"Why the hell didn't you tell us?"
"What the hell were you thinking?"
"Lorelei, how could you-"
"Stop," I say, holding a hand up. The three men stare at me as I lay in my hospital bed, Dean the most pissed off looking of them all. "There was no point in telling you. This was inevitable-"
"Inevitable my ass," Dean says. "The doc told us that treatment could've at least prolonged-"
"If I had started it months ago," I say, cutting him off. "I was going to, but someone had to stay with Kevin. I had no choice."
Sam lets out a sigh as he hangs his head. "That's why you-"
"Came to see you, yes," I say, nodding my head. "I thought I could get some treatments at least. But, like I said, someone had to stay with Kevin."
"But you knew all this time," Dean says, his voice raised now. "You knew all this time, going out and doing hunts, probably making yourself worse, and you never said anything!"
"What good would it have done, huh?" I say, leaning forward a little. "What good would it have done if you three knew? Had me in a plastic bubble? Let me die in 'comfort'-"
"Don't say that-"
"What? Die?" I say. I knew it wasn't good of me to get worked up, but that's what Dean did to me. "You don't like the word 'die'? I'm dying, Dean. I am going to lay here in this bed for the next two days, and I am going to die in it. If you can't handle that, then just get the hell out."
He doesn't say anything else, just hits the bedside table as he storms out of the room. "Lor," Sam says in his chastising tone. He turns his head and watches as Cas follows Dean out of the room. I lay back on the bed again, taking some deep breaths as I try to calm myself down. "You don't really want him gone. Like you said, you only have-"
"Do you really think I want to spend it with him yelling at me?" I say. My energy was waning. I was tired of fighting. "I don't know Sam," I say with a sigh. Pushing the button on the side of the bed, I lower the head down. "Maybe you should go with him. Go find that Men of Letters place."
"And leave you here by yourself?" he says, kindness in his voice. "I don't think so." He grabs a nearby chair, pulling it up next to the bed and sitting down. "You're not going to be alone."
I give him a weak smile, feeling my latest round of pain medicine kicking in. The nurses had said they'd give me some whenever I asked, enough to keep me pain free and comfortable. "Thank you," I say in a quiet, breathy voice. As I look at him, my emotions deceive me and tears start to fill my eyes. "I hope he comes back."
Sam reaches forward and gently grabs my hand, holding it in his. "He will," he says. "You know Dean…he'll be back."
~xxxxx~
"How long has she been asleep?" I hear. I turn my head towards the door, seeing my brother standing there. I hadn't told Lorelei, but I was partly afraid he wouldn't come back.
"A couple hours," I say, rubbing a hand over my face. I watch Dean as he walks across the room and around the bed, stopping on the other side. His eyes never leave Lorelei. "Where've you been?"
"Talking to Cas," he says. "Calling anyone I could think of to help her. There's nothing to do though."
I look closer at my brother and see an emotion on his face I see very, very rarely…fear. He was scared of losing Lorelei…scared because he didn't know what to do…scared because there was nothing to do. "I think," I say, sitting up in the hard chair straighter and releasing Lorelei's hand. "I think she just wants us…you, really, to be here. Stay with her."
Dean continues to look at Lorelei, his eyes starting to get watery. "I don't know if I can do this man," he says. "I don't know if I can just sit here and watch her…."
"Don't think of it that way," a voice from the door says. We both turn to see a nurse standing in the doorway. She gives us a small smile as she walks into the room and over to the bed. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt. But it's best not to think of it as sitting here and watching her die."
"How should we think of it then?" I ask. I knew I had to speak up before Dean did…his question may not have been as nice.
"Think of it as," she says, reaching down to feel the pulse in Lorelei's wrist. "Think of it as just being with her. Being with her as she passes from this life, to the next. I take it from the cross around her neck, she's a religious person?"
Dean lets out a humorless chuckle. "You could say that," he says. Lorelei told me she used to be an avid church-goer, but now she wears the necklace more as a remembrance of her parents that had passed when she started college.
"Well," the nurse says, giving Dean a sympathetic smile. "Think of it as her leaving this place, for some place better."
