Chapter three: Prayer

Another nightmare about to come true
Will manifest tomorrow
Another love that I've taken from you
Lost in time, on the edge of suffering
Another taste of the evil I breed
Will level you completely
Bring to life everything that you fear
Live in the dark, and the world is threatening


Dean pulled at the collar of his cassock uncomfortably. It wasn't enough that monks h ad to live without sex, without any vice, without even a single sinful thought. No, they had to be cloistered without porn in the most uncomfortable clothes he'd ever worn. At least prison jumpsuits were comfortable, if scratchy at times. This was beyond all that.

Dean Winchester had worn many outfits in his career. Priestly garb, suits numerous times, lab coats. He had so many fake IDs and badges it was hard sometimes to keep them straight. He had one for every occasion, from Homeland Security to Bikini Inspector to Teddy Bear doctor. And Sam had said that one would never come in handy!

He still had the first fake badge he'd ever made, he was thirteen, and it was for the Herkimer County Sheriff's office in Upstate New York. Of course, he could never use it, he'd made it for his dad. For Father's Day, once he'd heard they were headed up that way for a job. And it had worked. The look of pride on his father's face was something he never forgot, so he honed his craft until he was one of the best there was. If he ever got out of hunting (which he didn't think he ever would) he could always go into that racket.

Hunting was in his blood. From both sides of his family, more so on his mom's. His father was an uber hunter. He'd been raised as a hunter, learning the lore and the legends, the spells and the ciphers. The weaponry. The con to make the job go easier.

Like now, outside a bishop's office, posing as an American monk back from Rome itself. But he needed some information on revelations, and this seemed to be a good source. Not like he could get in to see the pope after all. He was in Rome. And that involved one hell of a plane ride he wasn't prepared to take!

"I hear you were in Rome." The bishop said as he ushered the young monk into his office. "How is the Holy See?"

"I saw him from across the room once. Taller than I expected." Dean lied and the bishop nodded.

"So what can I help you with?"

"Revelations." Dean said, might as well get to the point.

"Ah, the most controversial book." The bishop said, shaking his head. "We've all analyzed it throughout our religious lives. I suppose everyone starts there."

"Do you think it can happen?"

"Anything is possible." The bishop said as a priest brought in coffee, then left. "IT's the only book in the Bible that is prophetic, and even that's up for debate. The rest of the Bible is a historical record, of the Hebrews, then of Christ's life. That last book, always problematic. Some believe that it's also a historical record, of Nero's reign in Rome."

"What do you believe?' Dean asked.

"That worst is yet to come. With every age, someone declares a person in power as the Anti Christ. Nero, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, even George W. Bush. Heard Obama mentioned once. But myself? I believe the Anti Christ will work much quieter, not wanting the acclaim that could endanger him until he's unstoppable. The president is out, our country has checks and balances, and elections every four years. Dictators, they don't have very long lives in politics. I believe the Anti Christ will not be in politics, no, he'll be on the front line himself. As all good leaders are."

"Good leader?"

"A good leader is defined by their followers. If they can get people to follow them, they are good leaders. Their motives might be evil, but they are good leaders. George Washington was a good leader. And Hitler was a good leader, people died willingly for him. He swayed a whole country into anti-Semitism. Evil, yes. Definitely. But still a good leader, at least until he lost his mind." The bishop said, stirring in sugar, the spoon clanking against the delicate china.

"So there's a front line?"

"There's always a front line." The bishop said. "Every day we become a culture of death. Racism, war, abortion, poverty, ignoring the needs and wants of people less fortunate. We become enamored with things instead of people. With materials instead of goodness. But the church feels the front lines need solidifying now. I've always wondered on the big push for recruitment. We're always looking to convert, to show people the love of God through our eyes. We have an admittedly scattered and shattered history on that."

"Like the Inquisition."

"Exactly. But the directives from the Holy See are more urgent. There's also been more working with the other sects. Even the Protestants. It's like we're shoring up our defenses." The bishop said. "Are you familiar with the Fatima Prophecies?"

"Sure. Three little girls said Mary talked to them , gave them three secrets. Lots of theories on that last one, that what was revealed wasn't it." Dean said.

"Not even close." The bishop said. "The world isn't ready for it. I haven't read it myself, but I do know the pope at the time, John Paul II, didn't disclose the actual words of Lucia. He released a message of hope and love. It might have been in there, but I think John Paul I was closer, when he said we have to be prepared to suffer, before long, great trials which will require of us the disposition to sacrifice even our life for Christ. That through your prayers and mine, it is still possible to diminish this trial, but it is no longer possible to avert it, because only in this manner can the Church be effectively renewed. How many times has the renewal of the Church been brought about in blood! It will not be different this time. I take that as a foreboding message."

"So the Church h as known the Apocalypse is coming?" Dean asked. "What are they doing about it?"

"The book says the faithful will be saved. We're trying to make as many people faithful as we can, it's all we can do. It can't be stopped."

"What if it could? What if we could stop the seals from breaking?" Dean asked.

"Ah, youth. I remember it well. Everything can be controlled and stopped. Has it occurred to you that this is God's plan?" The bishop said over his coffee. "Our god is a fair loving god, but he's also..."

"Got a bit of a temper problem? Apparently he did flood the earth once."

"Because the world was vile and wicked." The bishop said. "Not unlike now. Why all the talk about stopping the breaking of the seals?"

"What if I told you the seals were breaking?"

"And how would a lowly monk know?" The bishop asked.

"The witnesses rose. Samhain rose. That's two."

"Out of a possible six hundred. And only sixty six need to be broken." The bishop asked, uneasy now in this young man's presence. "You're not a monk, are you?"

"Not so much." Dean admitted. Wondering if he could take off the cassock now then. "What if I were to tell you that I was chosen by God to stop it?"

"I'd say you needed therapy. In fact, I know some good ones." The bishop said, going for his rolodex. Dean stood up and leaned over the desk.

"I'm serious. Believe me, I wish I were crazy. My brother and I have been roped into this. We want this over so we can get back to normal." Dean said.

"Your brother?" The bishop said. "Brothers never fair well in Biblical history. Cain and Abel, Michael and Lucifer..."

"Huh?"

