He'd missed his lightsaber practice. Anakin scowled at the wall opposite of the bed the healer from the hall had placed him in. Why did such a trivial thing bother him so much? Someone had just been tortured and if they hadn't died already, they would be dead shortly. He knew that should bother him far more than missing his lightsaber practice, but it didn't. That fact did.
Perhaps some habits were never unlearned. He found the revelation about himself to be quite disturbing.
At the moment, he wanted nothing more than to be away from the hospital wing and his unnerving thoughts. He hated just sitting around when he could be doing something productive. They'd examined him and pronounced him to be physically sound. So why couldn't they just let him leave? He'd asked (demanded) and been told that they had to wait for test results as a general policy before they could release him. He'd forgotten about that particularly hated policy.
Sighing, he went back to staring at the wall. He may not be in the same room as his former master, but he found it ironic that they would end up in healer's wing at the same time, albeit for completely different reasons.
He tried to relax himself, but found the techniques he used to be only marginally effective. Then his eyes turned to the door as the healer from earlier, one Knight Tokpoffi, finally came walking back into the room. He smiled warmly at Anakin.
"Well, it seems all of the tests have come back, and you're in perfect health."
Anakin resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Of course he was in perfect health.
The man frowned thoughtfully. "We don't know why you had an attack like that, but we'll definitely keep an eye on it."
"Thank you," Anakin said as politely as he could. "May I go now?"
"Of course," the knight said. "But please come back if it happens again."
"Yes, sir," Anakin replied, trying not to rip the sheets off of him as he climbed out of bed.
"Have a good day," Knight Tokpoffi called after him as he walked briskly down the hall, keeping a lookout for Obi-wan. There was a real possibility they could run into each other here after all, and Anakin had had enough for now. It wasn't that he disliked being around Obi-wan, he just...didn't know how to act around him anymore. Anakin shouldn't (couldn't) treat him like his master, nor did he want to treat him as an enemy, but there was too much between them, even if only from Anakin's side, to interact with him as an acquaintance. He honestly didn't know what to do and so thus wanted to simply avoid—
A twinge in the Force had him stopping and backing up almost without him realizing. Someone familiar occupied a room he'd just passed. Peeking in, he realized he couldn't see them from the door because the bed was situated so that a passer by couldn't just look in and glimpse anything more than that this room was occupied. So he walked in carefully, eying the bed as it came into view.
Then his breath caught in his throat. On the twin-sized mattress lay a woman with blond hair spread around her like a halo. She had various contraptions locked onto her mouth and nose, but that didn't stop Anakin from recognizing her immediately.
"Siri Tachi," he whispered.
xXx
Obi-wan cared deeply for Bant. She had always been the closest thing he'd had to a sister and she'd gotten him out of (and into) more than one scrape. That did not in any way change how he felt about the healer's wing. Knight or not, he wanted out. Now.
Unfortunately he'd come to the conclusion once he'd become a senior padawan that he could no longer give into such childish impulses. Now that he was a knight, that wasn't about to change. If anything, he felt he had to be even more strict with himself.
The biggest problem was knowing that Qui-gon wasn't going to walk in that door at any minute to scold him for being reckless and tell him that he'd gotten what he deserved. Just after Bant had left him alone to tend to her other duties it hadn't been so hard, but as the minutes wore on, the room began to feel even more claustrophobic than usual.
Finally, after two standard hours, being unable to sleep or even meditate, he'd had enough. He'd promised to stay in the healer's wing overnight. Surely that didn't mean he had to stay in his room. A short, calming walk wouldn't hurt him or anyone else.
Besides, this happened to be the first time he'd really had enough time between assignments to do much more than prepare for upcoming missions. He'd actually been rather lucky. Despite the difficult assignments that normally came with knighthood, he hadn't been admitted to the healers wing before. He felt that fact attested more to Qui-gon's training than it did to his own personal skill.