We mumble some half-hearted thanks as she leaves the room. Once she's gone and the door is shut, Dean shakes his head as he pulls the recliner from the corner of the room next to the bed. "New rule," he says as he sits down. "No more 'she's off to a better place' people in here."
I let out a huff as I turn my head from him to the TV. "Agreed."
~xxxxx~
I slowly start to open my eyes, the only lights in the room from the small light above the bed. When my eyes are fully open, the first thing I see is Dean, snoozing in a recliner. I muster up what energy I have and turn my head to see if Sam is still sitting on the other side of the bed. I see him across the room, instead, sprawled out on a stiff-looking couch. I had a feeling this is where the hospital put all the dying people, so that their families would be comfortable. "Hey," I whisper as I reach out to poke Dean's cheek. The act seems so childish to me, I can't help but smile.
Dean slowly starts to stir, looking around the room with half-closed eyes. When his eyes finally land on me, he opens them wider as if he had forgotten why he was there. "Hey," he says, sitting up straighter in the recliner.
"You came back," I whisper, smiling again. Maybe it was the morphine making me smile so much.
"You didn't really think I'd leave you alone…did you?" he says, grabbing both of my hands into his. "Lor…I'm sorry about-"
"I love you," I cut him off. The pull to go back to sleep was too strong. I wanted to say what I wanted, in case I didn't wake up again. Dean's face sobers up as he stares at me. "I don't know if I've ever told you that, but I do…I love you Dean Winchester. I don't regret anything that has happened between us. I don't regret the things we've had to do to save each other and I don't regret starting to hunt with you and Sam."
"Lorelei, you don't have to-"
"I know I don't," I say. "But I want to. I want you to know that I love you. Not because we're family or because of the sex or because of how many times you've saved me. But because I just do, I feel it in my bones, in my very being, every time I see you. I know it." I don't expect him to say it back, that wasn't the reason why I told him. It wasn't his style to do so. So, when a single tear rolls down his cheek, I'm a little shocked. Dean nods his head as his hands around mine tighten. I don't tell him that it hurts, I just let him silently reciprocate everything I had just told him. "Hey," I say, recapturing his attention. "Do you remember that time we were hunting that vampire nest and we had to get those county records, but the guy at the front desk wouldn't listen to you or Sam?"
Despite himself, Dean cracks a smile and nods his head. "So you put on that sexy red dress and went in there."
"Came back out with the records and his phone number in ten minutes," I say, a smile gracing my own face. "That was one of my favorite hunts."
"Yeah, only because you knew I got jealous," he says.
"Never took you for the jealous type."
"Only with you," he says. Dean stares at me, his green eyes boring into mine.
A little voice in the back of my head was sneering that this was the last time I would see them. I wanted to punch that little voice. "I'm scared, Dean," I whisper.
"I know," he says. One of his hands release mine, moving to smooth down the hair on the side of my head.
"No," I say, barely shaking my head. I was feeling so weak and tired again. I just wanted to sleep. "I'm scared for you." Dean's brows furrow together as he looks at me. "Once I'm gone, please don't shut yourself off. Especially to Sam and Cas. Stay with them. Cry. Talk to them. Whatever. Just don't shut yourself off. Okay?"
I can see it in his eyes that he doesn't agree with me. "Okay."
"You promise me Dean," I say, more force in my voice than I thought possible at this point. "You promise me right here and now."
I knew I wasn't going to get a promise out of him. Instead, he leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead. "Are you in any pain?"
I nod my head as he reaches across me and presses the nurse call button. A minute later, my nurse quietly comes into the room. As she comes in, I hear Sam stir. "Ready for some more morphine?" I nod my head again. I feel the I.V. move in my arm as she connects the syringe, my eyes screwing shut as the medicine burns my already fragile veins. When I open my eyes again, she's gone and Sam has taken her place.
"Good," I say, my breath becoming more labored. "You're both awake. There's some things we should discuss."
