AN: Thanks a million to lulabelle98 (Twitter: lulabelle98) for beta-ing. Go check out her drabble, it's amazing!
Thanks also to My_R Cullen (Twitter: Mira18ish) for pre-reading :)
I do not own these characters. Stephenie Meyer owns everything.
I own nothing but the story line. No copyright infringement intended.
Does it ever get any better?
Or will I feel this way the rest of my life?
I just can't get it together,
Now and then I'm losing my mind..
All My Life - Krezip
Chapter 2 - All My Life.
I can't sleep tonight and for once it's not because I'm crying or dodging the usual nightmares. It's because I'm cold.
~LLWD~
We're sitting at the small white table in the middle of the kitchen. Charlie is reading the paper while I'm sipping coffee and picking at my bowl of cornflakes. My brown hair is knotted and matted, tied into a scruffy ponytail that leaves the disarray draping down my upper back. My eyes are heavy, full of sleep, and have a bag the size of Jupiter hanging underneath them. I look hideous, and the four hours of sleep I managed to get last night is the reason why. Even if I did wear make-up, I don't think any orange paste would be able to cover up this mess. I'm wearing a grey hoodie, some old sweatpants and a pair of thick socks. I look like a hobo and I probably smell like garbage at this point, but I don't give a crap.
We haven't spoken. The silence is almost deafening and all I can do is look around the room, peering at the different appliances over and over again. Charlie continues to read his paper though I haven't heard him turn the page in almost five minutes.
I down the remains of my coffee before standing up and heading toward the counter where I make myself another cup. Caffeine is the only thing that is keeping my eyes from closing.
"You mind if we go round Billy's this afternoon?" Charlie asks without looking up from his paper. He's pretending to read, but it's clear that he's just waiting for me to answer. "Or I can cancel. Billy won't mind." He flips the page over and begins to read again though his eyes don't look as though they're moving.
"I'd like to see Jake," I confess as I take a sip of my burning hot coffee.
Can you get high on caffeine?
Charlie looks up as though he doesn't believe me. His eyes and words admit to his disbelief. "Really?"
I nod, scooping up some cornflakes onto my spoon and eating them.
"Okay..." Charlie says quietly. "I said we'll be there for one. Can you be ready by then?" His eyes rake over my clothes and my face, obviously noticing the complete chaos that is Bella Swan in her morning madness.
I smile, but I'm tired and it comes out as more of a smirk rather than a reassurance. "Sure."
He laughs under his breath. "Bells, you look terrible." Way to put it blunt Charlie. Thanks. "How much sleep did you get?"
Nowhere near as much as I need.
"Enough," I lie, shrugging. "Travelling just wears me out."
He nods in understanding and thankfully doesn't question my answer. I can't complain about the weather on my first day here.
I wash my bowl and place it on the drying rack. Charlie leaves the kitchen soon after telling me he's going to shower, and I'm back to sitting down at the table drinking my cup of magic eye lifter.
~LLWD~
Their house is like ours but darker and a different shape. The resemblance is still there though; the wooden panels, the front lawn and the driveway. Our houses are around thirty yards apart from each other, which means we're far enough away to have our own space, but still close enough to still be called neighbors.
Charlie walks up Billy and Jake's drive and I follow closely behind. The front door swings open and a man in a wheelchair sits under the threshold with a large grin planted on his face. Billy. He has long black hair that hangs around his shoulders. His eyes look black as well, but they sparkle in the light which makes them seem softer.
We walk up the porch steps. Charlie has a smile on his face that mirrors Billy's. They both sort of look like long-lost brothers.
"Billy!" Charlie says, virtually out of breath as he reaches the front door. I'm standing right behind him, feeling out of place and lost.
Charlie bends down and hugs him, patting him on the back as Billy returns the gesture. "Billy, this is my girl," Charlie says, stepping out of the way and signaling toward me. "Bells, this is Billy, one of my best friends."
Billy smiles at me and I attempt to smile back. He holds out a hand and I gently shake it.
"Nice to meet you."
"You too Bella," he says as Charlie steps around him and wheels him inside of the house. "Jacob is in the room on the left. He's watching the football." He smiles and disappears into the lounge with Charlie, leaving me standing alone outside in the freezing cold.
I walk inside, closing the door quietly behind me, and make my way over to the room Jacob is apparently in. I knock gently on the door. No response comes back except the muffled noises of the TV. I push the door open and sure enough the TV is on way too loud, playing a football game.