Truthfully there was someone he'd been meaning to visit. Now he actually had the time and happened to be in the same area, albeit with less than desirable circumstances than he would have preferred, but still... Surely Bant wouldn't be too upset with him if he went for a visit now.
Still, sneaking around the healers would probably be prudent. The less she knew, the less she could get angry about, after all.
He would never admit out loud that Bant sometimes scared him more than Master Windu did.
Which is how he found himself suppressing his force presence as he sneaked around the different healers and other Jedi that had come to the wing. He actually found that he rather enjoyed the self-given mission, ignoring the immaturity of it altogether. Of course, he would have an interesting time explaining himself if he were caught by...well, anyone, but he found that that didn't bother him in the slightest.
He was rather proud of himself for finding her room without being seen once. That all vanished in surprise when he walked into her room only to see a small figure watching her with what looked like utter shock.
Curious. Why should Anakin, who couldn't have possibly met Siri before, be surprised to see a random person in the healer's wing?
"Anakin?" he asked softly. The boy jumped and whirled around as if he'd been caught doing something wrong.
"Master," he said out of reflex. Obi-wan frowned. Almost immediately, the former slave caught himself. "I mean Obi-wan," he amended, looking as if he were mentally kicking himself. "I mean, Knight Kenobi."
The red-head smiled. "Don't worry, you'll get used to it in time; being your own master." Anakin snorted and looked away, causing Obi-wan to frown again. "I know it may not seem like it now, but time heals all wounds."
"I don't think I can agree with that," the boy muttered bitterly.
Somehow, Obi-wan knew he wouldn't be able to change the boy's mind, and decided against protesting. Some things one had to find out for themselves. They stood there in an awkward silence for several seconds before the knight cleared his throat.
"So, may I ask why you're in here? If I didn't know any better I'd say you'd just seen a ghost." It was a pathetic attempt to lighten the mood. As such, it had the opposite effect.
"She just...looks like someone I knew," the boy answered quietly. Immediately Obi-wan could tell Anakin was keeping something back.
"Oh? Who?" he asked cautiously.
The blond boy glanced back at Siri uncomfortably. "Someone my former master used to know."
Ah, that explained a lot. "I see," Obi-wan said quietly. "Someone you had a difficult time with?"
Anakin bit his lip. "Something like that."
The knight brought a hand up to his chin thoughtfully. It wasn't something that they normally had to deal with, but he wondered if he should get Anakin to see a mind healer about abuse. It may not be his place, he wasn't the boy's master after all, but he would suggest it to Master Yoda the next time their paths crossed. Perhaps it was even more necessary to get him into a mind healer because he didn't have a master yet.
He filed the thought away for later.
"Well," he spoke up as he walked over to take a seat, gesturing for Anakin to do so as well. The boy looked uncomfortable, but sat down anyway after a slight pause. "Let me introduce you."
"She's in a coma."
Obi-wan raised an eyebrow, eyes sparkling. "Yes, I can see."
The dry expression Anakin shot him almost made his stoic facade crack into a hearty laugh. Almost. Instead, he simply grinned. The boy seemed to realize he was being teased and scowled, which only made Obi-wan want to laugh harder.
"This is Siri Tachi, an old friend of mine," he said to Anakin. Then he turned to the prone figure on the bed, smile dimming slightly. It hurt to see her like this. She should be running and laughing and teasing and being a general pain in the backside, not lying so deathly still. "Siri, this is a new initiate. His name is Anakin Skywalker."
"She can't hear you," Anakin muttered.
Obi-wan wanted to sigh. "I sincerely hope you're wrong, Anakin."
They fell into a lapse of words that was thankfully far more comfortable than the previous silence. That didn't mean it wasn't somewhat tense, although Obi-wan couldn't for the life of him figure out why.
"Why is she here?" Anakin asked finally, breaking the silence.
The knight shook his head. "We don't know."
Anakin frowned. "Do you even know what happened?"