"Michael the archangel. The first being God created. Lucifer, the Morningstar, was first an archangel alongside Michael and others before his fatal sin of pride developed. It was left to Michael to banish his own brother to hell. Some have theorized that it was Michael's weakness that prevented him from killing Lucifer, his brother, and leaving this all to happen. If you were chosen by God to stop this, and for the record I still think you need intensive inpatient therapy, I don't envy you."

"Yeah, I get that a lot. The crazy and the not envy part." Dean said as he finished his coffee and set the cup on the bishop's desk. "We never had this conversation."

"Oh, I've never seen you before." The bishop said.


Sam was feeling fine that morning until he got to the hotel and room 109 and found Uriel standing post outside it. It was going to start again, he knew it. And frowned deeply when the archangel simply stepped in front of the door not allowing him to pass.

"So what's with the garden of Eden routine?" Sam asked bluntly. He wasn't up to this. Like most people, Sam didn't like being disillusioned. So he had a hard time dealing with the object of his disillusionment. Especially when it was standing in his way.

"You aren't welcome here." Uriel said simply. "You need to know that."

"What?" He asked, eyes widening. "No... You need to get out of my way." He said and pushed his way past the angel. He opened the door and called out his brother's name.

"Dean isn't here. He isn't coming back." Uriel stated. "You and that stain... did you think we wouldn't know?"

"For one, she is helping which is more than either of you have managed to do, and for another Dean wouldn't pack up and leave because I got laid."

"Perhaps... but he is gone. You were slowing him down. Distracting him. Quite honestly I don't understand why he put up with it as long as he has. Hell... changes a man. "

"Yeah... it turns them into demons, but Dean isn't a demon. Dean wouldn't just leave me. He went there to save me. That should tell you something."

"What it tells me is you are a constant reminder of what he went through, and you are squandering his sacrifice. He has a job to do."

"Your job." Sam countered.

Uriel shrugged. "He was brought back from hell to do a job, not to babysit his demon loving brother. He was risking everything. The world and his own soul to keep you happy and safe. "

"So... you saying he picked you over me because of the demon blood? Or because I was having sex with a demon?"

"I'm not saying anything." Uriel said as Sam searched the room for Dean's things, finding only his own. "Other than he is gone, and you are not welcome. " He told Sam as he started to walk toward the door. "And if you care about Dean at all, you won't try and find him. You will only get him sent back to hell."

It was some time before Sam could convince himself that it wasn't some horrible nightmare. He had gone through the motions, all the while growing more numb and losing track of time and in some ways reality. Sam sank to the bed and stared at his hands. He didn't want to believe his brother had actually abandoned him. He hadn't believed it at first.

He had called Dean's cell phone only to find that it was no longer in service. He had tried Bobby's place to see if there was a way to get a message to Dean but even that avenue was closed to him. Even then he didn't believe. Couldn't believe. Dean was the one stable thing in Sam's life. Dean was the one Sam had never doubted or questioned. The man had gone to hell in order to save him. How much more proof did he need that Dean wouldn't leave him?

But he had.

Sam had searched the room only to find his bags sitting neatly on the bed. Nothing more. He had been left a bottle of holy water, a canister of salt, and one pistol in his bags. Dean had taken the rest of the weapons. Sam had his clothing, his computer bag, the small collection of protection supplies and whatever he had on his person. There was no note, no message on his phone. Nothing to tell him that Dean wasn't on the run, or in trouble somewhere, other than the messenger. Uriel.

He could deny the angel's veracity, he could deny that Dean's departure was willing, but he couldn't deny the two in concert. He had nearly died when Dean had been sent to hell. He had sat on his hotel room bed, much as he was now, and stared at a gun, much as he was now. What had stopped him was the fact that he couldn't just leave his brother there. He had to try and save him. Had spent months trying to get someone to talk to him, someone to take the deal, but they wouldn't. By then Ruby had started him down the path of vengeance, using his powers to fight the demons.

Now there was no deal to try and make, there was no vengeance to be had. Dean had left of his own volition. He had left him. Sam wanted to cry, but he couldn't. The tears wouldn't come. But the pain was there, deep, ragged, pain that overwhelmed everything else. He checked the weapon and found it was loaded and set it on the table. The tequila was where he had left it, tucked in his bag from a previous night's pain management. This he set on the table as well.

He was almost completely numb by the time he had finished wiping down every surface in the hotel room. He was going on auto pilot, only half aware of what he was intending. He only knew that he wanted nothing left in the room for Dean to be blamed for, although part of him wondered if Dean had cleaned it himself already, with the same thoughts in mind. He had only left one pistol, no ammo other than what was in the clip. Had he figured Sam wouldn't need it? Was it a message in and of itself? Just in case the archangel had decided to let Sam live? For the barest of instants he regretted wiping down the room so thoroughly. But it passed, anger and resentment replaced by a fresh round of sorrow.

He returned to his chair and downed half of the remaining tequila in one long slow draw. He picked up the gun and took it apart, cleaning even the inner workings. By the time the task was completed and the gun lay before him, well oiled, and free of anything that could be traced back to his brother, the pain had once more turned to anger. They had been doing so well, putting their relationship back in order, becoming brothers again.

The door opened and he found himself staring down the motel manager. "Funny the little turns life takes isn't it?" The man said, and Sam knew the man wasn't walking alone.

"I have enough salt for the open wound, thanks." He told him, keeping an eye on him, not really wanting to just lay down and die at the moment. Not at the hands of some demon. He took another drink of the tequila figuring he was about to get one hell of a frigging head ache.

"Poor little Sammy Winchester. Guess there isn't anyone to protect you anymore. " He said as he moved through the room. "Have to be pretty pathetic to have your own brother abandon you."

"Word sure does get around fast." He said as he put the gun in his waist band. He really wasn't in the mood. Not now. "So what's the plan? Talk me to death? Maybe piss me off enough to attack you so you can show me how big and bad you are?" Sam asked, rolling his eyes.

"The plan is to eat your heart while it's still beating."

"You people need to get some new material. I think I heard that the first time when I was what… 12... 13. " He said as he got to his feet. He sounded bored but the fact was he just didn't care. None of it mattered.