Jacob is sitting on the brown couch. He's facing away from me and hunched forward with his elbows resting on his knees. He's wearing a white wife beater, which seems a little unwise considering the weather outside, but it shows the ripples of muscle that coat his upper back and shoulders. I haven't even seen his face and the large boy in front of me already intimidates me. He doesn't look at me or greet me. His eyes never leave the screen where men in dark blue shirts chase each other around. His full concentration is on the game in front of him.
"Come on!" Jacob jumps up quickly, as though experiencing an electric shock. But of course his sudden movement has something to do with the game, seeing as he's shouting and punching the air. "Yes, Bears!" he yells in victory as loud cheers sound out from the TV speakers. On the screen large, men jump on top of each other's backs with beaming smiles. It seems completely ridiculous, reminding me of how much I hate sport. Jacob turns around to pick up a bottle of beer when he suddenly freezes.
Shit. I'm still here.
He looks up from the corner of his eye. The pair of us probably look like a deer in the headlights, or like a five-year-old boy who has just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I feel the heat rise to my cheeks as I realize I've just been standing here watching him for the past few minutes. He stands up straight, smiling sheepishly and turns the volume on the TV down.
"You're Bella, right?"
I nod silently, feeling embarrassed. "Yeah, and you're Jacob?"
He nods back with a large toothy grin. His teeth are so white, the complete opposite of his tan body."Call me Jake… I'm sorry, I didn't see you there. Football kind of gets me in a trance." He laughs, waving me over toward the couch and signaling for me to sit down. I do so as he sits down on the opposite side of the couch to me, lounging against the armrest.
"So how are you enjoying Forks? Must be completely different to Phoenix, eh?"
"It's definitely different." I chuckle under my breath. "The weather for one is a big change. I can't remember it ever being this cold." I shiver involuntarily at the absence of the hot sun. "And it's quieter here. Maybe I was just too young at the time to realize how deserted this town really is, but compared to Phoenix this is like a single strand of grass in a massive field."
He laughs and I can't help but smile at him. "I guess you don't like the rain, huh?"
I shake my head, wincing at the thought of liking the rain. It's cold, wet and makes everything look miserable. The only thing good about it is that no one would be able to tell if you were crying.
He smirks at me while I grimace. "You get used to it." He shrugs, pointing out the lack of clothes covering him up. He picks up his bottle of beer and chugs it down, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he does so. "You want a drink?"
"Water please." I nod with a soft smile.
He gets up and walks out of the room. I'm left alone.
The room feels warm and bright despite the fact that the windows contradict that exact thought. Outside the rain is pelting down. The sky looks dark grey and the trees over the road are swaying to one side. But the room feels homely. It almost makes you forget the outside world.
The TV is still playing lightly in the background; I almost forgot it was still on. It's now changed to something different. I don't have the enthusiasm to look, and sport has never gained any of my attention.
I stay sitting on the couch, looking around the room at the light yellow painted walls and the photos hanging up. One catches my eye, and without even realizing it I'm already up and inspecting it.
There's a man with long hair and a big grin, just likes Jacob's earlier. His white teeth stand out against his tanned face, and his dark eyes are focusing on the woman in front of him. They're both sitting next to each other on some steps. I assume they're the front porch steps outside of the house. She has long hair too, but wavier and lighter. She has creases on her forehead and beside her smile, almost making her look old and frail, but happy nonetheless.
There's also a boy. He looks so young and care free, sitting in front of his parents. He has short brown hair that's spiked up slightly. I'm not sure whether it's from gel or just plain bed-hair, but it's cute either way. His eyes shine in the sun, which seems unbelievable as it looks to me as if this photo was taken in Forks. He has a small smile on his face, looking away from the camera and at something in the distance.
It's the photo of a happy family; just the fact that they're all wearing smiles shows exactly that. My insides churn as I realize that Jacob has lost that happy family he once had. He's lost that picture and that moment to go with it. He can never get it back. He can never get her back.
"That was uh… taken in the summer of '98."
I swing around at the sound of Jacob's voice. He's standing in the doorway watching me with a sad smile, a glass of water in his hand and lost puppy eyes. I look toward the photo and back at him again, returning the same sad smile that is plastered on his face.
"Do you miss her?" I ask in the quietest voice.
He doesn't want to talk about her. Of course he misses her, I tell myself.
