Burning Training Fields
A/N: Now that Deathly Hallows is out, this story (like so many others, I'm sure) is officially AU. But then again, Voldemort being alive and all, and their little conversations… well, let's face it, this had absolutely nothing to do with canon to begin with. So whee! Who cares.
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"So as of today, Cornelius Fudge will be a common rookie in your Death Eater Trainee Camp!"
Voldemort just gave him a look. "Potter, you are insane."
Harry blinked. "Oh. I thought that it was you… Well, details, details", he said airily, waving his hand dismissively. "Now then, I believe we still have some unfinished business to attend, yes?"
"And what is that? We already burned quite a bit of London, destroyed the Ministry, threatened a hospital, captured Fudge and caused overall mayhem. What more did you want to do, you insolent and greedy brat?"
Harry stared at him almost disbelievingly. "Take over the country, of course."
Voldemort stood. "Hold on a moment, will you. I will round up my followers and have you repeat that. If they all swear under the cruciatus that you just said that, then I might not sign myself in for mental instability and general hearing problems."
"Totally uncalled for", Harry muttered. "You are the one who got me into this and now you act like we are quitting halfway through."
"Are you seriously trying to make me believe that YOU want to rule this country?"
Harry smiled. "Nope. It would be Arthur Weasley."
"…"
"Yeah."
"…Weasley? You want to have a Weasley run this country?"
"Cripes, you just sounded like Malfoy."
"Don't you DARE compare me with those lowlifes! And what do you expect me to say after I find out you want to rise to power NOT YOU and certainly NOT ME, but that Muggle-loving fool?"
"That description would fit Dumbledore too, you know."
"Dumbledore is dead."
Harry glared. "No reason to remind me."
"Why not? He is, after all, the reason to your downfall. When he was still alive, and even shortly after his death, you were FIERCE about defeating me and vanquishing all evil and all that nonsense. All fires burn out, Potter."
"Funny to hear that from you, Mr. 'I will conquer death!'. Come on. That's not even an original ambition. All villains want to live forever."
"Of course. It would be a shame to waste these talents by dying."
"Yeah. That's generally why people take apprentices."
"Potter, I will live long enough to dance on your grave."
Harry blinked in surprise. "You dance? I didn't know."
"Brat, you are making this entirely too difficult. Just be a good boy and shut up."
"Not yet. We have still to conquer the country, and you have yet to give me Snape."
"Snape?" Voldemort sounded honestly confused. "Did I not send him to you in a small box just the other week?"
"Ewww, why did you have to remind me of that? And more importantly, was that SNAPE? I wanted to personally teach him a lesson!"
"Sorry. You can still boil his eyes in oil and eat them if it makes you feel better."
"It DOES NOT make me feel better. He turned in my parents, you know!"
"I know. And all the more reason to eat his eyes, then."
"… I suddenly got very disturbing insight on why your house-elves are all insane."
Voldemort's possible reply was cut short as a group of shouting Death Eaters chased Fudge past them. Voldemort lifted his eyebrow. "A common rookie, you say…"
Harry smiled almost guiltily. "Weeeeelll… With a few additions, of course."
"Of course, brat."
Harry's smile widened, as he started to make his way from the field. "Now then… where do you want to start?"
Voldemort stepped to walk beside him. "Never mind that, just tell me what you are going to do about the Order of the Chickens and your meddling little friends."
Harry pursed his lips. "They have been awfully quiet, true", he admitted slowly.
"Do you think they'll come for you again?"
"They're not ones to give up. You are still alive."
"Oh, you noticed. Brilliant boy."
Harry gave him a look. "Does it bother you?"
Voldemort sniffed disdainfully. "In their current state they are no threat to me."
"…Says he and asks the Golden Boy what they are doing. Worried? Who? Never."
"Brat – "
"But I guess that's the Slytherin in you talking. I mean, you'd rather avoid open fights even with a slug, just to make sure you don't dirty your shoes."
"It's the Slytherins that will rule the world after all Gryffindors have died in glory."
"Hm… could be true. You couldn't get Hufflepuffs to do the job, and Ravenclaws only if you managed to get them out of the library."
"It surprises me you haven't tried to become the Headmaster of Hogwarts. You are already equally biased enough to do it."
Harry laughed. "Thanks! Well, I could become one, after we've taken over the country, that is."
Voldemort looked amused. "So you will be the Headmaster of Hogwarts. Arthur Weasley you say will be the Minister. Dare I even inquire what position you have planned for me?"
"You and Lucius could always start a boy band and raise awareness to things like globalisation, melting icebergs, child abuse… you could easily win all Eurovision song contests. No one would dare not to vote you."
"…Does Lucius even know how to sing?"
A shrug. "Dunno. But at least he has enough money to bribe everyone to believe he can. Between him and you, the Dancing Wonder, you'd make the hit lists in a week."
"…"
"And your name could be something like 'UKnowULoevPr3ttyBoyz' or the like… you get the picture. Just remember to bring it up with Lucius, because he needs to start bribing people pretty soon to make it a success. "
"Potter, your hero complex and your lack of subtlety are the only things that match up to your twisted imagination."
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A/N: Thanks for the ideas, people (especially you, Aki WildQueen!)! And for the reviews, I treasure them. Because of them, here is the third chapter for you all. Never say your opinions don't count…
