Disclaimer: I do not own the anime Le Chevailer D'Eon or its characters.
Enter Teillagory.
3. Pizza and Panache
"Peace and quiet at last," Robin grinned wearily as he watched the twins suck on their bottles. The pair had taken to the bottled formula readily. D'Eon was busy in the kitchen cleaning up. Durand was swigging a beer dejectedly. The game had ended with the Ocelots making off with the French Cup. "My grandpa is going to collect those hundred euros from you soon," Robin taunted.
"Guys, do you mind helping me watch the kids while I dig out the playpen?" D'Eon emerged from the kitchen wearing an Ocelots T-shirt. "Traitor!" Durand pounced on him. "Anna gave this to me!" D'Eon pleaded.
"Hey, knock it off!" Robin urged.
Unnoticed by them, Natalia finished her bottle. She placed the bottle aside and pulled off her soiled diapers. She padded over to the open window and flung the stinky diaper out.
Seven floors down, a beret-wearing old gentleman was on his way to D'Eon's to collect his winnings from Durand when Natalia's diaper hit him full on the head.
DING-dong! "I'll get it!" D'Eon wriggled out from under Durand and made for the door. He opened it wide.
"Monsieur Teillagory?" D'Eon gasped. "I would like to use your shower and a change of clothes… I presume you will not know anything about this?" the old man pointed at the diaper draped over his beret. D'Eon turned his attention to the toddlers.
"Natalia!"
The little girl was perched on the sofa, diaper-less. Her face was scrunched up with intense concentration. She was in the process of relieving her bowels on the upholstery. "Argh!" D'Eon grabbed the child and yelled for a diaper. Durand and Robin made a mad dash for the baby-bag. Meanwhile, Maximilien Jr. had also divested himself of his diaper and was peeing into Durand's ignored beer can.
"You should consider toilet-training them…" Teillagory loped off to the shower.
"Here's the diaper-bag, D'Eon," Robin returned with the diapers. "Er, I think Max Jr. wants to go too…"
"Again? I thought he just went," D'Eon moaned as he packed a diaper round Natalia's bottom before turning his attention to Max. The little boy had decided to use the large bowl of chips as a makeshift potty. "Max, no!"
Too late… "Phew, we need some air here!" Robin hurried to throw open all the windows in the apartment. The stench on top of the heat made the apartment unbearable.
"How difficult can caring for these two be? Max told me he had Anna come in to watch them every fortnight for three hours so he and Lia could go to the theatre…" Durand grumbled and took a sip from his beer can. "Damn this heat wave. Even my beer's gone sour…"
"Taking care of les enfants is easy, if you're a female… I have some luck toilet-training puppies… I mean, kids are good for going to the ball game or fishing with, after they are toilet-trained," Teillagory said. "My poor beret will need a thorough dry-cleaning. Know any drycleaners not on strike nearby?"
"Nguyen and Sons' in the next block, first floor," D'Eon replied.
Teillagory emerged from the shower wearing a faded Foreign Legion T-shirt. "Where did that come from?" Durand asked. "Hand-me-down from Maximilien…" D"Eon explained. The blond man hurriedly tidied up and re-diapered the twins. "We really need that play-pen before they get into any more mischief." The twins shot their uncle a wide-eyed look of sweet innocence.
"Think I found it!" Robin dragged a mishmash of plastic, webbing and fabric out of the storeroom. "No, that is a tent," Durand corrected. "It's the same one Max and I used for that wildlife gig in the forest. "Yup, still has the stitches from that wild boar attack." He patted a row of stitches.
"We could pop them inside and zip them in, couldn't we?" Robin suggested. "I could set it up in no time…"
"Guys, the twins have an appointment at the doctor's at three o'clock. What say I call pizza for lunch, my treat for helping me with the tots?"D'Eon asked. It was past lunch-time.
"Great, I want vegetarian," Robin chirped. "Give me a BBQ supremo," Durand said and passed D'Eon twenty euros. "Mon ami, I can't let you treat me if you are still jobless…"
"I'll pass," Teillagory said. "Ate lunch at the Café de Rouen. Chef Philippe's duck in orange sauce is to die for. Robin, send my beret to the Nguyen drycleaner please." He handed Robin his bagged beret. Robin pulled a face.
