This will be an opportunity to explore Arthur's love of Drama. I had so much fun writing this. (evil laugh here) Please review! I'll love you forever!

Diary of the Knight(s)

Arthur

Lancelot asked me while I was fixing pancakes this morning if I would do him a favor. As I was preoccupied with the batter's thickness, I agreed before actually thinking about it. This was obviously a mistake. One should never agree to anything Lancelot says without a fight. Too often, things are never the same after, and rarely in a good way. So, here I sit, trying to pretend that I am millions of miles away and completely unaware of what Lancelot and his minions are planning. A promise is a promise, after all.

Lancelot asked me to provide commentary throughout what promises to be a rather creative attack on the Bishop's assistant. Horton, I think his name is. You know, like "Horton hatches the egg" by Dr. Seuss, which hasn't actually been written yet. Go figure.

The bastards stole all of my spatulas. They will pay with their lives. I had to special order those from Rome! No one here knows how to make a decent spatula, and they had to steal all of mine! Come on, people! Show some respect!

I'll never get them back in any sort of working condition. Grr…

HUMPH

Ah, Dagonet has decided not to participate. Good man.

(Says nothing)

(Shakes head) Anyway, I think Horton is about to get quite a surprise. Poor bugger.

Ah, well, the games have begun. Horton appears to be unaware of the horrors in store for him as he slumbers gently, a leaf stuck innocently in his beardish thing. Alas, his pleasant dreams of many virgins and sighs are about to be rudely interrupted by a bunch of knights badly disguised as shrubbery. Really, does Lancelot believe he's fooling anyone? Holding a branch over ones face does not generally constitute as a disguise. It couldn't possibly hide that huge head of his.

I heard that.

Lancelot, you're ruining my narration. Will you let me tell the story now?

As long as you leave my gorgeous head out of it, you may proceed.

Well, now that I have your permission…moving on. Yes, Lancelot-whose-overlarge-head-shall-not be-mentioned has gathered his troops. They sneak up on the uninformed member of the clergy…going to have to say a lot of Hail Mary's to make up for being an accessory here…but that's beside the point. Bors, that's rather undignified, what would Vanora say? Agh. Anyway, the troops are armed with their weapon of choice, but certainly not mine. BECAUSE THEY'RE MINE YOU FOOLS!

Chill.

He speaks! Anyway, to get back to my commentary…Bors, being the oaf that he is has stepped on a twig. Horton's delicate eyelashes flutter as if they are two beautiful butterflies about to kiss a flower-

They don't need all that poetry bullshit.

Says you.

That's right. Continue on without all that flower stuff.

I reserve the right to use my own emotions in the telling of this epic scene.

Epic?

(grumbles) Fine, it isn't epic. It's stupid. But I still reserve the right to tell of this completely ridiculous scene in my own way.

Whatever. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Sure, Dagonet…Anyway, Horton's eyelashes are fluttering like leaves in the wind, as a fawn leaps, as a damsel swoons-

Just get on with it.

Aren't we Mr. High and Mighty.

Sarcasm will get you nowhere.

On Contraire, my good fellow, sarcasm makes the world go round.

(Shakes head)

Ha. As I return to my narrative, the jig is up. Horton has come out of hibernation. He is now squealing like a wuss. I would have said squealing like a girl, but that is a terrible insult to the whole of the female sex.

You said sex.

I realize that, Dagonet. Perhaps we could act our age, not our jock size.

That was uncalled for. Why must we use the same pathetic insults that have been used since the cave man first scratched his ass?

You may have a point there, Dagonet. We're also a bit behind on the action.

I'll say. They've already begun their fiendish scheme.

Hush, Dagonet, the spinning of this tale belongs only to me.

You better get on with it then.

