I wake up to the smell of man – all-man. On my front, I'm faced away from the sight I want to behold. For now, his scent is all I have. But then I feel his hand on me, caressing my body. It's tender – I enjoy it – then it stops. I can feel him leave the bed, hear the shower on. I daren't join. I feel... uneasy. Like a weight should have been lifted but hasn't been. I don't know whether it ever will be. But I need to return to my family and do what I can to limit the damage I've done to them. I need to show them that I haven't 'run away', that I am a man of honour, that they are everything to me. And I mean it. I need to go to them now.

I'm halfway out of bed when Christian re-enters. But... my god, his bandage is off – well, of course it would be, he had a shower – but I forgot. The whole area around his lower ribcage is black, green in places.

"What did you think? It was fine under there?"

Oh god, I must have been staring.

"Don't worry, Sy," he said, cracking a smile.

I smiled back gratefully. I hadn't meant to look horrified, if that's what showed on my face. Really, I'm just concerned – terribly concerned. I hate that he's been attacked, I hate that I can see the evidence all over him.

"I guess you're off?"

"No. Yes. I mean... I have to go. But look at you."

His face changed – he looks so sad suddenly. "Mm."

"You should go to hospital or something."

"I did. They've let me out now. Anyway... these aren't the bruises that hurt."

That was low. "What do you want me to do, Christian? 'Be with you', right? Cos it's so simple."

"Y'know, I didn't ask you to come here and rub it in my face!"

"I came here because I was concerned. And I stayed because you'd been beaten up and I didn't want you to be alone. Why can't you see that?"

"Well if these were the 'good intention' awards, you'd be up on that stage, but it's real life, Syed."

"I know!" Did he have to be so facetious?

"And in real life, there wasn't a bone in my body that thought this would play out any differently. I knew last night was a one-off. I knew you'd be your predictable self. No nasty surprises when it comes to Syed Masood."

"Right, well, I'll just go, shall I? Seeing as my presence is offensive. Maybe I can go and get told the same thing at home. It'll only be what I deserve, won't it?"

Sod this. I make to leave but he grabs my arm.

"No, Sy, don't."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"That's not a reason."

"It's my reason."

He put his hand on my face. I couldn't move. There he was, bruised yes, but... my god, it was still his body on show. It was still his huge frame, his broad chest, his giant biceps, his manly chest hair. I'm a rabbit in the headlights, staring, until he wakes me again with his kiss. It's hungry and wet but then he makes a sound and his voice breaks. He's still kissing me but... he's upset. I break it off.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he says, but he's looking down.

"You can tell me."

"I just... I don't want you to go."

I look at his blackened ribs again and his bruised face, his cut above his brow. I couldn't leave if I wanted to.

"I won't leave."

"Stay with me today?"

How could I resist? "Yeah. OK."

Oh, his smile is adorable. He grabs my hands and links his fingers with mine. His face – I can't get over it – it's... how could anyone deny him?


He made me breakfast – home-made fruit smoothie. He's so good to me. He sticks on a couple of CD's he knows I like and we lie cuddling on the sofa for a couple of hours. He's in and out of sleep but I can't sleep. Not now. I'm overwhelmed – mostly because I can't believe I'm here with him, it's all so perfect. I can feel his bulge up against me but I try to block that from my mind – it's too dangerous a thought to have. But then, every now and then, I think of the other reason I came back. The main reason. My family, my parents – and I'm consumed by guilt. It's eating away at me. Between this and getting distracted by Christian up against me, I feel like a terrible person. It destroys the peace I would otherwise feel around him.

He stirs. He opens his eyes and immediately grins from ear to ear. Oh... it's the sweetest thing.

"Hello handsome."

"Christian," I reply, smiling.

His face changes and I can feel why – I feel him dig into me, into my leg.

"Um... ignore it. I didn't will that."

"It's okay."

"It'll go in a sec."

"It's fine, Christian."

He pulls down his shorts a little so I can feel him bare. Bare, against my bare leg. It's... breaking my will power. I can feel him on my skin and he's looking at me with a reluctant lust. I can't react but he takes my stillness as a lack of denial and moves himself against me. I want to reach down but I can't. My mind is really starting to struggle. Then he stops.

"Sorry, Sy."

"Don't be."

"I'm not trying to make things difficult for you. I just... can't resist you sometimes. You know... why."

Oh god, why did he have to say that? He's so open about his feelings, it makes me feel guilty. I don't want to hurt this man. I adore him. There's a hope in his eyes that there wasn't yesterday. Have I lead him on? I just wanted him to have someone whilst he's still healing from what Qadim did to him. I can't... offer him anything else. I get up from the sofa and head to the bathroom. I can't let him see me in conflict.


I sigh. My toothbrush is still there – all this time, he's never thrown it away. I saw it last time I was here, when I committed such a wealth of sins, but I forgot about it. I brush my teeth trying to get the thoughts of that last time out of my head. Because after that time, what had I done? I'd gone on to commit further sin in my flat. My flat that was not just mine. What an awful thing to do.

I steady myself and re-enter the living room. He's on his feet, still just in shorts but I block out any thought that would otherwise come to me.

"I'm really grateful... that you're here. I know it can't be easy for you. But I'm really glad."

"It's nothing."

"It means a lot to me."

"Really, it's nothing."

"Well, there's no one else I'd rather be here. You're my favourite person in the world."

"Don't be silly."

"You are. You're special."

I laugh nervously. He can't mean it.

"You're kind, and funny and thoughtful. You're really beautiful. I think you're a really beautiful person."

Oh, I don't like compliments. I'm undeserving of them for one.

"And one day, I hope, you'll see what I see."

I smile. "I'm quite happy with what I can see right now."

He grins again, looking naughty all of a sudden. "Come here."

He embraces me, gently, still mindful of his bruises. His hands travel down my back and under the elastic of my shorts. It's bliss, it really is, being in his arms. I feel protected, safe. He kisses me softly, his teeth tugging gently at my bottom lip. I adore it when he does that. His tongue finds mine and I'm lost in his taste. Oh god, I'm his – I'm definitely his.