Amy whooped with exhilaration as she stepped into apparent nothingness, only to be rapidly 'whooshed' upwards alongside the Doctor. Her legs were just alittle bit wobbly when they both reached the top!
"I bet you don't though,' she declared, as they stepped out of the empty lift shaft, trying to disguise her enthusiasm by revisiting her original topic. (She was determined to get some kind of reaction out of him!) 'Have snogging sessions, I mean.' (Inspiration struck!) 'Wait a minute! Are there Time Lord Kiss-a-Grams?"
The Doctor was saved from answering immediately: Amy fell silent in amazement when they passed through the large open entryway, into the Arcade itself. It was the most astonishing arcade, or possibly atrium, that she had ever seen!
Hordes of people of all shapes and sizes thronged the space, but it didn't appear to be even slightly crowded – it was that big! Although she didn't spend too long examining any individual shops at first, Amy did note the multiple levels rising up into the ether. These levels were connected by a bewildering array of transport systems, including chutes and waterfalls that she initially assumed were decorative features. On closer examination, however, a variety of aquatic life-forms became evident, but Amy quickly found herself distracted by other sights.
Avian beings were quite simply flying between the various levels, but politely avoiding other shoppers when they landed anywhere. Those poor unfortunates limited to foot travel were rising and descending in glass lifts, on hover platforms, or – or they were simply stepping into little booths… and disappearing!
There was a glorious array of plant life all over the place as well. However, Amy decided that she would treat the various luxuriant growths and shrubberies as fellow customers – until she found out otherwise! Blending in with the ambient murmur of multitudes of conversations; a distinctly odd, yet not unpleasant, background beat raised the noise level slightly. After a moment's consideration, Amy identified the bland and inoffensive sound as 'Alien Musak', and promptly forgot about it.
Pride of place, at the center of this huge atrium, went to a large water feature. Resembling a cross between a fountain and a massive tree, it was surrounded by a large pool of water. Amy was amused to notice the ubiquitous cleaner-bots zooming around everywhere, skillfully avoiding the oblivious shoppers. No-one even seemed to notice them, until she saw one poor 'bot frantically trying to avoid the attentions of a small… tree? It must be a child, Amy concluded, as it scurried gleefully after its victim on multiple root-like appendages. It was emitting a rustling, chortling, litany of giggles, and appeared to be having the time of its life! Until, that is, some kind up vine-like limb plucked it into the air, depositing it firmly back into the pool!
Amy had to fight back her own incipient giggles, as the little sapling waded dejectedly towards a group of children already playing there. It looked so cute!
"Well, well, well!' Declared the Doctor as he tried to take in everything at once. 'This is rather impressive, isn't it?"
Amy was unable to disagree. The whole place was totally Wow!
She was about to say so, when the Doctor carried on smugly. 'As it happens, Pond, I've been told that I'm a very good snogger!"
Amy couldn't believe her ears!
She swung about to find him standing side on to her, affecting an air of nonchalance as he continued to scan the arcade.
"Oh yeah? Who told you that then?" She demanded, wondering if she was actually annoyed, or just a teensy bit jealous.
He just peered at her sidelong from the corner of the eye nearest to her, then, in a cod Sean Connery 'Bond' voice said. "A gentleman… doesn't… tell… tales!"
Amy's Gast was totally Flabbered! There was no way that he was going to get one up on her! She grabbed his arm so that he couldn't run away, then sidled menacingly around him until they were face to face.
Pretending to be chewing gum, (she didn't fancy chewing tobacco – even if it was pretend!) Amy slouched her hips and rolled her shoulders, gunslinger styley.
"Is that so, Pilgrim?' she drawled menacingly, dragging out the 'soooo' with relish. Spitting out her imaginary gum, she went for her hips! 'Prove it!" Amy challenged enthusiastically, holding him dead to rights with her finger-guns.
The Doctor looked a bit startled by the sudden movement, and then a stubborn reluctance settled across his features. "Don't want to." He mumbled petulantly into his collar, as he shuffled about awkwardly.
"Ha! I knew it!' Amy crowed triumphantly. Moving even closer to him, so that he was forced to look her in the eyes, she jeered, "All talk and no trousers! That's you, Doctor!"
Then she let out a surprised 'Yip!' and thrust her hips against him violently, slapping both her hands onto her buttocks! The Doctor leapt away with remarkable alacrity, landing in a crouch some distance away.
"Steady on, Pond!' he shouted, eyes wide with surprise. 'You can take a joke too far, you know!"