"Lor, we don't have to-"
I cut Sam off, grabbing his hand. "Yes, we do Sam," I say, looking up at him. I was lying on my back now, so I could see both of them. Sam sits down in the chair next to the bed as I keep ahold of his hand. "Unless you two have any major objections to it, I'd rather not have a hunter's funeral. The thought of being burned just freaks me out." I turn to look at Dean and see his face has turned to stone. I knew he wouldn't want to talk about this. "I don't need to be buried in a cemetery, anywhere you all see fit is fine. In my large black bag, there is a manila envelope. It has all the information for my savings account, and who gets what. All of it is in Kevin's name, but it is supposed to be divided up between the three of you." I pause for a moment to catch my breath. "When you call Kevin to tell him, make sure you tell him that he did nothing wrong, and thank him for everything he did for me. There's also a few letters in that envelope. I want you to hand them out for me."
"Okay," Sam says, nodding his head. Dean stays silent.
"I love you two," I say breathily. "Thank you for everything you did for me." I shut my eyes, feeling the lull of sleep dragging me down. "I think…I'm going to sleep for a little bit…"
"Okay," I hear Dean say. I feel his fingertips brushing my forehead. "We'll be right here. We're not going anywhere."
"Good," I whisper, weakly nodding my head. At that moment, a phrase comes back to me that I always told my students when we went on outings. Kindergarteners were notorious to running off, so I had to come up with creative ways to stay with the group. I knew in that moment, also, that I probably wasn't going to wake up. I just didn't have the strength for it anymore. The phrase, was something I wanted the boys to carry with them, to remember me by. "I'll stay with you, you stay with me, and then how happy the group will be…"
~xxxxx~
I stare at Lorelei's stuff, sitting on the bed. It looked as if it were just waiting to be unpacked, but it never would be. She died about twelve hours after she fell asleep that last time. Dean just stared at her, like she was a doll once we realized she was gone. As she requested, we buried her. Dean hadn't said much since the doctor pronounced her death, but he was insistent on where to bury her. "This was her favorite place," he said with a gravelly voice. "She always told me that she loved running in the woods as a kid." So we buried in the middle of a forest in Missouri, about a three hour drive from the Men of Letter's bunker.
When I asked Dean what we should do with her stuff, he said he didn't care. I knew he did though. So, I picked a room in a far, back hallway of the bunker and placed her stuff on the bed. We could sort it out some other time. Before I walk out of the room though, I open her black bag she had mentioned and pull out the manila envelope. "Here's that envelope she told us about," I say a few minutes later, tossing the envelope on the large table in front of Dean.
He stares at me for a moment, pissed that I brought it out. I knew that if Dean had his way, we'd never talk about Lorelei again. But, I also knew that Lorelei would kick our asses for that. I think Dean realizes this and opens the envelope, dumping the contents onto the table. "We'll give all this legal crap to Kevin, let him deal with it," he says, sorting through everything. "Here," he flicks a small white envelope towards me, my name emblazed in Lor's calligraphy-type handwriting. "There's one for Kev and Cas too." Silence fills the library of the bunker as Dean continues to sort through all the contents of the envelope. There seemed to mainly consist of legal documents, letters to people, and pictures. I watch Dean as he stacks the pictures and then lays them face down off to the side.
"What are those of?" I ask him.
He shakes his head. "Some that she snapped of me and her," he says. "There's some of when she was a kid too."
I nod my head, not pressing the matter further. I pocket the letter, deciding to read it later. "You know," I say, looking around at the stacks of books surrounding us. "She probably would've wept at the sight of this place."
"Yeah," Dean says as he takes a drink of his liquor. "Somehow she was an even bigger nerd than you."
Despite the heavy feeling in the room, I let out a chuckle and crack a smile. "She did love books," I say. The realization that she was gone crashes down on me again and I shake my head. "Out of all the crap she's been through with us, all the stuff she even faced on her own…I just can't believe-"
"World is a messed up place, Sammy," Dean says before finishing off his drink. I watch him as he stands up, grabbing the letter marked for him and the pictures as he rises from his chair. I don't question where he's going to walk off to and I don't say anything about the other drink he pours himself before he starts to walk from the room. I shake my head as I watch him disappear down a hallway. Since I have a moment alone, I pull out Lorelei's letter and decide to read it.
"Dear Sam," it starts, "Well, this sucks, doesn't it? We live our lives fighting the supernatural and dealing with legends of old. Despite this, we tend to forget that we're only human…"