Obi-wan shook his head. "Only that she collapsed about a standard week before Qui-gon and I..." he paused for a moment, but then set his jaw and plowed on. "Before Qui-gon and I left on the mission where we found you."
xXx
It took a few seconds for Anakin to really process Obi-wan's words and make all the connections, but when he did, the former slave sincerely hoped he didn't look like he'd blanched too much because he had certainly felt the blood drain from his face. He'd come back in time to about that point, unknowingly bringing the spirit of his Siri Tachi with him. That couldn't be a coincidence. He'd have to try and talk to the Siri from his original time line as soon as possible...not that he was looking forward to doing so. At one point, he and Siri had been fairly good friends, and he held far fewer negative feelings towards her than most of the other Jedi he'd come across in this time period because she'd died before he had turned.
Now it felt as if they'd never gotten along. He felt he should be used to it as he hadn't really mixed well with most Jedi, but having Siri so openly hostile towards him hurt, a lot more than he thought it should. She'd been one of the few Jedi he'd been able to more or less tolerate—count as a friend, even. He really needed to fix that. He'd have to at least try to remedy his general mindset that seemed make him want to distance himself from his fellow order members, although he wasn't sure how effective his efforts would be. Truthfully, he wasn't sure he could ever truly 'get along' with anyone who wasn't Padme...and maybe Obi-wan (on a good day). Sith weren't exactly encouraged to work on their social skills, so what few abilities he'd acquired before he'd fallen were rusty at best, non-existent at worst.
To make matters worse, he only had his teachers and fellow initiates to interact with in an attempt to regain those skills, and he doubted treating other knights and masters like fellow children would end well. He also didn't think his pride could handle treating everyone else as he should a teacher.
"And she's been like this ever since?" Anakin asked, ignoring the shakiness in his voice.
Obi-wan sighed and sat back in his chair, smile completely gone. "Yes."
"It must be hard," Anakin said slowly, "seeing a friend like this."
The knight glanced over at the initiate, but Anakin couldn't read the expression in those blue-gray irises. "It is."
The way Obi-wan said it reminded the former Sith of his previous discussion with Siri in his dream state. Did they have feelings for each other now, or had that come later? Or had they always been there? With as wistful as Obi-wan sounded, Anakin found he could certainly see the latter, but he couldn't quite believe it. The idea of his former master having such feelings towards another Jedi still seemed like a foreign concept to him.
"Um...I need to get back to my classes," Anakin said awkwardly, suddenly wanting to leave the two alone.
Obi-wan blinked and glanced over at him. "Oh, of course. I didn't mean to keep you."
"It's fine," the boy replied, climbing down off of his chair.
"Oh, and Anakin..." The initiate stopped and turned to glance at his former mentor. "I wanted to thank you again for coming to see me today. You didn't have to and I do appreciate it."
Anakin nodded, feeling a small smile come to his lips. Then he turned and strode quickly out of the room, and then out of the wing as he forced his mind to turn to his physical inadequacies and exactly what he had to do to regain the skills his trip back in time had cost him.
xXx
Anakin hated being bored. He always had.
Unfortunately, listening to a condescending Jedi teacher lecture about history for the second time most definitely qualified as boring. Several times over. As Vader, he'd been required to attend board meetings, political parties, general social events, and Senate meetings that he may possibly be able to classify as more tedious, but most of those had either been somewhat relevant with previously unknown information being brought to the table or week-long celebrations that would fulfill his 'attendee requirements' (given to him by the Emperor—he insisted on keeping up public appearances) for the year. The idea of having to go through such a tedious block of time—such as a class he'd already passed—every single day for an entire year almost made Anakin wish for the social parties again. Almost.
So as he sat in his desk, staring blankly up at the Jedi lecturing at the head of the class, allowing his mind to wander as he leaned his chin on the palm of his hand. After all, he really did know all of this and so he'd decided that he should focus on more upcoming and important events. He was, after all, far more concerned with the future than that past.