"Ow!' yelled Amy plaintively, apparently practicing her Pogo, with a bit of modified Bavarian schuhplattler thrown in for good measure. 'Something's biting me, Doctor!
'Oww!
'Don't just stand there, Doctor!
'Do something!"
More than a little flustered, the Doctor rose from his defensive crouch and cautiously approached his distraught companion. He patted the air vaguely in her direction, in what he hopedwas a placating fashion. He had absolutelyno idea what he was supposed to do! (Cybermen? Walk in the park! Daleks? Eeeeeeeeasy peasy! A distressed young lady with 'ants in her pants'? Hmmm… Run away?)
"Just hold still for a moment, if you can, Pond. I can't do anything with you hopping about like that!' He beseeched, clasping his hands together, fingers locked before his chin. Then, assuming his most reassuring 'It's okay, I'm the Doctor' look, he continued. 'Now… I need you to take your hands away, and turn around so that I can see what the trouble is…"
Amy, who had managed to control her manic twitching a little by now, saw a perfect opportunity for some more teasing! (And, since her discomfort was bound to be the Doctor's fault anyway, she was in no mood to show any mercy!) Widening her eyes at him in mock-alarm and surprise, Amy reclaimed her hands and clapped them before herself enthusiastically. "Ooh!' She gushed shamelessly, in as posh an accent as she could manage. 'A spanking! Are we going to have a spanking?" (The results were more than she could have hoped for!)
"Certainly not!' Squeaked the Doctor, as he reared back from her in horror!
But all too soon he cleared his throat in an embarrassed fashion, trying to regain control of his vocal cords. 'Hmm… I see what you're doing there, Pond, don't think that I don't!' He harrumphed, as he shook an admonishing finger at her - trying to disguise the fact that she had caught him totally off guard. 'Honestly…' he complained, as he began rummaging around in his own pockets, 'the sooner we get you married off to Mr. Pond, the better, as far as I'm concerned. I'm beginning to wish that I'd never introduced you to Monty Python in the first place!"
(This last was mumbled under his breath, as he turned his attention to an inner jacket pocket.)
Amy felt a little disappointed that the Doctor had caught on so quickly this time – she enjoyed watching him squirm! She was totally unaware that she was unconsciously cradling her offended parts once more, as she asked, somewhat sulkily, "So what are you going to do?"
With a relieved exclamation of triumph, the Doctor announced, "I'm going to use…' He produced his sonic screwdriver from inside his jacket dramatically! Brandishing it before himself, as if he had just performed a magic trick, he declared, 'This little beauty, of course!" His grin of exultant 'Doctor to the rescue' self-satisfaction began to droop, just a little, when he looked at Pond…
Who was staring at his favourite fix-everything gadget like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming tank-transporter.
Amy took full advantage of the Doctor's renewed uncertainty. (She decided that, if and when she ever got back to a normal life, she would try her hand at this acting lark. She was really rather good at it, she thought!) "What?' she asked the Doctor, in what she hoped was a tone combining apprehension, intrigue, and a good measure of nervous interest, 'In front of all these people?" She glanced around the crowded concourse slowly, then returned her attention to the Doctor, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.
Unfortunately, the lascivious smirk that she had intended to add (as a coup de grace!) died aborning. Her carefully crafted innuendos flew straight over the Doctor's head – without even leaving a parting in his rambunctious hair! Instead, he was examining the thronging crowds pensively, unconsciously tapping the Sonic against his jutting chin. "You may have something there, Pond…" he began.
"Too right I have, Matey Boy!' Amy interrupted hotly, 'and whatever it is – it's still biting my bum!"
The Doctor shot her an irritated frown, as he surreptitiously replaced the Sonic inside his jacket. "You're doing that deliberately, aren't you?
'I meant that you are probably correct, using the Sonic out here would draw too much attention.' He gripped Amy firmly by the arm and began to guide her towards the emergency stairwell beside the entryway. 'Just try to act normally, Pond,' he murmured under his breath, 'and stop jigging about so much. People are beginning to stare. You look like you need to use the little girl's room!"
What Amy really wanted to do was hit him again (which was probably why he'd made sure to pinion her arm, she surmised,) but she settled for kicking the nearest shin. "Ow!' he yelped, providing some small satisfaction. 'Really, Pond, you must learn to control these violent tendencies!
'Actually, I think I might know what's causing the problem for you, it shouldn't too take long to fix!"
"So what is it, then?" Amy asked, as she allowed the Doctor to guide her through the (apparently) little-used entryway. She wasn't all that surprised to find that nobody else was inside the stairwell – why use the stairs when there were so many other easier, and much more interesting, ways to get about?