The demon looked at him. "What… no latin? No attempts to blow me away with that famous gun of yours… oh wait… big brother took that with him didn't he. Then again," he said, "maybe the old rituals don't work for you anymore. I hear God has to back those with his own power, I hear he frowns on your kind. Flooded the world to wipe you all out once upon a time … or so the story goes anyway."It tossed a Gideon's Bible onto the table in front of Sam. "Go ahead, open it up and read something. Give me the shivers. Do so-"

Sam raised his hand. "Will you just shut the hell up already?" He said and tilted his head forward, focusing on the man before him, willing the creature within him to come forth. The manager choked and sputtered as the demon resisted. Eventually the man fell to the floor, and the inky blackness oozed around him, eventually pooling and sinking ever downward until it was gone.

Sam yelled then. Howled really. Reality filtered through the emotional haze and sent him spiraling out of control He had lost everything and everyone. He tossed the table across the room, and it splintered against the wall.

He glared at the body on the floor. Empty now but it reminded him of the demon, the taunting, and the truth of his words that still stung. Demons didn't lie if the truth could hurt more. Sam couldn't function, couldn't think, the emotions were overwhelming . The room seemed to waver, going in and out of focus as he spilled salt all over the body, then the rest of the tequila. He struck a match dropped it on the body staring at the flames as the covered the body.

He grabbed his bags and started toward the door, pausing to turn back one last time then tossed the Gideon bible into the flames as well. Once out into the night air he walked slowly and casually away from the motel, not looking back. It was fitting it should burn to the ground. A proper ending. His past salted and burned.


"What do you mean he's gone?" Dean demanded. He'd come back to the hotel room. Everything was gone, including the whole hotel. So it was probably better to say he'd attempted to go back to the hotel room. He'd been delayed with a priest, a bishop in fact, getting more information on revelations.

The hotel was still smoldering, a few firemen around putting out small blazes.
And the strangest thing, the thing that hit home, was that all of his things, his clothes, his duffel, his weapons, were neatly piled off in the bushes. Even his phone charger. Everything he had had been saved from the fire. By the person who started it.

Sam.

"Will one of you say something?"

"It's not our job to keep track of your brother." Uriel said impassively. His face not showing one iota of expression. Not even the disdain he usually reserved for when he had to refer to Sam.

"No, it's my job. But I've been doing YOUR job." Dean snapped and ran his hand through his short cropped hair as he paced the parking lot.

"Your brother is resourceful. He survived four months without you." Uriel said as Castiel glanced at him. What was the archangel up to?

"Barely. But you're right, he's my concern, not yours." Dean said as he threw his clothes back into the bag.

"Winchester , you need to stop." Uriel said. Nearly placating. Well, as near placating as someone like him could get. "We're speaking of Armageddon here."

"Blah, blah blah." Dean said. "I'm off until I find my brother." He said as he went into the Impala and pulled out of the parking lot, tires protesting with screech and smoke. "Jesus!" He said, as he went to turn on the radio and found someone in the passenger seat. And it wasn't Sam, who should have been there.

It was an insult that Castiel was there, and not Sam, and Dean braked hard, pulling over to the curb. "What the hell!?" He demanded

"Exactly." Castiel said.

"Not in the mood for mind or word games here. Your buddy said something." Dean said. "I know he did."

"Sam has free will." Castiel said patiently. "Whatever choice he made is his own."

"You don't understand my brother." Dean said. Sam wouldn't leave unless he felt his hand been forced somehow. That much had been ingrained by their father, and that much had stuck.

"If we don't stop the seals from opening, there will be hell on earth. Whether you find your brother by then will be immaterial, because Lucifer will walk, and all will be destroyed." Castiel said. "He's hidden from us, we can't find him."

"What? Is it the demon blood?"

"No." Castiel said, shaking his head with a puzzled expression. "We were able to find him before if we wanted to. Now there's just emptiness."

"Is he dead?" Dean asked, holding his breath.

"No." Castiel said quickly. Dean was on a tight rope of sanity as it was. No sense pushing the man over. "Even when a soul is dead, we can find it." He looked at Dean to make his point. "We found you."

"Fine, he's not dead, but you guys can't find him. Which means I have to find him. You don't understand, the kid goes off alone, he gets in all sorts of trouble. Like hillbilly cannibals, psycho hunters, screwing demons...."

"He's your brother. I appreciate your concern."

"But you're not going to help."

"We have bigger things to worry about."

"Maybe you do." Dean said as he pulled back onto the road.

"We all do." Castiel said. "I don't know where Sam is, or why he left, but the end of the world is coming. All of this, this world, this car, you, your brother , will be lost if we don't stop it. My father, our father, believes....he knows....you can help stop it. It's a huge responsibility, and sometimes it involves sacrifice."

"My brother is not a sacrifice."

"If you don't help us, he's dead anyway." Castiel said. "Or worse, he is after all, the boy with the demon blood. With demon alliances, no matter what the motive. If Hell comes to earth, if Lucifer walks, there is a chance he could go irrevocably dark."

"Like Vader?" Dean scoffed. Castiel didn't understand the reference, so he ignored it.

"We have a lead on the seal. Please, come with us."

Dean pulled over again. Why did Castiel have to be so damn logical? He knew very well the Apocalypse was approaching. Fast too. If he ignored it, this would all end anyway, and finding Sam would be a moot point at that time.

"Fine." He growled. "Where's the seal and how do I contain it?"

"I told you I don't envy you your responsibility. It's a heavy load. And the choices you'll have to make are hard, very hard. And every step on the road it will just get harder. Some of them you won't like, some of them you'd rather die than make. But you're strong." Castiel said, staring straight ahead. "It's important that you keep the path."

"Why do I have to fight your war?" Dean asked. He was annoyed, pissed, that he was constantly backed into this corner. And when Dean was backed into a corner, he fought all the harder to get out, always had. Used to have the scars to prove it.

"It's your war too." Castiel said. "It may have started in heaven, but mortals have done more than their share to bring it to this realm. It will be fought here, on earth. All things have a plan."

"And God's the one holding the manual. Yeah, I got that. I also get that he doesn't let anyone look at it." Dean said, shaking his head as he leaned back in his seat.

"The seal is in Maine. Dark Harbor. It's a long drive, you should stop for coffee and get going." Castiel said as he disappeared.

"It's unfortunate that Samuel didn't kamikaze before you pulled Dean out of hell." Uriel said solemnly as Castiel appeared next to him. In their normal watching position .

