Final part!...Am I the only one wishing there actually was a Sasuke Can Die In A Hole club? Or better yet, a Light Yagami Can Die In A Hole club, because I really do hate him that much! Anyway, I actually looked up the names of the LOTR character's fathers in the book so I'd get it right...yeah, I'm a total geek...--"
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Naruto, LOTR, FullMetal Alchemist, CSI or Dazzle. I really wish I did, but alas...it is not to be. TTTT
The Wedding That Never Was (Part 3)
After more than a week, Itachi and Sasuke Uchiha were still battling in the park. Itachi still had the advantage, but every once in a while Sasuke would pull a fast one on his brother with a hidden trap card or something.
Oh, by the way, their battle consisted entirely of Yu-gi-oh cards.
Dark circles ringed their bloodshot eyes, and each side of the battlefield was littered with several empty energy drink cans and chocolate bar wrappers. Long ago, Deidara and Sasori had retreated to a Starbucks a couple blocks away in a state of utter boredom.
It was about four in the morning on the ninth day when it happened. Sakura Haruno, director of the official Sasuke Fan Club, and Naruto Uzumaki, director of the Sasuke Can Die In A Hole Club, had shown up to watch the spectacle in their dramatic action anime way.
Suddenly, there came a great cracking sound from the cherry blossom tree beside Sasuke and a moment later the great plant toppled over, heading straight for the young Uchiha's skull. At the last minute, Itachi jumped and unceremoniously shoved Sasuke and himself away from the oncoming wood.
Fortunately for a lot of people, the tree fell right onto Sakura, killing her instantly.
"You...you saved me!" Sasuke gasped.
Itachi directed a strange look in his brother's direction. "Are you kidding? There was no way I was going to let your perfectly tailored Uchiha shirt get all ripped up!!"
Kankuro's puppets proceeded to commit suicide a short while later.
Meanwhile, the CSI team was still working hard to...well I'm not really sure what they were trying to do, but at any rate, they had not yet come up with the location of a young woman by the name of Sera Nakamura.
However, Greg Sanders, after moving about a few dead ferret carcases and chunks of Vincent Green (who had been violently mauled by the rodents), had found a strangely shaped red stone that shone rather brightly. He held it up to the lack of light that shone at 4:30 in the morning and it glowed even brighter. "What is this thing? It kind of looks like garnet er something" Speculated the young CSI.
"There it is, Al!" Shouted a young male voice. "We've finally found the Philosopher's Stone."
Out of pretty much nowhere, a teenage boy with long, braided blond hair and a black jacket appeared. He was flexing his right arm, which happened to be made of auto mail. Beside him was a giant suit of armor.
"But brother..." Intoned the suit, who I assume was Al. "Are you sure it's not another fake?"
"There's only one way to find out." The blond declared, snatching the stone from Greg's hand. The brothers then scampered away to a corner of the park to make sure they'd gotten the right rock. They hadn't.
Kakashi Hatake, who wore a mask every day for no reason at all, sighed deeply and clutched his forehead with his thumb and forefinger. "Man, this place is weird!" Exclaimed the ninja. "Guys, let's go back to Konoha with all those filler episodes."
And that's why sixty episodes of fillers came to pass in the Naruto anime. As to the reason those sixty were also dubbed for American release, that's up for speculation.
Back to the real point, Kakashi and the rest of the shinobi vanished in puffs of smoke. Itachi, Deidara and Sasori got bored after a while and went to a Pachinko parlor, while the CSIs continued their frivolous yet useless investigations.
Half a kilometer east, on top of the hill, Touta Matsuda crept along on his stomach, biding the time till he would go save his girlfriend. It was nearly five in the morning and still relatively dark, but Matsuda spotted a group of ferrets guarding a large opening in the hillside.
He got to his knees and was about to start crawling towards the opening, but a foot had just placed itself gently on his back. He slowly turned and realized that the owner of the aforementioned foot was a silver haired elf with a bow and multiple arrows on his back. Next to him stood a dark haired human with a sword and a bearded dwarf that was wielding a rather enormous Ax.
Matsuda opened his mouth to scream, but the elf cut him off.
"Stay quiet, friend." The elf whispered. "The Orks will be arriving shortly."
"And I'll be damned if I don't kill at least ten thousand of the vermin!" The dwarf boomed in his hearty voice.
"You fool, there's less than that we have to fight." Laughed the human.
"Who the hell are you guys?!" Matsuda demanded.
"I am Aragorn son of Arathorn." Replied the human. "And these are Legolas son of Thranduil and Gimli son of Gloin. We are here to assist the hobbit Frodo Baggins in his quest to destroy the Ring of Power and defeat Sauron and the Orks."
