When they were settled on the floor of Beck's RV it was time to read the journal. This time they'd drawn straws to see who had to read and Beck had pulled the short one. He didn't want to read Tori's diary aloud, wasn't sure he could handle it even if he did want to know what was inside, but found with the other's staring at him that he had very little choice in the matter. He cleared his throat. You can do this, he thought to himself before he opened his mouth to read.
"30 March 2010
Dear diary
Its happening again, the nightmares, and I don't know how to stop them. I think I'm going to go crazy soon, I feel like I'm going to explode. I can't count the amount of times I've woken up screaming since it happened. Every night its the same. The same nightmare over and over every night. I always wake up screaming and feeling like I can't breathe. But you know what the worst part is? The worst part is that no matter how many times I wake up screaming, no one ever comes to my rescue. They don't even come to make sure I'm okay. They never have, not once. I guess they just don't care about me anymore. To be honest, I wouldn't either if I were them, but we're family and it still hurts to know that they don't care about me anymore. I hate myself enough for what happened to Mom, do they really need to torture me too? I guess I do deserve it, though it doesn't make it any easier. One of my nightmares just woke me up and though I screamed and suffocated, no one came.
I've been trying to distract myself for the past hour, to get the thoughts out of my head, but nothing seems to be working. Nothing except for the one thing I know deep down I shouldn't be thinking about. Or the one person rather." Beck faltered not sure whether he could read the next word on the page. He swallowed hard and tried to keep his voice level, "Beck. He's all I can think about. I know it's wrong, and that he has a girlfriend, but I can't help it. There was something in his brown eyes that gave me hope, something that told me that it was going to be okay. Even if I don't really believe it, it's still a nice thought to have. He makes me feel safe, secure and wanted, which is something I haven't been able to feel since my mother died. I know it's wrong to think of him this way, and that the new Tori I'm trying to be wouldn't want to break up Beck and Jade, but it's difficult. All I can ever think about is the feel of his lips against mine. Its all that comforts me when things get to be too much, when I can't stand living anymore. I know that sounds awfully pathetic, but it's true." Beck stopped. He couldn't read anymore. His eyes met Jade's from across the circle to see her face was remote, but her eyes held the faint sign of tears willing to spring free. Beck looked away quickly and his eyes found the floor. He closed the diary. "I think that's enough for tonight." He said and the other's nodded. After all, it wasn't everyday you found out your dead best friend had a crush on you.
Andre couldn't think properly. He'd already driven Robbie home, Jade had taken Cat, and was now sitting in his car idling around the corner from his house. He couldn't get Tori out of his mind. She was his best friend in the whole wide world, but deep down he'd always wanted them to be more than that. He'd always wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship with Tori Vega, but it was something that had always seemed to be too far out of his reach. He never thought that someone so perfect would ever fall for someone like him, but now he was learning that maybe she wasn't so perfect after all. Andre just wished she had of told him about this stuff, had of let him know she was suffering so he could be there for her. All he'd ever wanted was to be there for her, but he'd always thought she hadn't needed him. He thought that someone so perfect as Tori Vega couldn't possibly need the help of someone like him. He hit his hands against the steering wheel. Why hadn't she just let him in? He didn't care that she had feelings for Beck, he had just wanted her to be happy, because he really was in love with her. He still was. But now she was dead and he'd never know what could've happened between them or what their futures might have been like. But the worst part was now Tori didn't have a future at all, with him or otherwise.
Jade picked up Tori's diary. She wasn't sure she wanted to read what was inside of it due to that last entry, but they'd all agreed to do this and they were going to see it through. No matter what they found.
'2 April 2010
Dear Diary
It's been a few days since I've last written to you, and for that I am sorry. But so much has been happening. I'm writing songs again! My mother used to love it when I made up songs for her when I was a kid. She always encouraged me to pursue it and I knew she'd been disappointed when I had stopped writing, so I know she'd be proud of me now. I'm writing with this insanely talented guy named Andre and his music is absolutely incredible. When I write with him I feel alive, I feel like there is more to this world than just I know. Hearing him makes me want to find that part of the world. To find that place that makes feel special and see things as they are, as more than a perception someone is pushing onto me. I know it sounds corny but I can't help it. When I'm writing and singing I feel free for the first time since my mother died. I " Jade stopped. She looked to the others and shrugged, "That's where the entry stops. It just cuts off there."
"Maybe she got interrupted? Trina was probably bugging her for a pair of shoes or something." Cat said with a shrug.
"I don't know." Replied Jade and then turned the page. She looked at it for a second trying to place what was off about it. The page looked like had water spilled on it or something, because there were little blotches all of the page, but it was more than that. There was something off about it, something that made Jade's stomach drop and nauseousness creep up on her...
There was blood on the page.