"If he had, Dean would have just made another deal, undoing what I have done." Castiel said. "The bond between brothers is unfathomable."

"Oh yes, just ask Abel." Uriel said.

"Or Michael."


Sam had started walking , not really caring which direction. Just away . His thoughts were shut out by the steady thudding of his foot falls on pavement. He was careful to stay away from roads that his brother might have taken, not that he expected to see him coming back for him. It was more a shunning really. The hours passed and his body ached. He welcomed the distraction.

He saw the parking lot and almost thought he was hallucinating, until he spotted what had to be a road house. There were more motorcycles than cars in the parking lot. He thought about stealing one, but decided he needed a drink more than he needed to be further down the road. After all, where was he going? What was he going to?

He didn't wince as he walked up the steps, even though his legs felt as though they were going to come apart at the knees. He stopped in the door and let his eyes adjust, surveying the room. He spotted a table that was as good as any other and took a seat, waiting silently for the waitress, eyes staring at the table and nowhere else.

The waitress came over and smiled at Sam. "What can I get you, hon?" She asked, thinking he looked a little shell shocked. She had seen it in here before. His girlfriend had probably left him, or been found cheating , or he got sacked. She figured she would be pouring him into a taxi before the night was done.

"Tequila." He said. "Bring the bottle, keep the limes." He said putting a 20 on the table.

Definitely the girlfriend, she thought. "You sure you don't want something to eat with that?" She asked, he looked like someone that her mother would approve of if she hadn't met him in a bar, asking for a bottle of tequila.

"No." He said. "I'm not hungry." He didn't think it would stay down. His stomach was tied up in knots.

"Suit yourself sweetie, but don't say I didn't warn you." Yeah he was going to be draped over the table, crying in his cups before the night was out. Probably before he got more than three shots into that bottle of his.

Sam returned to staring at the table, not wanting to deal with anyone or anything. But he was too tired to continue on. The waitress was probably right, and he would need to eat, otherwise he wasn't going to get far after leaving this place. He was going to have to steal a car. He couldn't keep walking. He might not have a destination yet, but he would as soon as he had a heading on Lilith. With Azazel dead, the next on his list was Lilith. And anyone else that tried to take her place.

The waitress returned and Sam forced a smile. "Thanks, you know… I think I could use a little something to eat. "

She returned the smile. "What would you like?"

He shrugged. "Not much for decisions right now. Why don't you surprise me. Whatever you like best is fine."

He took the top off of the bottle and poured his first glass. He took out a journal very much like his father's and started writing in it. You couldn't draw sigils on a computer screen. A little hard to set up at every turn as well.

He wrote down all the relevant information on Lilith, putting in her sigil for summoning. He looked at the sigil, and the one he had p laced next to it, a binding sigil from the key of Solomon, then started making notes on the side, mathematical equations corresponding to certain Kabalistic traditions.

He looked up at the waitress as she brought over his food, and closed his book. "Thanks." He said wearily. "Smells good."

"Are you okay?" She couldn't help but ask. He just looked so haunted. His eyes were so much older than his features. So sad. The look that passed across his features momentarily was heart breaking, but it was gone as quickly as it had come.

"I will be." He said, knowing that anything else he said wouldn't be believed anyway. "Thanks for asking though."

The man waited until the waitress moved away, then strolled over to the table. Sat down uninvited, and put his boots on the table. Eyes hidden below a baseball cap worn low over his eyes, he snatched the journal and opened it up.

"It's not right." He said, his voice more of a quiet rumble than an actual quiet voice. "This won't hold her alone. You'll need to come up with more, boy, if you want to join the game in the big leagues. This ain't t-ball."

"Yeah, well I am working on it. These things take time. Unfortunately we don't have a lot so if you have any suggestions I am open to it. Cause the only Key of Solomon I have access to is on the internet and probably so full of holes you could use it for cheese cloth." He said bluntly. He was too numb to care that h e was talking to a pagan god. One that put every other one they had met to shame. He supposed he should be respectful but he had issues with gods right now. But then again... this one was here... and considering helping. He hoped. "I know Solomon used to bind entities. But I don't know where to begin looking for that ritual." He adjusted himself in his chair. "Can I get you anything?" He offered.

"A pencil." Pazuzu said. "And hot sake. You don't know what you're doin g, and you think that failing just means you lose your soul and your life. Yeah, that happens. But it's a seal all on its own if you fail. Are you ready? I don't have time for those that aren't. Or hesitate."

Sam handed over a pencil, and motioned for the waitress, and ordered the Sake. Strangely enough they had it.

"You're right. I don't know what I am doing, that's why I'm looking for those that do. I'm not going to hesitate. Ready? " He sighed. "No one is ever ready to face her. But I am going to. One way or another because I'm the one that has to do it. " He was even more determined than ever to do it. He had no other purpose in life just then. Not merely because of Dean abandoning him. Although that made it not matter one way or the other if he survived. He wanted to stop Armageddon. He didn't think the Angels were going to keep listening to Dean for too long. Uriel had a case of blood lust. Probably because he didn't think of humans in a favorable light.

Pazuzu glanced at Sam, a hint of dark red in his eyes nearly hidden by the cap. He wasn't foolish. He wasn't going to come into a hunters' den completely undisguised. He'd left the scorpions outside. He made a few quick strokes of his pencil over the drawing Sam had made.

"If you fail, Lilith will eat your soul. And use you to open another seal." He sighed. "I hate that bitch, really do. I would love to see her head on a plate. It takes more than one to go against her. You'll need a team. Gather it together and you have a shot." He said, handing the journal back, taking a long drink of sake.

Sam looked over the changes he had made and nodded. "Oh... I get it." He said looking at the changes. He looked up then. "You want to be part of that team?" He asked. He knew who he would rather have there but wasn't sure that was possible. Bobby might side with Dean entirely on t his whole abandon Sam kick. Not that he would want to but when two angels were staring you down threatening to send you to hell it makes it hard to resist.

"If I join, it would be at the last moment just to see her fall." Pazuzu said. "I am a god. I don't follow man, they follow me. Arrogant, yes? Earned, yes? The answer you want? No. But if it looks like you can pull this off, I would make an appearance. I would even be...helpful."

