CHAPTER 3
Last night, after Emily left my home, I poured myself a glass of whiskey, grabbed the Book and walked upstairs. As soon as I left them on the bedside table, I unzipped the blue dress and let it fall at the ground. I took and wore a black lace nightgown. I could finally lay down on my bed and enjoy that whiskey burning down my throat.
I started working on the Book over and over. Despite the fact that I was extremely exhausted, I kept working, or better, I kept distracting myself as long as I could. I knew what I'd have thought or even dreamt about whenever I turned the lights off. Andrea and her beautiful big brown eyes. I spent the entire day thinking about her and I hoped to see her when she was supposed to deliver the Book. I couldn't do that to myself. I couldn't let my emotions control my life like that. It was 4am when I eventually turned the lights off.
I'm now slowly waking up. For the first time in a very long time I overslept. I turn to the bedside table and take a fast look at the clock on it. 10.30pm. What the hell? I can't even remember the last time I slept so many hours in one single night. I turn around with every intention to ignore what time it is. Ignore the world around me, at least for a little while longer.
The rain is pounding on the window. In a different situation I would've hated it more than anything but not this morning. I find the sound of the rain relaxing and very calming, so I grab the blankets and completely cover myself, feeling even more comfortable.
KNOCK. KNOCK.
Are you kidding me? How the hell it can be? I refuse to walk out of the bed. If it's Stephen, then he has the key to let himself in. The twins are at their grandmother's, so it can't be them. An emergency? I doubt that. Every muscle of my body refuses to leave the bed, but I force myself to go down and see who it is as they don't stop knocking.
I walk downstairs without even wondering how I look. Walking barefooted, I can feel the cold floor. A rare feeling I grant myself when I'm at home alone. I wrap myself in the black nightgown, tying the belt around my waist.
KNOCK. KNOCK.
'I'm coming!' I say taking the last few steps toward the front door. 'W – Who is it?'
'It's me, M – Miranda. It's Andrea.'
Did I hear it right? Am I still sleeping or something? Is this a nightmare I'm gonna wake up from only when my second assistant will stab me with a knife?
After a long hesitation I open the door and there she is. My second assistant, standing in front of my front door in this rainy day. She's not wearing a heavy makeup, just a bit of mascara which makes her eyes even more beautiful. 'Andrea? What are you doing here? You're trembling –'
'That's probably because I've been standing out here for the last hour wondering if it was the right thing to do.' Despite the apparent terror in her eyes, she's still smiling. 'No-foam, skimmed latte with an extra shot?' She stretches her arm toward me, handing over a Starbucks glass.
'You spent the last hour in front of my house so I assume that coffee is as frozen as you are.' I take the Starbucks coffee from her hand and immediately realize how wrong I was.
'Oh no. No! I – I just bought it. I know you like your coffee only when it's searing hot. So when I came back, I had no more excuses but to knock at your door.'
'Silly girl. Come in.' There it is. The terrified look on her face appears on her face as soon as I invited her inside. 'It's okay. It's just me.' I admit huskily. She just nods her head before to start walking towards me. I lead the way over the living room. 'You have the key, why didn't you use it?'
'I know but I have it only because of the Book and I'm not here as you assistant now.'
'You're surely not.' I take a long sip of coffee forcing my mind to stop fantasizing. I'm good reading between the lines, but it's not easy with Andrea. I hope she meant something in particular with those words, but at the same time I'm afraid she's here to quit. 'Have a seat?'
When I sit down on the couch, I see Andrea standing on the edge of the door without any intention to take another step. I assume we both had the same déjà vu about Stephen. Damn! I hate that she's in so much pain because of me.
'I – it's okay. I don't plan to stay here more than necessary.' Her voice is cold as ice.
'You don't have to worry about that, Andrea. He's not coming.' I need to reassure her, I don't want to see her walking away once again. I won't be able to handle it. 'Please, have a seat.'
Andrea takes off her coat and takes few steps toward me before to sit on the couch right next to me. I've never been so close to her like I am right now. She's wearing a grey sweat suit and sneakers, and yet she's so gorgeous.
'I need to apologize to you, Miranda. For the other night, and yesterday, and last night. I –'
'You don't have to –'
'Miranda, please.' She stretches her arm and holds my hand. 'Let me finish first, because I'm afraid I will never be able to tell you everything I need to, if you stop me.' I silently nod my head, trying to not think of her hand on mine. 'I know I messed up, completely. I did my best avoid you, not as the Editor-in-Chief of Runway or as my boss but as Miranda. I wasn't upset for what Stephen did to me. But you and that pure terror in your eyes, I – I couldn't.' Andrea takes a pause fighting back the tears. I wish I could just take her in my arms, hug her tight and never let her go, but I can't. 'I panicked thinking of what he might have done to you, I wanted to stay here and make sure that you were okay but your private life shouldn't be my business. So, I walked away.'