Matsuda's eyes widened in immense wonder and confusion. "Uh...My name's Touta Matsuda, and I'm trying to rescue my girlfriend Sera from a pack of ferrets. And I don't see any Orks anywhere..."
Aragorn squinted his eyes to look into the distance. "It seems you may be right, young Matsuda. But this is Helm's Deep, is it not?"
Matsuda shook his head belligerently. "No, this is Sakura Park."
Legolas frowned in frustration. "Oh...well...I guess we'll be off then. Many thanks, my low-grammared friend, for this vital piece of information."
With that, the three turned on their heels and headed back down the hill.
"I told you we took a wrong turn after Rivendell." Gimli muttered to his companions. They disappeared into the dark mist of early morning.
"Yeah, thanks for the help." Grumbled Matsuda under his breath.
Again, he started his crawling descent to the cave where Sera was being held. Much to his relief, he found that every single one of the ferrets guarding the opening were fast asleep, and went hopping and creeping past them.
Then Eve showed up.
"Hey!" She hollered, so loud that all within a ten-block radius could hear. "Would any of you happen to secretly be Draco Malfoy?" Instantly, every single one of the ferrets guarding the opening were not fast asleep, they were wide awake, and in one probably extensively rehearsed move, they turned their tiny heads to look at Matsuda.
His leg was raised in mid step and his hands were in that pose a cartoon character has when he's sneaking up on something. He opened his mouth.
"Oh shit."
CRASH!!
I woke up suddenly in a cold sweat. Thank god, I thought. The whole Mircea thing had only been a dream. After a few glances, I was surprised to learn that one of the several tunnels in the cave had collapsed. At least it hadn't been the opening.
I was also surprised when someone started releasing me from the confines of the recliner. Through the dark blue light, I was able to make out the form of a young man with short blond hair and bronzed skin.
"What have you gotten us into, Rahzel?!" He whined with a pouty look on his face.
"...R-ra-rahzel..." I stammered, feeling a weird sense almost like Deja Vu.
My releaser waved his hand up and down in front of my face. "Hellooo in there. This is Rayborn speaking."
Finally something clicked. "Rayborn Diorte!" I yelped, leaping out of my chair.
Two men around my own age entered the room. One had white hair that covered half his face and bright red eyes, while the other had short brown air that flicked away from his head. He lit a cigarette and took a long drag.
"Alzeid! Baroqueheat!" I couldn't believe this. Here, right before my eyes were three of the characters from my favorite manga, Dazzle, and they'd mistaken me for the main character Rahzel.
Baroqueheat took another puff and walked over to me, placing his hands on his chest. "Rahzel, I could've sworn you were only an A cup, not a DD." He brooded.
I looked up at him, totally speechless.
"And the stupid chick isn't so old, either." Frowned Alzeid. I was too dumbfounded to point out that I was only 26.
"...C-can I have your autograph?" I finally stuttered.
Baroqueheat's hands snapped away from my chest, but he didn't get to make any profuse apologies, because Mircea had entered the room. He was just the vampire I wanted to see.
"Sera!" He squawked. He ran to my side, and the second it took cleared my head a little. Mircea yanked my arm, trying to pull me away from my beloved manga characters.
"Don't touch me you freaking pedophile!" I screamed. Mircea continued in his attempt to pull my arm out of its socket. "You must trust me, Dulceata!"
A dejected look fell over Baroqueheat. "Is this jerk bothering you, ma'am?" He almost hissed.
"Yeah!" I responded loudly. "This dude wants to rape me or something!!"
My favorite Dazzle character paused, then dropped his cigarette. In one swift move, his right arm changed into a sword and he sliced Mircea clean in half. Mircea's top half finally let go of my arm and toppled to the ground.
"Oh..." I said in conclusion. "That's kind of gross..."
Then Matsuda appeared at the entrance of the cave. "Sera! Oh my god, are you okay?" We met and he hugged me so tight I nearly suffocated.
After getting Rayborn, Alzeid and Baroqueheat's autographs, we pulled Eve away from her ferrets and started home.
Meanwhile, all the ruckus had woken Angie, and she was not happy about it. In an attempt to cheer herself up, she went to her freezer and got a bowl full of bubblegum flavored ice cream. She then headed to the main room of her fort to see what all the noise was about. As soon as she had stepped inside, Rayborn Diorte ran obliviously past, not noticing she was there, and the bowl fell depressingly to the floor.
Her little eyes narrowed to tight slits. "You will rue the day you ever messed with...THE ICE CREAM GIRL!!"
DA DA DUUNN!!
In the next fic, Quillsh Todd: The Demon Chef of Wammy's House, you will learn the most hidden secrets on Watari's cooking, find out the reason why Matt always wears those goggles, view Sera throwing up in amazing HD detail, and see Gollum take a new precious.
Go look it up!!