"That's all I ask." Sam said. "I can't contain her. I don't think anything devised by man alone can. But I believe that a combination of Solomon's seal, and your strength could do it. I know it's a lot to ask. I hope that you'll be able to help. " He said, looking over the additions to his work. "Any one you recommend going to for further information?" He asked. Knowledge was what he had to fight Lilith with. There was no way sending her to hell was going to be enough, and he didn't believe she could be destroyed. So she had to be contained. "I know someone who can make the vessel. I don't know if he will want to, but I think he will."

"I think at the end of the night you'll find you have all you need." Pazuzu said, swinging his legs off the table and standing up. "Just be careful who you trust. Actually, no one can be trusted. Incredibly lonely place to be, but that's where you are."

"Yeah I had that made plain today." He said, although not the way he thought. "Thank you." He knew this was an honor. A pagan god had come to see him. This time without intent of eating him. He had learned his lesson about expecting anyone to care that he knew it was an honor though. "I suppose you will know when the time is... or should I find a way to send word out again?"

"I'll know. And if it looks like you'll succeed, you'll see me." He said, laying out money for the sake and taking the bottle with him. "Keep watch. Nothing is as it appears. Nothing."

That he was starting to learn as well. But he nodded to Pazuzu and waited for the man to be gone before pouring himself another shot of tequila. By the end of the night? He had a maybe. It was a solid maybe but it was a maybe. Sam had his doubts but he wasn't going to let that stop him. But first things first. He had to get money for a hotel room. Dean would know what names he would use on credit cards and cell phones, so those were out for now. But there was one way he knew to make money that had no strings attached to be traced.

He took another shot, then walked over to the pool table "Hey... mind if I play?" He said.

"Grab a cue man." The guy said. And was soon out serious money. Even as he kept trying to get it back.

Sam didn't take his last 5 bucks, refusing to play anymore, and said good night. He gathered his gear and stepped out into the parking lot and surveyed the pickings. He looked at the cars and changed his mind, going instead for one of the many motorcycles parked outside. He was headed down the road, at break neck speed, only slowing down when he had reached a town that looked promisingly quiet.

He didn't stay in the roach haven rest that he normally would have. Instead he checked into an inexpensive pay by the week place, getting himself a kitchenette and cable TV for his trouble. He showered and shaved, before coming out and laying down on the only bed in the room, hating that feeling again. That all alone in the world nobody loves me, everybody hates me feeling that he really wished he could banish away to hell as easily as he did lesser demons these days.

So he turned on the TV, the back ground noise taking the edge off the loneliness as he began searching the internet again.

Ruby insistently banged on the door. She should just pick the lock and storm in. But if he'd laid down salt, she'd just make a fool of herself. That was his one big flaw, he knew how to keep her out. "Sam?" She said through the door. It had taken long enough to find him. A week, he disappeared off the grid. So had Dean too. But separately, she'd found that out at least.

Sam heard her voice, and strode to the door, opening it. He looked around before kicking aside the salt and pulling her inside. "What is it?" He asked as he closed the door. He hadn't really expected her to follow him. When Dean had abandoned him he pretty much figured he was alone in the world again. He didn't think it was possible for Ruby to really care about him. Demons didn't love. And if his brother who loved him more than his own life had left him... why would a demon stay?

"What is it? That's it?" Ruby demanded, smacking him on the chest. "You say you're going to check on Dean, next thing I know the motel is in flames, and neither of you can be found. By anyone." She said, noting the single bed in the room. "What happened?" She asked more gently.

The hard demeanor he had been working on for a week fell and Sam sat down on the bed and sighed. "Dean... left. Decided I was a liability and left without me." He said, sounding very much lost. He didn't say anything more on the subject. It was still an open wound. Always would be. Something like that just didn't heal.

Ruby sat down on the bed beside him. They were right back where they started, even if Dean left the first time under different circumstances. It hadn't been easy to pull Sam back from that. "I'm sorry." She said, because there was nothing else to say.

"Yeah, me too." He said. This time there wasn't even vengeance to be had. It was just... what it was. " I met with Pazuzu tonight." He said quietly, and described the encounter. "So... are you still on board for this?" He wasn't sure it was a good idea. "I don't want you at the battle but ... I could really use your help before then."

"Oh I'm in....and what do you mean you don't want me there?" She asked. "I want Lilith off the earth. I am so sick of that bitch, you have no idea. Do not tell me you've bought into appearances, yeah the body is little. Yeah, I like the body. But I'll put this one back on life support and go get a bigger one if I have to. I'm a freaking witch, Sam. I know more about spells and things than in any of your books. And you don't want me there. When you're going to need the most back up."

"She wants you dead, Ruby, or worse. She sent you to hell last time you met her and took your body. I don't want that to happen again. Next time she might finish the job." He told her without looking at her. "Right now... I can't lose you too."

"Sam....Sam, look at me." She said as she turned his face toward hers. She was in a little body, but the body still held a demon. "Okay." She said. "I won't be there. Just tell me what you need me to do besides being there." That's how she saved him before, by focusing him.

He sighed in relief. He didn't love Ruby. He knew that, but right now she was his anchor. He couldn't afford to be set adrift again. "I need a few things that aren't going to be easy to come by... and I need to put together a team to do it. People preferably because most demons won't be able to handle the rite. I'm going to summon and bind Lilith."

"What? Are you insane? Please, don't answer that." She said holding up her hand. "Okay, wow. This could go all sorts of wrong, you know that, right?" She got up and paced, running her hands through her long hair. "Wow. Okay. I have some connections in the occult world. Humans."

"Do you really think she can just be killed, Ruby?" He said in a calm voice. "S he was the second human ever created. She is immortal. Never cursed with mortality because she was already out of the garden when they were cast out. She had abilities even then. Now that she is a full blown demon on top of that? I don't think it can happen. I don't think hell could hold her if I managed to send her back."

"I know, I know." She said. "It could just go very wrong, that's all I'm saying. So when she's bound, where does she go then where she can't be found? Is there a place?"

"I'll make sure it gets into Dean's hands somehow. He can get it to the Angels. What they do with it is their problem. " He wasn't going to worry about it. They wouldn't want her released so it didn't matter. "Your connections, if they are willing, would be a great help. They can't have gotten their powers from demons though. You know why." He said. "The hard part is going to be getting my hands on that ritual. Parts of it are in the Keys of Solomon...but not all. Pieces were intentionally kept out."