He found his thoughts wandering to his upcoming meeting with Dooku and frowned. He'd planned that encounter for months, knowing full well that he would end up having to meet the man in person. That had presented a rather large flaw in his whole scheme: He couldn't afford to reveal himself to the man yet. Although Anakin doubted it, Dooku could easily have already contacted Sidious and made the alliance that would eventually drive the Count to turn. If that were the case, then Anakin would be lucky to get out alive. But more concerning to him was the problem that if he arrived at the meeting as a short being with a mask, it would be all too easy to put two and two together. He could just imagine both old men tweaking some aspect of their scheme for the hundredth time over some Woviain Tea (said to be one of the most expensive teas in the universe) as the subject came up. "Oh, and who was the small child who has just arrived at the Temple? Oh, yes, didn't he have previous Dark Side training?"
Thankfully he'd been able to play down said 'dark side training' to the council and consequently the rest of the Jedi. He wouldn't be surprised if Yoda suspected that his 'brief training period' was more than what Anakin had let on, but he doubted any other Jedi would suspect such from a 9-year-old. It was ironically amusing that they had a full-blown Sith in their midst and they didn't even suspect—more ironic than Palpatine's deception, even. Still, Sidious was intelligent and, especially at this point in time, he tended to think out of the box and could guess quite accurately at the smallest of details only to use those correct assumptions to further his own plans. It wouldn't be that much of a stretch for the two men to realize exactly who he was. Not only would that put him in danger, but it would potentially put the Temple (not to mention the entire future) in danger also.
Well, more danger.
As much as he may despise the Jedi method of teaching and living, he would prefer to keep them alive this time around. Well, he would prefer to at least not be the cause of their demise. Even as Vader the faces of those children had haunted him...
Funny how quickly guilt can be turned into anger.
Focusing back on the task at hand, he thought about his solution. He'd bought electrical equipment to make himself mechanical legs and arms that he'd be able to control with his movements. The very idea was not a comfortable one, but was the only solution he could come up with. If he sent a droid, that would not only offend Dooku, but instantly make him suspicious. They both knew Anakin had steered the conversation towards their meeting, so why would he suggest something and then not follow through?
He couldn't go as himself. True, there were many small races throughout the galaxy, but it would still be too easy to guess his identity—even through a disguise—at his normal height. So a disguise that discouraged both Sidious and Dooku from associating Anakin Skywalker with the former 'Sith Apprentice' was the solution. Hence the mechanical arm and leg extensions. Admittedly the proportion of the joints would be off, but that wasn't something he could easily fix. His torso would also be too small to completely pass himself off as a human adult, so he'd come up with a list of other races that had similar proportions and had fashioned several different pairs of hands for the ends of the mechanical limbs. It was all a matter of which he wanted to choose. The problem he ran into here was that all races had their pros and cons, and he'd been studying up on the different social and physical tics of each race to try and decide.
Then there was the hardware problem. With Anakin's knowledge it wasn't that difficult to build the mechanical limbs, and with enough time he could make any of them indistinguishable from real-life, but in truth, he didn't have that time. Even with his skill he knew someone as experienced as Dooku could potentially identify the limbs as unnatural, so he needed to prepare for that potential discussion topic. Additionally, many of the major components were...difficult to acquire and it would be awkward if his mechanical limbs were discovered by the Jedi as that could also lead to the Council discovering his frequent escapades from the Temple. He would have to find another place to store them once he finished the project. He'd already almost completed them, but his construction and practice with the artificial limbs (he had to look somewhat natural in them to pull this off after all) had begun to cut into his racing time, and he needed those profits to continue building them. Catch 22.
"Anakin!" A harsh hiss drew him out of his thoughts, and he glanced over to the seat next to him. Coira nodded towards the front of the class, where the teacher had stopped talking only to stare directly at him.
"I apologize," he said, not bothering to keep the boredom from his voice. "Could you repeat the question?"
"Initiate Skywalker, it would be appreciated if you could listen to the lesson."
Anakin blinked at the instructor. "I do know it rather well already, but I apologize for letting my mind wander. Could you please repeat the question?"
The instructor frowned. "I asked what events lead up to the creation of the Republic."
