Chapter 3 Soundtrack:

Walk Off the Earth – Somebody That I Used To Know (Gotye Cover)

Oasis – Supersonic

Pixies – Where Is My Mind?

CHAPTER 3: PARTY

Mr. Mason was talking in a monotone voice, once in a while writing something on the board. I'd already read the chapter twice the previous day, so I'd shut off my brain for the moment, only now and then thinking thank God it's Friday. My mind was completely empty, which was a good thing. In my months of numbness, also known as B.J. (before Jacob), I'd acquired a helpful skill: the ability to shut my mind off, like turning the sound off on a radio. It only worked when I had very few distractions around me, but it was still helpful.

Jacob's friends had been getting sick of his absence – I'd been stealing all of his time – and his homework had been piling up, so I hadn't seen him in four days. The nightmares had gotten a bit worse again, the agony and despair ripping me apart more brutally than before as I struggled my way through the thick green forest, searching for God knows what. The hole in my chest was slowly getting impossibly more painful, like it was making up for lost time. All in all, I was in a bad mood.

But like always, time passes, and when I walked into the lunchroom it was with a sense of relief. It was much easier to focus on the light conversation around my usual table than to listen to the teachers talk about the same things they'd been talking about the last ten years. I sat down next to Mike, which always seemed to be the only chair available, as Jessica was staring daggers at my head. I was trying my best to talk only to Angela and Ben as a way to let Jessica know that I wasn't pursuing Mike in any way, even though I was getting a little sick of having to worry about that every single time I was near them. I was wondering if it wasn't something else about me that bugged her as well. Maybe it was because of those first months when I hadn't been talking to anyone. It was plausible that she'd taken offence.

Mike wasn't easy to ignore for long though. A finger started poking me on my shoulder, interrupting my conversation with Angela. I had to blink a few times and inhale deeply to squish down my annoyance. "What is it?" I asked, trying very hard to sound friendly. I had very little patience left. "Jessica is having a party tonight. Her parents are out of town." I blinked a few times, a bit surprised. Her parents are out of town, I repeated in my head. Had I missed something? In my months in the zombie-state, had my friends gone from good obedient kids to rebellious teenagers? "Oh," I answered, not really knowing what to say. I was sure I was the exception to the open invitation on this one. "Jess?" Mike caught Jessica's attention and she looked up eagerly. Ah, she hadn't heard what we were talking about. "It's okay if Bella comes tonight, right?" He asked, and I saw the smile drain from her face. "Yeah, sure," she said and put the smile back on her face, but it looked menacing to me. "Actually…" I started, thinking of ways to get out of it, and then changing my mind. "Is it okay if I bring a friend?" Her voice was just as fake as her smile when she answered. "What friend?" I bit my lip for a second. Would Jacob even want to come? "I have plans with Jacob, actually, and I don't want to ditch him. Maybe he'd want to come."

The idea of getting drunk with Jacob suddenly seemed very appealing. "Jacob, he's the La Push-guy you met at the movie's, isn't he?" Jessica asked, her voice a bit too innocent for my liking. "Yeah, the very one." She seemed to be thinking about something, calculating, and whatever it was made her next smile sickly sweet. "Yeah, he can come," she said and looked once at Mike and then at me before she turned her attention back to Lauren, but Lauren had caught up with our conversation. "So he's your new boyfriend?" Lauren asked, emphasizing the word "new" in a way that made my stomach churn. I impressed myself as I could feel that the pain didn't reach my face. Anger won and I let my eyes squint a little. It made her own subtle glare falter. "No," I said firmly. "He's my best friend." My tone didn't leave her with much to work with, so she shrugged and started talking about outfits for the coming party with Jessica.

When she'd looked away and no one paid attention to me anymore the anger began to subside. The pain lingered a beat longer.

After school, catching up on chores at home, calling Jacob and getting an enthusiastic "yes" to the invitation, making dinner for Charlie, reading a few pages in my Trigonometry-book and driving down to the reservation to pick up Jacob, I was in my bedroom looking for something to wear. Jacob lay on his back on my bed, staring at the roof and running his fingers trough his hair, looking huge even on my queen sized bed. I could've sworn he had grown again. "Did you know you have spider webs on your roof? You should watch out, I've read somewhere that people swallow 10 spiders a year in their sleep." It sounded like he was just mocking me, but he was a tad too bored to make his voice teasing. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I honestly don't care about what I'm wearing, I just don't want to get there too early and end up alone with Jessica and Lauren." I'd told Jacob about how Lauren always tried to provoke me, and he'd laughed and muttered "girls" while slowly shaking his head.

