Title: Where I Belong
Pairing: Kevin Nash and Shawn Michaels
Rating: 'M'
Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Friendship
Warnings: Slight blood play or emo-like actions/male-male sex
Summary: Just a short drabble. It's told from Shawn's POV in the first person. It's Shawn musing over a somewhat painful memory of the night he and Kevin had sex for the first and last time. Takes place a few weeks after Montreal.
~**~**~
Where I Belong
~*~*~
I don't know why I'm sitting here thinking of him. Maybe it's because in a weird way I often wish I would have just let Bret go to have a chance at him. Then again, I'm not sure if he even felt the same way about me. Hell, I don't even know if I loved him or not. I loved him but I don't think it was the same as my love for Bret. Either way, as I sit here alone watching the rain fall outside my Texas home window, my thoughts keep drifting back to the one time we had sex…or made love. I'm not really sure which it is because I don't think the meaning was the same for the both of us.
I had a fight with Bret and I was upset, crying and throwing things around my hotel room. Why I thought. Why do I let him do things to me? Why won't I let him go? He doesn't love me they way that I do anyway. I sat on the edge of the bed crying my eyes out. I don't even remember hearing him come in. I just felt the dip in the bed and warmth as his huge arms wrapped themselves around me.
"Let go of me!" I screamed. I didn't want to be held, at least that's what I said but he knew better. I can remember his strong arms wrestling me down on the bed but I pushed him away screaming at him.
"You don't care about me!" I screamed. "You know you don't want to be here!" I did everything I could to make him leave but he just sat there on the bed, staring at me with a hurt look in his eye. I saw it, the hurt, the pain in his eyes but I ignored it. Not because I didn't care but because I was selfish. I wanted to be selfish that night because I was angry. Angry at Bret. Angry at myself. Just angry at the world. He stood up and approached me but I lashed out at him, punching him in the stomach and pounding at his chest. I screamed at the top of my lungs.
"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS!" It was a lie and he knew it. Even as I said the words, the coldness of them rolling off my tongue, all he did was stand there. He didn't understand and I told him that. He didn't know what was going on with me. He thought I was just throwing another one of my tantrums. Maybe I was but in my heart it was because I missed Bret. I think it was when the phone rang when Kevin realized he couldn't take it anymore. He answered the phone apologizing to the hotel managers while I screamed every horrible word I could think of in the background. When he hung up the phone, I stormed across the room and snatched it out of the wall.
"Shawn…don't—
"FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF YOU! I SHOULD GO AND KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW!" I can remember seeing the razor on the nightstand. It was like a magnet drawing me near it. I snatched it up and before Kevin could stop me the blade was running down my arm. The pain…oh the pain and how wonderful it felt. It was short lived. Kevin charged at me knocking me into the nightstand. A sharp pain ran down my back but Kevin didn't relent. He grabbed me, spinning me around and slamming me into the wall. It hurt. It hurt like a motherfucker but when I think about it, I deserved it. I was being a bitch. It was nothing new but I think that was the last straw for Kevin. He pinned my body against the wall, my arms raised high above my head.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" he screamed at me. I struggled against him, the fresh blood running down my arm. I was crying. I was hysterical but I knew what I wanted. I knew but I wanted him to know. I tried to knee him in the groin, but he blocked me with his leg and closed the gap between us even more. I hate you! Get off of me! You don't care! Nobody cares! All of this I screamed at him until he finally snapped.
"SHUT UP!" he screamed. "YOU WANT ATTENTION? FINE! I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU!" And he was right. I did want attention because Bret wasn't giving it to me anymore. He was gone and so Kevin did the unthinkable. I can remember him pressing his lips to mine in a crushing kiss. I resisted at first, biting his lip drawing blood from him but he continued with his assault as if he didn't feel a thing. And then he raised his knee again. I flinched thinking he was going to hurt me but instead he began massaging me through the thin material of my wrestling tights. He finally released my arms and I instantly threw them around his neck, my legs wrapping around his waist as I hungrily, desperately licked and nipped at his neck. I needed him. I needed him so bad I could hardly stand it. Maybe it was a combination of the hurt I felt about Bret and the fact that I've always wondered what Kevin felt for me. I always knew that he loved me. Hell, a lot of people loved me but what kind of love did Kevin have for me? I would get my answer for sure that night.
