Voldemort cracked his knuckles menacingly, staring down with cruel red eyes at a trembling Major Winston Yu. Slit nostrils flared.
"So, is it true?" demanded Voldemort, cracking his knuckles again.
Major Winston Yu nodded, his eyes wide and fearful.
"Death Eaters!" yelled Voldemort, and within an instant Bellatrix Lestrange had Apparated to his side.
"My Lord?" she inquired sweetly.
Voldemort looked momentarily put out. "Where's the rest of you?"
"On vacation in Hawaii," answered Bellatrix. "All but, I, my Lord. I alone refused to give in to temptation, I alone remain devoted to you, I alone – "
"Yeah, yeah," whined Voldemort impatiently. "So, you're all I have to work with?"
Bellatrix pouted. "I don't see what's wrong with that. I killed Sirius Black, didn't I? Didn't I?"
Winston Yu snorted. Bellatrix spun around and glared at him.
"Excuse me," coughed Yu. "It was just so amusing to hear you boast of one decent kill. No offense intended, of course."
Bellatrix emmited a high-pitched squealing laugh. "Well, at least when I travel I'm not marked fragile, unlike you, Major Yu. People with glass bones shouldn't throw stones. No offense intended, of course."
"Well, convict, I never got caught! I am a member of Scorpia, the highest-rated terrorist group in the world!"
"...might I remind you, Monsieur, that Scorpia got taken down by one wandless teenager?"
Major Yu gasped. She had crossed a dangerous line.
"You called me Monsieur, witch!" he shrieked. "I am English! I tell you, English!"
Bellatrix snorted. "English? Are you kidding? If I turn you over I bet you'll have 'Made in China' stamped on your soles."
Voldemort privately wondered what had brought monsieur into the conversation then, but neglected to ask.
"My shoes were manufactured in England," said Major Yu with great dignity.
"Well, that's stupid, everyone knows Italian is best," snapped Voldemort. The other two paused and looked down at his bare, yellow-toed feet in confusion.
"You need a pedicure, my lord," mumbled Bellatrix.
Voldemort seemed flustered for a second, then remembered what he'd been calling Bellatrix about in the first place.
"Ah ... er – never mind that now. I have summoned you because Major Yu had some very interesting news for me. It seems Scorpia seeks to form an alliance with us in order to take down the Old Ones."
"What? Why?" asked Bellatrix curiously.
"Because Chaos is getting too bossy for his own good, and blocking out all the sunlight so Julia Rothman can't go tanning," explained Winston Yu.
"Really?"
"Oh – and there's something else. But you have to see for yourself."
Bellatrix and Voldemort looked on in interest and Major Yu pulled out a teeny laptop and flicked in on.
"I warn you, this may be shocking," he warned them.
They both gasped as they saw what he had opened. It was Chaos' Facebook page.
Name: Chaos Chaos.
Status: Getting ready to take over the world! Wish me luck, guys! Lol, lol, :) :) [ Fly Guy #1 likes this. 4 comments.]
Comments: [ Fly Guy #2 ] - Hey, boss, when r we going 2 attack Vol & Scorpia? Alex Rider's getting antsy and if we don't hurry we'll be 2 busy with da Summer War 2 crush da other bad guys so we can take over da world.
[ Giant Monkey ] - Ii need aa bgiger kyebarod cnat tpye smoenoe getrt mee 1 plz.
[ Giant Spider ] - I totally didn't get that.
[ Fire Rider #2 ] - He says he can't type because the keyboard is too small for his giant monkey fingers. I'll ask Scorpia for one right after we attack, kill, maul, maim, torture, rob defeat them and crush their morale. Fly Guy, Chaos says we're off to attack at midnight tonight.
Chaos Chaos won Matthew Freeman playing Tic-Tac-Toe. Play now to try and beat Chao's score!
Chaos Chaos scored 2% on the 'How Well Do You Know Albus Dumbledore?' quiz. Create your own quiz!
Chaos Chaos wrote on Aragog's wall: - Haha, Happy Anniversary! You and Giant Spider make a great couple.
Chaos Chaos joined the group 'Are You An Evil Villain About To Crush All The Other Bad Guys To Be The Biggest Threat And Take Over The World?'.
Bellatrix gasped. "Oh my God, Vol – Dark Lord! I think Chaos is going to attack us!"
"No, really?" asked Major Yu, deadpan. "What gave it away?"
"That comment, by the Fly Guy," cried Bellatrix accusingly. "That was what gave it away!"