"Well,' the Doctor began as they descended the first flight of stairs, 'I think it might possibly be sort of my fault, actually.' (He manfully ignored his companion's distinctly unfeminine snort of derision.) 'You know that loose change, those jewels that I gave you – all those shiny things that Pond's like?"
By now they had reached the next landing, so Amy pulled herself free and spun to face the Doctor, crossing her arms aggressively across her chest. It would have looked quite intimidating, if she hadn't suddenly squawked in shock, and begun slapping at her buttocks as if they were on fire! To her intense annoyance, the Doctor seemed to be paying no attention to her, thoroughly engrossed as he was with his sonic screwdriver. With an odd sense of dislocation, Amy found herself reminded of being patronized and condescended to by Dr. Prestwick back home, as the Doctor raised his Sonic and scrutinized it judiciously…
"Now then, Pond...' he began, sounding uncannily like every male G.P. Amy had ever met. 'This won't hurt a bit! Just turn around – and try to hold still, please – so I can give your pockets a quick zap!"
Amy wasn't at all sure that she wanted to have her bottom 'zapped', and clutched herself protectively. "What does that mean, exactly?" She asked, looking at the Doctor suspiciously.
"Oh come on, Pond!' He grumped impatiently, resting his fists on his hips and trying to look disparaging. 'Do you want me to sort you out or not?' When he received no response – not even to such an irresistible opening line – the Doctor realised that his friend was actually much more upset and nervous than she wanted him to see. He sighed and relaxed, his whole posture radiating apology and reassurance. "I'm sorry, Pond. It's really quite simple, all I'm going to do is this…'
The Sonic emitted a soothing hum as he activated it, and a bright blue glow lit its tip. The Doctor waved it around slowly, as if expecting it to produce wobbly, translucent bubbles. The effect was quite hypnotic. Then he offered Pond a radiant smile and bowed towards her, splaying his hands in a 'Tada!' ending. 'You see, there really is nothing more to it than that! I don't even need to get any closer to you, I can do it from over here!' He gazed at her pensively for a moment, then continued earnestly, 'But I really doneed you to turn around. So that I can… see the target, as it were."
"Well… Okay then.' Amy agreed, making sure that the Doctor knew that she was not at all happy about this situation. 'But last I heard, you couldn't hit a barn door with a boomerang, even if you were tied to it!' Turning to face the wall she continued speaking. 'And if I hear you making any comments about the size of this particular target – you are going to get a serious slapping!' Reluctantly, Amy slid her hands around so that they rested on her thighs then, with a toss of her head, enquired, 'So. Are you gonna tell me what's going on, or not?" She heard the Sonic begin its melodic warbling, and the Doctor began to speak ruminatively, apparently lost in thought,
"Well, it's a bit embarrassing, really. You see, I've only just remembered…' He raised his eyes from the Sonic, sighting towards Pond's posterior, and added defensively. 'But it was a long time ago, and so much has happened since – it's easy to lose the odd memory or two!"
"I get it, Doctor!' Pond interjected quickly, although she did sound slightly less irritated. As the soothing influence of his screwdriver made itself felt, she even managed to joke. 'Your head is probably like the Tardis – bigger on the inside! But could you just skip to the edited highlights, please?"
"Ah… Right you are then. I think that some of those jewels are actually crystalline creatures from the planet Aspaxa, which I visited a very long time ago. Strangely enough, the Aspaxans used those same crystal creatures as currency…' He was lowering himself to one knee as he spoke, adjusting the setting on his sonic screwdriver slightly. He was pleased to note that the tension appeared to be melting from Pond's shoulders, and he gazed into the glowing blue tip of the Sonic as he continued. 'Anyway, I found myself confined on Aspaxa with Sabalom Glitz…"
"Eeeyuuw!' Pond suddenly cringed, 'That sounds nasty! It's not contagious is it? I mean… you're all better now, right?"
The Doctor peered intently at Pond, trying to work out if she was being serious. He couldn't really tell much from the back of her head, so decided to ignore the outburst. "Glitz is/was a ne're do well reprobate, whom it has been my misfortune to encounter more often than I would like. He was always running some sort of scam!' Suddenly changing the subject, the Doctor squinted, asking, 'How do you feel now, Pond? Is it having any effect?"
"Mmmmm…" Amy confirmed. In truth, the sharp littles nips and pinches had faded away a short while ago. The simple absence of pain was sheer bliss! However, she saw no reason to tell the Doctor that! Not only did she want him to finish his story, but the ethereal serenade from his Sonic was deeply soothing. She found herself basking in a state of serene contentment, so it was a while before she noticed that the Time Lord had gone quiet. "Doctor?" She enquired, slightly concerned.