He slapped my legs away and I dropped to the floor. I didn't have time to think because his hands were on my sides yanking the tights off of me. By now we both smelled of sweat and blood but unlike most it seemed to only make us thirsty for more. The smell stimulated us, heightening our senses, preparing us for what was to come. My pants finally off and Kevin starts to work on his. The blood smeared across his chest makes me reach out to touch making sure that it was real. His lip was cut but there was blood smeared all over his face from our kiss, a testimony of his sacrifice. It starts to hit me but I can't think. I don't have time.
Kevin shoves me hard against the wall, once again pinning my arms high above my head. His other hand moves between my legs clasping my erection. I gasp at the touch and then he squeezes, drawing a soft whimper from me. I think he ignores it but I cannot tell. I don't really know what I'm doing to him. All I know is that I need more. He touches me again. This time my hips move forward but he won't let me. He pulls away every time I fight. He's torturing me. He's making me beg for it. I should have known. I wasn't going to get what I wanted just because I was pissed. This was one too many times that Kevin was there but I spit in his face because I could. Because I knew I was their baby.
I finally swallow my pride and wait, whimpering, begging Kevin with each moan to touch me. When he finally deems it necessary, he takes me in his hand again and strokes me. I want to move with him. I want to set the pace but tonight I was being a taught a lesson. Tonight I would not be allowed to be in control. Kevin was holding all the cards and I could either listen or remain painfully aroused. I chose to listen. He chooses his pace carefully, touching me in all the right places, his hands bringing me the upmost pleasure. I could feel myself wanting to cum and I loose it. I started to cry for no good reason. To this day I couldn't tell you exactly why. I don't know if it was because my first best friend, second only to Bret, was doing this to me or the fact that I knew I had been wrong. But I was young. Stubborn. You couldn't tell me a damn thing except that I was a great wrestler.
"Kevin….Kevin please! I beg you let me cum!" I cried. His thumb caresses the tip of my cock then he leans forward placing his lips at my ear.
"Cum," he whispers. I burst into tears as I released, crying out his name into what was left of the room I'd practically destroyed. I was still sobbing when I was forced face first into the wall, my hips being pulled out from behind me. I think he prepared me but who knows. That first thrust was a mixture of intense pain and pleasure. My tears of God knows what were replaced by ones of agony then of joy. I held tightly to the wall as he entered me, every thrust making me cry out from pain and pleasure. I was hard again and as if he just knew, his hand started stroking me to match his rhythm. We both peaked at the same time, his final thrust making me shake all over from such a massive orgasm. He wouldn't let me fall. My body…It was like all the energy had been drained from my body but I never hit the floor. He scooped me up in his strong arms and put me in bed, tucking me in like he always did. I was his Shawn and he was my Kev.
At some point I quit sobbing but then I just lay there watching Kevin as he dressed himself. It wasn't long before there was a soft knock on the door and in walked Scott. He looked over at me though I can't really tell you what he was thinking. Then he cuts his eyes at Kevin who seemed to be struggling with what to do.
"You coming?" Scott asked. Kevin barely looked at me as he nodded his head, running a hand through his gorgeous raven hair.
"Yeah. I just…" His voice trailed off. I'm not sure if he felt guilty but to this day I think he did. None of them ever wanted to hurt me. None of them liked seeing me hurt. Scott walked over to Kevin and threw his arms around him. They hugged and then came the kiss. A lover's kiss. A kiss that only two people in love could share. I rolled over on my side shutting them out. I didn't want to see anymore. Two kisses – one from Scott and one from Kevin – on my cheek and then a whispered "I love you". I hear the soft sound of the door closing and then they were gone. I had gotten my answer that night.
Even now as I think about it, I think everything worked out for the best. But sometimes I just can't help but wonder "what if"? We all do it at some point. Every one of us sit and wonder if we are going in the right direction, or if we have reached that final destination. With me I can never be too sure but I won't give up. Kevin wouldn't want me to. Today I'm still out here taking chances like I did when I was younger and one of these days I'm hoping - praying that I'll be able to finally say, "This is it. This is where I belong."
