Chapter 3

When Ronon happened to stroll past the lounge the next morning, he was not surprised to see a familiar mess of dark hair leaning against the couch's headrest. Striding purposefully into the room, he reached down and shook his friend's shoulder, jostling him awake.

Sheppard's eyes flew open at once, searching angrily for the person who'd woken him so rudely. When he saw Ronon standing there, an amused smirk twitching his lips, he instantly relaxed.

"Hey, buddy," Sheppard greeted him, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He prayed to whoever was listening that he hadn't been snoring; if he had, Ronon would never let him live it down, and he'd also make certain that everyone else in the city knew about it as well.

"Hey," Ronon replied, his gaze both curious and calculating at once. "What's wrong with your bed?"

"Nothing. Just didn't feel like walking all the way down there, that's all."

Ronon lifted an eyebrow. "Uh-huh."

At his friend's response, Sheppard frowned petulantly. "What?"

Quickly tiring of messing with his friend, Ronon sighed and revealed the reason he'd come. "Teyla told me she hung out with you down here last night. Didn't think you'd actually go to bed, even though you told her you would." He shrugged. "Guess she was right."

Damn, Sheppard thought as he lazily stretched his sore leg muscles, like a cat waking from a nap. He wondered how much Teyla had told Ronon about their discussion, if she'd happened to mention anything about his shouting at her. He mentally chided himself. If there was one thing Teyla was not, it was a gossiper. She could keep one hell of a secret. Look how long it took her to tell me she was having Torren.

Torren.

Thinking of the little guy usually made Sheppard happy, but not now. Now, there was only a hollow feeling as his mind repeated Torren's name, a sadness that he didn't want to admit was even there.

"Oh," was all he said in reply. Then, in an effort to change the subject, he asked, "What time is it?"

"Seven," Ronon answered, just as willing to let the former thread of conversation drop. He wasn't one to draw out verbal communication farther than it needed to go, and he could tell that Sheppard didn't want to talk about it anymore, either. That was fine with him, for the moment. Later...well, that was a different idea altogether.

Heaving out a sigh, Sheppard pushed himself up off the couch, his hand rubbing small circles at the back of his neck. It was slightly tight and sore; most likely from sleeping sitting up, his mind scolded. He told it to shut up, and for once, it obeyed.

"Gym?" Ronon asked.

Sheppard groaned. "I dunno, Ronon..."

"Okay, one," Ronon interrupted, placing his hand on Sheppard's chest to prevent him from escaping, "you've been putting me off for weeks. And two, it'll help clear your head. At least for a while." Before Sheppard could again refuse, he added, "And, I'll go extra-easy on you. Because of your injuries."

After another moment's thought, Sheppard finally nodded. "Okay," he said, "but if I get another cut on my pretty face, you'll be the one explaining it to Keller."

"No problem," Ronon agreed with a grin. As Sheppard turned around to lead the way, Ronon slapped him on his back.

Finally, he just might be getting his friend back.


When Teyla walked into the cafeteria, she found Jordan sitting at a table by the window, staring down into an empty coffee mug. Teyla quietly moved across the room until she stood beside Rodney's red-headed assistant.

"May I sit with you?" Teyla asked her.

Jordan looked up, startled. When she saw who had spoken, she smiled. "Sure."

Teyla slid into the chair to Jordan's left, and folded her hands in her lap.

"Couldn't sleep?" Jordan asked her, and she shook her head.

"I often find myself thinking too much, and cannot relax."

"Where's Torren?"

Teyla smiled. "He is being cared for by Major Lorne," she replied, "They are becoming great friends."

Jordan grinned. "Nothing brings out a man's childish side like a baby."

"That is certainly true around here." When Jordan's smile slipped from her face, Teyla cocked her head and said, "You seem to be troubled. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Jordan knew from her long – and often one-sided – talks with Rodney that Teyla was a good listener, honest but gentle, and that she had even helped him on a few occasions. She figured because of that, and because Teyla knew what it felt like to be kidnapped, she might be able to give her advice.

Blowing out a sigh, Jordan said, "I've been having nightmares lately."

"About the Genii?"

She nodded. "I can't get their faces out of my head. Especially the one who...attacked me."

Teyla leaned back, for once unsure of what to say. She had learned of the events that had taken place on the planet from Sheppard's mission report, and what had happened to Jordan had unsettled her more than she cared to admit. She thanked the ancestors that nothing like that had ever happened to her, and then strangely felt bad for it.

At last, she replied, "I know a little of how you feel. After I was taken by Michael, I had many nightmares about him. They were terrible, and eventually, they began to interfere with my duties." She sat forward and caught Jordan's eye. "Have you seen Doctor Keller about this?"