He smiles awkwardly. This is probably a subject I shouldn't have touched on quite so soon. He scratches the back of his neck as he nods. "Every day."
I take one last glance at the photo before walking over to the couch and sitting down, trying my best to change the subject of the conversation. He sits next to me and hands me the glass. Thankfully the bubbly, joyful expression on his face has reappeared.
"So, you looking forward to school tomorrow?" He smirks as though he already knows the answer.
I laugh out loud. "Oh yeah, can't wait to join a school in the middle of the semester, covered with green stuff and rain." I shudder at the thought.
He grins again as though he finds my dilemma amusing. I scowl in return.
"Aw come on, it's not that bad."
I rub my fists over my eyes trying to find the easy way out. Instead I just shrug in response.
His smile drops a bit, as though he really does feel for me. "I'll look out for you, I promise."
"I'm pretty sure you can't just stop the whole school from mocking me." I sigh, pulling my legs up to my chest and resting my chin on my knee. I look around the room and can almost feel Jacob's stare locked on me.
"How many people were at your old school?" he asks.
"Two or three thousand maybe?"
He smirks but doesn't look surprised. "And who were the popular ones? Who owned the hallways at lunch?"
Well that's an easy question. "The jocks, the cheerleaders any one who had money, fashion sense or confidence. You get the picture," I mumble just loud enough so he can hear.
"Okay," he says, a small smile playing on his lips. "Do you know how many people go to Forks High?" he asks.
I shake my head, waiting for him to tell me.
"Around four to five hundred." He shrugs as though it's common knowledge, but I'm pretty sure that he knows exactly what he's doing.
I sit gawping at him.
Around 400 to 500 people? You have got to be kidding me.
The back of my neck tickles as the fear runs through me. "Wow… that's barely anyone," I say in a voice that undoubtedly sounds like a mixture of scared shitless and shock.
He nods. "Yep. But like I said, I'll look out for you and make sure you don't get bombarded tomorrow. It's a pretty rare occurrence when new people join, especially half way through a semester." He laughs and I think this time he's trying to make it sound a little better. But it just sounds even worse.
They are all going to talk about me the moment I step through the entrance. They are going to laugh and gossip, throw things at me and interrupt my lessons. It's going to be a disaster and I already hate it.
Is it too late to be homeschooled?
"Jake, like I said earlier… even if the school is only-" I take a deep breath, still trying to come to terms with what sounds like an almost deserted school "-four or five hundred people, that's still way too many teenagers for a guy like you to take on. Plus, I don't want you to feel as though you have to be keeping an eye on me the whole time." I shrug.
He shifts on the sofa so he's facing me directly. He lifts his knees up so he's mirroring my position and our toes are less than an inch apart. But I'm not concentrating on that. I'm concentrating on the look on his face, the smile that has disappeared and is now just a serious line of red lips.
He's going to say something, something deep, and it's going to totally ruin the chagrined mood I worked myself into. I can see it in his eyes; that look where he's put all the joking aside and we're down to serious business. Personally it scares the hell out of me, but I knew it was just waiting to happen.
"I don't want to make you feel as though I'm going to baby you, because I'm not doing that. But there are some things I have to tell you," he states clearly. "Last year when my mom died, my whole family was torn apart. Dad was already in his chair and it was all just completely crumbling. But your dad was like some superman or something to us. He was there the whole time, helping my dad and I get back into some sort of routine." He breathes in, thinking about what he's about to say."I owe Charlie a lot. He helped us because he knew what it was like when you lose someone you love so dearly. He lost you and Riley, and he's so lucky and grateful to have you back in his arms, back in his life."
He watches as a stray tear slips down my cheek caused by his words. "I owe him and he needs his little girl, so I'm going to try and make sure she doesn't want to run back home."
He smiles but my whole body freezes. He thinks I would want to go home?
"I uh… I never want to… uh, go back there," I stutter, tears on the edge of my eye. They're about to fall.
They do.
He turns around and grabs a box of tissues, handing them to me. His expression turns sad but there is still shock in his eyes, as though he doesn't know why the hell I'm crying. I just don't want to go back.
"No one is saying you have to. I meant to say that I'm going to try and make sure you're comfortable at school," he tries to reassure me. But it's not convincing and it isn't making me feel any better.