(Huff) My "comrades" are currently jabbing Horton with spatulas. Lancelot is laughing manically, as though the world has ended, and he gets the playground all to himself. Galahad seems a bit crazed…I don't believe I've ever seen this side of him before…YOU CAN HIT HIM HARDER GAWAIN! I DON'T THINK HE REALLY HAS FEELINGS. HE'S SIMPLY ONE OF THOSE FILLER CHARACTERS. WE'RE THE IMPORTANT ONES! Ah, well, he never listens to me anyway.

Horton cries out against their cruel tyranny, his shrieks echoing through the clearing. I'm so glad that we aren't worried about the Woads finding us, or anything…

What did I tell you about sarcasm-

Shove it, you! So…Horton scrambles away, his neatly manicured hands scraping at the previously immaculate grass. His cries do not reach the heavens, however, and he is dragged quite forcibly back by some rather juvenile and nubile (ooo…that rhymes!) knights.

Tristan holds his spatula at Horton's throat, as though preparing for the kill. A few more seconds pass with Horton fervently (and rather pathetically) appealing to God. Perhaps he should try Mary. She seems to be in more often. But then, Tristan abruptly drops our favorite Clergyman, and goes bounding off into the forest, for reasons that no one is quite sure of. If I was a creative fellow, I would say that he wished to be one with his inner Chi, but I am not a creative fellow.

Horton has not time to relax, as the mighty Bors has come to make his challenge. He approaches the pitiful being on the forest floor waving his spatula threateningly. The crazed knight intones "Are you feelin' lucky punk?" in a rather scratchy tone, borrowing a terribly inappropriate line from a future feature film. I made an alliteration. I am so proud.

I think this has gone far enough. While I have no personal connection with this clergyman, I feel compelled to aid him. It's a damsel in distress sort of reaction, I guess.

I will now resume the narration, as Arthur has gone off to play peacemaker. This should be fun.

Ah, yes, now the knights are attacking Arthur. With his own spatulas. Excuse me while I let out a heartless laugh of mirth-

I'm back now. They've given up on Arthur in pity…he wasn't much of a challenge. Arthur is now attempting to reason with them. Idiot. They can't follow that kind of logic!

I'll let you in on a little secret. Arthur has issues with confrontation. Seriously. The man can't stand to argue with anyone. Well, not about anything that actually matters. Yes, he can ague about his rights to free expression, as illustrated earlier, but not in a situation like this. Oh, joy.

OH MY DEAR MUM! ARTHUR IS DOWN!

Sorry, it was a bit of a shock. Arthur has fainted. I honestly don't know why I am surprised. Really. This has happened before. At least it stopped those idiots from continuing their campaign of idiocy.

You know, most people don't think I can speak. Like, I'm mute or something. Well, I will have you know I have a quite extensive vocabulary. I even know the word "plethora" beat that, punk.

At the moment, I am working on a collection of poetry expressing my inner turmoil and emotional imbalance. I am quite pleased with it, though Bors spilled ale on my last poem, the fat lard. Grr…

I'm back. They stole my spatulas and will not give them back. I have never felt so helpless and betrayed in all my life.

Arthur, shouldn't we be moving on? Aren't we supposed to be arriving at that Roman fellow's villa soon?

You're right, Dagonet, the plot must go on.

Solain Rhyo- That feels so weird…though I might not want to know about your bodily functions…thanks for reviewing!

Your Deadly Shadow- (I love your penname!) Thanks for the review!

Hockeystar35- I do have a deep love of Lancelot…who doesn't!

Lembaspot- I like exaggerating characteristics. I wouldn't find this interesting if Lancelot wasn't annoying, if everyone didn't have their own arrogance. I'm glad you're enjoying it, and I hope that continues!

Mustang Gal- Perhaps once I've finished some of the other stories I'm working on, I'll do a Bors/Vanora. I love them…they're so cool!

Fiji-mermaid- I'm more of a Tristan girl myself, but Lancelot is a close second!

Realtfarraige- Tristan is one of those people who you know has analyzed every living soul around him. I love him!

Katemary77- sorry…I didn't see your review until I had already posted chapter two! Thanks for reviewing!