"I'll find you a white coven." Ruby said with a sigh. If anyone asked her, it was a good thing Dean was gone. He had been holding Sam back, and was far too judgmental for his own good. And Sam's for that matter. So if Dean was whisked off by the halo boys, which was fine and dandy with her, as long as Sam made it through.

He nodded. "Okay. " He said. "I have a few connections I can look up. None of them will be happy to see me but right now it doesn't matter. I need that ritual... " He needed a lot of things not the least of which was to wake up and find that this week had been a dream and Dean was in the bathroom singing loudly to Metallica as it played in his head.

"What you need to do is sleep." She said, pushing him on his back. "I mean it. You look like shit. And you're planning on taking on Lilith of all demons like this? Sleep willingly or I'll hold you down until you do. The only way to get rid of me right now is to exorcise me, and we both know you won't do that right now." Right now, that was always the phrase with him. She was playing with fire and she didn't even care. "Right now, you need me." She said.

"I know." He said as he lay there staring at the ceiling. "But I don't know if I can." His dreams were disturbing, yet somehow empty and hollow. "Can you teach me to use the other powers I have as well? " He asked her. "The ones that we all had."

"I can try." She said. "Sam, you're getting really deep into it already. You wanted to stay off the radar to a degree. Taking on Lilith on this magnitude....not going to happen."

"I'm wearing the medallion all the time, breaking patterns, not using credit cards or cell phones... how much lower should I go? We don't have forever, you know. She only has sixty six seals to break."

"Less." Ruby reminded him . She knew of three that had been broken. And a few averted. "Sixty six out of six hundred. How do you like those odds?"

"I don't. That's why I want to do this. Summon her, bind her, and stop it once and for all." Sam said. Although he had to admit there was a degree of vengeance there as well. Even if Dean had cut his losses, he could do this much for him. For Lilith being contained by him, kept from completing her task, would be worse than death or hell. Eternity alone... he couldn't think of anything worse.

"She killed your brother in front of you. It's okay to want payback." She said. "We'll get you that pay back. And we can work on those abilities of yours." This made it a good thing that Dean wasn't around anymore. Dean distrusted those abilities, and even guilted Sam into not using them.

"It's going to take everything I have to pull this off. And once it's done... I don't know that either side is going to want to let me live." He looked at her then. "So... if you want to leave then, I understand. Just stay with me till it's done." She kept him together, focused and on target. He had a feeling that was why she slept with him. Not out of any emotional attachment. Demon after all.

When it was done, he was going to be dangerous to be around. On the radar in a big way. And if the ritual worked, even though it was straight from God's lips to Solomon's ears, the angels, Uriel especially, was going to be pissed at being used. Then of course there was Samael. His girlfriend was going to be bound for eternity. He wasn't going to like that at all. The demons following Lilith weren't going to like it.

Yeah that was a good time for all parties involved to stay the hell away from Sam Winchester.

"Maybe we could bury it in the salt flats out in Utah." He said. "Well I could anyway." Maybe Dean... or Bobby. He had to get those thoughts out of his head . There was never going to be any real contact with Dean ever again. That had been made clear.

"Maybe Bobby Singer." Ruby said. "I always liked him." Though he didn't trust her, and probably didn't like her, he kept the anti demon comments down to a faint rumble as she helped him rebuild the colt.

She wasn't, however, going anywhere. But now was not the time to convince Sam of that. He wouldn't believe it anyway. No matter how much he lit up the radar when this was all over, it had been far more dangerous to help him last year, before Dean died. She'd already paid for that, and survived.

Sam nodded and sat up again, he remembered something he had seen in the internet version of the keys of Solomon. "There is a way I think, to get the information I need. Not sure how it will work out, but I'm gonna try it." He couldn't sleep. He hadn't tried, but he knew it wouldn't work. Not yet. He had been here before. Twice. Only this time there was no one to blame but himself. Or Dean, and blaming Dean was something he couldn't bring himself to do.

"Sam, I was serious about holding you down until you slept." Ruby said with a sigh as she watched him log onto his lap top. "Okay, fine, what's the bright idea?"

He scanned down the pages to the ritual in question, the one for revealing secret information. "This is what I have in mind. And I can't sleep, Ruby... I just can't. Maybe once this is done, I don't know." He said as he turned the lap top for her to see.

She read it and nodded. "Shouldn't be too hard to pull off. You'll need a few things, do you have them?" She asked. "And I can make you tired enough to sleep you know."

He smiled a little in spite of himself. "I know you can. But not tonight. I have most of what I will need. I want to do this first, then you can pin me down all night if you want. " He wasn't in the right state of mind to have sex. It wouldn't be right. Just using her as a sedative wasn't something Sam was ready to do.

She rolled her eyes but had to chuckle. "I was talking more about herbs and stuff. Like belladonna, crap like that." She said. "You are SUCH a guy." She managed to tease him as she made a list of things the ritual would need. It was fairly simple, material wise.

Sam smiled. "At least something about me is normal." He said, as he pulled out what he had, that was on the list.

"You know if you don't stop them, this is a major seal. One that the churches of the world have been watching for millennia to see." Uriel said as Dean walked into the hotel room. "You can't afford to screw this one up. "

Dean threw his bag on the bed and set up the room. Too bad salt didn't keep angels out. "Wow, great pep talk. I'm glad we had this little moment. Now go." He said. Uriel was behind Sam's disappearance, he knew it. He just couldn't prove it. And unfortunately, right now he needed Uriel, so he'd use him for a while. Didn't mean he'd tolerate being spoken to like another mud monkey.

Everything was happening fast. Bobby hadn't heard from Sam. No one had heard from Sam. He'd just...disappeared. And that bothered Dean. Who knew what trouble the kid was getting into? He'd gone to hell for his brother, and right now he felt like he was back there.

" I don't think you are taking this seriously." He said. "You of all people can't afford to not take this seriously." Uriel hated having to deal with this creature. He was almost as bad as his brother. There wasn't a taint in his blood but he had sold his soul, the one thing divine in these creatures and he had cast it aside for what? To bring back an abomination. Now it walked around carrying with it the stench of hell. He did not question the Lord's choices. But he didn't have to like them.

