A/N We don't own Twilight or The Bad Mother's Handbook. We are just having a little pervy fun with the characters. OK maybe a lot of pervy fun with the characters.
Thank you ladies and pervs for all your enthusiasm and support. We loved all the reviews and alerts! Remember, this fic is rated M for a very good reason but we already know that's why you're here. :-)
Chapter 2 – Coffee and Barbells
Chapter Theme song - My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas
The sound of snoring filled my ears as I rolled over with a groan. Emmett was just as loud in his sleep as he was when he was awake. I definitely needed to get some earplugs. With a yawn and a stretch, my hand searched for the case that held my glasses. After I laid there for a few moments trying to will away my morning erection, I made the decision to head to the showers in hopes of some cold water. After grabbing my shower caddy and towel, I headed off.
It was quite early, but I passed a couple of other residents along the way. I held my towel in front of myself to cover my prominent predicament. Entering the shower room, I walked straight toward the open stall in front of me. I could hear the water running from another shower.
I stripped off my pajamas and folded them before placing them and my glasses onto the bench just outside of the shower. I entered the stall. Next, I removed my boxers, folded them in half, and then hung them over the shower stall door next to my towel.
The water was slightly cold at first, which helped my situation and I was relieved. As the water warmed up I could hear heavy breathing. I tried to ignore it, but it grew louder and I became extremely aware of two voices; male and female.
"Oh yeah, right there baby." The female panted.
"You like that, huh, you like the way I get up in that?" The male voice was deep and husky.
I leaned my head back against the shower wall, fisted the hair at the side of my head, and sighed. I was going to go insane. It had been three days, three long days, since I had felt the release from ejaculation. Though I knew it was medically impossible, my body felt as if my balls testicles were going to burst. My hand instinctively followed its primal desires. Of course my penis was fully erect and throbbing from the audio pornography that was now getting even louder.
"Oh god, yes!" She practically sang.
I fisted my penis and slowly slid my hand up my wet, soapy shaft.
"Fuck, baby, you…fuck…you are so goooooood." He growled.
My thumb circled the head of my penis and I felt the stir in my stomach. I pumped my hand downward again.
"Oh…Yes… Fuck me harder!" Now she was screaming.
I fervently stroked my erection at a pace that matched their panting and moans. My mind drifted off to picture the girl in the shower. She was bent forward in front of me, her plump round ass slamming into my pelvis as we moved in synchronization. My hands were gripped onto her fleshy love handles as I pushed into her deeply.
"Fuck, babe, I need you to cum. Give. It. To. Me!" With each word that he enunciated I slammed into the image that I held in my mind.
"Ungh…I'm…Oh fuck, I'm cumming!"
"That's it baby. Fuck yeah!" he growled and then groaned immensely loud.
"Ah..ah…hahhh…uhuhuhuhuh," I followed along with them and my semen washed down the drain. I wonder exactly how many eggs could that have possibly inseminated. I shook off the thought and reached again for my soap.
I lathered up my body, feeling the best I had in three days. Returning my soap to the plastic container, I rinsed off my body. I then grabbed my small bottle of shampoo and squeezed out what was left of it. As I lathered up my hair, I made a mental note to find a local drugstore so that I could get my prescription dandruff shampoo. It was probably a good idea to explore the campus a bit and find the bookstore.
After drying off with my towel, I slipped on the clean white boxers that I had brought along and stepped out of the shower stall. The moment I was through the door I slipped on my glasses. I heard a noise and looked to my left. I wanted to shrink back into the shower stall. Three stalls down stood a large, dark guy with a very tall, pale girl. They were wrapped in towels and I realized the sound I had heard was their sucking noises. I quickly turned my head and my attention back to getting dressed.
I slid my brown corduroy trousers on as fast as I could without stumbling into a wall or over the bench. Then I pulled my 'Carpe Diem' t-shirt over my head. I had discovered, during my research, that American's are a very t-shirt oriented people. It seemed to be a staple in most wardrobes. I had brought a few before I left England, but decided that I would simply purchase some American clothing once I got here.
The 'audio pornography' couple had gotten dressed pretty quickly, because they were passing me as I collected my things. I glanced up as they passed by.
"Hey man," the large guy tilted his chin up briefly as a greeting.
"Uh, um, hello," I gave a thin lipped, nervous smile.
The girl with him giggled and buried her head in his chest. As they continued toward the exit, my eyes immediately and inappropriately dropped to her ass. His hand was firmly placed over her right cheek with his thumb submerged into the waist of her sweatpants. Her ass was decent, but there was nearly not enough there.
On my way back to my room I began to wonder if today would be different. Would Emmett realize that I was a geek and decide that first day pleasantries were over? I sighed as I opened the door, but was resolved that today was a new day…a new life; an American life.
I was putting away my things when Emmett groaned and rolled over.
"Fuhhck!" I glanced back just as he rubbed his crotch. "What time is it man?"
I looked down at my watch.