D'Eon grabbed the phone and dialled the number of his usual pizza eatery.
"Louie! Get your sorry butt here! Send these pizzas out pronto!" the chef of Le Italino shouted at their newest deliveryman. Louie Capet, once husband to Marie and CEO of Vee-TV, staggered under the dozen pizza boxes as he made his way to his scooter. "And if you see that lazy pig Cagliostro about town, tell him I want him back immediately or he's fired. He's been missing for two hours!"
"Le Basket, 13 Guillotine Avenue, one regular anchovy, three olives…" Louie ran through the orders as he zipped about the city. "14, Templar Boulevard, one extra large Mushroom Cheezy… Apartment 7A, Liberty Lodging, 18… wait, this one looks familiar…"
Reaching Liberty Lodging, the former CEO walked to the elevator and pressed the button for the 7th floor. Reaching the 7th floor, he walked over to and rang the bell of apartment 7A. DING-dong!
The door swung open and the hapless pizza deliveryman was sprayed with a water pistol by a grinning Maximilien Jr. "I'm so sorry…" D'Eon apologized. "I told you handing him a water pistol was a mistake," he said accusingly over his shoulder to a grinning Durand. Louie blanched when he saw Robin, Durand and Teillagory looking at him. They had recognized their former CEO.
"Here's your pizza…" he handed the pizzas to D'Eon. "Great! We're starved," Durand loped over to the door. "Here's the money with the tip," Durand grinned as he paid the deliveryman. "Oh, Marie sends her regards. Do you still owe her child support? Of course she's doing better than ever without you. The same is true for Auguste," he jibed. "Adieu," he slammed the door in the man's face.
"Durand, that was mean," Teillagory said pointedly as he tried to fend off Natalia's attempts to pull his moustache off his face. "Well, revenge is sweet served cold," Durand replied grimly. The numerous insults Louie had heaped upon him when he was a struggling sound technician in Vee-TV were not easily forgotten. Teillagory yawned. The heat was making him drowsy. Losing interest in the moustache, Natalia bounded off his lap to seek out her brother in rummaging through a box of odds and ends.
"Let's eat!" Robin immediately grabbed a slice of vegetarian pizza.
At St Germaine and Dashwood Clinic…
Dr St Germaine checked his schedule. "Dr Dashwood, we have the Robespierre twins coming in later… do you want to take them? I don't." His partner blanched. "My insurance doesn't cover that. Let's do a coin toss. Heads, you take them. Tails, I take them… Hold a sec…"
The older partner walked over to the door of their office. "Miss Rochefort? Do you have a coin on you? Yes? Good, good…"
Dashwood returned with a coin from Anna. He was about to toss it when St Germaine stopped him. "Wait, let's get someone to toss it for us. Brother Whitehead!"
"Sorry, Brother Whitehead handed in his resignation. Seems he feels safer signing up for a security job in Iraq," Dr Dashwood said wryly. "Must be the Robespierre brats. He was never the same since he got bashed on the head with that kiddie bat… Mademoiselle Rochefort, please come in a moment," he called for their receptionist.
"What may I help you with?" Anna asked as she walked in. "We need you to toss a coin for us," Dr Dashwood said. "Here goes…" Anna tossed the coin. "Heads!" Dashwood crowed with joy at the result. St Germaine let out a moan. "Merci, Mademoiselle, you may return to your post…" The younger doctor resigned himself to his fate. He walked over to a cloak-closet and pulled out a rugby helmet and breastplate. A puzzled Anna left the room.
"Don't forget the codpiece unless you don't want grandchildren," Dashwood reminded with a wicked smirk. "After meeting those little devils, I am not even sure I want kids," St Germaine replied. Still he took out the codpiece. The memory of bruised balls from the twins' last appointment was still fresh in his mind.
"They don't sound pleased," D'Eon stared doubtfully at the tent as it shook and shuddered. The twins wailed their indignation from within. "Relax, D'Eon. Like puppies, they need some discipline. A bit of punishment to show them who the boss is…" Teillagory stroked his sore upper lip. The final straw came when Maximilien and Natalia tried ripping Teillagory's moustache off with duct tape while he slumbered.