"I'm taking this seriously." Dean said. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm working my ass off here. I've got a whole list of new scars and injuries to prove it. Everywhere you've sent me, I've gone and done the damn job. What more do you want from me? I know what's at stake, stop talking to me like I'm a freaking idiot. I'm doing YOUR job because the big bad angel can't handle it. And what am I getting in return? Insults, put down s and a missing brother."

"Did you think your escape from Hell would come for free?" Uriel said. "You act as though you are some holy warrior. The truth is, you do this because you don't want to go back. You made your choices, you haven't been cleansed of them. You mock us, you mock GOD in your anger. At least your brother didn't commit blasphemy. Probably the only sin he hasn't committed. He left of his own free will. No one forced him to do anything. He left you. Stop blaming others for his choices. And yours."

"My choices? Well, where was God when Azazel rounded up my brother and others? Where was God when Jake severed his spinal cord? Where was God when I was in a coma and my dad had deal with a demon for my life? Where was God that night in my brother's nursery? Where was God when my mother held my father's dead body in her arms? Huh? Where is God now?"

"GOD is keeping you alive, but telling me no. God ordered you retrieved from a hell you chose for yourself. No one made those women agree to Azazel's offer. They made their deals just as you and your father did. Your mother could have accepted your father's death and moved on, your father could have accepted yours and you could have accepted Sam's. People die every day, and other people who know less about how dark it can be, deal with it. They grieve and move on with their life. God isn't here to give you what you want in life. He isn't your own personal body guard or Santa Claus. God is GOD he is the almighty, the creator of all things. He is there to be worshipped you ... creatures... were created to worship and commune with him but all you do is break his heart. Until you need something. Then you are down on your knees begging for all you are worth, and blaming him for your own foolishness when the answer is no. " He said stepping closer to Dean, anger in his dark eyes. "You rant and rail at me and I have to take it. But you do not speak of The Father ... MY Father... in this manner again. That I will not tolerate."

"Or you'll do what?" Dean asked, with a smirk. "Kill me? That's against your orders, remember? Your god wants me alive. Your god. Not mine. Every choice I've made it's because I want my family. But at the end of the day, because God has a job for me to do, I don't have one. I'm not a stupid man, mud monkey or not. You were behind Sam's leaving; so you've just cost me the one thing on this earth I would willingly die for. Or hell, live for. I'm doing the job the best I can, but do not speak of a benevolent god who only wants me to love him. I've never prayed for his help, I've never asked for his help, because I know he won't give it, and I don't like to waste time. Now I'm going to save this freaking planet, and I'm going to save mankind. Because that's my job, and saving people is something I've been doing for a long time, God ordered or not. I've been fighting against demons my whole life." He said as he started to load his guns. "And before you forget, it was ME that killed a fallen archangel. Plain old mud monkey Dean."

"And why do you think that is, Dean?" Uriel asked. "Because there is something special about you? Please, we all know what you think of yourself. Why you really sacrificed yourself for your brother. Your father did it so that he wouldn't have to be the one to kill Samuel when the time comes. Figured he could better leave that job to you. You? You did it because you figure Sam is better than you and more deserving of life. Because you figure you deserved hell anyway. Greater love? No... just plain old self loathing." He told him. "You killed Azazel because Samuel Colt made a weapon that could do it for you. Because your father's spirit survived a year of hell, and pulled him off of you long enough for you to get the weapon and kill him." H e said and looked Dean over. "Don't feel too proud. You are nothing but a loaded weapon pointed in the right direction." Then he was gone.

"Yeah, I know." Dean said to empty air. "Daddy's blunt instrument. Well, you know what? I'm done. I'm freaking done." He said as he tossed his guns back into the bag and walked out, slamming the door behind him, heading to a bar. That's where all self loathing bastards went.

"Ouch... I a m betting you aren't here for the beer today." The bartender said. "I'd ask what her name was but not sure it matters." He looked Dean over. "Tequila or bourbon?" This was going to be one of those days, if the hard cases were coming in this early in the night.

"You're right. It doesn't matter. I'm just a bastard who hates himself and is on strike." He said and chuckled. "Tequila please." He said. It was one of those nights already. Bad enough he couldn't sleep, and was drinking far more than he should already. But it wasn't even happy hour and he was hitting the tequila. Definitely not holy warrior material. What was God thinking putting him in charge? Well, he was done. He was pretty much going to go to hell when it was all over anyway, might as well let hell come to him. Saved him the bus fare.

"It really is a rough night then." He said and poured a shot. "You want to just buy the bottle?" He asked. This was a bar fight waiting to happen. Yep it was going to be a rough night. He just hoped it didn't end with a lot of broken glass that was gonna come out of his paycheck, because he sold this guy a bottle. But he looked like he needed a case to chase away whatever was perched on his shoulder right now.

"How about two?" Dean said with a hint of a grin. He saw the bartender's look. "I'll take them over in that corner, see if I can stay out of any fights tonight." No matter how badly he wanted to get into one. He felt better when he was hurt, as if he were human and mattered. He took the bottles, left the shot glasses and retreated to a dark corner. Drinking straight from the bottle, he couldn't believe everything had ended up like this. Why should he even try anymore?

Castiel settled into the seat across from him and looked at him silently for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to smooth this over. He knew the guilt button would work if pressed at the right time. But sitting in a bar wasn't the place to do it. It was too easy to imagine the sins of the others because humans had a strange view of sin. They always had. It's a shame they didn't listen more closely.

Dean was halfway through the bottle. He had had a high tolerance before hell. It just got higher after. Along with his pain tolerance. But he put the bottle down and stared back at Castiel for a long moment. "Go. Away." He said, picking the bottle back up. This was the guy, angel, who got him into this whole mess. He could still feel the mark on his shoulder. He didn't ask to be taken out of hell, Uriel was right, he'd gone there willingly. It was a sadistic place, but he was prepared to stay there. Instead he got roped into a holy war that so far had cost him everything. Sobriety, peace of mind, his brother. The ability to sleep at night.