"Is that a fucking Swatch watch?!" Emmett could not contain his laughter.
"I, uh, I think so…why?" I was confused. What was wrong with my watch?
"Dude, you really do crack me up." Emmett sat at the edge of the bunk and rubbed his face.
I shrugged. Slipping on my red cardigan sweater and my messenger bag I headed toward the door.
"Where you going?"
I turned as Emmett stood up. Holy moly! Emmett stood erect and my eyes couldn't help but land on his crotch. I quickly diverted my attention before I answered him.
"I was, uh, going to find a local chemist and…"
"You mean a pharmacist?" Emmett asked.
I nodded.
"What do you need a pharmacy for?" He was quick to question with narrowed eyes.
"Oh, I need to get some shampoo." I said quickly.
"Well, fuck, let me grab a quick shower and a change. We can head out together." Emmett traipsed over to his dresser and grabbed some things.
I stood dumbfounded. He still wanted to hang out with me. This was a complete surprise. Perhaps I have already changed away from that geek I once was. I stood a little taller and prouder.
Emmett brought me out of my thoughts. "Oh, dude, you should definitely get yourself some flip-flops for the shower. Those fucking stalls are a goddamn breeding ground for foot fungus." He shuddered as he slipped into his flip-flops.
While Emmett took his shower I decided to go down to the front desk and see if I could get some campus information. I was in luck, on the desk sat a stand with brochures. I grabbed a UW campus map and a New Student Guide. Once back in the room I sat at the desk and began to look through them carefully.
I had barely gotten through the student guide when Emmett came back into the room.
"You weren't joking when you said quick shower." I smiled and pushed my glasses back up my nose. That was when I realized that Emmett was in a large fluffy blue robe
"It doesn't take long when you look like this." His smile was broad and he posed with flexed arms. I shook my head and snorted. Secretly I wished that I had that body.
With that thought, Emmett dropped his robe and stood naked in the middle of our room. If I thought he was impressive with clothing on, hell if he wasn't ridiculously built with them off.
"Oh shit, Danny boy, you have to hear about the dream I had last night." He didn't dress quickly enough and I couldn't take my eyes from his…er…well it was practically bouncing around as he moved. "The two girls were all over me man; one was straddled over my face while the other was riding my cock like a fucking jockey." He sighed heavily. "It was fucking hot man!"
Emmett finally slid on some underwear and my attention broke away from the trance his king cobra had put me in. No wonder he had Rose and Alice.
"Did you hear me? Hello, Danny boy, you there?" Emmett's hands were waving in my face.
"Oh, sorry, yes?"
He chuckled and shook his head. "Come on, I am going to get you acquainted with American Coffee, instead of that shit girls drink at parties." He motioned me to follow him, so I did.
Along the way down the hallway, I watch has Emmett peaks inside a partially open door. "Hey Shortcake, you are looking cute today." Even from where I was standing I could see him wink at her. The inside the room giggled and gave him a small wave.
"Dude, she seems really nice and has a decent ass." He winked at me and I felt my cheeks warm up. "I don't' know her name, but when I find out I will introduce you."
"So she doesn't mind you just sticking your head into her room like that?"
Emmett gave me a questioning look.
"Well, you said that you don't know her name, so I assume she doesn't know yours."
He shrugged and then clapped my on the back. I swear that he is going to dislocate something on me before the week is up.
"Danny boy, you need to understand that American girls like attention. They want you to make that extra effort to 'get' to them. Ya understand what I'm saying? Besides, her door was open."
I didn't, but I just nodded. Apparently, these girls want you to do spontaneous things and didn't mind your intrusion if you flattered them. Hmm...
Making our way down the hallway we came upon two more lovely girls. Emmett stopped to smile and say hello.
"Ladies, this here is Daniel Gale, my new roommate. He came all the way over here from England."
I smiled, I was totally embarrassed.
"Daniel, this is Amy and this is Tina."
"Pleasure to meet you." I replied.
As we walked away Emmett whispered a little too loudly. "Did you check out the rack on Amy? Ahh, I just want stick my face between them and Mhmmhm. Then there's Tina, she just dazzles me with that fucking sly smile and what an ass!" He slapped my chest and I gasped for air. "Dude, there are a lot of fine ladies living on our floor. We need to get you hooked up."
"Emmett, I really don't think that is necessary I came here to get a degree so I could apply for medical school and-"
I stopped as Emmett stared at me with a look of complete bewilderment.
"You don't wanna get some pussy?" he asked.
"Well I would like that as long as I didn't catch a venereal disease or impregnate a girl. It is just that my main focus is on my studies."
"Dude, there is plenty of time for both. You need to lighten up Danny Boy. It's a good thing we were assigned as roommates, my friend."
I couldn't help but smile inside as being called his friend.
Suddenly, a hard tug to my arm stopped me from walking.
"We are here." Emmett announced.
"Where?" I looked around. This isn't a pharmacy or even the bookstore.