I had on a pair of tight black jeans and a white long-sleeve. I looked in the mirror and pursed my lips at my legs. Jacob noticed. "What?" he asked, struggling to bend his head up while still lying on his back and looking at me in the mirror. He looked kind of stupid so I couldn't help snickering a bit. "Nothing. It's just my legs. I've been trying to gain weight, but they're still shrinking." I said shyly. Jacob sat up then. He was wearing a white sweater too – although it looked much better against his russet colored skin than it did against my paleness – and a thin black jacket with worn blue jeans. His hair was in a low ponytail in his neck. He actually looked very handsome, and much older than he was.

He looked at my legs and then up to my face, and I felt my cheeks warm up. "I think you look… great," he said sincerely and I wondered if his kindness had any restrictions at all. So warm, I thought to myself. I sat down on the bed next to him, trying to turn the attention away from my stupid legs and regretting that I'd brought it up in the first place. I touched his nose with my finger and smiled at him, and he beamed back.

"How opposed are you to underage drinking?" I asked, my voice serious in a very unserious way. His smile grew bigger. "Not very opposed," he said. Even sitting down I had to angle my face upwards to look him in the eyes. "Then I suggest we get so monumentally fucked up tonight that we can't tell up from down." His smile didn't falter; rather it changed and turned into more of a half smile and half where did that come from? "Isabella Marie Swan," he said in mock disbelief. I rolled my eyes at him and dragged him with me out of the house. I'd told Charlie that Jacob and I were having a Godfather-marathon at his place and that I would probably sleep on his couch.

When we got to Jessica's I realized three things. The first thing I saw was that there were a lot more people there than I expected there to be, the next two being that I was underdressed and that I was the only one not wearing make up. It seemed that being with Jacob so much had changed me, though. He never seemed to care what people thought or said; he just was who he was, and it was as simple as that. Whenever I'd uncomfortably move subtly away from him if I felt we were sitting too close or being too intimate, he would roll his eyes and drag me back into a crushing bear hug to emphasize that I wasn't going anywhere. He very rarely got embarrassed, and it was rubbing off on me. I honestly didn't care at all. My chin was lifted high and my shoulders relaxed, and I didn't need to put any effort into it. I looked up at him and he met my gaze. We smiled mischievously at each other and he put his arm around my shoulder.

As we walked slowly through the room I spotted Lauren talking to Tyler Crowley, her finger playing with a strand of hair while she looked at him through her mascara-covered lashes. She was wearing high heels and a miniskirt and she already looked a little drunk, slightly swaying a bit on her feet.

Suddenly, Mike's face was right in front of mine. "Bella, you came!" He sent Jacob's arm around my shoulders a quick glance, but it didn't seem like anything could kill that boy's hopes. "Of course," I said, looking up at Jacob and trying to convey with my eyes that it was because he came too and not because Mike was the one who invited me. Jacob looked down on me and for a second he looked a bit surprised and… dazzled? I quickly regretted it as I realized Jacob would interpret my stare that way as well. It was true, but no need to pour fuel into his crush, also known as "the big pink elephant in our little bubble". Mike looked a bit put out, but he wasn't going to give up. I wondered then, as he asked "Can I get you a drink?", looking only at me and not Jacob, if it was all just about wanting what you obviously couldn't get.

Suddenly, Jessica was there too. "Bella, Jacob!" she exclaimed with fake enthusiasm. She normally didn't bother to fake nice emotions for me, so I immediately grew suspicious. Jacob smiled at her. "Hey…" he started, a little unsure. "I'm sorry, I can't seem to remember your name." She beamed at him and fluttered her eyelashes a bit. "I'm Jessica, I live here. I'm so glad you could come." She was speaking only to Jacob now, just as Mike was speaking only to me. She tugged at his arm and kept her smile up. "Come on, I'll get you a drink!" Jacob followed her as she dragged him along and sent me a confused glance over his shoulder. I shrugged at him, trying to seem nonchalant. On the inside, I was outraged.