Perhaps triggered by the question, a gravelly, raspy voice that she didn't recognise began to sing.
"Klokleda partha menniin klatch,
'Haroon, haroon, haroon,
'Klokleda shunna teerenach,
'Haroon, haroon, haroon,"
"Doctor?"
Amy slowly, almost reluctantly, swiveled around to see what was going on; only to find the Time Lord crouched on one knee, waving the glowing Sonic vaguely.
"Haroon, haroon, haroo-oo-oon,
'Haroon…"
She had to shake him quite roughly to break the Doctor out of his trance, until he was blinking up at her myopically. It was a whole nerve-wracking second before he registered her presence.
"Pond!' he barked in surprise, 'What are you doing on Peladon?"
Before Amy could even begin to respond, he started blinking even more rapidly, shaking his head twitchily; then he clamped a hand over the glowing end of his Sonic. "Ignore that! It's alright! I think I know what happened! Did it work? Is it okay to turn this off now?"
At Amy's assurance that she was no longer suffering any ill effects, the Doctor grinned in relief, deactivating his screwdriver with a flourish. "Remind me never to use that setting again, won't you, Pond?" He asked, as he raised himself unsteadily to his feet – with Amy's concerned assistance – by dint of dragging himself up the wall.
"Are you alright, Doctor?' She asked in a worried tone, as he stood there wobbling and blinking. 'What happened to you?"
Still shaking his head, and swaying somewhat precariously, the Doctor firmly deposited the Sonic inside his jacket. "Nothing to worry about, Pond!' he grinned (at where Amy wasn't!) 'Just accidentally set up a psychic feedback loop! Now that the Sonic is de-activated, I shouldn't have any further problems!"
Amy winced as he turned around, and walked directly into the wall behind. "Ah.' He said quietly, nose pressed flat. 'Wasn't expecting that."
By now Amy was so worried that she had almost forgotten why they were there in the first place! "Doctor!' she cried. 'Do you know where you are? Do you know who you are?"
"Well, of course I do, Pond! I'm me! Didn't we already have this conversation? Now, I think that we need to get you out of those pants, pronto! Before anything else happens!"
Amy backed rapidly away in alarm, carefully weighing what she could say in response to that! The Doctor still looked pretty woozy, and she wasn't entirely convinced that he knew what he was saying. "Um…' she ventured tentatively... 'You mean that we need to get these Aspaxan Crystal Creatures out of my pockets?"
"Of course, Pond!' replied the Doctor, once more fumbling through his own pockets, 'That's what I just told them! Weren't you listening?"
Uncertain whether to feel relieved or disappointed at that, Amy settled for plain old confused, and began retrieving gemstones from her back pockets. The Doctor, having produced a small container from somewhere, held it out so that she could deposit the jewels inside. "Well done, Pond!' the Doctor enthused as he capped the container, 'I'm so glad we sorted that out! Shall we get back to our investigating?"
He looked as if he intended to start jogging back up the stairs again, so Amy detained him by gripping onto the container. "Hang about, you!' She demanded crossly, 'you still haven't told me what was biting me – not properly!"
"Haven't I?' asked the Doctor. Even though he looked surprised and perplexed – at least he looked more like himself than he had a moment ago. 'I thought I explained all that?' He frowned in confusion at the container of gemstones, as he reclaimed it from her. 'Didn't I explain all that?" he asked it.
"Well, you began to, Doctor,' Amy allowed generously, 'but then… I think you must have hypnotized yourself. You started singing a lullaby to my bottom!"
Looking extremely dubious at this claim, the Doctor leaned closer, peering deeply into her eyes. Unable to gather any clues that way, he asked incuriously, "really?' Then immediately shrugged it off as if it wasn't important. Instead he began to straighten out his lapels, muttering nonchalantly. 'So then, Pond, how far did I actually get?"
Amy thought for a couple of seconds, then began.
'Haroon, haroon, haroo-oo-oon,
'Haroon…"
"Not the lullaby, Pond!' The Doctor interrupted, impatiently. 'How far did I get with my explanation?"
"Oh! Not very far at all, actually! You know, Doctor, sometimes you can be a real pain in the ar…"
"Well, why don't I start again, eh?" The Time Lord interrupted again. (Even faster this time!) Smiling madly, he rubbed his hands together briskly, as if offering Amy a tempting treat…