Shouldn't. My private life shouldn't be her business and yet she cares deeply about me. More than anybody.
'I couldn't bear that look. Not again. That's the reason why I ignored your note yesterday. I couldn't talk about that. I'm sorry, Miranda. I really am.' Andrea looks away, wiping the tear that is tracing her cheek.
'But you are here now.' Damn! Why I can't keep my mouth shut?
'Because keeping this from you was killing me inside. I needed to tell you the truth. You can fire me now and I'd accept it –'
'Wait, what? Fire you?' I interrupt her again.
'Yes. I'd understand if my feelings and this situation make you feel uncomfortable working with me.' She pulls back her hand. A feeling of emptiness is filling my heart now.
'I would never do that, Andrea. I'm sorry for what Stephen did and said to you. But I think that what happened opened both your eyes and mine. That's why I'm gonna get a divorce.' I admit it. I had to tell her.
'W – What? Divorce?' She is more shocked than ever imagined. 'It's all my fault, Miranda –'
Now I'm the one who stretches my arm to hold her hand. She's trembling. 'Don't think that, Andrea. It's not your fault. As your relationship with Nate, my marriage was on the edge knife. I couldn't stop thinking of the way he hurt you, I was really mad. So, after you left, I went to him and – and the fight continued. Until I told him to leave and not come back.'
I don't want to be married to a man that he's so easily willing to raise his hands when he drinks too much. If he rose his hands on me, it wouldn't have bothered me that much. But on Andrea. I can't forgive him for that.
'See you hurt like that broke my heart.' I'm gently caressing my thumb on the back of her hand.
Andrea is slowly getting closer. I can feel her warm breath against my skin. She's not fighting her feelings, not anymore, but she is still unsure. My heart is beating so fast that could jump out of my chest in any moment. Andrea opened her heart and so did I, why are we both hesitating? I get closer and press my lips against hers. My eyes close automatically, I want to enjoy the sweet taste of her lips fully. No regrets.
Andrea raises her free hand and gently caresses my cheek, kissing me with passion. I don't know what's wrong with me but I pull back, breaking the kiss. Maybe I'm just too scared of following my heart after so many years.
'Miranda. I'm sorry.' Andrea lowers her face fast. 'God. I'm an idiot.'
'Ehi.' I still hold her hand tight, I'm not gonna let walk away again. So, I move my free hand and raise her head by her chin. 'My beautiful Andrea.' Those words surprised both of us. Am I even allowed to call her mine? I have no idea, but I love that sound. My Andrea.
'D – do you feel the –'
'The same? I don't know but I liked it.' A big smile appears on her face. The most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I need to kiss those beautiful lips again and again. We are so close to kiss but Andrea's phone starts ringing.
'Damn it.' Andrea whispers. I lower my face and look away as she releases my hand and grabs the phone from her bag on the table in front of us. 'I need to take this. Would you excuse me for a minute?'
I nod my head without saying anything. I follow her with my eyes as she walks out of the living room.
She's not leaving, right? She'll come back to me. She has to.
'Hello?'
Timing isn't exactly Nate's best attribute. I didn't talk to him in the past thirty-six hours and, to be honest, I didn't even feel the urgency to call him. He was still mad at me but I had some other problems to deal with first. I'm not sure I would consider them problems, because what Stephen did was a mistake, I don't want to talk about anymore, and Miranda.. God, Miranda was the solution.
I have no idea of what pushed me to show up in front of her townhouse this morning, but it turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My heart leaped when I saw Miranda in that black lace nightgown. Her hair was a mess, no makeup and yet she was so incredibly flawless.
'H – hi Andy.' Apparently he didn't thought I'd pick up. 'I want to apologize for what happened. I drank to many shots and I overreacted.' That night, not one but two men drank too much and hurt me, physically and emotionally. What's new? I don't say a thing, I let him continue. 'I thought that if you're at home we could talk. I really want to fix this.'
'I'm not at home.' The tone of my voice is colder than I expected. I have no intentions of telling him that I'm at Miranda's, it's none of his business. 'I know you never approved this job, you never even tried to like it, but I do –'
'You really like bring her coffee and do whatever she asks you to, like a puppet?'