I forced myself to look away and my eyes landed on Mike. I tried very hard not to make a face. "So, what can I get you?" he asked, seeming more at ease now that Jacob was gone. "Uhm… I don't know, what do you have?" He towed me to a table near by that was filled with assorted bottles, not the kitchen, were Jessica was still fluttering her eyelashes at my Jacob. My Jacob, I thought to myself. Damn it. This wasn't turning out the way I'd planned at all. Getting drunk with Mike while Jessica laid her pathetic moves on Jacob? Argh. "Something strong," I said firmly.

I watched Mike pour something clear from one of the big bottles into a red plastic cup. He handed it to me and I smelled it carefully. Vodka. My mother's favorite, I thought bitterly and threw it back in my mouth. At first it wasn't so bad, and then a shudder went down my spine and my face made an involuntary grimace. Mike chuckled at me. "Do you have something to mix it with?" He nodded and disappeared for a moment to go get it.

I was looking towards the kitchen, watching Jessica and Jacob again. It didn't escape my notice that they were standing right at the mouth of an opening in the crowd where I could see them clearly. Then Lauren came to join them, carrying two plastic cups and handing one of them to Jacob. She leaned against the counter and seemed to be arching her back, as if to push her chest out. I groaned quietly and turned my back to them. Mike's face was right in front of me again, and he was carrying a big bottle of club soda. He mixed me a drink and handed it to me, and this time I drank it more slowly. It wasn't as bad as the first one, but not that much better. It was the first time in a long while that I'd been drinking. I'd only tried it a couple of times in Phoenix and that was just at slumber parties with girlfriends, and it was only a shot or two of something stolen from their parent's liquor cabinets.

"Excuse me, I have to use the restroom," I said in a low voice and walked away from Mike. I was getting sick of his chatting and I didn't like the way he seemed to urge me to drink faster. I walked to the bathroom, closed the door behind me and locked it. Then I hopped up next to the sink and finished my drink. My brows were furrowed in concentration as I tried to sort things out in my head. I'm only angry because Jessica and Lauren are so obviously trying to provoke me. It's not jealousy. I'm just upset because I wanted to spend time with Jake tonight. He makes me feel better. Then I sighed as I realized it was nothing but good old jealousy and there was no use denying it. I wasn't in love with Jacob, but I still wanted him to be mine in some way. I wanted a claim on him. I wanted there to be a reason for him to excuse himself from the conversation to be with me instead. As just a friend, he had no such obligations. I sighed again and hopped back down.

I quickly scanned the room to locate Mike (knowing where he was made it easier to avoid him), who was standing in the other end of the room with Tyler and Eric. I tried to be subtle as I walked through the room to get another drink, and did it successfully without Mike, Jessica or Lauren noticing. I took my drink and went to stand in a hidden corner to look out the window. It was too black too see much, mostly I just saw my own frustrated reflection, but it was better than Mike's stupid face or Jessica's blatant flirting.

Seconds later Jacob's arms wound around my waist from behind as he lifted me off the ground, making me squeal, and put me back down. I turned around and made my face serious. "I'm not gonna be your sloppy seconds, assface." He looked a bit surprised at first, but then he saw the smile trying to escape my lips and the light humor in my eyes, and he let out a laugh. I playfully punched him on the shoulder, but his body didn't even budge. "That was the most pathetic thing I've ever witnessed in my life," he said, and at first I thought he meant my weak punch. "I'm sorry I didn't break free sooner, but it was just a bit too entertaining," he added. Relief washed over me, which was silly, but still wonderful. I smiled big when I answered. "Yeah, I saw. Looked like Laurens boobs were in danger of poking your eyes out." His eyes went big and his face turned serious. "I was actually a little scared there for a while," he said and we laughed together – his dark throaty laugh with my bright one. My laughter died out in a sigh. "I told you they were always trying to provoke me," I said. That made Jacob's smile grow impossibly bigger, and I wondered what it was I'd said that seemed to please him. He threw one of his huge arms around my shoulders and used the other one to ruffle my hair. "Don't be such a crybaby," he teased.

We finished our drinks and went to get new ones before we sat down on an available couch. All of my previous annoyance was gone, and there were only smiles left. I found that when I was under the influence of alcohol, smiling and laughing with Jacob was even easier than it had been before. That annoying feeling at the back of my brain that my smile was sincere, but not entirely true was all gone. I was sure it would return in the morning, but I didn't care at that moment. We were sitting there, surrounded by people but still in our own little bubble as we watched people put their moves on each other and bet on whether they'd succeed or not.