Anakin nodded and proceeded to launch into a five-minute lecture about the events leading up to the formation of the current Republic. He did his best to stick to facts that would be in the Jedi readings as the Empire and the Sith both had their own version of the events.
When he finished, the instructor regarded him with a thoughtful expression. "Initiate Skywalker, if you know this already, why have you not informed us before? I will speak to the Council about moving you to a different class. Would that be acceptable?"
Anakin blinked again, this time out of surprise. "I appreciate the thought, Master."
The teacher (and Anakin could not for the life of him remember the man's name) smiled and nodded in satisfaction before continuing with his lesson, leaving Anakin to collect himself. He'd never had such an offer presented to him before, no matter how advanced he'd been in the subjects. Why now?
Although he dwelt on the question for the rest of the class period, he could not seem to come up with an adequate answer.
xXx
Later that night...
Anakin had learned the art of meditation as a Jedi, but had only come to appreciate it as a Sith. The irony was not lost on him. Sith had their own form of meditation but the basic fundamentals couldn't be more different than the Jedi.
The Jedi believe in a sort of apathetic peace while the Sith believe in burning, negative passion. Jedi meditation tended to deal with clearing your mind and asking for a connection with the Force. Sith meditation could never be instigated without some sort of focal point, usually an extremely strong emotion such as pain, anger or hatred that demanded a connection. One would focus on that emotion and then try to link other emotions to it. The goal was to encompass all of your being into that focal point emotion so as to have an endless connection with the Dark Side. The best Sith could focus on any given emotion and attain that connection. Anakin, as Vader, had only ever achieved such a connection through anger, fear or pain.
Truthfully, looking back, he was a little surprised he'd been able to attain it at all as his lack of focus tended to be a rather prominent part of his personality. The problem he'd run into, though, was the fact that he'd had to sit for hours on end while being fed and having waste extracted from his body. He'd had little else to do, and meditation was better than sitting around doing nothing. The circumstance had quite literally forced him to learn (in a twisted, dark way) what Obi-wan had been trying to teach him for years: Meditation is a valuable tool.
Now as he sat in his room and tried to clear his mind, he couldn't help the frustration building inside of him. For years he'd hated the Jedi technique, and the Sith method he'd honed for decades. Even though he refused to even attempt to meditate in any fashion close to the Sith techniques, he kept finding his mind drifting, wanting to grab hold of an emotion.
Now he could banish feelings to the Force, a basic skill every single youngling was taught with typical Jedi devotion. Unfortunately, that was also the most fundamental form of light meditation. To go deeper than that, one had to truly clear their mind. Often this was done by banishing feelings to the Force.
He kept trying to do so now, but some part of him did not seem to want to let go, and as such, he could not truly gain a meditative state. Currently, at best he could attain a light trance, and that had been nothing short of rare and difficult at best these last few months. His 'Force Techniques' class was the only one he was still behind in (ironically, even more so than when he had taken that class before). Between his frustration and the somewhat unsettling conversation he'd had with his former master about Padawan Tachi (it was strange to think of her as anything but a Knight), anything more at the moment just wasn't possible, but he needed to talk to his Siri and had no idea how to contact her except through meditation. In all actuality, he was hoping that just trying to get into the right mind set would at least call her to his dreams again, but neither his conscious or his subconscious mind wanted to cooperate.
Finally, after far too much effort and wasted time, he shoved all of his frustration as best he could into the Force and crawled into bed. He couldn't help but feel glad that tonight was his night to stay in the Temple because it surprised him as to how tired he was. Thankfully, it did not take him long to fall asleep. However, he did not dream that night.
xXx
A few days later...
Anakin paced restlessly outside of Master Yoda's meditation room wondering why he'd been summoned. Had they discovered his extra curricular activities? His bank accounts or night time trips to the lower sectors? He doubted it. They would have summoned him more formally in that particular case, he felt sure. He could only really race twice a week or so. One night a week he would sneak out and work on the mechanical limbs which he would need to interact with Dooku. He'd gone for simple designs and had come up with several successful products, but as they didn't actually connect to his nerves, he found them far more difficult to use than he felt someone who had lived with mechanical limbs for years should.
