Featuring more stupid videos that Ralph and TJ have made and have on their channel.


Rewriting the Program
Chapter Four: Deleted Scenes, Part Two


"That kid who shakes the console."

"HOW DID I LOSE AGAIN?! I WAS SO CLOSE!" TJ cried. He grabbed his and Ralph's fake box-console and began to shake it furiously. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ralph and TJ had figured out how to do shaky camera, it seemed. Ralph stumbled about and toppled off the Niceland building roof. End of video.

"Do gamers in arcades really do that?" Shank asked Vanellope after they'd watched it.

"Yeah, sometimes." They kicked, too, and swore, and smacked the screen. One of the many perks of Slaughter Race was not having to put up with gamers' butthurt tantrums. When they lost, their avatar disappeared and was relocated to square one. If they were being particularly abusive, or were trying to cheat, the Slaughter Race crew just took them out, regardless of rules. Shank had even banned a few from entry altogether. In Slaughter Race, there was no disrespect.

In Litwak's Arcade, on the other hand, being disrespected was a way of life for many, which was one of the many reasons why Vanellope didn't miss the place. Then why, lately, was she spending every waking moment thinking about it?


"Ralph, would you ever go vegan?"

"No."

"Never?"

"Never."

"Would you do it for a million dollars?"

"Pfffffft, no. What would I even spend the money on? Plants?"

"Will you share that cheeseburger with a hungry growing boy who loves you—?"

"No."

End of video.


"TJ, explain to me, what is Game of Thrones?"

TJ didn't look up from his phone as he answered, very seriously, "It's a game show where you win a toilet." The caption "Ralph doesn't fact-check" quickly flashed on screen.

"Ohhhhhhhh, okay. Is that why the main guy is called Jon?" "Yeah, he's the host—"

End of video.


Ralph was wearing a tangled blonde wig with a plastic crown on top as he pretended to talk on the phone in a shrill girly voice. "Toad, I've been kidnapped by Bowser again! Send Mario!"

The video cut to an unimpressed-looking TJ wearing what was obviously a homemade Toad cap, also pretending to talk into the phone. "Your Highness, this is the eleventh time this month you've been kidnapped. Maybe we should revaluate the Mushroom Kingdom's budget to include an actual security system—"

"I SAID SEND MARIO!"

"Ughhhhhhh." TJ hung up and started to dial. "Caaaaaaaalling Mario…"

End of video.

TJ held up a metallic letter "N." "This is for you, Ralph. It stands for 'Noob." 'Cause you are one."

"Where did you get that?"

TJ pointed. "Off that sign." The camera quickly panned to the right to show Niceland's entrance sign, minus the "N." It then panned back to the preteen hybrid shrieking and waving Iceland's flag. "WELCOME TO ICELAND! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!"

End of video.


Ralph, looking angry and frustrated, grumbled to himself as he overturned rocks and tree trunks and lifted up garbage cans and flower pots to check behind them. "TJ, have you seen my favorite brick?! It's the red one—"

TJ slowly panned the camera to the left to show the viewers Ralph's very extensive pile of thousands of completely identical red bricks. "No. No, I have not."

End of video


Ralph was sprawled out on his brick pile, fast asleep and snoring. "Ralph, wake up." Ralph didn't move. "RALPH, WAKE UP!" Ralph still didn't move. TJ picked up a brick and tossed it. It bounced off Ralph's gut and the bad guy, unfazed, snorted and rolled over. TJ then raised his paintball gun, contemplated for a second, and then lowered it. "No, I'm not that mean."

He switched tactics. "Okay, then. I guess I'll have to drink this alcoholic beer alllllllll by myseeeeeeeeeeelf!"

Ralph woke up at once. "HEY!" he cried furiously. "I want some!"

End of video.


End of Deleted Scenes


I swear I will start working on the next actual chapter of "Rewriting the Program" soon.