Jacob was much better at it than I was. "Okay, there's Lauren, she's going to try Tyler again I'm sure of it." We both waited in silence as Lauren's eyes landed on Tyler with a lazy smile, very obviously drunk, and started moving towards him. "This will never work. I'm betting she gets turned down," I said, looking at Jacob. "No," he shook his head with confidence. "She won't." We sat in silence again, watching her stumble across the room till she finally reached him. She tapped him on the shoulder and leaned against the counter. He turned around… she leaned forward… she whispered something in his ear… he looked thoughtful for a few seconds, and then as she leant back he shrugged and they walked away – from the looks on their faces, to find a more secluded spot.

My mouth fell open and Jacob snickered. "How do you do that?" He looked at me with a triumphant smile and shrugged. "Oh come on, tell me the secret," I said, nudging him with my elbow. He rolled his eyes at me. "It's easy. When it's the boy making a move, you just have to look at the girl's clothes to figure out what she's after. When it's the girl who's making a move, you always bet yes when it starts to get late and people are fairly drunk". Are boys really that easy? I thought to myself. He looked at my face and snickered again, and then he stood up with our glasses to refill them. He came back with beers. "Beers?" I asked, not really sure if I would like it. On the other hand, the vodka didn't taste much better than vomit. "I'm not gonna get you wasted out of your mind, Bella." I took the beer from him and took a sip. It wasn't so bad – much better than the vodka, and probably healthier.

"Truth or dare," he suddenly said, eyeing me as a competition in a new game. I thought about it for a moment. "Dare," I said. Only chickens started with truth.

After many embarrassing episodes as we spanked random people on their asses, whispered way too sexual or way too weird things in drunk people's ears, chugging down beers and answering childish questions like "Who was your first kiss?" and "Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?" I was monumentally fucked up, just as I planned to, and really tired. The crowd in the house seemed thinner and lazier. A couple of people were asleep in weird places, like hanging halfway out of a chair, and others were just trying to eat each other's faces. I had no better way to describe it.

"Truth or dare," I said and yawned, my eyes barely staying open and my brain sluggish. "Dare," he said, more energetic than I was. "I dare you to carry me to a bed," I said sarcastically. I could feel his weight disappearing from the spot on the couch next to me, and I opened my eyes slightly to see him leaning down towards me with open arms. My eyelids shot open then, but I didn't have time to protest before he'd slung me over his shoulder like a bag of potatoes. His shoulder was pressing into my stomach in an uncomfortable way and I shrieked, making most eyes in the room turn toward us, but I couldn't help breaking into a fit of laughter.

He carried me through the front doors and the fresh air alerted me further. I was completely awake again. He let me drop from his shoulders, but one of his arms caught me behind my knees while the other moved to the top of my back and suddenly he was carrying me in his arms. His body seemed to be radiating warmth, in the literal sense. "Jake, put me down!" I yelled, but I was still laughing so hard that my head would fall back and dangle in the air as I clutched my stomach. Jake laughed with me of course, always in on the joke. "Seriously, we parked way down the road and I'm too heavy, put me down!" He snorted at me. "HA! You weigh less than a bag of feathers." And it really did seem like it was completely effortlessly for him.

He started skipping down the street in a way that made my body jump up and down in his arms, and I shrieked and laughed as my head bobbed in the air and the arm that wasn't around his neck was swinging in all directions. I was laughing too much to gain much control of my limbs.

When we reached the truck Jacob sat down in the driver's seat. "No, Jake, you can't drive when you're drunk," I protested. "I'm not really drunk, just a little tipsy. I'm twice your size, remember?" But I was already halfway asleep. I felt the engine start and I knew somewhere in my brain that I was supposed to object, but I couldn't find my voice. I was unsure of how much time had passed, if it was seconds or minutes when Jacob sighed beside me. "I can't imagine how anyone could ever leave you," he whispered. I wasn't sure if he'd really said it or if I was already asleep.

The next morning I woke up to a throbbing headache and a dry mouth. That really bugged me, because I'd been sleeping without any nightmares and I didn't want to wake up yet. The headache started throbbing more angrily, demanding my attention. Then I stiffened as I realized something was wrong. The smell, the feel of the mattress… I shot up and immediately got dizzy as my headache got impossible worse. I clutched my head with both hands, trying to keep it still. I was in Jacob's room. "Oh, that's right", I groaned… the headache made more sense now. I sluggishly dragged my feet forward and walked out to the living room.