"I can't do that." He said quietly, tiredly. "Uriel... forgets that you don't truly understand. " Castiel said. "Under the circumstances, he is allowed to be ... surly." Even Castiel had difficulty with it most days, but he didn't have an archangel's temperament. Or an archangel's weight of responsibility. He was a guardian. He had been watching over the Winchesters their entire lives. Unable to interfere, more than a spark of inspiration here, a serendipitous find there. He had been charged to keep them alive, if possible, but never to interfere. He had become familiar with them. He knew them. Uriel did not.

"Well, I'm allowed to be surly too. And I don't give a fuck if he understands. I don't care if I understand. I'm done. Find another mud monkey to be your bitch. I'm out." Dean said as he took another long pull from the bottle. "I mean it, so leave."

He sighed then. Long and slow. A disappointed sigh. "No... If you are done, you should leave. Because one of us must stop the seal from opening. If not you... then we must eliminate the problem." He told Dean, knowing he understood what he was referring to. "You aren't the only one to lose a brother, Dean. I do understand what you are feeling. As does Uriel."

"Why should I leave?" Dean said. "Go ahead and destroy the town. It's all going to end anyway. Because your god, father, whatever, decided to give Lucifer a time out instead of eliminating the problem then. But I' m supposed to smile and go along with the plan, though no one's ever shown my family that much mercy. I told you from the start you had the wrong guy. You should have believed me. Uriel couldn't kill his brother, but if it comes down to it, I'm supposed to kill mine without a blink? Isn't that a little too much to ask? Sam's gone. I don't know where he is. I can't keep the kid safe, no matter how many seals I stop from breaking."

"No one is asking you to kill Sam." Castiel said. "We killed our brothers ... in the war... because there was no choice. A war that was started because the god you don't believe loves you, in fact does. The war in heaven was started over your race. The books like to say that Lucifer wanted to place himself above our Father. No... He put himself above your people." He said honestly. "We killed... and were killed by our brothers for your sake. " He told him, even though he thought it should be obvious. "Azazel was one of our best. One of the brightest lights in heaven. Then he wasn't. In an instant the choice was made, lines were drawn and he wasn't at our side any longer. But he was our brother. Even the moment he was destroyed he was our brother." He hoped what he was saying wasn't falling on deaf ears. "You speak of your family and what you have lost for our sake. Remember that we have lost as much for you. Like you, we resent the loss. And like you, we have work to do no matter the pain it causes. " He rose then. "I don't know where Samuel is. But I do know that he hasn't lost his way. " He said. "There is still hope for Samuel... don't fail him by giving up now. "

"I'm nothing but a loaded weapon pointed in the right direction, remember?" Dean said. "I've busted my ass for you guys, and all I get is told I'm basically nothing. Just a waste of flesh really. Why'd you pull me out of hell? Why me? Someone else would have been better for this than me; I don't think I have anything left to give."

"Uriel speaks in anger. Do you think it was just Lucifer's faction that resented your place in our Father's heart? Many of the archangels resented it. Resented it even more once the war began. The difference being they didn't let their bitterness drive them from our Father. Uriel resents that we must depend on you. But the fact is...it was always meant to be you, Dean. I know that isn't fair, and it may not seem right. But it is. You are the one. No matter how much you fight it. No matter how hard you drink and whore yourself, it won't change the fact that you are a good man. You are the one that must do this. Because no one else can."

"Oh, no pressure there, Dean. Buck up little soldier, and keep your powder dry." Dean said as he finished bottle and opened the second one. "The sun will come out tomorrow, it's only a day away. The night is darkest before the dawn, don't lose your head, am I forgetting anything? I sold my soul to hell. When I die, I know I'm going back. And my brother probably won't even give two shits. Maybe not even one. So I'm supposed to do this because it's some pre ordained plan? What happened to free will?"

"You are exercising it right now. You have the choice to walk away. I can't stop you. Not even God can stop you. I have hope that you will not forsake the world because of an argument with Uriel. Or even because Sam chose another path. Do you love him any less because of that? Is this because you want to punish him? Go back to hell and maybe it will... do what? Hurt his feelings?"

"Leave Sammy out of this." Dean said. "I'm just tired. I'm tired of always having to be the one. Dean, watch after your brother. Dean, watch out for your brother," he now knew the difference in what his father meant, "Dean, save your brother or kill him. Dean, one year or Sam's dead. Dean, save the world or stand back and watch it end. All the choices are horrible, how is that free will? Save the world and at least everyone else is happy, or let it end and everyone's miserable. Or dead. How is that a valid choice?"

"They are the only choices there are. Free will doesn't mean all the choices will be pleasant ones " Castiel said. "Doesn't mean that you have any choices that won't cost you something. It just means you are allowed to choose." He stated. "One thing you will not be allowed to choose is to suicide here at our hands. Uriel will take you out of this town if he must. As I said... you are the only one that can stop Armageddon. Just as Sam is the only one that can stop Lilith."

Dean looked at Castiel. "Perfect." He said. He could track Sam that way. Make all sides happy. At least the sides that counted. "Come on, I've got a seal to keep, well, sealed."

Castiel nodded and go t up, fading from view. He found Uriel and took his place beside him.

"Don't start." Uriel said, still scowling, still angry.

"He was chosen. Nothing beyond that matters. Not his brother, not his attitude, not your pain. He is chosen of God, and we don't have time for another whale. "

"A whale might show him some respect. How can he be chosen of God if he doesn't even believe?" Uriel asked. "I understand God loves the m above all others, but some just don't deserve it."

"He chose the one that could get the job done. Those who love him the most in this era would never do what needs to be done. It is important that we don't lose them. Both of them, Uriel. "

"You've become attached." Uriel scoffed. "Guardian angels. Think you know everything. Your view is centered only on the Winchesters. I have to see the forest for the trees, you forget. Sam Winchester is not my concern. He shouldn't b e yours, either. He's chosen the stain over all others. To use his demon abilities even when explicitly told not to. His brother went to hell because of him. He's a liability."

"He is with the demoness because you drove him away, Uriel. You lied. Not directly but by omission and implication. I know all that I need to know. When I need to know more it will be revealed to me. I have not been relieved of my duties. I am still his guardian as well as Dean's. I could not stop you, and I will not reveal what was done. Better there be doubt in Dean's mind than to know the truth. Do not let your hatred of mankind, overshadow why we are here, and what we are here to do."