Jordan laughed then, catching Teyla by surprise. "Yes, and she prescribed me some sleeping pills, since I've been losing sleep."

"But you have not taken them, yet," Teyla replied knowingly.

"No, I haven't," Jordan agreed, sighing. "I was about to get ready for bed, but I realized that it was a waste of time. So, I've just been sitting here, thinking about something else."

Teyla didn't speak, because even though she was curious, she didn't want to pry into Jordan's personal life. Whatever Jordan wanted her to know, she would tell her in her own time; however much or little she told was also up to her.

After a moment, Jordan turned to stare at her, and said, "When I went in to talk to Keller about my nightmares, she told me she'd gotten some of my test results back."

Teyla nodded, silently waiting for her to continue.

"That Genii guard, the one Sheppard killed? He got me pregnant."

Teyla blinked, not wanting to believe that she'd heard her correctly. But the fear in Jordan's eyes was all too clear to her. Placing a hand over Jordan's, Teyla stared straight into her eyes.

"Have you spoken to Colonel Carter about it? Or Colonel Sheppard?"

"No. But I have a feeling Colonel Sheppard knows, anyway. Keller probably told him."

Teyla shook her head. "No. She would not tell him anything unless she had your permission. She has never betrayed the trust of a patient."

Jordan sighed. "Still, he's been acting strange lately. He keeps looking at me, like he wants to say something, but doesn't know how to begin."

Teyla smiled to herself, remembering how he had also done that with her. At the news of her pregnancy with Torren John, Sheppard had become increasingly awkward around her, until he simply stopped talking to her. While it had hurt that he'd treated her so coldly, she now understood his reasons for doing so. Put simply, he was afraid.

After chatting for a while longer about more mundane things, Teyla stood up and said, "I must get Torren from Major Lorne. He probably needs feeding, and the Major has duties to perform."

"You want to get some lunch later?" Jordan asked her. "It'll be breakfast time in two hours, so it's too late for that."

Teyla smiled. "That would be lovely."

"Okay." Before Teyla could walk away, Jordan put a hand on her arm. "And, Teyla?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks."

Teyla bowed her head once. "You are most welcome. And will you promise me something?"

Jordan shrugged. "Sure."

Teyla peered at Jordan with wide, brown eyes. "Speak with Colonel Sheppard. Or Carter."

Biting her lower lip, Jordan thought about that for a moment before nodding slowly. "Okay. I promise."

Satisfied with her answer, Teyla smiled softly, and then left the cafeteria.


Ronon and Sheppard sat in the lounge together, watching Sheppard's football tape for at least the fortieth time. Though Ronon still didn't quite understand the attraction of the game, he was just happy to be there with his best friend, having what Sheppard called "guy time".

Sheppard, however, seemed distracted. His eyes were on the screen, but he didn't seem to actually be watching it. Every once in a while, he uttered a heavy sigh and rubbed a hand through his hair.

Finally, Ronon decided to find out what was wrong. He grabbed the remote from the coffee table before them, clicked the TV off, and then tossed the remote onto the couch.

"Hey!" Sheppard cried, frowning. "I was watching that!"

Ronon crossed his arms over his chest. "No, you weren't." Realizing he'd been caught, Sheppard leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes as Ronon asked, "So what's up with you?"

"Nothin'. Just tired."

Ronon took a deep breath in. Though Sheppard was like a brother to him, he could sometimes also be a royal pain. Patiently, he said, "Something else is buggin' you. I noticed it when we came back for you. When you killed that guard."

Slowly, Sheppard sat up and locked his gaze on the Satedan. He'd known, subconsciously, that Ronon would be curious about his actions then, but he'd hoped that he wouldn't actually bring it up. Now, he knew he couldn't just pretend it hadn't happened.

"He deserved it," Sheppard explained simply, shrugging. You really don't wanna go down this rabbit-hole, pal. You might never come out.

Ronon nodded. "Never said he didn't. I've just never seen you that...angry...before. You looked like you enjoyed killing him."

Not even blinking, Sheppard replied, "Maybe I did."

Though Sheppard's reply unsettled Ronon greatly, he merely stuck out his bottom lip in thought. Then, he asked, "What'd he do?"

Suddenly, Sheppard's eyes turned dark, and he shouted, "It doesn't matter!"

Now, Ronon was very worried. He waited until he saw that his friend had calmed down a little, and again said, "Sheppard. What. Did. He. Do?"