"This is the Husky Union Building, aka the HUB. They have food, games, and student organizations," he said nonchalantly. "Hey Angela!" Emmett announced as he pulled me toward a stand that smelled of coffee. "Danny boy here is not used to coffee, he's a tea loving Brit. Give us two non-fat, triple venti mochas. Please?" He tacked the 'please' on with a sickeningly sweet smile.
"You're from England huh?" Angela's voice was sweet and perky. However, my attention was immediately drawn to her tight pink t-shirt. Her personality wasn't the only thing perky about her.
"Um, yes," I answered with my eyes glued to the outline of what I assumed were two nipple piercings. I couldn't look away. They were blatantly taunting me to the fact that they were there and that she was braless and she was chilled.
Angela produced two large lidded cups to Emmett with a warm smile.
"Thanks Ang." He winked at her. "I've got to school the Brit." He chuckled.
I scoffed at him. Did he truly believe that we didn't have coffee in the UK?
"Dude, calm the fuck down," he whispered, "I am trying to get you some pussy."
"Well, if you ever have any questions," Angela motioned toward the coffee stand around her, "just let me know and I will help you out."
Emmett nudged my arm and it took all my strength to not grab the pulsing area. That was going to bruise. I looked at him incredulously and he motioned with his head for me to follow him.
I quickly turned to Angela as we walked away. "Thank you for the coffee, Angela. It was nipple…I, uh, I mean nice to meet you." I felt the blush on my face as I hurried away from the stand. Emmett was of course in tears from his laughter. I covered my face and groaned.
"Oh fuck, Danny boy, that was priceless," he howled.
I groaned again.
After a couple of deep breaths he was finally able to speak normally again. "Don't let it bother you, man. They are mesmerizing." He seemed to get lost in thought for a moment. "No one can stop staring at those, they stare right back at you, practically probing your brain." He shrugged. "Besides she does it on purpose for tips."
"Really?" I was flabbergasted.
"Fuck yeah," he exclaimed. "That's why I gave her an extra ten bucks."
I chuckled at his grin.
"We should head to the book store and then we can go over to Target up at Northgate." Emmett changed the topic abruptly and we started walking again.
"Will we take the bus?" I asked as we approached a bus stop. I was eager to see the whole campus and to experience everything.
"Hell no, what we need is a sweet ride and I know just who to go to." His smile was mischievous. "Let me make a call."
I sipped at my coffee and took in the beautiful campus around me as Emmett made his call.
"Okay, it's all handled. We need to head over to Rose and Alice's." Emmett gave my arm a quick tug and we started in a different direction.
"Does Rose have a car?" I asked between sips.
Emmett nodded his head. "No but my girl, Bella, does and she just got here."
We arrived to the dorm building, which was conveniently located next to ours. After taking the elevator up a couple of floors, Emmett led us to a door. He pounded on the door. "Open up, it's a panty raid!" He yelled through the door.
"Settle your ass down McCarty!" A voice yelled as the door swung open.
"Baby girl!" His arms wrapped around the girl in front of him. As he swung her in a circle he entered the room. I slowly followed and stayed standing in the open doorway. "When did you get here?" he placed her down on her feet.
"Last night," she answered with a large smile. The girl was amazingly attractive. She had long mahogany colored hair, translucent fair skin, a heart shaped face, and…holy gods of derrieres…she had the most amazing backside I had ever seen. Her figure was divine. Jealousy began to set in with the familiarity that Emmett had with her.
"Danny boy," I jerked out of my thoughts and looked to Emmett, "this is Bella. She is one of my oldest and bestest friends ever." Then he turned to Bella. "Bella, this is Danny-boy."
"Um, Daniel," I corrected and stuck out my hand.
Bella reached out and shook my hand. My eyes connected to the chocolate brown eyes that she was looking back at me with. "It's nice to meet you." She released my hand and I wanted to grab her by her full hips to stay near me. "Don't let this beast annoy you too much."
Emmett faked hurt. "I can't believe that you would say such a thing to the boy who used to make mud pies with you." Bella laughed and he turned his attention to me. With a not so quiet whisper he stated, "She used to pin me down and make me eat them." He smiled and then continued. "And sometimes I still like her to pin me down and have her way with me."
There was a loud slap as Bella's hand hit him in the chest. "You are horrible!" He just laughed louder.
"So, who wants to ride me, I mean, give me a ride to the bookstore?" Emmett wrapped his arm around Bella's shoulders. "Baby girl?" he wiggled his brow at her.
Rose sighed. "Why do I put up with this?"
"Because he has a huge cock," Alice chimed in and everyone looked at her.
"That, he does." Rose shrugged.
Bella grabbed her purse. "We can all fit in the car, but it will be tight."
"I am going to be stuck in the middle again." Alice groaned
"Don't hate the bug Alice!" Bella teased and walked passed her.
We all headed toward the car, but my eyes were fixated on the 'holy grail of asses'.
God bless America.
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