"I've felt it too, you know? Pain. I know what its like." He breathes out quietly. "You don't have to hide it from me, Bella. You don't have to pretend to be so strong and perfect. There's no shame in it."
And with that, I turn into a crumbling mess. I can't stop the tears from racing down my face. I can't stop the bubbles in my chest that are making me choke up. I'm using up all the tissues, wiping them around my nose and eyes. I cough and sniff as I try to gain control of myself. I don't even have to look in a mirror to know that I look disgusting.
This is so embarrassing. There's no way he's going to want to even pretend to know me at school.
Bella, come on.You have no reason to cry, I tell myself, but I can't even believe my own thoughts. That's just how messed up I am.
It all happens so quickly. One minute we're on opposite sides of the couch – me in tears and him watching me – and then suddenly, he leans forward, and his large muscled arms are open waiting to engulf me. Automatically, my frail body recoils, half expecting to receive a blow just like I used to get in Phoenix. He drops his arms, accepting the fact that I don't feel comfortable with being touched, and goes back to watching me instead.
It should feel awkward. It should feel more embarrassing than it did a minute ago, but it doesn't. It's just pain. I should be used to it. It's never usually like this, crying in front of someone I mean. Normally it's a few tears when I'm alone.
I hate crying. So why am I?
Or maybe bawling is a better word. Man, I'm weak.
My chest thumps hard and loud. I look up at his face and through my blurry vision. I can see his own hurt plastered on his face. We are both a mess.
This time last week, one person actually cared. One person actually made me feel a tiny bit like I was worth something… and now I almost have this guard around me, trying to protect me. It's confusing and was easier, maybe not safer or healthier, but much easier to live when I had no one to explain stuff too. It was easier to go day by day without anyone noticing me, let alone comfort me.
I hated being ignored, sure. I hated having to walk through every day and not have any one say a word to me. I used to find that hurtful. But its effects on me are nothing compared to being the center of attention, and that's what I'm most scared about. How am I meant to live through tomorrow and the rest of the semester until someone new comes along? Sure, Jacob says he has my back, but he can't watch me 24/7. And I'm seventeen now. I'm not that little seven-year-old anymore.I have to grow up rather than be weak and cry in front of people. But right now, that's all I need; someone to listen and wait while I cry myself out.
Someone who understands… and I think he does.
~LLWD~
"You're not a vegetarian, are you?"
The tears from earlier have all dried up. There's nothing left except that little part of my brain telling me not to ignore what happened and to talk about it instead. But what do you do when you feel down and depressed? Eat.
Duh.
So that's why we're in the supermarket, shopping for food. Jacob is pushing the cart down the first aisle while I walk beside him scanning through all the goods stacked on shelves.
I laugh at his question. "Jake, I'm Charlie's daughter. I think he'd like disown me or something if I told him I was a vegetarian."
He laughs right back. All of the earlier tension has been sealed and locked away waiting for later discussion.
"Phew, I mean I'm sorry, but I couldn't hang around with you if you were," he says casually. I look up at him, raising an eyebrow along with an amused smile. "My friends would murder me if they knew I was hanging around with a… a bean-eater." His expression make him look completely serious, and with that, plus what he has just said, I can't help but laugh.
Some other customers start staring at me while they explore the rest of the aisle. But all I can do is laugh. Jacob stops and waits for me to catch my breath as I have doubled over in the middle of the aisle. I look up and he's chuckling silently at the sight in front of him.
"What's so funny?" he asks, smirking.
"You… your face… what you just said," I say as my giggles finally settle down. He smiles lightly even though I've probably just made him look crazy in front of these people.
We walk down all the other aisles, grabbing whatever looks good and dropping it into the cart. We're walking around and chatting about normal things, like normal people do. And it's weird because I haven't had a conversation like this in years. Except with Alice. That girl always seems to be the 'exception'.
There's lots of junk food filling up the cart, and so I chuck some packets of vegetables in there too. Jacob grabs some cokes and root beer. I hate them, but I nod when he asks if he should buy them. Our cart is almost half full of stuff we don't particularly need but want instead.
We make our way to the checkout soon after. Jacob picks up a bar of chocolate off the candy shelf and places it in the cart. He tells me to get myself one. I don't want to look rude so I grab a bar too. He looks at the magazines next to us so thankfully he doesn't realize that I picked the same bar as him; taking the easy way out. I don't eat chocolate. But he'll ask questions if I tell him that, so I keep my mouth shut.