Realizing his anger was misdirected, Sheppard again sighed heavily leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. Here it goes; you asked for it. "At first, he and his buddy tortured me, claiming that we were searching for some weapon the townspeople knew about. For a day or so, they did a number on me, but I wouldn't tell them anything. Of course," he grinned humorlessly, "I didn't know anything. Eventually, they figured that hurting me wasn't doing them any good. They decided that if they tortured Jordan, maybe I would tell them what they wanted to know, to keep her from being hurt."

Ronon nodded, wisely keeping silent as Sheppard continued.

"Anyway, at first, they smacked her around, stopping every once in a while to see if I changed my mind. They got tired of that after a while, though, so they left. That night, it was a different story."

Sheppard took a deep breath, the pain in his chest returning as he remembered everything – the sound of fabric tearing, the smell of dirt and blood mingling, the wailing screams ripped from Jordan's throat – and he nearly gagged. Ronon could see the hurt in Sheppard's eyes, and it made him angry to know that the Genii had caused it. Everything those guys touched seemed to break into pieces, and that included people.

In a near-whisper, Sheppard said, "I killed the guard because he raped Jordan. Five days in a row."

As soon as the words were out of his friend's mouth, Ronon felt his stomach drop into his feet, and he finally understood why Sheppard had been so full of revenge. He'd been forced to sit there, to watch and listen to all that...

"I promised myself," he heard Sheppard say, "that when we got out of there, I would find him and kill him. It was just dumb luck that he ended up walking in when we escaped."

Ronon nodded. "If I'd known, I'd have killed him myself."

Sheppard smiled. "I know." And he really did. He knew that Ronon hated the Genii almost as much as he despised the Wraith.

"You talked to Jordan since then?"

The colonel shook his head. "Nah. Every time I look at her, I feel so guilty. "

Ronon frowned. "Why? It wasn't your fault."

The stormy look was back, and this time, he stood up and began pacing. "But I should've helped her. I should've found a way to escape before it happened!"

Ronon also stood, and stared down at him. "Sheppard!"

He stopped pacing. "What?"

"You gotta stop beating yourself up about it."

Sheppard didn't reply, but began to walk the length of the room again. Then, he muttered, "I can't."

"Why not?" Ronon was really curious now. Sheppard's face suddenly looked like a kid's did when the lights went on, and his parents found him with his hand stuck in the cookie jar. Guilty – and something else, though Ronon couldn't place it.

"Because when I went into the infirmary for an update on things, I happened to catch a glance at Jordan's test results."

Confused, Ronon shrugged. "And?" He prompted.

Again, Sheppard stopped and gazed up at Ronon, his hazel eyes full of pain. "And...she's pregnant."

"What?" Ronon asked. Sheppard stared at him.

"You heard me," he stated flatly. "That Genii bastard got her pregnant."

"Well," Ronon replied, crossing his arms over his broad chest, "you can't let her know you know."

"I know," Sheppard agreed, "but it's knowing that's killing me!"

"I can tell."

"And for once, I really don't know what to do." He made a frustrated noise in his throat, and went back to pacing.

Ronon watched him silently for a while, wondering how long it would take for him to wear a hole in the floor. Then, he shrugged and said, "Maybe she'll tell you."

Sheppard barked out a laugh. "No," he replied, "she won't."

"How d'you figure that?"

"Because I just do. How long did it take Teyla to tell me she was pregnant with Torren?"

Ronon had to admit, Sheppard had a point there. "That was different."

Sheppard gazed up at him again, his hazel eyes wide. "Exactly my point! She had a relationship with Kanaan."

"Still," Ronon said, tiring of standing there and flopping back down onto the couch, "you and Jordan were together when it happened. Even if you couldn't help her physically, just knowing you were there had to help."

Sheppard thought about that for a while. "I don't know," he said at last, "I mean, I know it wasn't my fault, that I couldn't have helped her if I wanted to. But I think somewhere deep down, she must blame me. I could've told them anything just to get them to stop, but I didn't."

Sighing, Ronon replied, "But if they went where you told them to go, and there was nothing there..."

"Yeah, yeah," Sheppard nodded, knowing where Ronon was going with his thought. "They would've come back even angrier, and hurt her worse. Or killed her. I know that."

"So then stop thinking about the what-ifs," Ronon chided, "and try talking to her again."

"What if she won't talk to me?"

Ronon shrugged. "Then at least you tried. Something tells me she wants to talk to you. She's just afraid to."

Sheppard gazed at him, confused. "Afraid? Why?"

"Probably a hundred reasons." He started counting off on his fingers as he spoke, "You're a man, you're the military leader here, you're..."