'It's more than that!' I say firmly. He will never understand. 'M – Miranda can be my future.'
'W – what are you talking about?'
Good question. What am I talking about? My boss or the person I'm falling in love with? I bite my lower lip thinking of that kiss. The way our lips met so delicately. I need more.
'I mean, I finally have a chance to become a journalist. It's what I always wanted to be, you know it. Miranda is that person who can help me. Yes, I had some moments of weakness but that doesn't mean I don't like what I do. That I don't like working for Miranda.' My heart is taking control this phone call.
'Andy, please. Can we –'
'Nate. Look.' I feel bad interrupting him but I thought about it a dozen of times and nothing is gonna change my mind. 'Do you remember what you told me when I was so close to quit this job?' I doubt he knows where I'm going with this.
'I was happy for you.'
'Yes, you were but you also said that I was finally free. You think I'm trapped in this job, that I'm wasting my life because of it. You believe I deserve more, but right now I couldn't wish for anything better.' My mind jumps once again on that sweet kiss. 'What I do believe is that you deserve better. I – I see our relationship in the same way you see my job.'
'Are you breaking with me? Andy, we can work it out. We always find a solution.' He has the biggest heart on this planet. He's right, we always managed somehow, finding a solution to every obstacle but the point is: I already have a solution that doesn't include him.
'Nate, I adore you. You're a good guy but I'm not gonna put aside my job. Maybe, one day, I will be able to love someone the way they truly deserve, but not now.' I say huskily.
'I don't think I can wait for you forever.' Those words hurt me more than I ever expected.
'I don't want you to. Nate, you deserve a woman who can put you first, no matter what and.. and I can't.'
Not now or ever.
'I hope you know what you're doing, Andy. I really do. Take care.'
'You too, Nate.'
I hang up, lowering my face as I put my phone in the pocket of my sweatshirt. I didn't lie. I don't think I have enough time to love anybody right now. This job means so much to me that I have to put aside some other aspects of life, love included. I can't throw away all the hard work for someone, not even for Nate. I'm just few steps away from my dream to become real, I need to stay strong. Nobody can understand this complicated and messy situation. Perhaps, nobody except Miranda. That fascinating woman who hired me less than a year ago to be her second assistant. A woman who took my side against her own husband. The same woman I dared kissing just few minute before.
'Are you okay?'
I turn fast and I see Miranda standing just few steps away from me. I can see in her eyes that she's worried for me. Again. I take a deep breath, trying to push Nate's matter behind me, once and for all.
'How long have you been there?'
'Enough.' I feel horrible. I didn't want her to hear that conversation. 'What am I to you?' Her boss tone of voice is back and I can't understand if she's pissed or disappointed.
'W – what?'
'I know that girls like you use me to have the job they always wanted. I could write a book of people who only used me for their own purposes, I don't bother. I've had hundreds of assistants who worship the magazine but I knew they were more interested in what I could afford them. A million girls would kill for that job. But not you.' She's staring straight into my eyes that I can barely stand her glance. 'So, what am I to you, Andrea Sachs?'
'Miranda, if – if this is about what I said to Nate, I'm sorry. You're not just a mean to an end. Not to me. He would've never understood, I had to say it.' I screwed up, again. At the beginning I honestly believed that Miranda was just a mean to my end but not anymore. Not after that kiss.
'He would've never understood what?'
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have one last chance to prove Miranda how deeply I care about her. I only saw her as my boss for several months and nothing more, but I can't fight my feelings anymore. It's now or never.
'This!' I walk fast towards her that she can't realize what's about to happen. I take her face in my hands and press my lips against hers. It's so unexpected that Miranda's back falls against the wall behind her. I slowly trace my tongue on her closed lips. To my surprise, she doesn't pull me back, she moves her hands on my hips instead.
There is no turning back now.
I move my lips on her neck and I start sucking, as my left hand find its way down Miranda's body. When I find the end of the nightgown, I start wandering under it.
'Oh God… Andrea!' Miranda moans loudly. The best sound I've ever heard. 'Andrea. Not – not here.' She grabs my wrist and stops me.
'M – Miranda? I – I thought that's what you wanted too.' I wish I could take a step back but her other hand is still on my hips.
'You silly girl. I never said I don't want it. I just said not here.'
I can't believe Miranda just admitted it, not directly but still. She wants me, as much as I want her. My heart is beating fast, just like when we kissed on the couch.
'Come with me.' She whispers before to take my hand and lead me upstairs.
CONTINUED IN CHAPTER 4.
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