Usually he would spend once a week visiting the dumps and lover-level scrap heaps or shops to find parts and tools he needed for said arms or the droids he liked to build. The remaining nights, he actually slept. If he wanted to get his body into shape as quickly as he could, he needed his sleep and so he made sure to have several hours of rest a night, even on his racing, building, practicing and scavenging nights.
He was keeping up with (actually exceeding, even with him trying to hold back) mostof his classes and he knew he'd begun to get much better with his lightsaber skills, although that was no particular surprise. In his first life he'd picked up on that one particularly fast (not as quickly as Luke had, he thought back with a combination of jealousy and pride). That had been before he'd had the knowledge of the necessary basics and his favored forms. Really at this point, it was a matter of muscle memory, and that was something he worked on when he was sure no one else was around. In class, he had to stick to the forms he'd been taught at the temple, but he could usually sneak in a few hours of solitary lightsaber training in one of the practice rooms that he knew wasn't being monitored or recorded. He just didn't dare let on as to how much he really knew.
That was another thing that bothered him, though. He was pleased with how quickly he'd up picked his saber training, but his favored form, V (and he'd easily mastered both Shien and Djem So in his previous life) was not something that really suited his current body. He was just too short. As such, he'd taken a page out of Yoda's book and had decided to try and work some Ataru into his personal style. As Vader he'd modified his knowledge of the forms and had worked in some rather dark-based slashes and finishes over the years. Now he worked to replace those with the form IV acrobatics. It had slowed down his progress, but he didn't feel completely inadequate anymore. He desperately wished he had someone he could fight against and test his limits, but didn't dare ask anyone. The initiates didn't even begin to have the skill to challenge him and his unrestrained knowledge would bring up too many unanswerable questions from anyone else—not just in lightsaber practice.
He knew he had too many inconsistencies in his life right now, and he really had no way of addressing them without spilling the truth. A truth no one would believe. Even if they did believe it, he still did not want to expose the true extent of his past actions. The council and most of the Jedi hadn't trusted him before, and they probably trusted him even less now. The last thing he needed to do was confirm their suspicions. Still, he didn't know what he would say to whatever inconsistency they'd decided to confront him over. And he really had no way of knowing until they let him in and spoke with him and what the kriff was taking them so long anyway?! It wasn't like a council meeting or anything.
Just when he thought he might start pulling his hair out in frustration, a shimmer in the Force caused the door to open. Half relieved, half nervous, Anakin walked slowly in and bowed to the two figures sitting inside. Master Yoda, of course, and surprisingly, Master Adi Gallia. She had a reputation for being no-nonsense, but fair. She also tended to be a tad bit more open minded than the rest of the council (although that didn't say much in Anakin's opinon).
Still, he was surprised to see her there as he had no personal connection to her at all.
"Masters?" he said cautiously.
"Initiate Skywalker," Adi Gallia said, her voice soft but firm.
Yoda also spoke up, "Young Skywalker." He really wished people would stop calling him that. "Brought to our attention a certain matter was."
Anakin checked to make sure his mental and emotional shields were firmly in place before he allowed himself to reply. He needed that racing money! And he needed to be able to contact Dooku. What would he do if they tried to make him stop? Because he wouldn't. Of course, if it came down to a matter of his life at the temple vs. a chance to stop Palpatine he knew what he'd choose. Still, he did his best to remain calm. Unlike his former self, he would not jump to conclusions, no matter how worried he was.
"And what would that be, Master?" he asked as calmly as he could and almost winced when it came out a bit colder than he'd wanted. It would have been how Vader would have addressed Sidious had the Sith Master brought up unpleasant business.
If either one noticed, they didn't show it.
"Please understand," Adi Gallia said, her voice even softer, "that we here in the temple tend to grow up rather differently than you." Anakin wanted to snort. That was the understatement of the century. "Our entire society and way of thinking is fundamentally different."