"Okay, I got it," Sheppard interrupted him. Finally, he stopped pacing, and sat down next to Ronon, once more leaning his head back against the couch. As he stared at the ceiling above them, he said, "I guess I'll try talking to her."

"Good." Then, he changed the subject. "You wanna go spar for a while?"

Sheppard chuckled. "And get my ass kicked all over the gym? No, thanks."

Ronon chuckled as well. "Suit yourself. But you still owe me."

"Yeah, okay."

Ronon stood up and walked toward the doorway. When he was halfway out, he turned around to glimpse at his friend one last time. Sheppard was still resting there, his head nestled against the back of the couch. Ronon shook his head sadly, understanding only a little of what the colonel was going through, and then left for the gym.


Jordan sat in the cafeteria, a cup of cocoa growing cold between her hands. She was the only person in the room, and though she wasn't normally an anti-social person, this time she was glad to be alone. Sighing heavily, she glanced out the window at the dark night beyond, suddenly feeling lost and empty inside. It had been two weeks since she and Sheppard had been rescued from the Genii, and though she tried to forget about the ordeal, she found it was impossible. The nightmares were becoming unbearable; most of the time she ended up getting out of bed and coming down here, hoping that maybe she'd be able to escape from her thoughts for a while.

However, that hadn't been the case tonight. All she'd been doing the entire time was thinking. Recently, a sick feeling had begun to churn in her gut, and she was forced to take deep, calming breaths until it subsided. Eventually, it did, but it was always there, pressing just enough on her stomach to keep her feeling uneasy.

Suddenly, Jordan was aware of a presence nearby. She looked up, and was somehow not surprised to see Colonel Sheppard standing there, with a look on his face that puzzled her.

"Colonel?" She said, raising her eyebrow quizzically.

"Hey," he replied, "could I join you?"

"Of course."

He sat down across from her, setting two mugs down on the table between them. When she eyed the one closer to her, she was surprised to find that it contained hot cocoa, not coffee. She looked back up at Sheppard, who shrugged and said, "I figured you might need a refill."

She smiled softly. "Thanks."

They sat in silence for a while, each drinking from their mugs and staring out the window, though neither could actually see anything. Finally, Sheppard cleared his throat and began, "So, uh, I just came from the infirmary."

Panic rose in Jordan's chest, but she forced herself to remain calm on the outside. "Yeah?" She took another swallow of her cocoa.

"Dr. Keller told me you've been having nightmares."

"Yep."

Sheppard leaned back in his chair, crossing his ankles under the table. "How're you feeling now?"

Jordan shrugged. "Okay, I guess. A little tired, but the sleeping pills Keller gave me should fix that." She shot him a curious look. "What about you?"

"I'm okay. Tired, but that comes with the territory."

She nodded. They fell silent again, and Jordan tried to avoid his perceptive gaze, finally settling her vision on an empty table nearby. Sheppard watched her face, trying to think of a good way to say what he wanted to, but not finding any. Truthfully, he felt as nervous as Jordan seemed, and he scolded himself for it. He was the military commander of Atlantis, for crying out loud; he was usually never one to dance around an issue.

"Listen," he finally began, and Jordan's gaze snapped to his face. "I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" She asked. Sheppard nodded. "For what?"

He sighed and sat forward again, wrapping both hands around his coffee. "For not being able to help you when..." he trailed off, not wanting to speak of the horrors she'd endured at the hands of the Genii.

Jordan smiled humorlessly, and he knew that even though he hadn't spoken the words aloud, she'd finished the thought for him. She leaned forward as well, and replied, "It's not your fault. You were in a cell, too."

Sheppard nodded, a grim look on his face. "I know. But I was there. I heard you begging for help."

At that, her brown eyes began to tear up, but her lips set into a firm line. Blinking rapidly to clear away the tears, she repeated, "It wasn't your fault."

Sheppard's piercing gaze bored into her. "Still..."

Just then, his radio clicked, and Carter's voice called his name. Dammit. Couldn't everyone just leave him alone for an hour, at least? Tossing an apologetic look at Jordan, he tapped it and answered, "Sheppard here."

"I need you in my office for a minute."

Though he was tempted to make a sarcastic comment, he merely replied, "On my way up," and clicked the radio back off. He pushed his chair away from the table and stood up.

"Sorry, Jordan," he said to her, and she nodded.

"It's okay. I should go get some rest, anyway."

"Yes," he grinned, "you should."

With a final glance at her, Sheppard left the cafeteria and headed toward Carter's office. Jordan watched him leave, feeling even more lost than before.


TBC...