We wait in line for the checkout counter behind an old lady who is placing the last of her groceries onto the belt. I try to stifle a yawn. Its mid-afternoon and I already feel as though it's hours past my bedtime.
"Jacob!" a voice calls out behind us. We both turn toward the direction of the voice and Jacob's face visibly lights up.
A tall, blonde haired man walks toward us holding a basket full of shopping. He's wearing a black suit and shiny shoes, looking smart and professional.
"How are you doing, Jake?" the man says as he reaches us. He leans forward and pats Jake on the back in a manly hug.
"Hey! I'm good Carlisle, you?"
"I'm good too, thank you… and who's this pretty girl?" he asks, winking at Jacob with a playful smile. Jacob chuckles quietly as I feel the heat rise up to my cheeks.
"This is Bella, Chief Swan's daughter. The town's new arrival," Jacob announces as I feel a shudder rip through me. Ugh, I hate attention. "And this is Doctor Carlisle Cullen; he treated my mom in her final few weeks," he says, gesturing between us both. He looks almost proud of Carlisle.
We both smile at each other and he holds a hand out to me. I shake it. "Nice to meet you, Doctor Cullen," I say quietly, a shy smile forming on my face. He replies the same greeting back to me and looks back at Jacob.
"So, how's your ballgame going?"
"It's good. Another game next week. We've got some pretty strong players this season," Jacob says while nodding.
Jacob plays ball? Shit. Does that mean he's one of the jocks at school? One of the popular guys?
"You play ball?" I ask interrupting their conversation.
He nods at me. "Yeah, basketball, and I'm captain." He grins and both of them look so proud.
I should be proud of him. But he's captain on a varsity team. I'm not one of his 'gang'. He says he'll look out for me, but he hasn't realized that it was guys like him who made my life hell in Phoenix.
"Oh, I didn't know. Congrats," I mumble as I attempt a smile. It's fake, but I don't think either of them can tell. I turn away and focus on placing our items onto the conveyor belt.
If Carlisle had darker hair and Jacob wasn't so tan, it would be hard to distinguish if they were related or not. They have what look like such a father-son relationship. They seem comfortable. I feel in the way.
The fact that Carlisle is the doctor of this small town doesn't skip my attention. He is the one I should be avoiding. If anyone can break me down it'll be him. If I let alone trip and end up in the ER, he will be the one to see the cuts and the bruises. He'll be the one to ring my dad, but I'll be the one that has to explain. Those marks, they're my marks, my private marks that only I should get to see or feel. They're my pain; not his, not Jacob's, and definitely not my father's.
The lady in front has finished packing her shopping bags and leaves. I take the job of packing the bags on the other side while Jacob and Carlisle have a conversation between themselves. I just hope, for God's sake, that Jacob doesn't say anything about earlier. I'm pretty sure he won't, but the anxiety is still there.
"That'll be a total of forty three dollars and fifty cents," the check out girl says. She looks way too bored and tired to be here.
Jacob pays and we say a quick farewell to Carlisle. He waves to me too and I smile back, before looking at the floor and pushing the trolley toward the exit. I'm not trying to be impolite, but my nerves are all over the place and I just have to get out of here. I have to get some alone time. I need to think and the supermarket isn't really the place for that.
~LLWD~
"So is he hot?" Alice asks in her usual bubbly voice. It's been less than an hour since we left Jacob and Billy's house, and already Alice has called me to try and get some new gossip.
I laugh and roll my eyes even though I know she can't see me. "He's alright I guess, but not my type."
"What is your type?"
What is my type? I ask myself.
I don't have the faintest idea. I've never even been kissed by a guy, let alone have any sort of relationship with one. Jacob was one of the few boys I knew growing up and ever since I had moved to Phoenix, boys were just foreign objects that bullied me most of the time. Alice and I never really have the 'average teenage girl' conversations. We rarely speak about boys or sex. I was too scared to think, let alone say, if I thought they were good looking or not. Most of the time, if they caught me looking at them, I would get a 'why the fuck is that freak staring at me' look returned to me. In my world it is better to just stay invisible rather than be embarrassed.
Alice of course, is much more girly and feminine than me. She isn't like the cheerleaders with a second skin of make-up, but she definitely isn't completely oblivious to the way she looks. I never really care much about looks, but Alice does. She likes boys way more than I do.