"A bad thing, it is not," Yoda cut in to clarify, puzzling Anakin. It wasn't a bad thing he grew up as a slave? That didn't sound like the Yoda he knew. He was missing something. "A simple fact it is."
"You grew up in an environment that wasn't conducive to many of our ways of life, and so as such, we owe you an apology." Well that floored Anakin.
"W-what?" he asked, unable to keep his mask from slipping.
"We've been treating you as we would any other initiate," the woman said with a small, slightly sad smile. "We know that your mother is very dear to you and she did her best to raise you—"
"A fine job she did, hmm?" Yoda commented with a chuckle.
He could have sworn Master Gallia rolled her eyes there for a moment, in a fond way. Okay, too many mind-blowing events in a row. He couldn't seem to process it all.
"But you still grew up in an extremely undesirable position. Between your slavery and your force training it's truly a wonder we found you at all."
"Worried, we are, that mistreated you were," Yoda said, all traces of amusement gone.
Wait, mistreated? As in abused?
He had to stomp on a flash of anger. "My mother did not beat me!"
"We don't believe she did," Master Gallia said soothingly. "But as a slave, you were subject to beatings, were you not?"
Anakin closed his mouth, unable to refute that. Watto had been a decent master all things considered, but he'd still occasionally beaten them. It was the norm for a slave master. Encouraged even. He'd long since buried the memories in the back of his mind and it was something he avoided thinking about to this day, although he'd occasionally revisited them as a Sith to gain power from his anger at the harsh treatment (even now he was struggling to keep his anger in check) but truthfully he'd been submitted to so much worse. Palpatine's Force-lightning, for instance. Never enough to overload his circuits, but always enough to hurt immensely. Or getting his limbs chopped off. Or living in a state of constant pain as he walked around in a life-support suit. Really what still angered him about those old beatings was the fact that his mother was still subject to them at this point.
He did not want to revisit any memories like that in front of the Jedi. He knew himself and he knew his tendencies, and because one thought led to another, he wasn't sure he could conceal his anger...or his fear.
When he didn't answer the question, Master Gallia continued. "Or worse, we suspect. As such, we want you to see a mind healer."
It was getting extremely hard to ignore the anger. "I'm not crazy," he said, his voice practically ice now. He was proud of the fact that he hadn't said it through gritted teeth as he would have undoubtedly done in his original youth.
"Say that, did we?" Yoda asked, sounding genuinely curious and frustratingly placating. That was probably why Adi Gallia and Yoda had been chosen to relay this message to him as they tended to be the most tranquil and steadfast of masters in the face of everything from galactic war to upset children.
"We don't think you are crazy," Master Gallia stated firmly, face fixed in a disapproving expression. "It's a matter of learning to deal with your emotions."
Typical Jedi. Their idea of 'dealing' with emotions was throwing them away and ignoring the fact that they exist. He'd tried, he really had, but he suspected that the fact that their 'solution' to the 'emotions problem' still irked him had probably been a large factor in his inability to meditate. He did not like the sound of this one bit. His memories were in the past (and another future that would not happen) and should remain there. Besides, how was he supposed to 'open up' and give his entire life story to any Jedi? It wasn't just a matter of trust (which they still did not have), it was a matter of staying out of some sort of institution and a matter of not letting Palpatine know what's going on.
"I am not comfortable with that,"Anakin allowed himself to say after a few tense seconds, a note of finality in his voice that he hadn't heard for a while.
A sigh from the direction of the Masters. "You're not supposed to be."
"Know we do that hard it is for you to trust us," Yoda said. Anakin blinked in surprise, a little of his anger vanishing.
"Y...you do?"
"You've been trained somewhat in our ways, but you've been trained in the Dark Side as well," Master Gallia pointed out. "If you have been trained in the ways of the Dark, you have undoubtedly been trained to not trust anyone, especially Jedi."