"Gramps, perhaps if I trim the other side to match, it would not be that bad," Robin suggested.
"There is still that appointment…" D'Eon suggested. "Teillagory, could I borrow your car please?"
"Yes but I'll drive, thank you very much," the old man replied. "Do you happen to have a child seat?"
"No…" D'Eon frowned as an image of the twins bouncing about the inside of Teillagory's Renault popped into his mind. "Can't be helped then…" Teillagory lifted a coil of rope from a pile of camping gear in the storeroom. "I am not driving about Paris with two unsecured imps in the backseat."
"You intend to tie them up? That's too much, isn't it?" D'Eon said with a frown. "Not really… I will fashion a petite harness each and strap them onto two brave volunteers, preferably strong adult males," Teillagory patted D'Eon and Durand on the shoulder in turn.
"Don't touch there, OW!" Durand yelped in agony when Maximilien Jr. found something interesting in his pants pocket. "Keep it down in the back," Teillagory chided. "He's pinching my balls!" Durand whined as the little nipper continued his exploration.
"I told you should have fastened him on the other way. Face to face is too risky," D'Eon said as he tried to stop Natalia from throwing the street directory out the open window. At least she wasn't trying to rip off his balls. Natalia reached over to the front seat. "Argh! D'Eon, your niece is trying to scalp me!" Robin yelped in pain as Natalia ripped out a baby-fistful of red hair from his head.
"Are we there yet?" Durand moaned. Thankfully, Maximilien Jr. had lost interest in his attempt to castrate his human child-seat. He then noticed Durand's new ear piercing and… "Aargh! He's ripped off my ear." Blood oozed from Durand's torn earlobe as Maximilien Jr. waved his prize, Durand's dangly cross earring, aloft.
"Well, well, here we are…" Teillagory nonchalantly nudged his vehicle into a parking space a block away from the clinic. "Better get that ear stitched up, Durand…" D'Eon held his hanky to Durand's wound to staunch the bleeding. They disembarked and Teillagory untied the twins from D'Eon and Durand. The twins went quiet when they saw the façade of the Rocco-style building housing the clinic. They apparently decided to save their energy to give their paediatrician hell in a short while. The twins followed their uncle obediently in through the revolving doors. They entered the clinic without further incident.
"Anna?" D'Eon gasped when he stepped into the clinic. Anna looked up from her work.
"D'Eon? Oh, you brought the twins for their appointment," Anna beamed beatifically at the children. The twins put on their best innocent faces for their favourite babysitter. "Lia is away. Urgent business…" D'Eon explained. "Dr St Germaine will see the twins shortly." Anna chirped. "They are little angels, aren't they?"
"Sure…" D'Eon lied. Durand stepped in at this instant. "Durand! You are bleeding!" Anna exclaimed. She walked out from behind the counter and took a look at his ear. "You are walking funny too… did you pull a muscle?"
"Had a little accident playing with little Max… got a doctor about?" Durand said. "Here's your queue number…" Anna cranked out a slip of paper from a machine. "The prices are a bit steep here for a consultation…" she warned.
"Put it on D'Eon's tab. He could claim it back from his sis when she gets back," Durand said as he hobbled off to a bench.
"Oh my, Monsieur Teillagory, Robin, your moustache, your hair…" Anna gasped at the sight of Robin's bald patch where Natalia had ripped his hair out and the old man's lopsided moustache. "We'll be at the barber's fixing this… would four be a good time to pick up D'Eon and the tykes?" Teillagory asked.
"Yes, the check-up shouldn't take too long," Anna smiled. "Dr St Germaine should call them in any time now." The twins toddled over to the waiting room benches and sat down. Max Jr. selected a Madeline picture book from the coffee table and the pair started browsing through the pages like well-behaved children. They sucked on their pacifiers quietly and watched their elders and fellow patients potter about the waiting room.
Inside the doctor's office, Dr St Germaine strapped on his protective gear as if armouring up for battle. He took his rosary out of its drawer, kissed the little silver cross for luck and rang the bell which would summon the twins in for their check-up and scheduled booster shots.
Author's Notes:
The twins are little devils, aren't they? They'll only be angels for Anna, and maybe their parents. Even the doctors are terrified of them.