I haven't really thought about boys a lot. So why does her question feel so loaded? Why, out of everything she has already asked, is this the question that makes me really think?
"I don't know, Alice. I'd rather just concentrate on my work rather than boys." I sigh down the phone.
"That's a load of crap and you know it Bella." She scoffs loudly. Since when has she been this interested in boys? "Come on, you're the new girl at school, no one knows about you or your past. You can start fresh and be the new topic of the school for a few weeks. It's almost every girl's dream. You'll be like fresh meat, they'll all want you. Plus, you're naturally beautiful, so you'll have boys all over you if you just have the confidence to speak to them."
"Well maybe that's the problem," I whisper as I sink further into the bed.
"What is?"
"I don't have any confidence."
That seems to silence her. I fiddle with the ends of my hair as I wait for her to speak again. I can almost hearher breathing as she thinks.
"Alice, forget about it. I doubt it's going to be much different than Phoenix anyway." I sigh.
"Well let's hope not," she says hopefully. "Hell, if it is good, maybe I could convince my parents to move up there too!"
I laugh at her childish, hopeful voice. "Al, you hate the rain."
"Oh yeah." Her voice drops dramatically as she remembers. "But so do you, and you're still up there."
"It's a completely different situation." I laugh at how blonde she sounds. What's wrong with her today?
"Sorry, I'm tired. Can't think straight," she mumbles. I can hear her yawn on the other end of the line and it makes me yawn too. I need to get some proper sleep. "So are you missing the sun?" she asks.
"Hell yes. I think I'm getting withdrawal symptoms."
Out of the gap in my curtains, I can see the rain pouring down in streaks. I can hear it above me on the roof. No chance of a goodnight's sleep I guess.
"Oh, well the weather is lovely here," Alice chirps brightly.
"Thanks for making me feel better, Al," I mumble sarcastically.
"Sorry," she says before yawning again. "Anyway, I better go to sleep. I'm way too ink-o-her-rent to speak right now."
Poor girl can't even pronounce her words right. And I thought Iwas the tired one.
"It's incoherent," I say trying to stifle my laugh.
"I told you I was tired. Night Bells," she mutters quietly. "Good luck tomorrow. Text me!"
"I will, and have fun at school without me. Night," I reply.
She doesn't answer me back but the line doesn't cut off. I can only guess that she's already fallen asleep. I press the end call button and place the phone on the bed side table. I get up and brush my teeth in the bathroom next door. I can hear the TV on downstairs and I presume Charlie is down there watching it.
"Night Charlie!" I yell from the top of the stairs. I hear him shout the same back to me, and so I go back to my room and snuggle under my covers.
There is an alarm set for 5 a.m. I hate waking up early for school on my first day, but it'd be worse if I had to turn up late and watch everyone stare at me.
I snuggle into one pillow and pull the other one over my head, trying to block out the noise of the rain above me.
I toss and turn, trying to relax. It doesn't work of course. The rain and the worries about tomorrow bring a new wave of insomnia.
I hear Charlie heading to his room around eleven. I'm still awake, my eyes are shut but I'm still very much conscious. The clock on the opposite wall of my room ticks by. It seems louder and louder the longer I listen to it. The rain is still heavily pelting against the window and the roof, but none of that is keeping me from sleeping.
It's my mind running crazily through every single outcome which could happen tomorrow. It's all in my head but I can't help but feel as though it's all going to happen. I can't calm it down and relax.
I haven't cut myself though.
It helps me to calm down. It usually exhausts me and reminds me that I actually have one thing that I'm in control of. But it's too late. Charlie is already asleep and he'll realize something is wrong if I turn the shower on at this time of night. I'm scared of him finding out and sending me to talk to someone. I don't want to speak to anyone.
I just want to sleep.
The tears fall as the frustration of thinking about another sleepless night overwhelms me. Maybe the tears will wear me out?
I cry into my pillow, tugging on my brown hair that needs washing.
Crying makes me feel weak, vulnerable and childish. Today, too many tears have slipped from my eyes and I feel as though my usual strong composure that I have around people is slipping, fading almost.
'Maybe that's the problem... I don't have any confidence.'
I've never believed my own words until today. The fact that even Alice didn't disagree with them made me finally believe they were true. We both know they were.
That thought alone makes the tears drop faster, but they serve their purpose well. Finally, I fall into a dreamless sleep.
Will try to update within 2 weeks. Off on holiday for the week! See ya soon :)