"Rhetorical question, actually, but nobody pays attention anymore ..." murmured Yu.
"Do you realize what this means?" demanded Voldemort. "We must attack them before they attack us. The best defense is a good offense. Get ready to join forces with Scorpia, Bella. We must put Chaos back in his place."
Bellatrix made a face. "What, back in the ground? There is no freakin' way I'm opening that gate again, Matt and his crew have the key and – "
"I meant metaphorically," said Voldemort wearily. "As in, back to a humble stature."
"But he's King Of the Old Ones," said Bellatrix. "He's not supposed to be humble. You're just a lord. He's a king."
Voldemort growled. "I am more powerful and that's all there is to it."
"Okay," said Bellatrix doubtfully.
"And from now on, I will be referred to as the Dark King," added Voldemort.
"Oh, that's not gonna work," Yu put in. "'Cause that'd mean you're married to the Queen, bless her. Or they'd confuse you with Elvis, who is the King. Or Michael Jackson, the King of Pop."
"The Dark King of the Magical World, then," snapped Voldemort.
"But everyone calls you You-Know-Who anyway!" complained Bellatrix. "Why do us Death Eaters have to get stuck calling you that? By the time we say it we say it we could be dead."
"All the better then!" shouted Voldemort, exasperated. "The whole point of having an evil minion army is that they're supposed to do as I say. Isn't it bad enough I got stuck with Severus Snape? Now hop to it. Chaos'll be here soon."
"Good," said Major Yu, his eyes gleaming. "Scorpia has its defences ready. We've prepared the smallpox virus provided to Herold Sayle, got all of Hugo Grief's clones ready, accumilated a decent store of uranium, kidnapped Air Force One with all its plentiful bombs that only-America-gets-to-have-but-nobody-else-does, have injected all the world's citizens with nano particles of gold-and-poison, dropped Ark Angel out of the sky, and manufactured a Tsunami. Oh, and we also have an army of Snakeheads and illegal weaponry at our disposal."
"And we," declared Bellatrix, whipping out her wand. "Have prepared our ..."
"Sticks."
"Yeah ... sticks," muttered Voldemort glumly.
_________________________________________________________________
After the fight between Chaos & co. vs Voldemort & co., plus Scorpia & co.:
"We won!" cried Draco Malfoy victoriously, pumping his fist in the air and kicking an unconscious Old One vindictively. He patted his white-blond hair quickly, then continued, "we won! Na na na naaaaaa na!"
Chaos lay slumped in the middle of the battlefield. Bellatrix pranced around him, jumping up and down as she cackled madly. The triumphant Scorpia members and Death Eaters watched her.
"Nah," said Voldemort to Julia Rothman. "Helena Bonham Carter definitely did it better."
The bad guys-who-beat-the-other-bad-guys cheered nontheless as the remaining Old Ones all fled, finally knowing it was a lost cause.
And then a voice behind them spoke up.
"Oh, hey!" said Harry Potter cheerfully, grinning around at Matthew Freeman, Alex Rider and all the other good guys around him. "Oh, isn't that sweet, guys? Voldy and Scorps got rid of Chaos' bunch for us!"
A chorus of 'awww's and 'how thoughtful's and 'well, that'll make things easier's erupted from all around. Hermione looked thrilled. Alex looked regretful. Jamie was still recovering from the last parody and therefore unfortunately unavailable. Everyone else looked very pleased.
"Wait a second ..." began Winston Yu slowly.
_________________________________________________________________
Ten Minutes Later:
"... I can't believe," croaked Major Yu from where he sat sprawled helplessly on the ground with a broken toe and a black eye. "We went through all that just to get whupped by the good guys, anyway."
_________________________________________________________________
Name: Matthew Freeman.
Status: I can't believe they didn't see that coming! What dorks! Hahahahaha. [ 98 friends like this. 5 comments. ]
Comments: [ Ginny Weasley ] - Yea, gr8 victory, Matt, u free 2nite?
[ Harry Potter ] - Ginny!
[ Jamie Tyler ] - So sad I missed it. :'(
[ Matthew Freeman ] - I was free tonight but I'm not anymore. I have to stay at home tending to a bruised eyeball caused by a certain holly stick being poked into it. Sorry, Ginny.
[ Alex Rider ] - Sorry, Jame. I'm sure you'll be fine by our next war. But please stop meddling with my gadgets. It was terribly boring without you, though, Jamie. You always do make us laugh. Ginny: I'm free. And I can kick Harry's butt anytime.