Anakin stared at them for a few seconds, his anger continuing to dissipate. Then it was replaced by a sort of grim amusement. Her statement held some truth to it. Palpatine had always encouraged him to never trust the Jedi. It hadn't been shoved down his throat like a lot of the Dark Side philosophy he'd been fed after he'd turned, but subtly and long before his fall, he had indeed been taught to mistrust not just the Jedi, but everyone.
"A solution we have," Yoda said.
Master Gallia nodded. "There was a program created for people with high-stress careers requiring them to keep confidential information. As their jobs would not allow for them to reveal any details, it made therapy moot. The solution was a combination therapy program. The agents would be required to visit with a mind healer for what they could reveal, but they would also be required to speak to a specially programmed droid for anything highly confidential. The droid's memory would then be completely erased."
She paused for a moment, her hard expression softening ever so sightly while Anakin balked. He could never just spill all of his secrets to a droid. Still, he listened as she continued. "We want you to trust us, Initiate Skywalker, but we know that is a tall order for now. Until you can trust us, we will be implementing something similar to that program."
"For your peace of mind, this is," Yoda said with a nod. "Intrude upon your past we will not."
"As part of your initiate training, since you are surprisingly ahead in most of your classes, you are now required to attend a two time-block session twice a week with some mind-healers and a droid we've commissioned especially for this. The hard drive for the robot's memory will be entrusted to you to do with as you please. Wipe it clean or keep it, but bring it back to every session. We would hope that you could eventually trust us with your past," Master Gallia said, her firm voice and expression returning to its normal tranquility, "and any information of your former Dark Master you may have. It could help our cause immensely, but we will not pry."
Anakin almost let out a snort. Almost. They really had no idea. Still, they'd definitely gone out of their way to do this for him. Unwanted as their actions may be, he still felt oddly touched. Still, revisiting his anger was not something he felt he could do. He seriously doubted he could avoid the Dark Side if he prodded that locked chest too often and lost control again, and this time neither Padme or Luke would be there to stop him.
"I feel this is not a good idea," he said uncomfortably. They really had no idea what they would be getting him (or themselves) into.
"Unanimous, the Council is," Yoda stated firmly.
"If you wish to continue on as an initiate, you will be required to do this," Adi Gallia confirmed.
Oh, this was such a bad idea. But what choice did he have? At least they hadn't brought up his extra-curricular activities. Thank the Force.
"Do you understand?" Her voice had hardened and brokered no argument.
He really did not want to do this. But they weren't kidding about kicking him out of the Order. He'd been expecting something like that, actually. It had been a long-time coming, and was for a far different reason than what he'd supposed, but he'd still been expecting it. It was a bit of a confirmation, and while he was a little disappointed, he felt more grateful that they'd come out and just told him. He knew where he stood with the Council for the most part now, and that helped to ground him in its own way.
He still stalled in answering for as long as he dared. "Yes," he muttered finally and found himself desperately hoping that they wouldn't all come to regret it.
xXx
Author's Note: First, I want to apologize. Shade40 and Gamoden have helped me with my Fullmetal Alchemist fic (which now has a TVTROPES page! You should totally go check it out! Just search 'Anything but Normal' on the TV tropes site. *is very excited*). BATFAN7 is amazing and helping me with this fic (and doing a fabulous job, btw). So SHE'S the one that deserves props for this! And I thank her greatly!
I know this was more or less a set-up/filler chapter, but I hope it wasn't too boring. Note, it will probably get worse before it gets better. ^^; Between Anakin's therapy (or his version of it), Dooku and a few other things I have in mind...well, I'm just hoping that I live up to everyone's expectations. The response I've gotten on this is...mind-blowing. To an extent where I've only had one other story do this well (Mistaken Relations). I'm thrilled and honored and want to thank EVERYONE who reviewed (so many of you! I love you all!)!
Anyway, please let me know what you think! Is there anything that doesn't make sense? Anything that needs clarification? Any plot holes? Any out of character activity? I'd love to know! Thank you!