I vaguely remembered waking up in Jacob's arms as he carried me inside, trying to tell him to take the bed, but he wouldn't have any of that. Looking at his huge body sprawled over the sofa that looked small in comparison, I felt guilty for not being more stubborn about it. I dug into my pocket and was relieved to find my cell phone there. 8:30 AM. I could hear Billy' soft snore from another room and tried to move as quietly to the kitchen sink as possible to get some water. I drank three big glasses and my stomach felt bloated with it. Jacob started moving slightly on the couch and smacked his lips lazily. He was slowly getting more and more alert until he finally sat up on the couch and stretched his arm a bit. We were both still dressed in last night's clothes.

"Boo," I said quietly from behind him, not really trying to scare him. I didn't have the energy. He wasn't surprised or scared at all though; he looked like he knew I'd been standing a few feet away all along. "Feeling good?" he asked and flashed a grin over his shoulder. I made an unhappy face, and he snickered a bit, still obviously groggy. "I should get home. I need access to a shower and a toothbrush immediately. Plus, I don't want Billy seeing me like this." Jacob shrugged. "He knows that we went out. I told him there might be alcohol and he just said, "be safe". I think he's pretty cool with it." I shook my head carefully, being kind to my headache, and wondered why Billy treated Jacob like such an adult.

When I came home there was nothing in Charlie's face to suggest that Billy had told on me. I stayed downstairs with him, picking at my breakfast and asking a few questions about work, just trying to get the conversation over with now so I could shower and brush my teeth, and then go to sleep without disturbance. "You're looking pale today," he noted. I nodded and tried to compose my face before I answered. "Yeah, we stayed up pretty late, we saw all the three movies. And I fell asleep on the couch so I didn't sleep well either", I lied. Charlie nodded and looked back down to his newspaper. "Any news about the big bears?" I asked, not really sounding interested. "No, I don't think anyone's seen them in a while." I got up and put my bowl in the sink and the cereal on top of the fridge. "I'll go shower and study a bit," I said, but I was exhausted and went straight to bed after quickly showering and brushing my teeth.

This time, a combination of alcohol and Jacob's warmth didn't keep the dream away. I woke up screaming, and after a moment I felt hands clutching at my shoulders, shaking me. "Bella, wake up. Wake up, honey, it's just a dream. It's okay." It was Charlie's voice. It had been a long time since Charlie had bothered coming in to wake me when I screamed. We were both so used to it by now, I thought he just mostly slept through it. Ah, it's not nighttime, I realized. My screaming had died and I was pulling in sharp and deep breaths, both of my arms wrapped around myself. "Are you okay?" Charlie asked, sounding very unsure of what to do or say. I nodded and closed my eyes. "Yes. Just a nightmare."

I kept my eyes closed until I felt his weight vanish from my bedside and heard the door close. The nightmare wasn't worse and it wasn't better. It was still just as heartbreaking to walk through the foggy woods and never find what I was looking for. This time, I thought I could hear Jacob's voice sometimes and I would turn towards it, but then continue walking in the opposite direction. It sounded like he was saying the same thing over and over again. I can't imagine how anyone could ever leave you. I felt my heart break a little more, even as impossibly broken beyond repair as it already was, when I though about the words.

I didn't understand it. I had been so happy last night. I remembered the feeling of uncontrollable laughter that made my stomach-muscles feel sore as my body shook and jumped up and down in Jacob's arms. How could he still be just a temporary bandage? It was so frustrating. Why couldn't he heal the damn hole in chest? And then I remembered that he truly was just temporary. It wouldn't take too long until someone worthy of Jacob's feelings would come along, and I knew I would lose him them. I would still probably see him from time to time, but it could never be like this. I felt the wet tears run down my face before I realized I was crying, and I wondered how I could possibly have any left.

I was already so lost in the pain that I let myself take the risk of falling even further down into blackness in the hopes of feeling better. Edward, I thought, clear and loud in my head as I tried to picture his perfect face. I could picture it, but I knew my memory didn't do him any justice. I tried to imagine that there was no hole in my chest, that it had never even been there in the first place, and that he was here with me. For a brief second I felt a glimmer of hope as my pulse sped up a bit. But the hole was there, and he was not, and I was much too aware of that to even fool myself for a tiny moment.

Two hours later, I had managed to make myself just numb enough to get out of bed and start dinner.