the storms with possible locations of demon activity," Sam explained tentatively.
I smiled as I took another drink then replied, "He always has been a really smart kid… quick learner…"
"OH HEY! There you guys are! Did either of you two GUYS want more? There isn't too much left, so I was just going to put it way if you two didn't want more," Toby asked looking only at the Winchester brothers.
"No, thanks Buddy. Sam and I are good. I think Lay has had her fill too," Dean answered cordially.
"Ok, well since you two are full, I'll take your plates and start cleaning up then," Toby replied happily while picking up both of their empty plates.
He then turned and started out of the room without ever once casting a glance in my direction. Through the exchange between Toby and Dean, I just continued to stare at the dwindling liquid in my glass.
"TOBY!" Dean nearly shouted causing the pre-teen to stop in his tracks as he jumped slightly, unable to hide that Dean's tone had startled him.
Toby then turned slowly and smiled warmly while asking, "Yeah Dean? Was there something else?"
"I'm pretty sure that Lay is done too. Why don't you take her plate as well?" Dean replied trying to suppress his mounting irritation at Toby's rudeness. To me his tone sounded a lot like one his own father had used on many occasions during Dean's youth.
"Sure, no problem Dean."
Toby finally looked at me and picked up my plate. I was placing my now empty wine glass on the table. "Are you done with your glass too?" He asked with pure contempt.
"Yes… thank you," I replied just barely over a whisper.
He then quickly snatched it up then left the room.
A tear dribbled down from my eye onto the table cloth. I pushed my seat back and looked up at the two worried faces before me.
"Well, Dean was right. I have had my fill, so I think I'm going to retire for the night. Could you guys please remind Toby that he has school tomorrow, so he shouldn't stay up too late? That rough draft he was working on for English class is due. Oh… and he has to remember his math homework too…"
"Yeah, sure Addy, no problem. I'll make sure that he's got everything together," Sam assured me.
"Thanks Sam. I'm sorry… I wish I could visit longer, but I just don't have the strength tonight," I said as my voice started to break. "Welcome back… have a good sleep."
I started out of the room slowly, trying to keep from stumbling as I felt the alcohol going straight to my head. Suddenly I felt a protective, steadying arm wrap around my waist to help me to my room.
"Why don't I give you a hand?" Dean offered quietly into my ear.
I nodded my acceptance with a sad smile as we continued to the stairs.
